by H.H. Fowler
Chapter Eleven
As soon as the girls left, I rushed upstairs to my quietude. My TV had already been preset to TBN and Bishop Errol Jackson was on. I looked at my watch, which said that it was 9:39 p.m. I was a bit disappointed because I’d forgotten about the three-day crusade to be held by Bishop Errol Jackson at the Hilton Hotel. But TBN had been so kind as to announce that the bishop would be streaming live tonight between the hours of 8:00 p.m. and 10:00 p.m. for those who couldn’t make it to the hotel.
Well, there was about twenty minutes left of the program and even though I’d enjoyed spending time with the girls tonight, I wish I’d canceled because I felt like I’d missed a very important message the Lord wanted me to hear. I sat on the bed and focused my attention on the TV anyway. It was better to glean something than to glean nothing at all. Bishop Errol Jackson seemed to be winding down from what appeared to have been an extremely intense sermon. His face was covered in sweat and his expression had a dismal look to it.
“The devil can’t make us do anything we don’t want to do…” he said, “…except if we allow him. Yes, he can influence our thoughts and make his suggestions seem irresistible, but the ultimate decision is left up to us. Will we obey God’s word or will we be drawn away by our own lust? I learned this lesson the hard way. When I was locked up in that prison for committing one of the most humiliating sins a preacher can commit, the words of the Apostle James echoed through my soul.
“And this is what he says in chapter 1, verses 14 and 15, ‘Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.’ So you see, my brothers and my sisters, the word of God expects us to fully accept the responsibility for our actions. We can’t go around blaming the devil or anyone else for our poor choices. The blame rests with us. But of course, God doesn’t leave us defenseless.
“1 Corinthians 10:13 says, ‘The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.” But if we are to benefit from God’s word, we must study it seriously and use it as a weapon against the attacks of the devil. Don’t make the mistake of forsaking the attendance of church, because it is the plan of the enemy to lure you away from sound teaching…”
I didn’t move a muscle until Bishop Jackson concluded with a prayer that left me weeping in repentance. Because everything he said ministered to the situation I was experiencing with Taj. Indeed, a strong warning that was shrouded in an abundance of love. However, nothing got to me more than when Bishop Jackson mentioned the part about attending church. For three months, I had been inconsistent.
Sure, I could blame it on the demands of my job, but truthfully, I feared the sins of my heart would be exposed. I was trying to get rid of these crazy feelings for Taj – I really was. Yet, each day I found myself entrenched between conviction and a deep longing only a man like Taj could satisfy. Was Bishop Jackson saying that by me not attending church, I was making the situation worse? Maybe it was, but who could I talk to about my predicament?
I realized God was speaking to me on many different levels because everywhere I turned, there seemed to be a message customized just for me. But how could I find the courage to do what needed to be done? My friends were not apt to provide me with any sort of spiritual resource, which only added to my burdened soul. Could it be a sign that it was time for me to change my circle of acquaintances? With a heavy sigh, I slid to my knees and began to pour my heart out to God. I needed answers. I needed a way out. I needed to be consoled.