As if you were all alone
I’m just saying because
If you shove that finger
Any further up your nostril
It’s going to get stuck on the second knuckle
Forfeit
Remember that time?
That first time?
That glorious
Magical
Wonderful time
When I begged and begged and begged
And you gave in to me?
Yeah
You might as well have signed over
The lease to your house to me that day
Please Stop
I am
I am
I still am
Sigh, yes I am
For a fifth time
That would be me
So I’m begging you
Please stop asking
“Who’s a fuzzy, funny fur face?”
Because you’re sounding less like
A loving pet parent
And more like
The most unprepared job interviewer
on the planet
Looking Good
Lick
Lick
Slobber
Lick
Lick
There
Now all your left arm hairs
Point in the same direction
And glisten
And smell of seafood surprise
And you’re welcome
Now I Know
The first time you clipped my nails
I thought, “This person is a maniac!”
The first time you cleaned my teeth
I thought, “This person is a lunatic!”
The first time you gave me a bath
I thought, “This psychopath must be stopped!”
The first time you lovingly brushed my fur
I thought, “Great
Now I feel guilty
For having shoved all those things
in your mouth while you slept”
Let Me Count
I love you!
I love you!
Let me count the reasons that I love you!
One, you are so kind
Three, you are so warm
The Letter Q, you are so giving
Ampersand, you are so . . .
Let me instead counter
By saying I’m only a kitten
And so my counting skills are not up to par
But from a scale of one to a hundred
Know that my love for you
Is easily exclamation point!
Pretty Kitty
There’s a little red bow in my hair
There’s a flowery hat on my head
There’s a pink frilly dress on my body
There are plastic pearls around my neck
There’s like a hundred stuffed animals
around me
There’s a little girl pouring me pretend tea
There’s an open door
There’s the one chance
For this fluffy kitty to escape
To dye her fur black
And to rename herself “Destroya”
CHAPTER 3
NEW ADVENTURES
Never look back
You’ll only appear responsible
For what broke behind you
KITTEN MOTTO
Pass the Time
One day
One long
Slow
Boring
Day
Just to pass the time
I tried licking myself
Down there
Now several hours have passed
Or maybe several weeks
And I feel like I should stop
At least to get something to eat
Or look up to see if you guys still live here
Everywhere I Look
There’s a bird in a nearby cage
There are fish in that tank
There’s even a mouse-like thing
Running around on a little wheel
There’s the fast beating of my heart
There’s the big lump in my throat
There are the tears of joy in my eyes
As it dawns on me
I didn’t just move into my forever home
But into my very own Whole Foods store
Finally Come Home
Ten hours
I was all alone
Ten hours
I was really bored
Ten hours
Until you finally came home
Only to walk right by me
And plop down on the couch
Only for me
To take a sharp swipe at your ankle
Now you’re chasing me around the house
Now you’re hobbling and cursing my name
Now I’m thinking these past ten minutes
Are the happiest I’ve been all day
Over Here!
Now I’m over here!
Now I’m on top of this!
Now I’m wedged between these!
Now I’ve torn through all of that!
Now my head is in this jar!
Now my butt is on this meal!
Now my body’s in midair!
Now I’m flying through something dainty!
Now I’m hanging from your leg!
Now I’m hanging from the screen!
Now I’m hanging from a ceiling fan!
Now I’m in midair once again!
Now I’m outside!
Now I’m running back inside!
Now I’m hurtling back outside!
Now I’m on the roof!
Now it may not be your roof!
Now you’re pleading with me to get off the roof!
Now I landed on your face!
Now I don’t know
How I’ve been so many places
In the past minute and a half
But I do know that
Thanks to tracking litter
I can retrace my journey every single
step of the way
Tell Them All
Tell my family
I love them
Tell my friends
I miss them
Tell the world
About the brave little kitten
Who tried to scale
The mighty stairs
Only to realize
That all of her mail
Will have to be forwarded
To the third step
For the rest of her life
Amuse Myself
Bat
Bat
Bat bat bat
Bat bat bat bat bat bat bat bat
Bat
Great
Now they’re under the fridge
Well, time to see
If my person has a third set
For another round of house keys hockey
Ten
One, two, three
Four, five, six,
Seven, eight, nine
And ten
Ten toes
All sticking out of your blanket
Ten toes
All quickly bitten
Ten toes
All clearly vanquished
Ten toes
Judging by their ungodly stench
All now very much dead
I Have a Collar
I have a little collar
With a little bell
That makes a little jingle
Jingle
Jingle
Jingle
Jingle
Jingle, jingle, jingle, JINGLE
I’m losing my mind
I can’t hear myself think
When I run screaming mad
The jingles only get louder
I wish more than anything
I was covered in bugs
So I could just wear a flea collar
Like my lucky, filthy brother instead
Rainy Days
I love
to gaze out the window
And see the clouds rally overhead
I love to press my nose against the glass
And smell the air before the storm
I love to tilt my head
And hear the tap tap tap
of the drops on the ground
I love to gaze out the window
And know that at any moment
The dog will have to go out in that rain to pee
So Small
The sofa
The counter
The bookcase
You
Everything towers above me
Everything looms over me
Everything is so tall
And I feel so small
So wee
So less than a speck
That all I can do
Is take it out on the carpet
Right beneath my feet
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Tiny, insignificant carpet fibers
That I soil daily
To you I must seem like a god!
Your Legs
I weave and weave
Between your legs
I rub and rub
Against your legs
I roll and roll
Right by your legs
I hope and hope
It’s just a phase
I beg and beg
It’s just new urges
I pray and pray
It’s not that I’m actually
Attracted to your legs
Because I’ve been here enough months to know
They’re already in a committed relationship
with the dog
Youth
The purpose of youth
The point of being young
Is to explore all that you can
Go as far as you can
Scale as high as you can
Reach what great levels you can
So long as you can
Always be in the vicinity
Of someone with a ladder or long arms
Adorable
I curl my adorable fur body
Into an adorable fetal ball
As I tuck my adorable head
Into my adorable tail
And sigh my adorable sighs
As I rest adorably
Right on top of the one thing you need right now
Sleep, adorable me. Sleep.
I Pounce!
I pounce on my brother!
He pounces on me!
Then I pounce on my brother!
Then he pounces on me!
Now I’m on top of him!
Now he’s on top of me!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaand . . . time!
So with a score of 126–85
I win again!
Boy, how I do love to play
What I assume is Australian rules football
Dear Diary
Dear Diary
I ran, I ran
I ran, I ran
I ran, I ran
I caused something to shatter
I ran faster, I ran faster
I ran faster, I ran faster
I ran at blinding speed
I slept
I will always treasure this day
CHAPTER 4
SAME OLD TROUBLE
It’s a big, big world
And there are great people wherever you look
And if you play your cards just right
They will all leave you alone
OLDER CAT’S ADVICE
Gratitude
Thank you
For everything
You do for me
Thank you
For everything
You have done for me
Thank you
For everything
You WILL do for me
Once I perfect hypnosis
Hero
Visionary
Revolutionary
Vanguard
Hero
These will be my names
These will be my legacy
These will be the chants
That will greet me
When I’m released from the bathroom
For my time out
As everyone agrees
Someone
Anyone
Had to end the tyranny
Of those hideous drapes in the den
Not Goodbye
I still smell the older cat
On his favorite chair
On his favorite blanket
On his favorite toy
On me
I still smell the older cat
But I can’t find him anywhere
And now his dish is gone
And now his bed is gone
And now you are crying
But I still smell the older cat
So tomorrow I will look again
Seen It All
The couch
The bed
The chair
The sill
I thought I had sat
Everywhere this house had to offer
I thought I had seen
Everything this home had to give
I thought at my early age
I had lived my entire life
But then I saw the box
And now I sit inside the box
Staring off into the distance
Ignoring your pleas
To lift my ass so you can have
Just one of the chocolates inside
Even if it’s one of the lemon-filled ones,
you say
It’s melting into your fur,
you say
Please stop ruining Valentine’s Day,
you say
As I sit and lick my paw
Only to find the coconut one tastes
kind of odd
You Did All This
You did this
You did all this
When you left yesterday
When you came back today
When you left me alone all night
Sure, maybe those aren’t your paw prints
Sure, maybe you didn’t knock everything down
Sure, maybe you didn’t put in the time and effort
To somehow unscrew a bookcase without thumbs
But I want you to look upon this wreckage
I want you to remember you abandoned me
And I want you to know that you did all this
And that I was but the forgotten innocent
Who just made damn sure it all got done
Give Him a Treat
When the dog sits
You give him a treat
When the dog heels
You give him a treat
When the dog rolls over
You give him a treat
But when I run up the curtains so fast
That I slam my head against the ceiling
You just scream and scream and scream
Which leads me to conclude
That when the dog does something amazing
You think it’s a trick
But when I do something amazing
You believe it’s actually magic
Maybe I’m Confused
Maybe I’m confused
Maybe I don’t know any better
Maybe I was weaned too young
Maybe I bit down on your nipple too hard
But maybe you can calm down
And stop your constant screaming
Because, dude, I’ve only been sucking away
For maybe ten minutes tops
The Only Reason
Listen to me
Believe me
Put your every confidence in me
When I say
That the only reason
I walked off
Right in the middle
Of you telling me your big news
Was so I could share it with
the rest of the world
Stretch
Stretch
; Stretch
Streeeeeeeeeeeeetch
And still I’m too small
To take over the couch
So I knock down your lamp
To fill up its space
Wake me when it’s time for bed
While You’re Typing
I jump on your laptop while you’re typing
And you just take me off
Then I jump on your laptop while you’re typing
And you lift me off with a sigh
Then I jump on your laptop while you’re typing
And you take me off with a grunt
Then I jump on your laptop while you’re typing
And you yell, “Stop it!”
Then I jump on your laptop while you’re typing
And you don’t understand
That some writers just need editors
And others need to be told
“I’m sorry, but have you tried pottery instead?”
I Panicked
I panicked
I flinched
I lashed out
I drew blood
From the family dog’s nose
I’m more monster than kitten
I’m more beast than pet
I’m being left alone
The dog is under the bed
I’m going to remember this trick
The Lap
I want to be on your lap
I need to be on your lap
I have to be on your lap
I know you’re currently standing
But my claws can only hold
On to your crotch for so long
So please take a seat
Because I want to be on your lap right now
Can’t Stop
Ceiling
Wall
Floor
Wall
Ceiling
Wall
Floor
Wall
Ceiling
Wall
Floor
Wall
Please
Someone
Get me out
Of this rolling hamster ball
Sense of Wonder
Thanks to my sense of wonder
Thanks to my thirst for knowledge
Thank to my need to explore
To analyze
To learn
To find out all there is
I Knead My Mommy Page 2