When Nathan assured her that his betrayal had happened only the once, she believed him. And, though he never tried to put the blame on Tanya, Sarah never doubted that it been she who made all the running.
In retrospect, she found it hard to feel bitterness towards Tanya. The girl had always been besotted with Nathan. All her life, she’d been brought up by both her mother and his to assume that her place would be by his side. Even after Nathan and Sarah were married, when they met at some family get-together, Tanya would be there at his elbow with those enormous Princess Diana eyes gazing up into his, giving her shy, beguiling smile. There was no doubt that she wanted to be queen of his heart!
It never occurred to Sarah, even at the time, that Nathan had deliberately planned to be unfaithful. If she was honest, she could see how it all happened. She had been preoccupied with her new job and then abandoned him for a four-week course up north leaving him feeling lonely and neglected. The whole sorry mess had probably started as a pleasant meal with an old friend, then coffee at Tanya’s place when he took her home, another brandy, seductive background music and easy conversation by the warm glow of the fire.
What had added to all the pain was the way Sarah had found out. After that fateful evening, Tanya, no doubt believing that she had at long last won the man of her dreams, confessed as much to her mother. It was a matter of hours before the good news was passed on to her dearest friend, Sarah’s mother-in-law, Geraldine. Perhaps, if it had not been dear Geraldine who had accidentally on purpose let it slip, Sarah would have come round to forgiving him. Perhaps not. She was a product of her upbringing.
Sarah knew that in some quarters, she had the reputation for being hard and without feeling, but she had never worn her heart on her sleeve. Friends and family only saw an unforgiving woman, the perfectionist, who would not tolerate a single meaningless mistake. What they did not understand, and she could not explain, was the depth of pain that betrayal had caused. Sarah knew that Nathan had a string of affairs before they were married. At university, women lined up for the chance of getting into his bed. It may have been her religious upbringing or perhaps her naïve, romanticised view of love and marriage, but Sarah had lost something precious that she could never have again.
Nathan was the only man – the only real boyfriend – she had ever had. At her all-girls’ secondary school, she’d been too busy studying and in the wild, heady days as an undergraduate, she’d done all her socialising within a group. Naturally, there’d been the odd date, but she’d never been out with the same bloke more than two or three times – not wanting to get involved.
Nathan’s interest in pursuing their friendship came as a great surprise to her as much as to everyone else. Sarah still found it amazing that the man who could have any girl on the campus had eyes for her. Nathan had the stature of a Greek god with broad shoulders, narrow hips, breath-taking good-looks plus great wit; and what was more he was always the life and soul of any gathering. She, on the other hand, was the archetypal ordinary girl – average height, mid-brown hair and eyes, a reasonable figure and if not exactly plain, nothing special either and, in those days, she wore glasses. None of that would matter, of course, if she had a sparkling personality, but she’d always been the serious, retiring type with no small talk whatsoever. Her only claim to fame was what the Deputy Head at her Convent school had called a first-rate brain.
Her relationship with Nathan had developed against all the odds. She could imagine his crowd asking what he saw in the pathetic mouse so much older than him. Sarah heard on the grapevine that they’d nicknamed her Anne Boleyn because she tantalised him by holding him at bay – the only woman who refused to jump straight into his bed. Later, his mother moved Heaven and earth to keep them apart. It took a long time for Nathan to persuade Sarah that there was a future for them both. That single night with Tanya, which others saw as a small indiscretion, had destroyed the world that she had stepped into so tentatively.
If only, if only! There was no point in going over it all again.
She had expected that, when he eventually accepted that the marriage was over, he would ask for a divorce. It had not happened. When Tanya realised, even after the separation was final, that Nathan was never going to marry her, she decided to cut her losses. She found herself a new man and, to the best of Sarah’s knowledge, was now living happily somewhere in the Midlands and by now was probably a proud, adoring mum.
It was foolish to think that Nathan would wait around forever in the hope that she would change her mind. She had no idea who his latest girlfriend was. Though mutual friends let her know what he was up to every now and again, they tactfully kept that little snippet of information from her.
It must have been her generally depressed state that made the prospect of taking that final irrevocable step fill her with such emptiness. What right had she to deny Nathan happiness when she’d been the one to end the marriage? And, more to the point, why should she feel so miserable at the thought that he now had someone else?
God, she hated Sundays!
Chapter 10
After a typical busy Monday, Sarah arrived back at her flat in the early evening, tired and hungry. It did not improve her humour when she saw the pile of junk mail on the mat. To add to the ever-growing assortment of freebies pushed through the letterbox, over the previous few days she’d had to contend with an influx of unwanted holiday brochures, plant catalogues and all manner of special offers addressed to her personally. Muttering curses on the database that had released her details, she bent down to scoop it all up and discovered a small square package hidden beneath the free local newspaper. Resisting the temptation to open it there and then, she made her way up the stairs.
The seal broke easily and she flicked back the card cover protecting the plastic box to reveal a CD of “Les Miserables”. The unexpected present gave her a warm glow. She’d raved to anyone who’d listen about that trip to the Hippodrome in Bristol to see the show. It had been one of the last outings with Nathan before the break-up, but even that painful association couldn’t spoil the memory of what had proved to be a magical evening.
Although musicals were not really her thing, Nathan had been keen to go. After all the hype about the production, she’d been even more sceptical although, as they made their way out of the theatre at the end of the performance, she confessed that it was the best thing she’d ever seen. For the rest of the evening they had talked endlessly about the passion of the music, the quality of the singing and not least the sheer drama of the massive dark structures that moved across the stage to form the oppressive buildings crowding the Paris slums, and then later twisted and turned to become the massive barricades. If it had not been so difficult to get tickets – the show was sold out within weeks of it being advertised – they would have gone a second time.
The next day, Nathan had made a special trip into town to buy a video of the Concert Performance at the Albert Hall. When the two of them split up, the video went with him. Although a CD gave no impression of the breath-taking spectacle on stage, she was delighted to have the music once again. She took the case out of its cardboard cover to find the note that went it.
Her pleasure evaporated rapidly as she scanned the paper. Not a friendly missive, but an invoice! Why, after the previous book fiasco, had she been foolish enough to think that it was anything other than an attempt to cause her more inconvenience? Having opened the thing, she would now have to go to the trouble of parcelling it up with a covering note to explain that she had not been the one to send for it. The choice of a piece of music that would have given her such pleasure made the disappointment all the more bitter. He’d succeeded in achieving more than nuisance; her persecutor had tainted a treasured memory.
The fourth Tuesday of every month was scheduled for her meeting with Sir Richard Waveny, chairman of the Board of Governors. Immediately following her appointment, she had been left in no doubt that she was not his preferred candidate. He had been openly antagonistic at Governo
rs’ Meetings, when he had scoured every report or proposal she put forward for some unsubstantiated detail. He would question every figure and demand a detailed explanation of any point where he could find an alternative to her suggestion. Although, after he had taken over as chairman, things were no longer so acrimonious, she still had to ensure that she could justify every decision. It meant spending a great deal of time considering every option, double-checking her facts and marshalling her arguments. But at least it gave her the advantage of appreciating the pros and cons of all the possible courses of action. Not only had their boardroom battles taught her to be skilful in putting the case for her preferred proposal, on the occasions when the voting went against her, she could accept the alternative, aware of the merits of that particular plan.
Sir Richard arrived earlier than usual for their September meeting, and she was surprised when he knocked and came straight into her office without having himself announced, as was his custom.
‘How are you, Dr Harcourt?’ He was the only person who habitually called her by her title. Apart from the college stationery, she rarely used it.
She got up and moved to join him at the large circular table. Though the college had conference rooms, including the recently refurbished Boardroom where Governors’ Meetings were held, they were not appropriate for only a handful of people. She preferred to use her own office for small groups; particularly as much of her life seemed to revolve around meetings.
‘I do hope you’re over your dreadful experience.’ There was genuine concern in his voice and he looked at her shrewdly.
Sarah felt a sudden alarm. How could he possibly know about the persecution campaign being waged against her?
‘You were attacked on the way home, I believe. I appreciate it was some time ago, however, as you know, I was on holiday until last week and I’ve only just heard about it.’
A wave of relief swept through her. She could only hope her panic had not shown in her face. Sir Richard was not one to miss anything. ‘It was a very minor incident, Sir Richard. I had my bag stolen, that was all. It’s one of those stories that’s been much embroidered as it’s been spread around.’
‘Still bad enough for you to have to take time off,’ he persisted. ‘And to my knowledge, you’ve never had a day’s sick leave in the seven years you have been with us, so it must have had quite an effect on you.’
‘I did have to wait for the locks to be changed the next morning, and was asked to go to the Police Station to make a statement, but I came in later that afternoon.’ Sir Richard was the last person she wanted to think that she had used the opportunity to neglect her work.
‘Really.’ He looked a little surprised. ‘I’d got the impression it was much longer. Still, it must have been a very unpleasant, not to mention nerve-wracking, experience.’ The pale grey eyes stared at her appraisingly. What other gossip had the old boy heard? For a fleeting moment, she got the impression that he had expected to find her jumping at her own shadow. She would have to work hard at keeping up the efficient image.
‘Shall we take a look at the proposals for handling the faculty review?’ she countered. The sooner they got off the topic of her state of health the better. ‘I’ll get the papers.’ She went to her filing cabinet.
The review was the final stage in the major restructuring of the college and the changes in the faculty system would have a major impact. Redefining the areas of responsibility of the faculty directors was always going to be a contentious issue, and seeing it through would be the greatest test so far of her position as Principal. The current structure was no longer suited to the needs of a modern Further Education College and, more to the point, was extremely expensive. The division into five faculties, each led by a Director on a top-level salary scale, supported by a multiplicity of heads of department, was fast becoming ruinous to the economic viability of the college. It had been made clear at her appointment that rationalizing the whole staffing structure would be a priority.
‘If you’re sure you feel up to it. If you wish, I’m quite happy to postpone our meeting.’
She stopped and turned to look at him. With a confidence she didn’t feel, she said, ‘Sir Richard if I wasn’t on top of the job, I wouldn’t be here in the office. The only reason I don’t have the papers ready on the table is because you are…’ she glanced up at the clock, ‘twelve minutes early.’
From the look on his face, she realised she must have sounded sharper than she had intended so she gave him a broad smile and continued, ‘I’ll ask Lucy to get us some coffee.’
They settled down to consider her ideas on possible ways of tackling the review. She gave him little time to comment as she pushed sheet after sheet in front of him outlining the advantages and disadvantages of each strategy. They soon settled into their normal business-like routine, and each time he demanded more background detail she was able to extract it from the file of corroborating data. Only once did he ask for information she did not have among the papers she had prepared, but it took only moments to go to her filing cabinet and produce it.
After three-quarters of an hour, he sat back.
‘I can’t imagine there’s anything you haven’t considered.’ He looked across and actually smiled at her. ‘So, assuming that the Board of Governors can agree the guidelines for the cross-college committee, whom would you like to see on the working party?’
‘We must have representation from each faculty and at all levels, nonetheless I will argue very strongly for the inclusion of Dev Sharma and Anna Margilewska.’
‘Very politically correct,’ he said sententiously.
‘Possibly, but I want those two there because Mr Sharma’s faculty is the one most under threat, and Anna isn’t only bright and ambitious, she’s also popular with the younger staff and can take them with her when the changes come into force.’ She was annoyed that he thought she had chosen them only because one was a member of an ethnic minority and the other a woman. ‘Ultimately it’s up to the staff to decide.’
‘True, but as chairman, I’ve no doubt you’ll be able to help them see the bigger picture.’
‘No,’ she said firmly. ‘I think it would be a mistake for me to be on the working party at all.’
‘You want to distance yourself from any mistakes it might make?’
‘Certainly not!’ she snapped. ‘The thought of letting things become out of my control will no doubt keep me awake at night. However, the only way to ensure commitment to the outcome is to demonstrate that this working group is a genuinely democratic means of influencing the future of the college.’
He raised his hands in surrender. ‘I do appreciate that. I was only teasing.’
She felt her cheeks turning bright scarlet. ‘I’m sorry, Sir Richard…’
He waved away her protest. ‘I suppose that means you are happy to let George Fitzgibbon hold the reins?’
‘I’m sure he will do an excellent job in keeping everything on track.’ It flashed through her mind that he must know of their earlier contretemps. Not much happened around the college that Sir Richard did not get to hear about.
They talked over a few minor details and when he left she felt utterly drained. It was a good job he could not see her slumped over the table looking anything but the strong arm at the helm. At least she had given a good performance. With luck, he had no suspicions as to how she had struggled to battle through as if it had been a normal meeting, and her mind hadn’t been constantly distracted by thoughts of what dire mishaps her tormentor had laid in store for her to trip over.
Except for her occasional escapes with Elizabeth, it was rare for Sarah to take a proper lunch break. Often, she made do with little more than an apple, but after that encounter, she could not summon up the level of concentration required to settle back at her desk. She needed some fresh air. As she was about to move, her phone buzzed.
‘Sarah, have you got a minute?’
‘Can it wait, Barry? I was just about to go out for some lunch.’
‘It won’t take long. It’s personal rather than work.’
Curiosity as much as anything prompted her to agree.
He was up in a couple of minutes. He came in and carefully shut the door.
‘I don’t know if I should tell you this, but,’ he paused waiting for her to encourage him.
She resisted the temptation to say, ‘Then don’t,’ and kept a blank expression on her face.
‘Sir Richard came to see me first thing this morning. He said he wanted an update on how the student work experience was going, but then he started pumping me about you.’ If Barry expected a reaction, he did not get one. ‘He seemed to think that you were a bit below par, not quite on top of things any more. Naturally, I said I hadn’t noticed any problems, but I thought you ought to know.’
‘Fine,’ she said nonchalantly, getting up and reaching for her jacket.
He hovered at the door. It was clear he’d expected a different response.
‘Was there anything else, Barry?’
He shook his head and having no further excuse to stay, went out. She could hear him laughing with Lucy and decided to wait until he had gone.
Lucy looked up when she came out. The secretary already had her sandwich box open and was about to bite into an enormous filled bap when she saw Sarah. ‘I’ve got a lot to get through today so I thought I’d eat this here.’
All in the Mind Page 6