Chapter Sixteen
~Kade~
Oct. 1 - “Hey dude, I haven't seen you around in a while.” Andy called out to me from over near the coffee shop.
“I was just thinking how crazy it is sometimes that so many of us are in the same place every damn day, and I never see anyone from high school.” Specifically I was wondering why I had been back to school for going on two months and still hadn't happened to run into either Sasha or Kristin. Hell, I'd take Kristin at this point just for the off chance that she'd lead me to Sasha. Not that I wanted to talk to her and ruin whatever she has going on in life, but just to see her and know if she's happy or not.
“No kidding man. It's been forever since I've seen Sasha and then I ran into her today, and man that was a shocker.” Andy's eyes went wide with his words. Chills spread out across my body just from hearing her name.
“What's the shock there? That it took so long to see her?”
“Nah man, she's like out to here right now.” He holds his hands out from his stomach then, and every ounce of blood in my body seems to pack up and leave all at once with the implication.
“She's pregnant?” The words tumbled out of my mouth in disbelief.
“Apparently. Must be that dude's I told you about. They were inseparable for a while.”
I might just throw up on Andy, and I think he can sense it because he takes a couple steps back and gives me a hard look. “You all right man? I know you guys were close for a long while, but no one has ever said what happened between you. Hell, people are saying you guys were never actually dating last year since it was so short lived. I guess the romance finally ruined the friendship, huh?”
I need for him to just shut up. There's this weird static building in my ears though, and as it grows louder whatever he's saying is lost on me. My feet are moving me along before I even realize I've stumbled away from Andy and am heading back to my Jeep. I'm aware that he called out to me for a while, asking if I was okay. There were people around watching me go, but I took notice of none of them.
Two words kept running through my head. “Sasha's pregnant.” I am the one who is supposed to give her babies. Just me. I was her first, and I was supposed to be her last, her only. Now she's having a baby with some random dude she met after I took off like an idiot to save my family? I guess everyone, but my mom, was right. It's best that I stayed away from her. My heart hurts like it has never hurt before.
~*~
I spent the rest of the day drowning my sorrows in a bottle. I also didn't bother responding to anyone about anything, which is how it came to be that Jenn tracked me down at the house. “He's in his room,” I heard my mother say politely.
“Okay, well, I just wanted to check on him since he wasn't answering his phone.”
“Sometimes, people just don't want to talk.”
“Well, I know you don't like me, but he does talk to me,” Jenn snapped at my mother.
“You know what?” My mom snapped back. “I'm going to just let him handle this. Feel free to go find him, and he can send you on the way himself.”
I didn't send her on the way though. Jenn was just what I needed right then. We hadn't had sex yet. We'd done pretty much everything else, but something - the ghost of her - was always holding me back. Anger bubbled up under the surface again when I thought of Sasha with someone else. Her growing round with someone else's baby inside her. Sure, we were 19 and I wasn't ready to be a dad yet, but that was supposed to be my baby. She was supposed to have my kids - with me.
The door opened and Jenn stepped inside and took one look at the mess I'd become. “What in the world happened to you today?”
“Bad day, want to make it better?” I grumbled out to her.
“That's why I'm here,” she offered sweetly as she stepped closer.
As soon as she was in range I grabbed hold of her and pulled her down on my bed with me. She didn't offer up any protest, and before long I managed to get both of us naked. I was just about to plunge into her when she stopped me and reached for her purse. She took a condom out and handed it to me. I promptly did my thing with it and then waited no further. I sunk into her depths, and even though it felt wrong beyond belief I just kept pounding away my frustrations with her. We went at it until I was empty, and then I rolled off of her, disposed of the condom, and told her I wanted to be alone. Yeah, I was that asshole.
“That is so not the way I wanted our first time together to go,” Jenn huffed out on a sniffle. Damn, I think she might have been crying.
“You shouldn't have come. It was a bad day.”
She made some indignant noise that was half scoff and huff. “You just made that painfully clear, and I'm still going to forgive you after you pull your shit together and come apologize to me later. I get that you're having a ridiculously shitty day, but I'm the one who was here for you. I came over because I knew something was wrong, and you treated me like shit anyway.”
In my fucked up, inebriated head, I was hearing Sasha chastise me like she did outside her apartment that day Mason pointed out what a dick I had been to her. In my drunken mess of a brain I just started chanting, “sorry,” over and over again while the girl beside me cooed and shushed my painful memories away. At least she tried until I finally passed out.
Oct. 3 -
I finally pulled my head out of my ass long enough to go apologize to Jenn. She wasn't wrong when she'd sat there and told me that she was the one who was there for me despite my ridiculous moods and hot and cold moments with her. I owed her a little more than an angry fuck and a dismissal.
I went to see her at the apartment, but the girls there told me she was at work. I'm ashamed to say that Sasha popped up in my mind then, and I wondered what I would do to apologize for her. Lilies. That's what I would have done. I would get her lilies. I could not do that for Jenn though. I went to the florist a couple blocks down and searched for something that might say I'm sorry.
“What's the occasion?” The old man behind the counter was asking me as I touched my finger to a white lily with purple tips.
“I need a really good apology,” I offered up with a fake grin.
“Ah, we've all been there, son. Those lilies are perfect for the occasion.” He went to reach for them, and I stopped his hand. “Not these. It has to be something else. Anything else. Not lilies though.”
“Oh, I'm sorry. I thought,” he waved it off then. “No matter, tell me about this person you're apologizing to. Does she have a bubbly personality? Quiet? It helps to know what flowers will work for her.”
“I'd say she's one of the people full of bouncy energy, but not in the bubbly way. Just intense.”
“Maybe a colorful bouquet of daisies then? You could do roses, but only if the feelings go with the apology. Women tend to read a lot into roses,” he winked at me.
“Not roses either then. The daisies are fine. She's a colorful person. It fits.”
“What would you like the card to say?”
“Sorry I was a jerk, forgive me? Kade.” I dictated to him.
“I guess that covers it,” the old man laughed out. Where can I deliver these, and when?
“She's working right now over at the diner on Clove St.” It's the only diner on that street so he'd have no problem finding it. “It's for a waitress there named Jenn.”
“Okay, son. I got it. I'll have these over there within the hour.
“Thanks.” I left the florist and just walked around downtown for a while lost in my thoughts. I needed to get a grip and move on. While I still didn't see a future of any kind with Jenn, I was going to try to stick it out and see where it went with her. I needed something normal, someone who was there for me. I needed something to make me forget about Sasha and the fact that she was having someone else's baby.
Chapter Seventeen
~Sasha~
Oct. 29 - “What can I get you today, honey?” Bernadette asked as I sat in my usual spot in the diner.
“The usual, I guess.” My a
ppointment today had gone well, but I was in a complete funk. It was the first appointment I went to that no one was able to show up for. I don' think any of them knew I didn't have anyone else who could go. If they did I'm sure Kristin would have ditched class, my mom would have left work, and Brad probably would have skipped practice. Instead, I sucked it up and went alone. Besides, I had been trying to put space between Brad and I. He hadn't really followed through too well with the go out and live and be a college student speech I'd given him.
There's nothing wrong with being alone. At least, not until you start thinking about how eventually you'll be raising a baby on your own. Sure, people will be there to step in and help or whatever. Essentially though, I'm on my own. It probably wasn't helping my mood any that I hadn't been sleeping well. I just couldn't get comfortable.
“You look tired, sweetheart.” Bernadette smiled down at me as she said this when she delivered my chocolate shake.
“I am so tired,” I agreed.
“Can't get comfortable, huh?” Bernadette slipped in the booth on the opposite side of me and took hold of my hand. “When I was pregnant with my Ashlyn, I thought I'd never rest again. What you need is one of those body pillows tucked up on either side of you. Sleep on your left side too; it's best for your breathing and digestion, you know. Anyway, tuck a body pillow on each side. It's almost like there's someone snuggling up next to you.” Her knowing smile was a thing of beauty. “When my Henry was gone during the pregnancy, it was harder to sleep than usual, but the pillows helped.”
With that she stood back up. “I better go get another pot of coffee brewing fresh. I see Mr. Tarkington on his way in. That man will not accept coffee from a pot he hasn't seen percolating with his own eyes.” She rolled her own eyes at that and walked away. Bernadette always managed to get me to smile when I came in these days. Although, my visits had become few and far between. The bigger I got, the harder it was to waddle around, and just going to classes and back home had become a chore that tired me out. Ironic because when I tried to rest I couldn't sleep.
I tucked in to start writing in my journal.
Dear Lily,
I just got back from listening to your heartbeat at the doctor's office. It's a weird experience to have someone pull out a tape and start measuring your belly and poking around, but you managed to make it more exciting when you kicked out at my belly and we actually saw the imprint of your foot. I touched your foot through my belly, and started bawling like a baby myself.
That was one of the most amazing experiences of my life so far. My only regret is that I was there in that office alone with no one, but the doctor to witness it. Sure, I like my doctor, and a long time ago she used to be my mom's friend in school or whatever, but she isn't really anyone to me. Not someone I want to share those special moments with, you know? I thought of your dad today. I wondered what he would say, or how his face would look if he had been there to see your cute little footprint.
I miss him so damn much. It kills me inside to know that he's not here for all of this. He should be here. Even if he doesn't want anything to do with me, Kade should be here to have these memories of you. It makes me equally angry and terribly depressed that I can't get my wish. I am making a promise to you though. As soon as you are born, I will find him. I've all ready checked into a couple different private investigators, but they told me I'd do better starting with an outfit in Vegas since I think that's where he is. The last guy I talked to, David informed me that he would either have hellacious travel expenses or he would have to hire out help there anyway, which would only increase my costs. He's checking to find the most reputable guy out there.
I won't stop looking until I find him. I only wish I had tried sooner, and that's on me, because I was too scared to face the heartbreak. Honestly, I'm not sure I could have survived coming face to face with him only to have him tell me he doesn't want me, or us. I could maybe handle him rejecting me, but what if he says he doesn't want you either? I guess that is my biggest fear. I don't think he'd do it, but I didn't think he'd walk away, move across country, and never speak to me again either. So, what do I really know? I know I still love him and it would break me to feel that. I can't do it while I'm pregnant. I can't put that on you. So I'm waiting until
~*~
The bell over the diner door tinkled signaling someone had entered. My food was all ready sitting in front of me then, but when I looked up I was met with complete and total devastation. The nosey waitress that I'd been avoiding was there, laughing. That wasn't the disturbing part. No, that would be the fact that she was wrapped in the arms of the one person I wasn't sure I would ever see again. There he was laughing with his arms around someone else.
My stomach started pitching and rolling. My entire body heated up, and it was all I could do to grab my bag, stuff my journal in the top and haul ass out of my booth. I don't even think I left money behind. I'd have to call and tell Bernadette I'd bring it by later. I moved my hair so it showered down, hiding my face, and I was just pushing past the happy couple when someone bumped into me, knocking me down.
I could smell him. His scent, it was so clear, spicy fragrance of his favorite body wash and something that was pure him. He was reaching down to help me up. My hair was curtained over my face as I saw the hand he offered come into view. I could have sworn I heard the waitress saying, “oh no.” But just then, he spoke, his voice crashing over me with its velvety smoothness. “I'm so sorry, I didn't mean…” My head had snapped up at the apology for knocking me down flew from his mouth. “Sasha?” His hazel eyes found mine, the gold flecks in them shining through the otherwise green expanse. My heart stopped beating for a moment and my stomach lurched.
The next couple moments of my life are not ones I would look back on with pride, but there he was standing over me seeming shell-shocked with his girlfriend now draping herself over his shoulders, glaring at me.
I stood up awkwardly as my belly tried to hold me down. Thank you gravity for that unseemly delay. Then I did what any self-respecting coward would do. I ran out of the diner as fast as my pregnant, waddling butt would allow me. For once, luck was on my side and a student was hopping out of a cab in front of the diner. I climbed in immediately yelling for the driver to go. He did, and it took a solid three minutes of him driving in the wrong direction with a panic stricken face for me to finally give him my address. We had been heading to the hospital before I did that. I suppose I would have drawn that conclusion to if I were the driver.
Chapter Eighteen
~Kade~
Oct. 29 - “I can't believe you have no clue where you left your purse?” Jenn was a flighty mess today, and I didn't know why. We had all ready had to put our date on hold to go back to her apartment, then to her last class in school, and finally we decided to try the diner to see if she left it when she dropped something off this morning.
“Yeah, well, if you'd stop distracting me, maybe I could think things through.” She giggled as I wrapped my hands around her and started tickling each side of her ribs as we walked into the diner. Ms. Bernadette looked up at us and laughed at our antics. Jenn and I still weren't anything solid, but I had been trying harder for both of our sakes.
Jenn was saying something to Bernadette that I didn't quite hear, but then she bumped her hips back into my groin. Her throwing her hips into my pelvic area wasn't the greatest idea, because it hurt, and caused me to jump back. That was the beginning of the craziest domino effect I'd ever experienced, because it just so happens someone had been walking behind me at that moment, and I ended up knocking them down.
“I'm so sorry, I didn't mean…” I started to say as I offered the woman a hand up. The very pregnant woman, from the looks of her. I felt truly terrible then, because what if I hurt her or her baby? Then her head snapped up, and familiar warm caramel colored eyes that were glazed with moisture were searching my own. “Sasha?”
She didn't speak, just moved her eyes from me to the woman who was now peering over m
y shoulder, and holding onto me with a desperation I didn't understand. I did comprehend the look in Sasha's eyes though, betrayal. Not that I understood how she could feel that way considering she was knocked up by some other dude.
As she stood, and literally ran out of the diner something struck me as odd about her though. She was far too pregnant. So pregnant that it could be… “Oh God!” When realization dawned on me I went to run after her, but tripped on something that was on the floor. She'd dropped a book, a journal from the looks of it, and I picked it up before hauling ass out the door after her. I saw her hop in a cab, closing the door and taking off before I could even get her name out of my mouth again. “Sasha?” I called out anyway. So close. So fucking close to her, and now I had to wonder if anything I'd been told by a single person, if anything I'd thought, was the truth ever was.
“Here, I'll just toss this.” Jenn said as she tried tugging Sasha's journal from my hands.
“What? No!” I yelled at her. “Why the hell would you want to toss it?”
“She's just some poor pregnant sap who writes letters to her baby all the time.”
“How do you know?” I questioned as I opened the journal to the first page to see my name there. It was a letter to me. I glanced up and saw Jenn visibly pale, and the look of guilt on her face had a sick feeling bubbling up in my stomach. “That was Sasha. My Sasha,” I stated as I watched her flinch and move back from me. Bernadette was outside now asking if everyone was all right.
“That poor girl, I don't know what spooked her, but she ran out of here without eating or paying. I hope she didn't go into labor early.”
“Go into labor early? How far along is she?”
“She said her due date was in early December sometime.” I started doing quick math in my head. No. God no.
“December? You're sure?”
“I'm positive. That sweet girl is in here a few times a week and we've been talking. I was just telling her this trick you can do with pillows to help sleep better.”
Letters to Lily (Letters to... #1) Page 17