He thought about her all the way uptown, wishing he were young again and free. Taylor had appeared in his life twenty years too late. He had been married for nineteen. And twenty years before, she had been eight years old. It was a cruel twist of fate. And when he walked into the house, all the lights were turned off. Amanda was in bed, and sound asleep. There was no note, she didn’t stir, there was no apology, and she hadn’t waited up for him.
Phillip took his clothes off and carefully put the slip of paper with Taylor’s number in his wallet. He knew he wouldn’t call her, but just seeing it there would remind him of the sweet girl he had talked to that night, the fourth-grade teacher from Milwaukee who was going to work in Harlem in two weeks. He felt a lump in his throat, as he took off his clothes and got into bed next to Amanda. She no longer felt like a woman to him, just a judge and the person he lived with who thought he had no balls. He tried to push Taylor from his mind, and finally went to sleep.
Chapter 16
The next morning when they got up, Amanda acted as though nothing had happened. She didn’t ask Phillip where he’d gone, or what he’d done. She appeared as though everything was normal, and talked endlessly about the party she wanted to give for her induction. And before that, she wanted to give a Labor Day party in the Hamptons for some important people. It was obvious that she was shifting gears and preparing to enter a whole new world. Clearly, she felt truly important and she expected him to go along with her and do the things she thought necessary to showcase her new status. She told him there would be a printed notice of her appointment in The New York Times on Sunday.
“And don’t forget to buy a new suit for my induction,” she reminded him as they both left for work. She had a lot to do at the office. She had to hand off all her cases to her partners before she left. She acted now as though Phillip’s life were insignificant and the only one that counted was hers. “You should let your mother know,” she said as they left the house. “She may want to give me a party too.” Amanda expected to be celebrated by everyone she knew, and although she wasn’t fond of her mother-in-law, she thought that a party hosted by her would be fitting and attract some important people. Amanda was now the new homecoming queen, and Phillip was her slave. As far as she was concerned, she had one-upped the Graysons in a major way. Phillip found her arrogance unattractive and didn’t tell her that he and his mother weren’t on speaking terms at the moment. The last thing he wanted to do, given her affair with Peter Williams and how he felt about it, was ask her to give Amanda a party. It would just have to wait.
When he got to his office, he went through his messages and e-mails, and he could feel his wallet burning a hole in his back pocket. He knew what was in there and how he felt about it. He finally took it out and looked at the slip of paper Taylor had given him. Her handwriting was bold and clear, and it was easy to read the number. He had no intention of calling her, and didn’t know what he would have said if he did, but he couldn’t help himself. It was an impulse that was stronger than he was. He called her number and heard it ringing. He wanted to hang up but couldn’t. And he had no idea what to say. She answered on the third ring.
“Taylor?” His voice was barely more than a whisper.
“Yes?” She obviously had no idea who it was, but she sounded as innocent and open as the night before. He could still see her smiling at the table next to his at the café downtown. She looked as bright and new as spring.
“Hi. It’s Phillip Grayson,” he said, feeling stupid. Then what? Now what was he going to do? “I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed meeting you last night.” He hadn’t done this in twenty years. “I just thought I’d say hello.”
“Well, hello,” she said, with a smile in her voice. “I enjoyed it too. I was just opening all my boxes. I’ve got books stacked up to the ceiling. I think I’m going to have to go to The Factory and buy a bookcase.” She was laughing, and he could just see her, surrounded by books.
“Maybe we could go together,” he suggested, and then felt stupid again. That was all he needed, to show up at one of their stores with a pretty young woman. Everyone there knew who he was. “Actually, I was wondering if you’d like to have lunch with me today. Does that work for you?” She didn’t hesitate for an instant, which told him that she didn’t mind how old he was. But she still didn’t know he was married.
“That sounds great. Where would you like to meet?”
He suggested a restaurant in the West Village, and they agreed to meet at one o’clock. She sounded bouncy and young and alive, and he felt like an idiot when he hung up. What in God’s name was he doing? He had no idea. He had never done anything like it before, but he felt as though a force more powerful than he was making him do it. He had to see her again.
After that, he asked his secretary to find him their current catalog. He wanted to take it to lunch with him. He was going to help her pick out a bookcase and have it sent to her. He felt protective of her, and he wanted to make life easier for her. She brought out his best instincts. And it was such a small thing to do. His secretary had the catalog on his desk a few minutes later. And he arrived ten minutes early for lunch.
She was wearing a pink cotton skirt when she walked into the restaurant, with a white blouse, and her shining hair cascaded past her shoulders. She looked like a shampoo ad, and she was wearing the same sandals she’d worn the night before. It was hot outside, and she looked crisp and immaculate as she walked across the restaurant toward him with a smile.
“Thank you for coming,” he said as he stood up, and she sat across from him in the booth.
“I’m happy to get out of the mess in my house,” she said brightly, and he remembered the catalog then and handed it to her.
“I thought we could pick a bookcase for you, if you know what size you want. It’s a lot easier than going to the store. I can have it delivered to you.” She looked first surprised and then pleased. He was being so nice to her, and she looked up at him with a shy smile.
“Will you get in trouble for this?” she asked him kindly, and he laughed. She was so innocent and young and looked so concerned. “I want to pay for it, of course.” She didn’t want to take advantage of him.
“No, I won’t get in trouble. It’s not a big deal, I promise. And I get a big discount. I’d like to give it to you as a gift, if you’ll let me.” She felt awkward about it, but she didn’t want to hurt his feelings.
“Well, it’s a big gift to me,” she said gratefully, as she looked through the catalog and found one that was exactly the right size and showed him. It cost ninety-nine dollars, and he was sure he could have it for her by that afternoon. They marked the page, and then they ordered lunch. She asked for a salad again, and this time so did he. And when it came, he couldn’t eat. He just wanted to talk to her. He was nervous. His palms were sweating, and by the end of lunch, he knew he had to level with her.
“Taylor,” he said, when the waitress poured them both iced coffee, “I want to be honest with you. I think you’re the most amazing young woman I’ve ever met. And I have no idea what I’m doing here. I just knew I had to see you today. You knocked me flat on my ass last night.” It was the most honest he’d ever been, and she looked touched.
“I did? I don’t know how, I didn’t do anything.”
“Yes, you did. You’re like a breath of fresh air in my life. I’m old enough to be your father, but I feel like a kid with you. Everything about you is so decent and wholesome and alive. I suddenly realize I’ve been dead for twenty years. But there’s something I have to tell you. I have no idea what it means to us, if anything. Or where we go from here, if we do. I’m married. I have been for nineteen years. We have no kids. My wife didn’t want any. She’s an attorney. She’s an extremely bright woman, I’ve always respected her. I’ve never cheated on her, and I don’t think I’ve been honest with myself about our relationship until recently.
“I don’t love her, I don’t even like her. I hate to admit it, but it’s true, an
d I’m not sure she’s in love with me. I can’t live that way. I haven’t said anything to her, or done anything about it, and I don’t know if I will. And then you walked into my life yesterday. I saw you at the café, and all I want to do now is see you again. But I don’t want to get either of us tangled up in a bad situation. Do you suppose we could just meet for lunch for a while or have coffee until I figure out what I’m doing? I promise you, if I’m going to stay where I am, I won’t see you again. I just don’t know. It’s as honest as I can be with you right now.”
Taylor thought about it for a long moment and nodded. She didn’t want to get into a bad situation either. She had never dated a married man, and she didn’t want to start now. She liked him, but she had thought he was free. At least he had told her the truth. She respected him for it, and she knew it couldn’t have been easy to say.
“I guess that would be okay, if we just do lunch and dinner. I like you,” she said sincerely, “I think you’re a nice man. And no one should be with someone who doesn’t love them. You deserve as much happiness as anyone else.”
“So do you,” he said gently and took her hand in his own. “I promise I’ll figure this out as soon as I can. Maybe nothing will ever happen with us, but I’m grateful just to know you.”
She beamed when he said it. “Me too. And maybe we can just be friends.” Phillip didn’t say it, but that wasn’t how he felt about her. He wanted to make love to her and hold her in his arms. He had never felt about Amanda as he did about this girl. He felt as though he’d been hit by a bolt of lightning the night before.
“I give you my word, Taylor, I’m not going to drag you into a mess. If it’s going to be a mess, I’ll disappear.” She looked sad when he said it, and he brought her fingers to his lips then. “I’m not going anywhere,” he reassured her, “except with you.” He had the strange feeling that Providence had dropped an enormous gift in his lap, and he didn’t want to lose it. He felt like this was meant to be. He paid the check when they were finished, and then looked at her with deep affection. “When am I going to see you again?”
“I don’t know.” She was feeling a little overwhelmed. He was a powerful person, and this was a lot to digest. She would have liked to tell her sister about it, but she wouldn’t approve. A married man? No way. Even just as friends. But she could tell that Phillip wanted to be more than just friends with her, and she was attracted to him. He was a very handsome man, even if he was a little square. But she liked men who looked like him. Her brother was cut from the same cloth, and was a banker in Milwaukee, with a wife and three kids, and he was ten years younger than Phillip. Her sister was forty-three, and had four kids.
“How about lunch tomorrow?” Phillip asked her as they left the restaurant, and she looked up at him with a rueful expression. “Is that too soon?”
“Yes … no,” she corrected. “I don’t know.” He was so comfortable to be with, and so protective, that she was already falling for him, and they had only just met. This was crazy, for both of them. And even more so for him. He had a wife. He didn’t seem married to her, but he was. At least he didn’t have kids. She didn’t want to be a home wrecker, but in a way she was anyway. She felt guilty and happy and excited all at once. And it was hard to resist the attention he lavished on her. He had sworn to her he had never done this before, and neither had she. She had had a boyfriend for four years in college and grad school, and they had broken up the year before. She hadn’t met anyone she cared about since.
And then he remembered something else. “What’s your address?”
“You’re coming to my house?” she asked, looking nervous, and he laughed as he put an arm around her shoulders. He would have liked to, but he knew it would be the end of his good intentions, if he did.
“No, silly. I want to send you the bookcase.” She laughed too and jotted it down for him. “I’ll see what I can do, if we have it in stock.” If they did, he was going to get a private delivery van to bring it to her. It was all he could do, a small gesture, to give her something she needed, to make her happy.
“Thank you,” she said simply.
He looked at his watch then and realized he was half an hour late for a meeting. “Lunch tomorrow?”
“I—uh—yes!” she blurted out. She wanted to see him too.
“Café Cluny,” he said quickly before she could change her mind, and kissed her lightly on the lips. He hailed a cab, which came to a screeching halt beside them, and he opened the door and got in. He was smiling at her, and she looked dazed. “See you tomorrow, one o’clock,” he called out the window, and she waved. He called the warehouse on the drive uptown. They had the bookcase. Then he called his secretary, told her to get a delivery truck, and gave her Taylor’s address. It was all taken care of in less than five minutes, and then he called her and told her about the delivery, so she could be there. “I’m sorry I was so rushed. I was late for a meeting. Thank you for meeting me for lunch. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I think you’re the most wonderful woman I’ve ever met.”
“You don’t even know me yet,” she said, sounding confused.
“I hope I will,” he said, and meant it. “See you tomorrow, Taylor.”
He rushed into the building, and slid into the meeting nearly an hour late. His brother, John, was at the conference table, but his mother wasn’t. It was a finance and design meeting, about production costs, and she wasn’t expected to attend. When they left, his brother looked at him strangely.
“Are you okay? You look weird.”
“I am weird,” he said vaguely. “Amanda got appointed to the federal bench yesterday. She’s reorganizing the world.”
“Have you calmed down about Mom?”
“Maybe. I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it.” But in light of what he was doing with Taylor, or might be doing, or could do, and wanted to do, his objections to Peter Williams seemed strange even to him. Maybe this was how those things happened. He hadn’t allowed himself to think about it yet. But at least he hadn’t slept with her. And he wasn’t going to until he worked this out in his head.
And when he got home that night, Amanda was making lists. For parties, for social events she wanted to attend, committees she thought she should join, things she wanted him to do.
“Did you tell your mother?” she asked as she looked up from what she was writing.
He shook his head. “I didn’t see her today.”
“You could have called her.” As far as Amanda was concerned, this was big news, and the whole world was supposed to celebrate her. She had told her partners and everyone she knew with an e-mail blast.
“I have no idea where she was,” Phillip said honestly. And with that, she handed him a list of everything he was supposed to buy, sign up for, and do. It was quite a list. He felt like he had enlisted in the marines.
He opened a bottle of champagne for her then, because he felt guilty about his lunch with Taylor. Amanda didn’t know, but he did. He handed her a glass of champagne, and she looked pleased.
“Thank you, Phillip.” He toasted her, and tried to force Taylor from his head. The image of her refused to move.
“So where did you go last night?” she finally asked him. She didn’t apologize for her comments. All she wanted to know was where he went.
“I walked all the way down to the Village, had a burger, and took a cab back.” It was true. What he didn’t tell her was that he had met the most enchanting girl he’d ever seen.
“Sorry if I pissed you off,” Amanda conceded, “but it’s true. It would look a lot better for me, and my status, if your mother made you CEO. I’d like you to ask her to do that,” Amanda said simply. She saw no reason why Olivia wouldn’t step down in order to further her daughter-in-law’s career. She saw it less as an important step for Phillip than as an accessory for her, but of course it would benefit him too. It was a win-win for them, and Olivia was of retirement age after all.
“Why don’t you ask her yourself?” he said c
oolly. “I’m sure she’d be interested to hear your ideas.”
“I think the pressure should come from you. Maybe you should threaten to quit.”
“And then what? What if she lets me? We turn the whole company upside down so you can say you’re married to a CEO? What if she fires me? Then your husband would be unemployed. That might look worse.” He was only half-joking.
“She’s not going to let you quit, Phillip. You’re her son.”
“And my mother is not going to relinquish her seat as CEO, even for you. And I’ve told you, I don’t want her job. Mine is tough enough. Hers is a lot worse. I’m in no hurry to step into her shoes, even if you think that means I have no balls. She carries more responsibility than anyone I know, in any corporation, and she does it pretty damned well. I’m not sure I could do her job. In fact, I’m sure I can’t. So that’s a problem for you. If you stick with me, all you get is a CFO. I guess that’s bad news for you.” He was being a lot tougher than he had been with her before, and he knew it was time. She had been insulting enough.
“I didn’t realize you were giving me an option clause. ‘If I stick with you.’ Is that a message, Phillip?” Her eyes narrowed as she asked.
“You always have that choice,” he said clearly.
“Is that a threat?”
“No, but I’m not going to have my life, wardrobe, and career remodeled to suit you, because you just became a judge.”
“It’s a pretty big deal,” she reminded him with a surly tone.
“Yes, it is. And I’m proud of you. But I’m not going to pay for your induction with my balls, as you put it. They belong to me, not to you. They’re not part of the deal.”
“Then what is? Are you willing to use some of the Grayson money to make contributions for me, that would help my career? That’s the least you could do, if you’re not willing to ask your mother for a better job.”
The Sins of the Mother Page 21