by James, J. P.
My lover looks at me with confusion. “Child molester?” he repeats while glancing back at me. “No, Mom. I’m eighteen, and that’s old enough. Vance has done nothing wrong.”
But my entire body fills with shame, and I stare down at the ground to avoid eye contact with him.
Elena jumps into the fray. “You monster! You’ve been molesting my son ever since you moved in next door! I should’ve known that an ex-con convicted of raping an underage boy would come after my son as well! You’re a sick bastard and you deserve to be locked up for life,” she spits. I wish she would lower her damn voice because this is all wrong. She doesn’t know the whole story, and it’s painful to hear those words from her lips. How the hell did she find that shit out anyway?
There’s a knot the size of a baseball sitting in the pit of my gut. My entire body feels sick and my world is tilting upside down, making me nauseous. Elena loses no time. She walks over and grabs Jake’s arm, jerking him away from me.
“Come on,” she says in a huff. “This man is no good and I’m reporting him to the police.”
But Jake stays where he is, just staring at me.
“Vance? What is this about? Are you really an ex-con?”
I still can’t answer, the shame is so strong. I glance up and lock eyes with Jake one last time, and that look says everything. He knows that Elena’s accusations are technically true, and he goes white as a sheet.
“They should’ve never let you out! Five years isn’t long enough to keep a pervert like you behind bars. I’m calling your probation officer and telling her that you’re back to raping teenage boys again!” Elena screams shrilly while tugging on Jake’s arm. Oh shit. If she calls my probation officer, I’ll be back in jail by the end of this week. This all feels like one really bad nightmare, but unfortunately, it’s reality. “Come on Jake,” she says as she drags him down the trail. “Let’s get out of here.”
This time, Jake leaves with his mother, trembling the entire way. He casts beseeching glances over his shoulder while stumbling down the mountain, but I merely stay where I am with my shoulders slumped. I’ve been defeated at the eleventh hour, and I only have myself to blame.
After all, I had every intention of telling Jake the truth today after our hike, but she beat me to it. Come to think of it, I’ll probably never see my lover again after this. The police will more than likely be waiting at my front door by the time I make it home, with handcuffs out and an arrest warrant in place. My life is falling apart all over again, but what makes it worse this time is that I’m losing the man I love. Plus, judging by Jake’s shocked expression, I’m sure he won’t want anything to do with me once this sorts itself out.
I sink onto the wooden bench and place my head in my hands. Tears fill my eyes as I wonder what will happen next. I knew I couldn’t keep this secret from Jake much longer, but there’s no way I could have predicted that his mother would be the one to expose it. How the hell does she know about my past? Did she go digging into my history? Not only that, but how long has she known? Shit. Everything’s gone up in flames.
Nonetheless, my secret is out, and now my world has fallen apart. I probably won’t even get to say goodbye to Jake before the police take me away, and it feels as my heart has just been ripped out of my chest. Jake and I finally exchanged I love you’s and I could see a bright future shimmering before our eyes, but now, that dream has died. All that’s left behind are remnants of a romance that never got the chance to fully blossom, and my heart feels like lead. I want to die, but frankly, even that wouldn’t feel better. The only thing that will console me is Jake in my arms once more, but I know it’s not a possibility anymore.
17
Jake
I can’t believe what just happened. I’m humiliated, dumbstruck, and horrified all at the same time. I haven’t been able to make a single sound since the moment I got into my mother’s car as Elena drives like a maniac back to our house. I quiver in my seat, looking blindly out the window. Besides, what is there to say? It’s all so confusing to me.
My mother randomly showed up to a nature preserve two hours away from Milford and caught Vance and I having hot gay sex on a nature trail. In fact, my ass was embedded on his dick the very moment she came up on us. It’s like out of a nightmare.
I’d ask her what she was doing there, but I can’t even muster up the strength needed to speak right now. Instead, I stare out the window at the open fields we pass by. I’m sick to my stomach by the things I heard my mother say about the man that I love. Is it true? Did Vance rape someone underage? It seems impossible. Vance doesn’t need to convince anyone to get in bed with him. He’s a studly muscled hunk, and men throw themselves at him.
But even if something untoward happened, why didn’t he tell me? Oh god, I’m getting sick just from thinking about it all. Part of me wishes I had the answers, but the other half doesn’t want to know the devastating truth.
If everything my mother said is true, then Vance isn’t a knight in shining armor out to rescue me from Elena’s clutches. Far from it. He’s an ex-con. He doesn’t look like a criminal to me, but then again, he didn’t rebut my mother’s accusations either. Suddenly, a thought strikes me. Has Elena known about our relationship all along? How did she find out? Vance and I thought we were being extremely cautious, but I guess not. My mom found us up in that shaded glen with no trouble at all, as if she knew we were going to be there.
Elena’s been ranting this entire car ride, but I’m such a mess right now that I can’t hear a single word she’s been saying. Besides, she’s said enough already. I don’t want to hear the rest of the vile things she has to say about the love of my life. Come to think of it, can I really love someone who was an imposter? If my mother is correct, then that would mean that I never really knew who Vance was in the first place. The thought makes me sick to my stomach.
I feel like such an idiot. How could I have dated an ex-con and not even realized it? Vance betrayed me by keeping that information from me. He said he loves me, but if he does, then why would he keep me in the dark? The more I think about it, the more miserable I become. It feels like my heart has been shattered into a million pieces, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to put myself together again after this. Vance is the only man that I’ve ever loved, and now, that’s been vaporized.
“Jake! Hello! Have you heard a single word I’ve been saying to you this entire time?” my mother shrills as she waves her hand in front of my face to get my attention. Slowly, I turn toward her, still unable to speak. She looks like a madwoman, her eyes bulging and her hair a mess. Her orange tan seems fluorescent at the moment.
“That man is sick in the head,” she bites out. “First, he raped a seventeen year old boy, and now you. Who knows how many more young boys he’s taken advantage of?”
Vance didn’t rape me. I wanted to sleep with him. Not only that, but he was gentle the entire time and took me through my paces slowly and with care. A rapist wouldn’t be that caring and attentive, would he? But I just don’t know. I wish we didn’t have to talk about this, but knowing my mother, she’ll keep going on and on about it until the day she dies. Every word she says makes my stomach turn, and it feels like I’m gonna throw up pretty soon. Can’t Elena see I’m in shock right now? I just want her to stop talking.
“Did he force you into the nature preserve?” she asks. “Did he tie you up?”
Holy cow, Elena looks like her head is about to start spinning around. I can’t even react right now. I still have too many questions going through my mind, and honestly, I’m terrified to hear the answers. Despite what my mom has said about my lover, I still love Vance and I don’t want to hear these horrible things about him. The last couple months with him were magical and everyday felt like the perfect dream. Now all of that has been ripped from underneath me because of my mother’s wild accusations. But Elena won’t let up. “Answer me!” she commands.
Mortified, I shake my head no. “No, he didn’t force me to do anyth
ing,” I say in a low voice.
She grows quiet and stares at me from the corner of her eye. I guess now she knows I’m gay. There’s no more hiding it, since she caught me getting rear-ended by Vance on a hiking trail while moaning with pleasure. Actually, I’m relieved that she knows the truth now, even if the circumstances are less than optimal. I guess there’s a silver lining to everything.
But Elena sees things differently.
“He made you this way. You were perfectly fine until that pervert moved next door. He took advantage of my poor baby,” she says while choking up. Her hand reaches for mine, and I shy away. My mom’s fingers are ice cold, like a corpse, and I don’t want her touching me.
What is surprising, however, is that fact the she’s calling me her “poor baby.” What the hell is that all about? And what does she mean I was fine before Vance moved next door? I didn’t suddenly turn gay because of my hot next door neighbor. I’ve been gay my entire life.
Elena prattles on about this and that, and has no idea how badly I want to jump out of this car right now. If I did, I’d take off running into one of these fields and never come back home. Given the state of my life, that sounds real good right now. I just need to be alone and think. After all there’s no actual proof that what she’s been saying about Vance is true. Elena’s infuriated right now, so she could just be spewing lies left and right. In fact, this could all be a part of some nefarious plan to keep us apart.
The problem is that Vance didn’t deny any of the words that came out of her mouth. Why not? He didn’t put up a fight at all, and that’s strange. So is what she said true? It seems too horrifying to believe.
None of this makes any sense to me. Has Vance been lying to me all this time, or is my mother the one misleading me? I could always ask her for more details, but I’m still in shock. My mind is racing with thoughts, but I can barely move a muscle, let alone speak. The whole ordeal has left me completely speechless. Besides, Elena’s yelling and driving erratically at nearly one hundred miles an hour. She’s not being rational enough to have a proper conversation right now.
I sink further into the passenger seat, wishing I could just disappear. None of this would have happened if she hadn’t nagged me so much about getting out of the house more. If Vance is a rapist, then she’s the one who led me to him. Okay, even I’m starting to sound batshit crazy now.
But one thing is true. My heart feels completely torn, and every part of my soul hurts. I want to believe that Vance is the man I fell in love with, but what if everything about him is a lie? It’s not like I’ve met any of his friends or family to corroborate his past. I haven’t even googled him, to be honest, because I felt like it was borderline stalking.
But why didn’t he tell me that he’s an ex-con? Serving a prison sentence doesn’t just slip your mind, and it sounds like he just got out. Did he just conveniently “forget”?
My heart cracks a bit more. I thought we were being honest and vulnerable with each other, but now I’m starting to realize that I was the only one being honest. I wish he’d told me himself because finding out like this undermines our relationship – if there ever was a relationship.
“I’m going to send that sick bastard back to jail. That’s where animals like him belong. The cops need to lock him up and throw away the key! That’s the only way to stop a predator like him,” Elena screeches, still ranting. Oh god, I don’t want Vance to go back to jail because of what we had together. My hot neighbor never hurt a hair on my head, and in fact, we’re in love with each other. At least, we were. I can’t let the man go to prison because of me.
It might sound crazy, but I have to talk to him. There has to be some sort of explanation for all of this. Vance has never harmed me in any way, so it’s hard for me to believe the things my mother is saying about him. He’s been nothing but kind and loving toward me. How can he be a sexual predator? As my mother continues to scream vile things about him, I tune her out and think about Vance’s piercing blue eyes again. I think about all the things he’s done to show me his love.
After all, this just doesn’t make sense. I have to hear his side of the story. There are two sides to every tale, and maybe Vance knows something that will explain it all. Maybe they got the conviction wrong? I don’t know, but I know I need to talk to him in person. The only problem is, I’m pretty sure my mother is going to be watching me like a hawk for now on, so it’ll be damn near impossible to sneak out of my house. Technically since I’m eighteen I can do whatever I want, but Elena won’t see it that way. She still thinks I’m a little boy.
“Yeah Mom,” I say dully, still staring out the window. “I hear you.”
Of course, I’ve tuned out her voice by now because it’s the only way to survive. Right now, I don’t have a plan but god, I hope my mother is wrong. I need her to be because I’ve fallen deeply in love with Vance and I don’t want things to have to end between us. Our romance has only just begun, and I see my whole future in his eyes. Maybe I’m young, but I know what I want, and it’s Vance. Eternity beckons, and I can’t let a misunderstanding take it all away.
18
Vance
I don’t think I’ve ever felt this wretched in my entire life. I’m more depressed now than I was on the day I was sentenced to five years in prison. It’s that bad.
After Elena whisked Jake away yesterday, I tried to reach out to him, but he hasn’t returned any of my phone calls or text messages. I haven’t heard a single word from him in the last twenty four hours, and that’s what kills me. Not the screamed insults, nor the revelation that I’m an ex-con. It’s Jake’s silence that drives a dagger into my heart.
I’ve been losing my mind without him and even considered walking straight up to his front door and demanding to speak to him, but I knew that an action that brazen will have consequences. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t go on in life without him, but there’s a chance that he probably doesn’t ever want to see me again. Who knows what damage has already been wreaked?
What the hell was Elena even doing at Glenwood Forest anyway? It doesn’t seem like a likely place for a woman like her. I mean, I doubt she’s ever hiked a day in her life. The woman wears nothing but high heels and skin-tight clothing, which doesn’t look good on her lumpy figure. How the hell did she hobble up the hill on her leopard print stilettos? Go figure.
But I don’t have time to worry about how Elena smoked us out. My only concern is getting Jake back, it’s just not clear how I’m going to do that. No doubt his mother probably has him under house arrest. Not that I blame her. As a rational adult, I can see why any parent would be spooked.
The thing is, my probation is now over. All the things Elena threatened didn’t come to pass, and now I’m totally clear. Isn’t that ironic? My life comes crashing down, but now I’m a free man.
I should be ecstatic, but all I feel is depressed. Sure, I’m a free man, but I’ve now lost the love of my life as part of this clusterfuck. I should’ve been honest with Jake from the beginning, but now it’s too late and I don’t know if I stand a chance at getting him back. Elena’s probably showed him my mugshot and rap sheet by now. He probably thinks I’m a monster, but that just isn’t true.
I’d give anything to hear my lover’s voice again. I’d love to hear him grunt and moan my name while trembling ecstatically in my arms. But that’s the thing – it might never happen again, and that’s what kills me. I didn’t sleep a wink last night and I haven’t eaten a thing all day. I’m completely miserable and Jake’s the only one who can relieve my aching heart.
As I wallow in my despair, a knock sounds at the door. Oh god, could it be the police? Has Elena somehow convinced them that I did molest Jake? My stomach turns as I slowly walk toward the entrance. Usually I don’t scare easily, but the last thing I want to do is spend another five years in prison. Then I’ll definitely never see Jake again.
I place my hand on the door knob and hesitantly turn before pulling it open. But empty space greets my
gaze. What the hell? There’s no one here.
Suddenly, there’s another knock, but I realize it’s coming from the back door. Why the hell would someone be knocking on that door? The only person whose ever used that door was Jake. Oh shit, could it be him? Quickly, I dash to the back of the house. I yank the door open, revealing my lover on the other side. Our eyes meet, causing my heart to pound inside of my chest. He stands there looking unsure, shuffling his feet.
Is Jake afraid of me? I hope not, but it hurts to think that he might be. At least he’s here now. I was terrified that I would never see him again, but here he is, in the flesh. There’s so much that I want to say to him because I’m finally ready to tell him the truth. All of it. If he’s ever going to trust me again, then I need to be completely honest with him. I just hope that I don’t end up scaring him away.
“Hi,” I murmur.
“Hey,” he says softly.
“Come in,” I say, stepping aside to let him through the door. He slips inside quickly, probably worried that his mother might see. I don’t blame him. I close the door behind him, grateful for his presence. As I stare into those brown eyes, however, I realize he’s just as miserable as I am. His sockets are a bit puffy, so he must’ve been crying all night long. I have to admit, I shed a few tears myself as well. This is such a messed-up situation.
I take a step toward him and we instantly fall into each other’s arms. It feels good to hold him in my embrace again. It’s only been one day, but it seems like it’s been the longest day of my entire life. Every second spent apart from Jake feels like an eternity, and I vow never again. Softly, I press a kiss to his forehead.
“I needed to see you, Vance,” he says while resting his head on my chest.
“I’m glad you came by. You have no idea how much I’ve missed you,” I reply.