All right, this is interesting. Let’s check this out.
“It’s safe telling you stuff,” Jav said. “I think that’s why I gave you my card.”
“Because I wouldn’t tell where the bodies were buried?”
Jav chuckled. “Among other things.”
For a moment the world stood still as Alex stood at a crossroads.
I’m attracted to him.
Jav was holding his gaze and not letting go. Alex could either see this through or joke it away.
He counted to five.
And chickened out.
“Well, we all know you wanted Val’s business, too,” he said.
Jav’s entire expression tripped. He blinked around the confusion in his eyes. “Well…”
“An escort has to make a living.”
“Right.”
“It’s cool, it’s in the past. We’re civilized people.”
Jav looked away, shaking his head. “You Larks are going to be the death of me.”
The waitress appeared, lipstick fresh and glistening and an extra button in her blouse undone. “How are you guys?”
“At what?” Alex said.
Jav kicked him under the table. “We’ll take the check, thanks.” As she walked off, pouting, he kicked Alex again. “I can’t take you anywhere.”
“C’mon, I’m an excellent wingman.”
“Oh yeah, you got all the good lines. ‘Someday I’ll be able to check you for worms.’”
Alex groaned. “Jesus.”
“You must’ve gotten a ton of chicks with that one.”
Alex slapped the table, laughing. “I can’t believe you remember that.”
“It was kind of unforgettable.”
“I was such a dork.”
“Was?”
The waitress came back with the leather folder. “Who’s the lucky man?” she said, holding it out.
Jav closed his fingers around it but didn’t take it. “May I?”
“Will I have to put out later?”
“Yes.”
Alex gestured assent. “By all means then.”
This is nothing I am, he thought, watching Jav sign. But it feels all right.
It’s stupid fun.
That’s all.
“What’s going on this week?” Jav asked as they walked across the parking lot.
“Got a transport of pups coming in tomorrow, adoption event on Thursday. Four spays. Six neuters. One hip dysplasia. Other assorted pleasantries.”
“Worm checking?”
“Worm checking. Anal gland expressions. Rabies shots. Blah blah.”
“Your career turned out far sexier than mine.”
“Hardly.”
“Telling you, on my next date, I’m definitely trying an anal gland expression.”
“You may have to raise your rates.”
Jav reached and ruffled Alex’s hair. “You good to drive?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Adios, mi compai.” Their right palms smacked together and they pulled in for a hug.
The broad plain of Jav’s chest settled against Alex’s heart. Jav’s hands patted his shoulders. Rubbed in a circle. Both of them sighed and held still.
This was interesting.
No, this is nothing I am.
“All right, break it up,” Alex said.
“You first.”
Alex pushed him away. They grinned as they stepped back, but the night slumped, looking from one man to the other, disappointed.
“You’re killing me,” Jav said, and punched Alex’s arm.
“What?”
“Nothing, I’m an idiot.” Jav opened his car door, put a foot into the well and paused. “What, are you watching me drive away?”
“Yeah,” Alex said. “Actually.” He crossed his arms on the roof of his car, rested his chin on top and watched Jav back out. Long after the tail lights disappeared and the last honk of the horn echoed in the car’s wake, he kept staring. Kept wanting.
What I want is nothing I am.
The fifteen-minute drive home was enough time for Alex’s euphoric buzz to wear off and a confused headache to take its place. Plus a delayed case of Sunday Blues. The holiday weekend was over and tomorrow was back to the grind.
Hoo. Fucking. Ray.
He trudged upstairs to his bedroom. He could hear the shower running. Deane, for some reason, was standing by Val’s side of the bed, looking at Val’s phone.
“What are you doing?” Alex said.
Deane looked up, pale and wide-eyed. “I…”
Annoyed, Alex put his hand out. “Give it. We snoop on you, you don’t snoop on us.”
“Sorry, I…”
Alex crossed his arms, the phone tucked in his hand. “Did anyone walk the dogs?”
“Not yet.”
“Go walk them. And mind your business.”
He shook his head as she split, muttering, “Nosy little shit.”
He looked down at the phone, which showed a text from Jav:
Did u tell Alex about us?
For a moment Alex was confused, thinking he was looking at his own phone and the text was missing some punctuation.
Did u tell, Alex? About us?
His other hand checked his back pocket. His phone was there. Val’s was in his hand. With a text from Jav.
Did u tell Alex about us?
He read and reread the text. Of all the words, about was the most puzzling. The most loaded and sinister. Staring at the display, Alex walked toward the bathroom, intent on finding out what this was about.
Val was singing in the shower. He looked through the steamy gap between the curtain and the tiled wall. She turned in the spray, rinsing the last suds out of her hair. Eyelashes wet on her elegant cheekbones. Water dripping down her breasts and off her nipples. Steam wreathing the body Alex knew by sight, sound and smell. His hands knew the feel and his tongue knew the taste of every inch of her skin. They were each other’s bank vault, guarding secrets and fears and pain and dreams. One thought it, the other said it. So connected, they barely needed to speak out loud.
Did u tell Alex about us?
Val jumped when Alex pushed the curtain aside, the metal rings squealing across the rod.
“Jesus, you scared me,” she said, and spit some water.
He stared at her. Her chin tilted, eyebrows coming down.
“What’s wrong?”
He turned the phone toward her and asked, “What’s about?”
She read the text. He watched the color drain out of her face. Watched her skin rise up in a grid of goosebumps. Watched her chest expand and contract as she took a slow deep breath through her nose. She turned off the water. Her hand reached for a towel but Alex took hold of her wrist, stopping her.
“What about you and Jav are you not telling me?”
He held her wrist, making her stand there naked and wet and cold to answer him.
Her shoulders trembled but her eyes met his and held still. “I used to hire him.”
His fingers tightened. He felt the roll of her bones and a crunch of a tendon.
“Twenty years ago,” she said. “While you were out in Colorado.”
They stared. The fan hummed, cocooning the bathroom in white noise.
“You paid Jav to fuck you,” he said.
Her chin raised a hair. “I paid him for his time. You’re hurting my wrist. Please let go.”
His fingers loosened. Her eyes didn’t leave his as she took the towel and wrapped it around her body.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he said.
“Alex—”
“All this time,” he said. “All this fucking time you were…”
“No, not all.”
“You and him were—”
“It was twenty years ago.”
“I’m supposed to believe that?”
Her eyes widened and blinked twice. “Yes,” she said. “You are.”
The two-decade narrative whirled like a carousel in Alex’s head. “I don�
��t believe this,” he said. “I don’t fucking believe you lied to—”
“I’ve never,” she cried out. “Tell me one time I ever lied to you.”
“One time? How about the past twenty goddamn years?”
The disbelief was morphing into anger and the anger was primed by his utter stupidity. He’d been making a fool of himself. Nurturing a misguided infatuation. Trying to flirt like a pathetic twink. Staining his sheets for some guy who didn’t give a flying fuck about Alex.
He wants her.
“I didn’t know how to tell you,” Val was saying. “After so many years went by, I didn’t see the point in telling you. Then you and Jav became such good friends that I…”
The phone dropped from Alex’s hand and clattered to the floor. He dragged his palms along his head. The carousel whirling, pieces falling into place, history rewriting.
He doesn’t want me, he wants her. Again. He’s using me to get to her. And she’s…
“Oh my God,” he said, fingers digging into his hair. “I’m such an idiot.”
“Alex, I’m sorry,” she said. “Let me get dressed, we can—”
“No,” he said. “We can’t.” He walked out of the bathroom, then out of their room. Along the hall toward the stairs.
“Alex,” she called after him.
He went down, each foot on a tread making his spine vibrate. Deane sat on the bottom step, tying her shoes. The dogs sat nearby, leashed and ready to go out.
“Alejandro,” Val said from the top of the stairs.
Alex looked back and up. “Don’t fucking talk to me.” He turned and Deane was staring at him, mouth open in an O of shock.
“And you mind your business,” he said. He banged out of the house, strode down Bemelman and turned onto Main Street. He walked past big stores and little houses. Battle-ready, confrontation prepared, he had a hand on the knob of the red door leading to Jav’s apartment when he remembered something.
Ari might be home.
His eyes closed.
“Oh for fuck’s sake,” he said under his breath. “Ari.”
He stepped back, looking up at the second story windows, as if the way they were lit up would tell him who was inside. He didn’t want to do this in front of Ari. Deane would never forgive him.
Of course, Deane snooping around started this whole mess.
It would serve her right.
“Looking for someone?”
Jav had come out of Celeste’s, laptop under his arm, a cup of coffee in his hand. He leaned a shoulder into the brick wall and his eyes gave Alex an up-down. The statisticians in Alex’s head crossed their arms and narrowed their gaze.
Jav’s crooked smile slowly straightened. “You all right?”
“No.”
Jav’s eyebrows came down. “What’s going on?”
“I saw the text.”
The eyebrows went up. “Qué?”
“The text you sent Val, asking if she told me. The answer is no. She didn’t.”
Jav took his shoulder off the wall and stood up straight. The cup in his hand trembled the littlest bit. “Alejo…”
“She never told me. Here we are, the three of us such close friends, our kids are dating. And she never once told me she used to hire you.”
“Oh Christ, man, I…” Cup still in hand, Jav pressed his thumb knuckle between his eyebrows. “I’m sorry.”
“What you are is one arrogant son of a bitch.”
“Look, it’s not what you—”
“I know what it is, Jav. I get what you’ve been doing. I may be a little slow and a little too trusting, but I’m not a total fucking idiot.”
“You got it all wrong. Dude, you’re my best friend.”
“While my wife’s your best client.”
“It was twenty years ago. I have no idea why she didn’t tell you about it, but was I supposed to? It wasn’t my story to tell.”
“Oh, I got one to tell,” Alex said. “Once upon a time, you keep the fuck away from my wife. You keep away from all of us, you understand me? My family is not for sale. You come near me, near Val or near my house ever again, and I’ll fucking kill you. End of story.”
Val looked at the clock. It was a minute since the last time she looked at the clock.
I’m never going to make it.
She’d been afraid to come to bed. Alex came home and went straight upstairs. Without a look, a word or a fight. Nothing but footsteps up the treads and the bedroom door closing. Not with a slam, but a definitive “keep out” click.
Am I allowed to get into my own bed? What’s the protocol here?
She stayed in her office, tackling paperwork she typically avoided until the last minute. She kept glancing at her phone, waiting for a please come upstairs text she knew wouldn’t be coming.
They’d never gone to bed angry. Maybe irritated and annoyed, bickering about something stupid. But they’d never gone to bed not speaking.
She put down her work, drawing a deep breath past her tight throat. She’d act normal and go to bed. They’d sleep on it. Everything wouldn’t be fine in the morning, but it would be a little better.
It couldn’t possibly be worse.
She turned out lights, locked doors and brushed her teeth. She didn’t so much get into bed as insert herself between the sheets with as little noise and disruption as possible. Alex lay on his side, his back to her.
“Goodnight,” she said.
The dark silence rolled its eyes.
Moments squeezed by. Val’s heart pounded loud in the ear pressed to the pillow. She felt she was in one of those recurring nightmares when you were back in high school, sitting a final exam for a class you’d never taken.
Her hand reached across the desert of mattress between them. Her fingers tingled as they neared the back of his head, not in a pleasurable tickle but a sinister warning. Alex had an electric fence around him tonight. A force field impervious to her.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“You don’t ever fucking talk to him again.”
She could hear the clench in his jaw: every word forced out sideways through his teeth. She withdrew her hand and took a deep, careful breath. “All right.”
She rolled on her other side, putting her back to the black, crackling energy radiating off Alex’s shoulder blades. She inhaled and exhaled without making a sound, staring at the clock.
I’m sorry.
She closed her eyes, dividing and subdividing her offense, sorting and resorting.
She hired a man for sex. I’m not sorry about it. I was a young, single, independent woman. What I did with my time, money and body was nobody’s business. Hiring Jav hurt not a single person.
She didn’t tell Alex about it when they started dating. Or when they got engaged. Or at any time during their marriage. Well, how the hell does that come up in conversation? “Hey honey, what’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done? Bet I can top it.” And what for?
She didn’t tell Alex when Jav did show up again.
And that was stupid. I regret it. I was wrong.
“I’m sorry,” she mouthed. Her throat burned and ached. The tears leaked sideways, sliding into her nose. She didn’t sniff. She didn’t want Alex to hear her cry. She only wanted to be invisible, while at the same time her back screamed across the great divide of their bed, reaching pleading hands out to her husband. The man who never fell asleep without kissing her. The man who always made an optimistic pass at her when the lights went out. Or, at minimum, pulled her into his arms, pulled her against him and told her he loved her.
She looked at the clock and thought about going to sleep in the guest room. She stayed where she was. Sleeping next to him was both her right and her punishment.
If I don’t do something, this is going to be the longest, loneliest night of my marriage.
“Alex,” she said to the wall.
Not a rustle from behind her. The mattress didn’t shift a millimeter. But she knew he wasn’t asleep. He was
her husband. She knew his sounds of slumber.
“I love you,” she said.
A faint, measured inhale. “I am really angry right now, Valerie.” His voice was tight and stiff, as if stuffed into a too-tight suit of armor. The V of her name slid into a B—something that only happened when Alex was upset.
“I’m so sorry.”
“Fix it with Deane.”
“I will.”
“It affects all of us, you know.”
“I know.” His words piled up in her arms. She juggled them frantically, not knowing what to do with this box of anger, this bag of disappointment and this jar of disgust. Mine? You’re giving these to me?
“Now I feel like I don’t even want to see Ari in this house. Jesus fucking Christ, Val.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t envision this happening.”
“You didn’t? Right in front of your face you saw I was getting tight with Jav. Ari empties our goddamn dishwasher three nights a week. You didn’t think once that finding out about you and Jav would blow up three different relationships? Jesus, you’re an idiot.”
She flinched, screwing her face up tight. Her arms were laden with guilt and shame and she staggered under the load. Panic began to fill her veins, followed by a surge of anger as her mind immediately went on the defense. Don’t you fucking lecture me.
She clenched her jaw hard. Just listen. Let him dump it on you. You wronged him, he’s hurt and angry. You have to take it. Acknowledge and let him get it out.
“It was stupid of me,” she said, trying to keep her voice steady, but let the remorse come through. She was nauseous with sorrow. It wasn’t merely lip service.
“You got that right,” Alex said. “Stupid’s only the beginning.” All at once he was on her, right up against her back, extending his arm over her shoulder and pointing to the chair in the bay window alcove. “What happened over there? The other night? Remember?”
She nodded.
“It was fantasy. Except it wasn’t. You really had him in your head the whole time. You knew exactly what it was like fucking him. For all I know you were remembering fucking him.”
“No, that’s not true.”
“And I’m supposed to believe you?”
Her mouth opened but nothing came out. She slowly shook her head, letting everything fall out of her arms into a pile on the floor. “I can’t make you,” she said. The words couldn’t get past her thick throat so they crawled out through her running nose. “I can’t make you believe I don’t want anyone but you.”
An Exaltation of Larks Page 37