“But how do you know?” I press.
His face becomes more serious and he looks away from me briefly, as if he’s collecting his thoughts.
“Because, I love you, Sydney. I can’t just turn that off.” He says it so matter-of-fact that I’m certain I stop breathing.
I shake my head. He tilts my chin up with his index finger so that I’m looking at him. Always. Because with Grant, it’s all out in the open. It’s all sincere. There’s nothing fake, and nothing to hide from.
“What?” he asks.
I wrack my brain for the right words. I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling.
“I just, I can’t believe that you feel that way….” I stumble over my words.
“Why?” he asks. “I’ve never made it a secret. I’ve loved you from day one.”
“I just…I…” It’s too hard to form a thought with him this close to me.
He leans in even closer, and his lips brush against my ear.
“Sydney, I love you,” he breathes, his warm breath ruffling my hair. He rubs his nose along my ear and a chill runs through me.
“I—” I start. I want to tell him that I love him too, but he presses his index finger to my lips and shakes his head.
“Shhh…” he says with a slight smile. “You know that day with the joke with the glow sticks? When I said that you were delicate?” He runs his finger along my jaw and kisses me gently. I don’t know where he’s going with this, but I nod. “Well, you’re not. You’re so strong, Syd.”
I shake my head. “No, no I’m not. If I were, I would’ve told someone, I would have gotten out sooner.”
“You are. Do I wish you would’ve left him a long time ago? Hell yeah. But there’s something to be said for someone brave enough to take on that kind of darkness alone. You’ve already made it through so much, and you’ll make it through this, too. But it can’t be because of me. It has to come from you, baby. No matter how much I just want to hold you, and protect you. I’ll be here waiting, though.”
Two months…
-Epilogue-
I slept through most of the flight. I’ve never traveled alone before, I always have Dad or Sam with me, but I’m sort of surprised with how at ease I’ve been. I’ve been training really hard at gym ever since I got the okay from the doctors and Dad, and it’d left me exhausted in the best way, so sleep came easily. I was glad to be back in a normal routine though; it felt good.
I’m amazed at how quickly the summer flew by. After such a terrible start, I expected that it would drag on. I kept busy with gym once I was able to go back, and hung out with Quinn and Tessa a lot. It was nice to have my friends back. To be able to joke with them, and act stupid, without a dark secret looming over me. The best part was that me, Dad and Maisy had finally taken a family vacation. We hadn’t done that since mom was alive. We went to Oregon to visit Mom’s family, who we rarely ever saw.
I felt so at peace in my mom’s childhood home. I stayed up late, in the room that she’d grown up in. I felt close to her, like she was helping to guide me. And, strangely, being in a town of total strangers was exactly what I needed to find myself again. I realized that I was okay, just as I was. That everything didn’t have to be perfect all the time. That I didn’t have to make everyone happy, and the only person’s happiness that I was responsible for was my own.
So, that’s where I’m headed; to my happiness.
Grant and I had talked daily since he left for New York. He’d sent me e-mails full of gorgeous photos and packages of trinkets that he’d pick up. Our nightly phone conversations had become my favorite part of the day. We could and would talk about everything under the sun.
And this trip? This is my birthday present to myself. Dad and Quinn were shocked when I didn’t want to have a big eighteenth birthday party. I had something else in mind.
I knew that just like I had been with his, Grant was totally in the dark about when my birthday was. The idea occurred to me while I was in Oregon. I stopped by to visit Julie when I got back from my vacation with Maisy and Dad and she helped me plan my trip.
I’d cleaned out my savings account and was going to surprise Grant. I could perfectly appreciate how he felt when he said that he’d spent his birthday exactly how he wanted when he’d spent it with me.
We’re landing and still, the nerves that had once been so paralyzing have yet to kick in. Instead, I feel completely serene and at peace with my decisions. I grab my carryon bag from under the seat and follow the crowd off of the plane. I keep waiting for the claustrophobia to strike, but it never comes.
Julie made arrangements for someone to pick me up from the airport. If I had any idea where I was going, I probably would have jumped out of the car and run down the streets myself. The traffic is like nothing I’ve ever seen. I admit, my stomach tightens when the driver stops outside a massive building and the doorman helps me with my bags.
I’ve made it this far, all expertly planned by Julie, but now, I’m on my own.
I start wringing my hands as the elevator climbs floors. I pull the address card out of my purse and read it for the hundredth time. I know which apartment I’m looking for, but I keep checking constantly. Just in case. The elevator doors open and reveal a small hallway, decorated in thick, formal wallpaper. The stuffy interior makes me cringe. There’s the claustrophobia I’d missed so much. But there’s only one door down the hall, Grant’s door. The apartment he’s been staying with his brother in for the summer. It’s right there.
I hesitate at the door. This is it. What if he’s not even home?
I knock lightly and wait. He might not have heard the light knock; he wouldn’t have been expecting it since the doorman hadn’t buzzed. I raise my hand to knock again and the door flies open.
And he’s there.
His hair is a little longer, a lot more unruly, and just as perfect. He’s casual like always, wearing plaid shorts, a navy blue sleeveless shirt and brown leather flip flops. His face lights up and his mouth forms his trademark, flawless smile.
“Sydney!” he gasps. He doesn’t even hesitate and instead, pulls me up off of the ground and close to him.
“What are you doing here?” His eyes are wide with surprise.
I smile widely at him. “It’s my birthday.”
He’s still holding me tightly. He holds me high enough that I’m eye-level with him, my feet dangling high off the ground. He kicks the door shut behind him and carries me to the couch.
The inside of the apartment is formal, like the halls. It’s spotless and a little stuffy, but Grant’s laid-back vibe helps balance it all out.
“This is amazing,” I say. The view from the floor to ceiling windows is something I’d only imagined ever seeing. Skyscrapers and famous landmarks for as far as I could see.
He sits down on the firm, white sofa and sets me sideways on his lap. He reaches up and brushes my hair back behind my shoulders.
“I can’t believe that you’re here,” he says.
“Well, it’s been a lot of days without kisses,” I say.
He laughs quietly and pulls me closer. He teases me with his lips, brushing them across my cheeks, my lips, and my forehead. Never staying anywhere long enough for me to really reciprocate.
“Happy birthday,” he says. He traces a line up and down my spine and I tremble with delight.
“Thank you,” I say. It’s peaceful, and right, and perfect.
“So, how did you get here? I mean, how did you know where I was?”
I’d worried that Julie might slip and reveal the surprise, but it’s obvious from the expression on his face that he never had a hint that I was coming.
“Julie helped.” I’m sure he knew that she was capable of close to anything.
He nuzzles his nose under my ear and kisses the skin lightly. I’d missed the feeling of those lips.
“I missed you,” I whisper.
“I missed you too, baby.” He kisses my chin, my nose, and then finally my lips.
And it’s all I’d been waiting for for months. Because it isn’t just a kiss. It’s finally the start of us. Real and honest, and safe. I love Grant. I love him for being all of those things.
I loved Trevor wholly. In all the good ways that made me feel alive and special and important. But also, in the bad ways. The ways that shut me off from others and left me alone with my pain. The ways that had me keep secrets. I loved Trevor in all the ways that I thought mattered, even though I knew that I didn’t.
Letting go is never easy. Especially when you can’t see where you’re going to land. But I’ve learned that sometimes, you just have to throw your weight behind the change. Take the chance that you may fall.
Did some cosmic force step in and bring Grant into my life at just the right time to rescue me? I don’t know. The one thing that I am sure of is that there will be a lot more uncertainties in my life. There will always be another difficult dismount, and countless more blind landings. But for the first time in my life, I’m okay with that. I’m looking forward to the twists and turns, and surprises—there’ll be a thousand more times I won’t be able to see where I’m going to land.
Grant wraps his hand through mine and I know that whether I land firmly, or fall, he’ll be right there, next to me.
Authors Note:
According to the website, www.loveisrespect.org, nearly 1.5 million high school students nationwide experience physical abuse from a dating partner in a single year.
One in three is a victim of physical, sexual, emotional or verbal abuse from a partner.
One in ten high school students has been hit, slapped or physically hurt by a boyfriend or girlfriend.
One quarter of high school girls have been victims of physical or sexual abuse.
Love is not abuse. If you need help, please check out their website, loveisrespect.org.
They have help available via text, phone, or an online chat option available 24/7.
********
Want to know how Sydney’s best friend, Quinn spends her summer vacation?
Check out the companion book,
GROUNDING QUINN, available now.
-Acknowledgments—
Thanks to all of you wonderful, patient readers, who waited and waited…and waited for this release.
To my Lucky 21. You are, by far, the best part of this whole crazy, publishing journey. So blessed to have every single one of you in my life. Love you all.
To the amazing, hilarious and just plain awesome, Liz Reinhardt who cheered me on to the finish line. (And reads faster than anyone I know.) I owe you, gorgeous.
To Jolene Perry, for taking a chance and reaching out to a newly self-published author and turning into one of my best friends.
To Nyrae Dawn, for always having the right thing to say. Whether it’s a sick kid, a writing frustration, or a funny mishap. You are the definition of a true friend. Xo
To Colleen Hoover, because, you know, you’re a NYT Best Seller, but still, when I need a beta reader, you’re all, “send it over, I’ll get it back to you today.” Rock.Star.
And, thanks to Mike, for the glow-sticks.
About the Author
Stephanie is a So Cal Native, a happily married mother to four evil geniuses, a nail polish addict and YA Junkie. When she isn’t reading, writing or wiping someone’s nose, you can usually find her baking something.
Novels Currently Available by Stephanie are:
GROUNDING QUINN (Contemporary Mature YA) (June 2011)
MY HEART FOR YOURS - co-written with Jolene Perry (Contemporary New-Adult Romance) (May 2012)
She blogs at http://stephcampbell.blogspot.com, stop by and say hello!
www.facebook.com/authorstephcampbell
Twitter: stephcampbell_
Group Blog: http://fortheloveofcontemporary.blogspot.com (Blog devoted to Contemporary YA Fiction)
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