“To thank him?”
“To tell him I won’t be home today. I forgot to tell him.”
Margarida groaned. “You didn’t tell Josh you’re starting a new job?”
“It wasn’t on purpose. I wanted to tell him but…other things happened.” Her voice took on a wistful tone.
“Huh huh. I can tell. Okay, fine. At what time will you be done with your shift?”
“I’m not sure. They’re training me in these first few days.” Sofia gave the clock an urgent glance. “I’ll message you later.”
“I’ll be waiting.”
After she hung up, Sofia blew out a long breath, summoning the courage to deal with Josh. He’d sent her a message earlier, asking to meet with her but she hadn’t replied.
Josh, I can’t meet with you today.
His reply was immediate. Is something the matter? I’d really like to see you.
I’m starting my new job.
What new job? You didn’t say anything.
I’m sorry. I was distracted. By him, she wanted to add. I’m waitressing at a downtown café.
He didn’t reply right away. Is this what you want?
This is what I need right now. I’m sorry, Josh, but I really have to go.
Okay, I’ll call you later.
Sofia pocketed the phone and walked to the foyer, not knowing if she should feel relieved or concerned after her exchange with Josh. But it would have to wait.
*
Josh looked at the screen on his cell phone one more time before tossing it on the bed. Sofia was starting a new job and she hadn’t told him.
He stood and opened the sliding door to the balcony. The morning air hit him and he inhaled deeply. Somewhere not too far, a church bell pealed and a flock of pigeons flew over the terracotta roof tiles, still dark and wet from the early dew. Josh braced his hands against the railing as the memories of the night before washed over him.
That kiss.
Somehow he’d known that kissing Sofia would change everything. How many times had he told himself not to do it? Too many to count. He’d talked himself out of it over and over again, but in the end none of the reasons mattered, and the moment his lips touched hers, he was completely lost to her. He had underestimated his physical attraction for her and just the memory of that kiss roiled the feelings inside him. Indeed it was a magical evening in the secret garden, as Sofia had called it, an evening he would never forget.
He wanted to see Sofia. He wanted to talk to her, touch her, spend time with her. Maybe it was better that he had to wait, forcing him to cool down and simmer some patience. This morning he was going back to the Solaris mansion for a tour of the place and to discuss the job. Sitting and waiting for things to happen was not his style, and rushing something that couldn’t be rushed never turned out well. There must be balance, moderation in all things. And working to pass the time was the only solution that made any sense at the moment.
Later in the day, Josh finished processing the latest batch of images, and scheduled a blog post for the next morning. It had been a productive day. He’d signed on to take the Solaris job and had run the preliminary visualization sketches for approval. Then he walked around a new area in the city, close to the housing projects, the bairro social, for low-income tenants. There he’d met a family with three young children, and now that his Portuguese was much better, they’d trusted him to tell their story. He was going back tomorrow for more images and interviews.
Josh was successful in keeping Sofia in the back of his mind for most of the day. Sometimes he’d thought of how she was doing, hoping the new job was going well for her. But with his work done and put away until the next morning, something inside him clamored for her, and the need to be with her rekindled anew, refusing to be ignored.
He reached for the phone and sent Sofia a message. Are you home yet?
Yes.
Can I come over, please?
For a little bit.
I’ll be quick, I promise.
Okay.
By the time Sofia opened her door to Josh, the relief of seeing her after a day of built-up anticipation filled him with a sort of gratitude he hadn’t felt in a long time. She brought a finger to her lips and he entered quietly.
He waited for her to lock the door behind them, not knowing how to greet her, but when Sofia turned around, they took a step closer to each other. The hesitation only lasted a second before she was in the circle of his arms, before he had a hand to her face and his mouth on hers.
Not quite a whole day apart, and they kissed like this. No words needed.
When the kiss took a more intimate direction, Josh placed his hands on her waist and stepped back. Sofia brought a hand up to her chest and breathed in steadily, then turned to the kitchen. Josh rubbed his temples and took a breath of his own before following her. He was in trouble, if he didn’t take care.
Was it always going to be like this? The depth, the passion, like a brand on his soul?
She was almost done drinking a tall glass of water when he leaned against the doorjamb. Sofia held up a glass to him. “Água?”
He needed some. “Sure. Thank you.”
Josh met her out on the balcony, and sat on the chair beside her. “How did your day go?”
She wore her hair in a low ponytail and also wore the old pair of navy sweatpants with a pink top. As beautiful as she had been in the dress of the day before, Josh loved to see her at home and casual, and looking so good in pink. It meant she was comfortable in his presence, and he liked that.
“It was crazy, but I’m hoping I’ll get better at it.” She rested against the back of her chair and stretched her legs.
“I thought you were going to try for that tutoring job.” Josh leaned towards her direction.
“That didn’t work out. This job pays more, plus it has tips and the potential for more hours.”
“When did you get it?”
She blew out a breath. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn’t hold it from you on purpose. I’ve just been so distracted with Mother’s problems and—” She stopped and looked straight at him.
And him. He was the distraction. Which led to what he wanted to talk about. Josh reached for her hand and took her fingers. “Sofia, I think we should talk about yesterday.” And a few minutes ago too, when they met in her foyer.
She didn’t remove her hand but he felt her withdraw behind a wall of uncertainty.
“Oh.”
Josh scooted his chair closer to hers and held both her hands, forcing her eyes up to him. The doubts were there, the same ones he had. Their past relationship histories had similarities, and some things were hard to get over. He struggled with what to say.
Why was it so hard to put feelings into words, the right words?
Sofia rose from the chair and strode to the far end of the balcony. She heaved a sigh laced with frustration, a feeling he was well acquainted with.
He came to stand at the railing and gave her space, even as the need to place his arms around her grew within him. Instead he shoved his hands in his pockets.
Sofia spoke before him. “If you’re going to ask me what I want, I can’t tell you because I don’t know.”
He shouldn’t have expected anything less than honesty from her.
“I don’t want you to feel pressured.” She had enough going on and Josh didn’t want to add to her problems. “I like you, Sofia. A lot.” There was more to it, but neither of them was ready to admit it, were they?
At last Sofia turned to him. “I like you too, Josh, but everything’s so complicated in my life right now, and I don’t know how to handle this”—her hand waved between the two of them—“whatever it is between us.” She swallowed. “Besides, there are differences—certain things lacking.”
“You mean the church.”
She grabbed his hand. “Yes, the church. It’s important to me.”
“I know.”
Her eyes pleaded with him. “We’re not on equal grou
nds, Josh, and it might be more than we can handle.”
Of course, he knew that already. But Josh didn’t want to think that far ahead; he only wanted to enjoy her company as much as possible. Was that too selfish?
Sofia continued. “Just like you said you don’t want to pressure me, I don’t want you to feel pressured about the church.” She rested her elbows on the railing and looked across the street and the night lights below. “But I don’t know if I can let go of that.”
Josh stepped closer until their arms touched. “Thank you for being honest. I really appreciate that.” She had no idea how much. It thrilled him that she had the courage to share her feelings and opinions while respecting his. He remembered well the price of an insincere relationship.
He reached a hand and caressed hers with the pad of his thumb. When she leaned ever so lightly into him, he raised his other arm around her shoulders and brought her to his side.
Her voice lowered to a whisper. “Please don’t kiss me.”
Had he heard her right? “I thought you liked it.” Maybe he was doing everything wrong. With his track record, it wouldn’t surprise him.
“I like it too much.” Even in the low light, the blush to her cheeks was visible.
“Oh Sofia.” If she only knew how much he liked it too. How could she say that and not expect him to kiss her? It was too much, all right.
Josh brought her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles first, then his arm tightened around her. Having her there, next to his heart, it was natural and right, like she belonged. She sighed, and he dropped a kiss on her forehead, near the hairline. That wonderful scent of hers reached him and he breathed in quickly. If that’s what she wanted, that’s what she’d get, even if he didn’t like it. “Are these kisses okay?”
She nodded, a faint smile on her lips and her brown eyes large and bright, perfectly reflecting the night sky. Josh swallowed the lump in his throat as the emotion overtook him. It took everything in him to keep from her how he really felt.
He was falling in love with her.
Josh refreshed his Internet browser one more time. Sometimes you couldn’t predict the way things turned out, especially on social media. Just two days ago he’d taken a picture of the Ferreira family, parents and three little girls under five years of age. The parents had told him how they’d moved from the countryside three weeks earlier, after a house fire had burned down all they owned. They’d lost their livelihood as well, and the father had been searching for a job since arriving in Braga.
Josh had posted a series of different images showing the parents alone and with the children, and the children playing on a scarce patch of grass in front of the run-down building. The last image showed the older girl holding a hand-me-down teddy bear with a missing eye, her serious face and large, sad eyes, with a line of caption quoting her simple words: I miss my dolly. He’d wrestled with the decision of making public such a private, emotional time in their lives. But the impression to go on had been strong enough that he’d yielded to it in the end.
Within minutes of publishing the image on his Facebook photography page, the response from public opinion was the most he’d ever seen for any of his images. And then the suggestions started coming in: Where can I donate? I want to donate, I want to help and Where is the donation page?
A donation page. The opportunity to do something for someone in need. It had never before occurred to Josh to use his photography in such a practical way but it felt right. He did some research and an hour later he’d opened an account on a crowdfunding website and set up a donation page to help the Ferreira family.
And now he sat and watched as the donations came in dollars and euros. It was amazing. Only two days old and the amount kept growing, the image had more and more shares, and the comments on it still came in.
He turned down the screen on the laptop and went out to the balcony. That feeling inside his chest—he knew it. It had been a while since he’d given himself the time and adequate pause to recognize the hand of God in his life. Moreover, the emotion that came when he let himself be an instrument of service, the pure joy from knowing someone could benefit when he was willing to work and humble himself. There was nothing quite like it.
For a few minutes, Josh stood there, overlooking the city that he’d grown to know and love again, so many years after his mission. The irregular skyline was familiar to him now, the name of every Catholic church and the outline of each bell tower. Only seven weeks since he’d arrived and everyday he found something new to do and prolong his stay, a new job or project to keep him busy.
But it wasn’t only the city, was it? This trip to Portugal had brought him many surprises, and one especially stood out from the rest. It would be hard to let go of Sofia when the time came.
When the cell phone rang, Josh startled. He returned to the room and answered it, after checking the caller ID. It was Paulo.
“Hello?”
“Olá para ti também,” Paulo said. “I’m going to the church to play some basketball. Do you want to meet me there?”
“You bet. Give me a few minutes.” That was just what he needed to let some steam off.
When he arrived at the church property, the lights shone in the parking lot and Paulo bounced a ball on the court. For a few minutes they took turns shooting hoops.
Paulo dribbled the ball before throwing it. “We’ve been following your latest project on Facebook.”
Josh caught it and bounced it around. “It’s crazy, huh?”
“If by crazy you mean good, then yes. Everybody we know is talking about it. Did you tell the family yet?”
“I met with them this afternoon.”
“What did they say?”
“They were overwhelmed. The father cried, the mother cried, the older girls cried.”
“And you cried,” Paulo said.
Josh chuckled. “Yeah, pretty much.”
They played for some minutes, then Paulo continued, “Well, Margarida and I think it’s great.”
Josh passed the ball. “I’m just glad I can use my work for something good, you know?”
“What did Sofia say about it?”
“I haven’t seen her in a few days.” Josh missed Sofia too much already.
“Yeah, she’s been too busy at the new job. Margarida is concerned about her.”
“Why? What’s going on?”
Paulo walked to the side of the court and got his water bottle. “Margarida thinks Sofia’s working too hard. She’s taking long shifts and then still has to take care of her mother when she gets home, and on her days off.”
Josh groaned. “Do they really not pay teachers enough? Why does she need a second job?”
“It’s a bit more complicated than that. She’s starting her doctorate degree in the fall and that doesn’t come cheap.”
“No, I’m guessing it doesn’t.” If only there was something Josh could do to help her. If she’d let him.
“Speaking of Sofia. Are you and her together or something?”
Josh glanced at Paulo. “Let’s just say it’s complicated. And getting more serious.”
“And that’s a good thing, right?”
“Definitely.” Josh let out a frustrated sigh. “But there’s a lot of things to consider and it’s not a situation where we can say Let’s date or Let’s be exclusive, or whatever you say around here.”
“Queres ser a minha namorada?” Paulo offered with a smile.
Josh cut him a glance. “Yeah, I can’t just go up to her and ask her if she wants to be my steady girlfriend.”
“Why not? She might surprise you.”
“I think I’m going to wait for her cues instead of jumping the gun.”
Paulo nodded. “Smart man. Always let the lady lead, unless it’s your turn to make a move.”
“Wish I knew.”
Paulo drained the bottle and stood. “Okay, I got to tell you something and I don’t want you to freak out. It’s about this dream I’ve been having.”
Josh stopped and looked at him. “Okay. What is it?” How bad was it that it came with a warning?
“I’ve dreamed about this a few times already. There’s a few variations but the theme is the same.” Paulo paused and threw the water bottle in the garbage. “In this dream, I’m called to be the bishop and you’re my first counselor.”
Josh frowned. “Well, we both know only half of that dream can come to pass.”
“I don’t know. Four times with the same dream is a little too much, don’t you think?”
“Maybe.” It was intriguing, to say the least. “Have you heard from the stake presidency?”
“No, nothing. But the current bishop is up to be released. He’s been in the position for over six years.”
“I wouldn’t worry about it unless you hear anything. ” Not the best kind of advice.
Paulo was quiet for a moment, then added, “Yeah, you’re probably right.”
Did recurring dreams really have the power to come true? Josh didn’t want to think about that.
They played for a few more minutes, focusing all the energy on the ball and the dribbling, and forgetting about everything else. After Josh said goodbye, he drove once around the city, taking the long way back to the hotel, thinking of dreams and what they meant in his life.
Josh walked into the room and dropped his keys on the desk. After a quick shower, he changed into old sweatpants, the only pair he’d brought with him. They reminded him of Sofia’s own pair in a similar color. Every little excuse brought her to his mind.
She was in his thoughts all the time nowadays, and he worried about her, how she was doing. Sofia’s independence was strong and while he appreciated that, he hoped she’d understand it was okay to take help from a friend. What kind of help, he still didn’t know. It was a delicate situation. But that’s what friends were for, to help each other. Besides, Sofia had been the one to say friends stayed in each other’s business, right? She couldn’t say no to that.
*
Before Sofia worked the afternoon shift, Margarida stopped by for a quick visit in the morning. She set the baby down on the rug in front of some soft toys while Sofia pinned clothes on the line to dry.
The Secret Life of Daydreams Page 16