by Amber Garza
Having no idea what to say, and unsure I can do it without crying anyway, I simply nod.
“What you’re doing is so brave. But I know it can’t be easy. So if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here.”
“Thanks,” I squeak out. “And just so you know, even on the days when it’s hard to imagine giving this baby up, I know I’m making the right choice, and that makes it easier. You and Molly are going to be the most amazing parents, and that’s all I ever wanted for this baby.”
****
“No way am I going out there in this.” I point to my naked, swollen stomach.
Emmy turns. “Whoa.”
“I know, right? I’m a beached whale.”
Her eyebrows raise. “I don’t think that’s how I’d describe you.”
“Then what words would you use? Cow? Pig?”
Emmy shakes her head. “Hot. Curvy. Sexy.”
I snort. “Your brother is rubbing off on you.”
“He’s not wrong,” Emmy says. “And trust me, he’s gonna think you look smokin’ in that bathing suit.”
“I don’t know about looking smokin’, but I feel like I’m on fire.” I fan myself with my hand, sweat forming under my armpits and running down my sides. “God, being pregnant is the pits.” Lowering my hands, they rest on my round protruding belly.
“On the bright side, your boobs are huge.” Emmy’s gaze rests on the top of my bikini. “And they look amazing in that suit.”
Self-conscious, I cover them with my hands.
“If mine looked like that, I certainly wouldn’t hide them,” Emmy says.
I take in Emmy’s black bikini. “Yours look nice,” I say honestly, and then my cheeks warm. I’m not used to talking to my girlfriends about their boobs. But my friendship with Emmy isn’t like my former friendships. She’s different. More open. And we’ve grown close. Still I’m having a hard time with all the girl talk. It’s new to me.
“Thanks.” She glances at her reflection in the mirror above her dresser. “But I’d give anything for yours.”
“Get pregnant. Then you too can have them. Of course, with it comes a giant belly, swollen ankles, uncontrollable gas, and constant back pain,” I say dryly.
“No, thanks.” Emmy frowns. “And don’t let my dad hear you say that. He’s already worried enough about me getting knocked up.”
This perks my interest. “Are you and Chris having sex?”
“No, and I’ve told my dad that, but I don’t think he believes me.”
I don’t blame him. Em and Chris are pretty tight, and they’ve been together for awhile. My parents would probably make the same assumption.
“What about you and Cal?” Emmy asks.
“Are you kidding? Look at me. Sex is the last thing on my mind.” Groaning, I climb onto Emmy’s bed and stare down at my giant feet. I can’t believe I’m going to have to do this for several more months. Playing the uncomfortable pregnant lady works to get me out of a lot of things. But the truth is, that’s not the reason Cal and I haven’t been intimate. Honestly, I’m not ready. I want to take my time with Cal when it comes to physical stuff. There’s still a lot of baggage that I’m dealing with and I want to be healthy and whole when I give myself to Cal. I’m fortunate to be with a guy who understands this. A guy who’s patient, and is allowing me to dictate when it happens between us.
Emmy sits down next to me, her eyes narrowed. “Pregnancy’s really that bad, huh?”
I nod.
“I know some women who love it.”
“Yeah, well, they probably get to keep their baby,” I blurt out without thinking.
Pity splashes across Emmy’s features, and I wish I could cram the words back in. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s fine.” I wave away her statement. “I didn’t mean anything by that.”
“Taylor.” Emmy stops me by placing a hand over mine. “It’s okay to be honest about how you’re feeling. You don’t have to be tough all the time.”
My gaze lowers. “It’s just weird carrying this baby knowing that there’s no benefit at the end of it.”
“There is a benefit,” Emmy points out. “You’re going to have a child to give to your aunt and uncle. That’s like the best present you can ever give anyone.”
My head lifts. “That’s sorta what Aunt Molly said.”
“And it’s true.” Emmy smiles, her gaze dropping to my belly. “That baby is going to have the most awesome life, and it’s all because of you. And it’s not like you’ll never see the baby again. It will be your cousin.”
I know she’s trying to help, but my stomach twists. The thought of seeing my baby grow up without me sounds terrible. But I do know that she’s right about one thing. The baby will have an awesome life.
I’m actually glad I got to live with Aunt Molly and Uncle Alex, because now I know exactly what the baby’s life will be like. And it’s pretty cool here.
“Thanks, Em,” I say.
“Of course.” She pats my hand. “I’m here anytime you need to talk, okay?”
Nodding, I smile.
Emmy stands. “What do you say we try out this pool?”
This summer the Fishers put in a pool in their backyard. The pool was filled with water this week, and today is the first day we can swim in it.
It takes some effort to hoist myself up, but I get there. “I’m definitely ready.” Cold water sounds like heaven right about now.
Emmy walks out of her room, and I waddle behind her. We weave our way through her family room and kitchen until reaching the back door. I can already hear the boys splashing in the pool. My chest tightens, and I glance down at my exposed body.
Pausing, I say, “Maybe I should have put on a shirt or something.”
“Trust me, Cal’s gonna have a freakin’ heart attack. You look amazing.” She grabs my arm and yanks me outside before I can protest any further.
The minute our feet hit the cement, the boys stop swimming and peer over at us. Cal’s gaze travels the length of my body, his eyes widening, and his mouth gaping.
“Told you,” Emmy mumbles under her breath.
My lips twitch upward at the corners. On wobbly legs I make my way over to the pool. Cal hurries toward me. By the time I reach the first step, Cal reaches out and clutches my hand.
“Let me help you there, gorgeous,” he drawls.
I allow him to guide me into the cool water. Once it’s up to my neck, I breathe out in relief. It’s the most comfortable I’ve been in weeks. As Cal helps me glide farther into the water, I feel weightless and free.
“Amazing,” I breathe out.
“You really are,” Cal says, his eyes never leaving mine.
I giggle. “I was talking about the pool.”
“I wasn’t.” Cal winks. Drawing me closer, he wraps his arms around me. My belly keeps us from getting as close as I’d like, but his lips still find mine.
Epilogue – Taylor
Nothing could’ve prepared me for how I would feel when I first saw her. For most of my pregnancy, I’ve tried to keep my feelings for the baby neutral. That’s why I always referred to her as the baby. And it’s why I didn’t want to know what the sex was. I liked thinking of the baby as a thing, not a real person.
Not my child.
Because she’s not. She’s my aunt and uncle’s child.
I know I’m doing the right thing. I’m not ready to be a mom. Besides, if I had kept her, Dusty would always be in my life, and in hers. There’s no way I could do that. Not to her or to me. Aunt Molly and Uncle Alex will be great parents. I’m giving my child an amazing gift – the chance at a blessed life with two loving parents.
Still, when I looked into her little pink face for the first time, into the eyes that are so much like mine, I felt a tug on my heart unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I love her in a way I’ve never loved anyone before.
That’s why it was easy for me to immediately hand her over to my aunt and uncle.
I love her
too much to keep her.
Isn’t there a saying that goes, “If you love something let it go?” Well, that’s what I’m doing. I’m not sure this is the scenario the phrase was referring to, but I definitely relate to it at this moment. I love the baby so much that I want her to have the best life possible. And I know that life is with my aunt and uncle.
I can picture it all in my head. She’ll live in their cozy house in Prairie Creek with the large tree standing guard outside her window. On Sundays she’ll sit in the pew and listen to her dad’s messages. She’ll attend Prairie Creek High School, and maybe even date a boy on the baseball team. Her mom will walk her into town on Saturdays and they’ll peruse the antique shop and maybe grab an ice cream cone. And Aunt Molly and Uncle Alex will love her unconditionally. They’ll give her the upbringing she deserves.
“Hey.” My head bobs up at the sound of Cal’s voice. He enters the hospital room, a bouquet of red roses in his hand. On his head he wears his baseball cap, and it reminds me of the first time I saw him. It’s strange how much everything has changed since then. My perception of Cal, my perception of this town. I was such an angry, sullen person when I got here. It’s funny that in this town that I once saw as a prison, as hell on earth, I blossomed into a woman. I’ve grown into the person I was created to be. I found myself, and in the process learned to love myself.
And I have Cal to thank for most of that.
“Hey,” I answer in a groggy voice. Shifting in the hospital bed, I push myself up so I can sit higher.
Reaching behind me, Cal adjusts the pillow behind my back. “How ya doing?”
“Okay,” I say.
“Taylor, it’s me. You can be honest.” After setting the roses down on the table near my bed, he touches my hair lightly. It’s damp from sweat, but that doesn’t stop him from stroking it gently. Then again, with as much time as he spends on a baseball field, I doubt a little sweat bothers him. I find it endearing.
And it breaks me open. A tear trickles down my cheek, and my lips wobble. “The nurses took her down the hall a little while ago. My aunt and uncle are with her.”
“I know it’s hard,” Cal speaks softly. Leaning over, he presses a kiss to my temple. It’s one of my favorite things about Cal. The way he’ll kiss me on my forehead or cheek. In the past when a guy kissed me it was meant to lead to something. But often Cal will kiss me as a way to comfort me or show his love. It’s not sexual. It’s not meant to go anywhere. It’s only meant as a show of affection.
I’ve never told Cal I love him. It’s not that I haven’t known it for a long time, but I guess I’ve been scared. I told Dusty I loved him after only a few weeks, and look where that got me. In the past, telling someone I loved them was the same as handing my life over. It was the same as being trapped. The person owned me, had power over me. I never want that with Cal.
However, I know it will never be like that with Cal, because he’s not like Dusty. He’s not like any guy I’ve ever met. He doesn’t want to control me. He wants the best for me.
If today has taught me anything, it’s that love is powerful and selfless. And you need to grab a hold of it while you have it.
“Cal?” I say, gathering courage.
“Yeah?” His gaze crashes into mine.
When we first started dating I would get lost in those gorgeous eyes of his. And I love how that hasn’t changed after all this time. I still find myself drowning in them. “I love you,” I blurt out.
A smile spreads across his face. “Oh, Taylor, I love you too.”
“You do?” My heart skips a beat.
“I have for a long time now. I just didn’t want to scare you off by saying it too soon.” He steals a kiss on my mouth.
“I’m not scared, Cal. Not of you. Not of us,” I speak against his mouth. “In fact, I’ve never felt so safe and secure in my entire life.”
“I’ll always protect you, and I’ll always be here for you” Cal says. “You know that.”
I nod, emotion rising in my throat. “I need that now.”
His arms come around me, and he draws me close.
“Is it weird that I miss her?” I speak into his chest.
“Not at all.”
“She was a part of me, and now I feel kind of empty,” I confess.
“She’ll always be a part of you,” Cal says.
Sniffing, I draw back and look into Cal’s face. “I keep telling myself I’m doing the right thing. I am, right?”
“Taylor, not only are you doing the right thing, but you’re doing the brave thing. You’re doing the most amazing thing.”
“Deep down, I know that’s true, but sometimes I feel like maybe I’m being selfish. I mean, now that she’s here, I’m free to go and do whatever I want. I can finish high school, go to college, or get a job. My future is open before me. And I feel like one day she’ll want to know why I gave her up. Why I didn’t fight for her. Why I didn’t keep her.”
“And when that happens, you’ll tell her the truth,” Cal says. “You’ll tell her that giving her up was the hardest thing you ever did. But you knew your aunt and uncle could give her a life you never could.” Reaching for one of my hands, he threads our fingers together. “Taylor, you’re not being selfish. And it’s okay for you to look forward to your future because you’ve given your daughter a bright one.”
He’s right. I just turned seventeen. I don’t have a job or a husband or a college degree. Honestly, I don’t even know what I want to do for a living. I know that if I keep the baby I will do my best, and in the end it might even be good enough. But I know my aunt and uncle will do better than I can right now.
One day I’ll be a mom. And I’ll be a damn good one.
That’s just not today.
And it sure as hell isn’t with an abusive guy like Dusty.
Thinking of him solidifies my decision.
My daughter should have a dad like Alex, not like Dusty. He would destroy her, and I can’t let that happen. This is the only way to ensure that it won’t.
“Thank you for being here,” I say to Cal.
“I’m always here.”
“I know.” Staring into Cal’s eyes, I see the bright future he’s talking about. The one that’s filled with possibilities and hope. One that I never thought I’d have.
THE END
PLAY NICE (Make the Play #3) – Hayes’ story - coming spring 2016!
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Author’s note and acknowledgments
When I first decided to write the MAKE THE PLAY series, I had no idea who the third and fourth book would be about. But I always knew the first book would be about Christian and the second book would be about Cal. While writing PLAY SAFE, I fell in love with Cal. He quickly emerged as one of my favorite characters, and I couldn’t wait to write his story.
When I first opened up this manuscript, it was easy to jump right into Cal’s mind since I felt like I got to know him so well in PLAY SAFE. Taylor was a little more difficult for me. She was closed off and quiet – much like she was to everyone else in Prairie Creek – with me. It took a lot of coaxing to get to know her. But as I peeled back the layers, it became this beautiful unfolding. I felt like I got to know her piece by piece, and in turn, that’s how Cal, and how you, the reader, got to know her as well.
By the end of the book, she stole my heart. And I honestly think she’s one of my favorite heroines I’ve ever written.
I always knew what Taylor’s secret would be, even before I knew the character would be Taylor. Adoption is an issue close to my heart as I’ve known many friends who have been unable to conceive and have adopted. Also, one of my close friends growing up was adopted, and I was able to see firsthand what a beautiful gift adoption is. My friend has the most amazing family. She’s lived a wonderful life, and that was all thanks to the selflessness of her biological mother who gave her to a most deserving family.
Also, I was a young mom (I guess I still am). I chose to keep my baby, but I was married by that point and felt I could give my son a great life. I don’t regret my decision for one minute, but I was twenty-one, not seventeen like Taylor. Had I gotten pregnant earlier than I did, I might have been faced with this choice. And if I had been, I’d like to think that I would make the decision that was best for the baby. That if I couldn’t care for my child the way he or she deserved, that I would be selfless enough to give my baby to a family who could give he or she that life.
Toward the end of writing the book, I did waffle a little. A part of me wanted Taylor to be able to keep her baby. To raise it, maybe with the help of her family. But ultimately, I knew that wasn’t the right choice. Not for Taylor, and not for her baby. And I realized that it wasn’t sad that she gave her baby up. It was beautiful, selfless, and brave. In the end, I’m glad I went with my gut. I’m glad Taylor is free to pursue whatever she wants to do in life. And I’m glad that her aunt and uncle have a baby to love and care for. But mostly, I’m glad Taylor’s baby will live an abundant life filled with love and riches.
I hope you understood what a painful decision this was for me (and for Taylor) and I hope you were able to embrace it.
As always, I have many people to thank:
First, I have to thank my husband Andrew. Your constant love and support is what keeps me going every day.
Second, I have to thank my kids – Kayleen and Eli. You two make life fun, and you inspire me daily.
Third, I have to thank those who helped me shape this book. They are as follows:
Matt and Kagen – your baseball knowledge is priceless. Matt, thanks for helping to rewrite scenes, and for assisting me in the “guy dialogue.”
Lisa Richardson – Not only are you the best editor ever, but you are super flexible. Thank you for being understanding when I had to push back my deadline, not one but two times.