by C. A. Harms
“I don’t know, maybe.” Panic rose in my chest. “I’ve been with them daily, watching over them. I’ve shared Sawyer’s sadness and worries. I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is real or because of some screwed-up game of house. I just know I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like everything is closing in around me, and the worst part is, I feel like a jackass.” Tears pricked my eyes. “I feel like I’m disgracing Patrick’s memory.”
“You aren’t that kind of man, Gage.” My mother slid forward and reached out to take my hand. “Before this, had you ever felt even an inkling of attraction toward Sawyer?”
“Never.”
“Do you ever think Patrick had a reason for being so insistent that you be in his girls’ lives?” With a gentle squeeze she forced me to look at her by leaning in closer. “You were the only person he trusted to be there for them. There was a reason for that.”
“Yeah, he trusted me.” Yet here I was, feeling shit I shouldn’t be feeling.
“You were the only person he held that kind of faith in, Gage.”
I’d held back my need to fall apart for so long, sharing memories with Sawyer or getting lost in my own thoughts when I’d picture Pat and me as kids. I was always able to remain strong and in control, and I’d never fully broke until now.
I hung my head as a sob escaped that I had no hope of stopping and my shoulders began to shake. My mother’s arms were around me as she knelt before me.
“Let it go, son,” she encouraged. “Break, Gage. Miss him, fall apart. I’m here to pick you up, I promise.”
I couldn’t stop the overwhelming grief that hit me.
He was gone.
The one man I’d always had by my side was gone, and I was left feeling so fucking lost that I’d begun to question if I would ever feel whole again.
Chapter 27
Sawyer
“I think it’s best I stay at my place for a night or two,” Gage said as I held the phone tightly to my ear. “I’d hate to get you or Abby sick.”
I nodded, why I’m not sure. He couldn’t actually see me.
“Sawyer, are you there?”
“Yeah,” I said a little too quick, then cleared my throat to cover up the fear even I heard in my voice. “Abigail’s sleeping and I’m exhausted, so I’ll be out the moment my head hits the pillow.”
“I could call Willow—”
“No, really, I’m fine.” But I was so far from fine. “Tomorrow we’re spending the day at Rachel’s, so it’ll be good to get a good night’s sleep. Honestly, Gage, we’ll be okay.”
I was met with silence and I could picture him pacing as he gripped the back of his neck.
“You’re going to wear a path in your carpet straight through to the underlayment if you don’t stop pacing.”
His deep chuckle made my chest tighten with longing. I’d become so reliant on him that I was damn near having a panic attack at the thought of going without him. “There you go acting like you know me so well.”
“And there you go pretending I don’t.”
Silence settled over us, the only sounds our mingled breathing.
“You’ll call if you need anything?”
“Promise,” I whispered as I closed my eyes tight. “We’ll be all right. It’s time I stand on my own two feet.” Even if that thought terrified me. “You have a life outside of us. I don’t think it’s good that we both feel like we have to hold one another up every moment of every day.”
“Sawyer, I—”
Part of me wanted to ask him what he wanted to say, but I let it go.
“Good night, Gage,” I said with more confidence than I felt. “Take something and get some rest.”
“I’ll call tomorrow.”
“We’ll be okay.”
I ended the call as I took in a deep breath. Looking around the quiet kitchen, I once again felt lost and unsure of what to do. I felt a heavy weight on my chest, like I was being swallowed up by grief and terror.
“I can do this,” I assured myself with a shaky whisper before taking one deep calming breath after another. It was time I stopped relying on others and started relying on myself.
“I remember when you finally stopped thinking that one day we wouldn’t want you here anymore.” I stood in Rachel’s kitchen as she rolled dough out on wax paper, moving the rolling pin left and right, back and forth until it was the perfect thickness. “You stood at my side, much like now, and asked me if I would teach you how to make my chicken and noodles. It was the first time you’d ever asked me to teach you anything, and I just knew you’d finally come to terms with the idea that this was your home. That we would always keep you here and safe.”
The tears that had visited me at least once a day threatened to return. “You never gave up on that stubborn, damaged, and scared version of me.”
“And I never will,” she whispered. I knew she meant it. Rachel wasn’t the type of woman to back down. She was loyal and her family meant everything to her, and Abby and I were her family. Harvey and Rachel could never have children, so for years they spent their lives giving lost children a place to call home, whether it was for a week, months, or years. I was the first and only one, though, who they adopted.
“How did you do it?” I asked, still watching her as she carefully and almost too precisely cut the noodles in a perfect width. “After all those years you had with Harvey, all the memories you made, how did you go on after he passed?”
“It wasn’t easy, but I knew the life we shared was one that most dream of. We may not have been able to bear our own children, but we gave hope to a lot of kids who I think had lost it. We loved stronger and deeper than so many others we knew. We had a full life.” She looked over at me. “The love you and Patrick shared reminded me of Harvey and me.”
“I still struggle every day with even getting out of bed,” I confessed as my vision clouded with tears. “Is that normal?”
“Normal? What exactly is that?” Rachel lowered the knife and completely turned to face me. “There is no timeline for grief. No certain length it should take for you to be ready to move forward. That, sweetheart, is different for each person, and don’t you ever let anyone tell you otherwise.”
Some days I felt like I could move on and live the life Patrick had wished for me. That maybe one day I could love again. Yet on other days, the idea terrified me. I didn’t want to forget him, the way he smelled, or the way being in his arms felt. I’d never felt as safe and protected as I did when he held me close. I think the scariest part of all was not being able to close my eyes and feel that same security.
“Why don’t you and Abby stay here tonight?” Rachel cut the noodles again. “I’d love to have you both here. We could finish these and then sit down for a game of Yahtzee after we get that sweet little lady to bed.”
My tears quickly faded as I thought of all the times Patrick and I played Yahtzee with Rachel after Harvey died. I realized it had helped her heal. We offered her security even if only in small increments. I now knew what would help me too: surrounding myself with those I loved and learning to stand tall once again, even when that darkness hung over me. I’d get through this. I knew I would.
“Do you have ice cream?” I asked, and from where I stood, I could see her smile widen.
“Of course I do.”
“Then it’s settled. Abby and I are camping out.”
Chapter 28
Gage
“We’re going for beers and wings,” Eric hollered as we exited the station. “You coming?”
The idea of going anywhere but to see Sawyer troubled me. I should be on my way to her house. I should be making up for the fact I’d walked away without an explanation. I’d made a promise to watch over her and Abby, to care for them and keep them safe. Only I couldn’t right now. Staying away for the time being was best. I needed to clear my head, because it was too fogged up. I felt like I was lost in the middle of nowhere with no hope of finding shelter.
“I’m in,” I said as I
readjusted my bag on my shoulder. “Baumhower’s?”
“Yep,” Eric yelled back over his shoulder as he walked to his old truck. “See ya there.”
It was just after five and part of me wanted to grab my phone and call Sawyer just to say hey. I’d spent the last three months with her, and though they weren’t always full of laughs, we’d bonded in some crazy way. We’d built our friendship bigger and stronger. I’d only been gone for a little over a week, but fuck I missed her as if it had been forever. I missed Abigail too. That little girl could make everything better. But being with them had me feeling things I had no right to feel, believing shit that was untrue, and fantasizing about a life I wasn’t meant to live.
It all disgusted me and made me feel ashamed.
Staying away was for the best, at least until I was able to get my head and my heart back to safe territory.
After a fifteen-minute drive filled with a whole lot of thinking, I pulled up to our favorite place for wings. I did my best to ignore the nagging feeling in my chest and that hollowness in my stomach that the girls’ absence left. I talked and joked with the guys even though my heart really wasn’t in it.
“Hey, isn’t that Sawyer?”
I don’t know who’d mentioned her name, but my head shot up and I looked around the restaurant. She was tucked back in a corner with a brunette sitting across from her, and I watched her though I knew I should’ve looked away. She was laughing and leaned forward, placing her hand next to her plate on the table as she had an animated conversation. I’d seen her do it so many times, I could almost hear her voice rising and falling as she carried on the way she did when she was into whatever she was’ saying.
“She looks happy.” I realized it was Ronnie who’d spoken.
“She does,” I agreed.
Part of me hated the idea that she was having a good time without me, but another part was so damn proud of her for holding her head high. I wanted to go over and tell her I was sorry for disappearing, but with the emotions running through me, I knew I’d say shit I couldn’t take back.
“Another round?” Eric asked the table, and I still couldn’t pull my gaze away from her. The way her blond hair fell around her shoulders and the way her smile lit up the whole place.
When the waitress placed what I assumed was the check at the end of her table, my heart raced. Sawyer had been here within my reach all this time and I hadn’t even noticed her. Now she was leaving and my time to watch her at a safe distance was at an end.
I felt like I was in in a trance as my gaze followed her every movement, my body completely aware of her presence. When she stood and grabbed for her purse, my stomach plummeted.
“Gage,” Eric said, and I looked away for what felt like only a second. “Another?”
“No.” I shook my head and looked back at Sawyer’s table, which was now empty. “I’ll be right back.”
Before anyone could stop me, I walked to the open exit door. The evening air was cool against my adrenaline-warmed skin.
As I stepped outside, I looked around for her, my heart racing. I should’ve gone back inside, only I couldn’t force myself to move. Then I saw her across the road talking to the same woman she’d just been sitting with. They were standing near Sawyer’s car as she held her keys. She smiled again as the other girl spoke, then they shared a hug.
“I never thought you’d be that guy.”
I jerked at the sound of a woman’s voice just to my right. I spun around only to come face-to-face with Honor looking at me with narrowed eyes.
“You should feel ashamed of yourself,” she sneered as her nose wrinkled in disgust.
“Oh yeah?” I shouldn’t buy in to her drama, but my curiosity had gotten the best of me. “And why is that, Honor?” I shouldn’t have grinned at her. It would only piss her off further, but I no longer gave a shit.
“She’s a widow, Gage.” My humor dissipated fast. “Your best friend’s widow. Now here you are preying on her weaknesses, lingering in the shadows just waiting for her to fall so you can swoop in and be her hero. That’s the lowest thing you’ve ever done.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” I snapped. I wanted to tell her that nothing I said, did, or even felt was any of her fucking business any longer. But she was hitting a nerve.
“Really?” Honor’s eyebrows lifted in challenge. She crossed her arms over her chest and grinned, seeming pleased with herself. “Then tell me right now that you have absolutely no feelings for Sawyer, not even the slightest attraction, and I’ll let the whole idea go.”
A car door shut behind me and I fought the urge to look back. I could almost imagine Sawyer buckling her seat belt and placing her key in the ignition of her outdated Corolla. The desire to see her was so fucking strong, I could feel myself fighting against the pull of my body.
Honor smirked. “Exactly what I thought.”
That desire turned to frustration as I stepped forward, crowding her. “What the hell do you want from me, Honor?” I asked, though I had no need to hear her answer. “All the years we were together, all those times I left for work, you didn’t once give a shit that I was out there risking my life. Fuck, the only thing you ever cared about was your next hair appointment. Yet here you are in my business, acting like I give a fuck about what you think.”
She had the audacity to look offended.
“Do me a favor, go back to being the selfish bitch you’ve always been and forget I exist.” I stepped around her. “It should be easy, considering that’s what you became right after we said I do.”
I yanked open the front door of Baumhower’s and went back to join the guys, recanting my early rejection of another round. In fact, I had two.
Chapter 29
Sawyer
Abigail and I slept in this morning and it felt amazing. The sounds of her cooing in her crib through the monitor in my room made me smile. With each day I seemed to be doing that more and more. I’d started to realize just how blessed I was to receive the love I’d had from such a perfect man. He’d given me so much in such a short time.
Stretching my arms over my head, I giggled when Abby continued to coo and grunt.
As I went down the hall to her room, the light filtered into the hallway from the big window that overlooked the backyard. Each time I entered the nursery, I remembered when Gage carried Patrick upstairs to let him see it all put together. The pride in Patrick’s eyes made this room even more special. He might not have completed it, but it came from his heart. He’d designed it, and with Gage’s help it became a reality.
Each time I thought of Gage these days, I got that hollow feeling inside my chest that I immediately forced away. It’d been a couple weeks since he’d stopped coming over every day. In fact, he hadn’t been here at all, though he did text often to check on us. I missed him being around. I admit I got use to his comfort, but I understood that he had his own life to live.
I paused in the doorway and watched Abby’s wave her little arms and legs. She wasn’t crying, only playing, and from the looks of it, enjoying herself immensely. I could honestly sit and watch her for hours just like this, being happy and so innocent. She gave me hope, gave me the strength to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. She was my gift from Patrick that he’d left behind to remind me of the love we’d shared.
The doorbell rang, making me jump. I hurried across her bedroom and leaned over the side of the crib, reaching for her. Abby kicked her legs even more as I picked her up and kissed the top of her head.
“Good morning, Angel,” I said as I hugged her close and breathed in her scent for just a moment.
As the doorbell rang again, I remembered why I’d hurried to pick her up in the first place.
When I reached the front door and looked through the sidelite, I saw Walter, our longtime postman. He stood with his back to the door as he looked out over the sprawling front yard toward his truck, which waited near the road.
As I inched open the
door, he turned to face me and offered that same pitying look I got every time I saw anyone who knew about Pat.
“Good morning, Sawyer. How are you today?”
“I’m good,” I assured him, and I was. Better with each, it seemed.
“Well, uh.” He looked down at the large envelope in his hand. “I’ve got a certified letter here for ya.”
I looked at the large envelope and the moment I saw the name on the top left corner, my stomach dropped to my feet.
Stratford and Whitton Pharmaceuticals, the company Patrick had worked for.
“I just need ya to sign right here.” He held his tablet toward me and I took the little stylus that dangled at its side. My heart pounded against my ribs as my hand shook.
“You have a nice day, Sawyer,” he said as he held out the package. “That sweet little girl sure does look like her daddy.”
I nodded in agreement as I continued to stare down at the envelope in my hand. When the door was closed, I backed away and focused on taking one deep breath after another. I wasn’t sure what this could be, as all our finances and even insurance policies had been settled shortly after Patrick had passed, or so I thought.
My husband had somehow managed to plan his funeral and pay for everything without me knowing. Part of me was angry that he’d done so, but I knew that anger had stemmed from the loss itself rather than from him attempting to once again shelter me from the pain that task would have caused.
He’d also managed to secure Abby and my financial future. I’d always left the handling of our bills and debts to Patrick, so when a check arrived for a life insurance policy I wasn’t even aware he had, to say I was shocked would be an understatement. It was enough to pay off the house and live comfortably for a few years without worry.
Even though he was gone, he was still managing to protect me.
I carried Abby into the kitchen and placed the envelope on the counter, then stepped back, just staring at it for a long minute. When she wiggled and fussed, I was able to pull my attention away and make her a long-overdue bottle.