"You are only one man, Zou Tun. You cannot save China by yourself. Especially since..." Her voice trailed away. But he wanted to have it all. To have her say it all.
"Especially if..."
"Especially if you have no interest in politics and no aptitude for it."
There, she had said it—flat-out, with barely an apology in her eyes. He had no ability in politics. No aptitude, and even less interest.
"But I was raised to be a great general."
"And I was raised to be a rich, pampered woman. But I don't want to be pampered. And you don't want to be an undercover spy or a leader of armies, do you?"
He could not deny it. "No. I was successful only when I led monks. In prayer."
She shifted, this time tucking her knees up under her as she rose above him. Her hair fell in glorious disarray around her face—a beautiful distraction—but she pushed it impatiently out of her eyes. "I have a question for you, Zou Tun. One that you may not be able to answer."
He nodded, curious and wary.
"What would Lao Tzu counsel? The founder of Taoism, what would he tell you was more important—the affairs of a nation, or of one man?"
Zou Tun frowned, having never thought of his religion in this manner. "I believe he would say that if the heart and mind of every man were in natural order, then there would be no need to govern the nation."
She grinned. "Exactly."
"No, not exactly! The hearts and minds of China are not in natural order. They are not pure or in harmony. In fact, the disharmony cries out to Heaven!"
"And how will causing your own disharmony help, Zou Tun? How will becoming exactly what your father wants—a political force—help anyone?"
He closed his eyes, his heart and mind torn in two. She was offering him everything he wanted, holding up Lao Tzu and the sacred texts as an example for him to follow. But no Chinese scholar or immortal ever proposed disobedience to father and emperor. None suggested that he should pursue his own ends at the cost of his father's. And perhaps the nation's.
She interrupted his thoughts, her voice persuasive. "What skills can you offer the emperor? Truly, Zou Tun, he doesn't need another bad general. What can you offer your country?"
He shook his head. At last the truth fell from his lips. "Nothing," he said. "I have nothing to offer."
"Oh, Zou Tun," she said, her eyes shimmering with tears. "That's not true. You can be a leader of men."
"I can't!"
"Yes, you can. You can lead men to be in harmony with their nature. You can teach the sacred scrolls. You can lead in prayer and bring the people back to a lightness with all. That's what you can do." She leaned forward, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "That's what you want to do, isn't it?"
How to answer when his mind was in chaos? How to think when her breasts dangled just above him? And how to believe he could still serve his country—and serve well—when he had always been taught the opposite?
He shook his head. "I don't know. I..." He closed his eyes. "I just don't know."
She sighed, and he felt her settle back beside him. "You do know. You just don't want to believe it is possible."
He opened his eyes to find her beside him, her lips a few bare inches from his. "What do I know of enlightenment? I know what Abbot Tseng taught, but it did not save his monastery from being destroyed. I know what the Tigress Shi Po teaches. But I cannot control my body. I cannot even look at you without thinking..." His voice trailed away, but she would not let him stop.
"Without thinking what, Zou Tun?"
"Without thinking that I have no control over my dragon whatsoever. And that to be a monk, I should. I must. Except, with you..." He reached up, roughly pulling her down to him, pressing his lips to hers, devouring her mouth with his own. And when he was finished, he relaxed his hold. "Except with you," he continued, "I have no control at all."
She blinked, and he was vain enough to be pleased by her dazed look. But all too soon she focused again. "And to be a good monk—"
"A Jade Dragon. In the tradition of the Tigress."
She nodded. "To be a Jade Dragon, you must be able to control your yang fire. You must be able to direct it, just as I need to learn to direct my yin tide."
It wasn't a question, but he answered it nonetheless. "Yes. But I have no faith that it can be done."
She nodded, her expression thoughtful. "Then we must find your faith, Zou Tun."
He almost laughed. She sounded as if she would discover it under the bed, or in a forgotten pair of pants.
"It can be done, Zou Tun. We just have to find a way." She began to smile, a slow, sensual expression that made his dragon leap in response. "Perhaps we should work on finding you enlightenment tonight."
He swallowed. He did not think he was proof against her determination. Certainly not when she looked so delighted by the prospect. Still, honesty forced him to tell her the truth. Before she could lean into him, before he felt her lips against his, he told her what would happen.
"We will do whatever you wish tonight, Joanna. But in the morning I will leave."
"But—"
He shook his head. "No. I will not endanger you."
She swallowed, her eyes stricken. "Where will you go?"
"Somewhere that is not here. Perhaps even to Peking to lay my case before the emperor. I could tell him everything and then let him decide."
She sighed, dropping her head onto his shoulder. "And if he should decide to kill you?"
Zou Tun shrugged, knowing death was a real possibility. "Then I will accept his judgment."
"And what of your judgment?"
He laughed, extending his hand to her beautiful curls. "My judgment is faulty. Have I not just explained that to you?"
She sighed. "Your judgment is just fine. It is the rest of the world that is faulty." And so saying, she turned her lips to his. Then they began to practice.
Except that when they kissed, he felt a change. And when her hands stroked over his dragon, the caress was different. He had no name for it, only that her touch was warmer, her kisses more passionate.
Before she could do more than take hold of his dragon, he stopped her, his hand over hers, his eyes searching her face. "What are you doing? Why does this feel different?"
She froze, slowly lifting her hand away. "This is wrong?"
He shook his head. "No. It is better. But why?"
She looked down at him, her eyes unfocused. "I don't..." Then she bit her lip, extending her free hand to trail a fiery caress down his chest. "Yes," she murmured softly. "This is different."
He lifted her hand to his lips. "Yes, but why?"
"Because it is done with love. Zou Tun, that is the answer. That is what the Tigress Shi Po didn't understand."
He frowned. "Joanna—"
"You said it yourself—that she doesn't fully understand what she teaches."
"No one can. Not even the great teachers. That is the nature of the Tao."
She nodded. "Well, this is something Shi Po doesn't understand. That this"—she leaned over and kissed his chin when he would not give her his lips—"this is better when done with love."
He shook his head, denying it even though part of him wondered if she could be right. "They teach that you are not to get attached. That the Tigress uses—"
She pressed her finger to his lips. "Then they teach it wrong."
"But—"
She shook her head. "I am sure of this, Zou Tun."
He sighed, gently pulling her hand away from his mouth. "Only novices are sure. The masters know that nothing is permanent. Nothing is assured."
"The Tao is permanent. God is assured. And love is—" She cut off her words with a sigh. "You do not trust anything, Zou Tun. And so perhaps we should try an experiment."
He arched his brow, waiting and wondering what her incredible mind would think up next.
"Touch me, Zou Tun."
He grinned and reached out to stroke her breasts. They had been tempting him for an ete
rnity. But she stopped him, holding his hand just shy of her flushed skin.
"With love, Zou Tun. Try, for a moment, to touch me with love."
He froze, his insides clenching. She could not be suggesting it. She could not ask for him to love her. It was impossible. He was a Manchurian prince. She was a white barbarian. He couldn't possibly love her. And yet, when she looked at him, her bronze eyes clouded because of his hesitation, his heart squeezed painfully in his chest. How could he hurt her like this? How could he deny her so simple a thing?
After all, he could touch a pet dog with love. A hurt animal in the wood. Even his fellow monks had been treated with a kind of love. Why not her? Why not allow himself to feel for her?
So he did. He allowed himself to revel in the wonder that was Joanna. He saw not only her rounded breasts with the dusky rose nipples, but also the warmth that was Joanna, which heated her skin and filled those breasts with pure, wonderful yin. He allowed himself to touch her white thighs, stroking them with a tenderness that had nothing to do with how beautifully firm they were, but with how her legs were strong because she made them so. And when he kissed her shivering belly, trailing ever lower, he closed his eyes, knowing that he was kissing the woman Joanna, and not the line between yin centers.
And then he found himself at the entrance to her cinnabar cave, smelling her spice and tasting her sweetness. And he froze in fear. It was a ridiculous place to be immobilized with terror, but he was. He had no explanation for it. Above him, Joanna's gasping breaths began to slow. Her body began to still. He knew now was the time to push her to the yin crest. Now was her time.
But he could not.
Because he wanted more. He wanted to be with her when she crested. To be inside her. To feel her around him, but most important, to give her everything he had of himself. Not the Manchurian princely part, not even the Shaolin monk, but the whole of him.
She had recovered her breath and was lifting her head to look at him, a question in her eyes. But he didn't answer. Suddenly he knew what he wanted. What he had always wanted. Perhaps he couldn't always have it. He would not likely be here longer than tonight. But for this one moment, this one time, he would do it all. As he wanted. As she wanted. For them.
He pulled himself off of her, looking down into her eyes, and said not the words she wanted, but the words he needed to say.
"I cannot marry you, Joanna. There are too many obstacles. But I can give you everything I am. I can bind myself to you as I have to no other woman."
She blinked, clearing the yin haze to focus upon him. "I don't understand," she said. "I wish to give you my child."
The underlying substance of the universe is nothingness. From nothing came Heaven and Earth. From Heaven and Earth came the myriad things. Finally giving rise to the world as we know it.
—Lao Tzu
Chapter 16
Joanna stared, unsure she had heard him properly. He obviously saw her confusion, because he went on to explain.
"This is not 'practice,' Joanna. This is... this is the most I can do to save you. To share myself with you."
"But..." She couldn't even form the words; there were too many questions.
"You are nearing your fertility. I can feel it. If I give myself to you now, you may conceive a child. I will declare you my concubine. If it is a girl child, you will have status and yet still pose little threat." He paused and sighed. "Of course, if it is a boy and my heir"—his expression grew tortured—"then you will be in even more danger. There will be many who do not want a half-white son as a possible successor."
He fell silent, thinking. Joanna could only stare, her mind reeling. A child? With Zou Tun? The thought sent her soaring into the heights of joy. She found she desperately wanted his child—a little boy with dark hair and serious eyes. Or a little girl with his exotic skin and intelligent mind. Such thoughts took her breath away.
"Do you understand, Joanna? I have two enemies: my father who would put me on the throne and my cousins who would see me barred from it. There is only one way I could become unfit to rule—"
"By openly taking a white lover?" she asked, beginning to follow his thoughts.
He nodded. "And what better way to prove that I consorted with a white woman than to sire a half-breed child? Should the Emperor die, even the most incompetent of my cousins would take the dragon throne before me."
"So your cousins would be thrilled, but what would your father do?"
He shrugged. "Girl children are unimportant. He would ignore such a thing. And my cousins would do much to ensure that child's safety. There is no better way prove my unfitness for the throne."
"But a boy?" she asked, her heart in her throat.
Zou Tun shook his head. "My father would not tolerate a half-white grandson heir. You and the child would have to die."
Joanna swallowed. It was bad enough to think of becoming an unwed mother. But to add such danger to her children would be inexcusable. She couldn't force that on them.
And yet she so desperately wanted to do this.
But she couldn't risk her son. Not even for love.
She sat up, pulling Zou Tun to his knees before her. She kissed him as deeply and passionately as she could. Most of all, she sent him her love. And when she was finished, she said the words aloud so he would truly understand.
"I love you, Zou Tun. With all my heart I want to have children with you." She swallowed her tears, forcing herself to continue. "But I cannot, not even for you, risk the lives of my children." She pulled away then.
He nodded silently, sadness in every line of his body. "You are wise, Joanna."
She shook her head, then called his name to force him to look directly into her eyes. "No, Zou Tun, but I am determined." She lifted her chin. "There will be no half measures between us. If you want to take my virginity, to give me a child, then you will have to marry me. You will have to stay with me forever and to protect that boy or girl child from whatever comes. You will have to do that."
"I... cannot." His voice was anguished. "I cannot abandon my family and my country. I am a Manchurian prince. I cannot give up everything I am. Even for love. Even for you."
"Then, my love"—she dropped her head against his forehead—"there can be no child. And no—"
"I will give myself to you, Joanna. I will give my soul to you in every touch, every caress. But..." He sighed. "But you are right. There can be no child."
So saying, he touched her. He began with her breasts, lifting them with his hands, drawing the nipples to a tight point with his tongue. Joanna felt her yin tide begin to rise, boiling through her blood and setting flash fires across her skin. Her body shuddered with the power, her breasts dancing in his hands.
He grinned as she moved, whispering directly against her right nipple, "That was your fear being thrown off your body. Let us see if I can help you purify even further." He pressed her down on the bed, his tongue roving in circles around her breast while his other hand continued to mold and tweak in echo of his mouth.
Joanna moaned in sweet hunger, but her eyes were on Zou Tun, her hand caressing the softness of his nearly bald head. "I want more," she whispered.
He paused, then began to shift his hand down her belly. "More?"
She shook her head. "Not more for me. More of you." She abruptly sat up, pushing him down onto the bed as she moved. She shifted, placing her head lower on his body, in line with his dragon. She had easy access now as she gripped it. Extending her tongue, she began to play with him as he had done with her, swirling her tongue around his dragon head, cupping the twin houses of his dragon seed with one hand while she circled his jade stem with the other. He groaned, his body jerking in his own kind of shuddering response.
"Was that fear you just released?" she asked.
"No," he whispered against her thigh. "It was awe."
He began his own explorations, pushing his head between her thighs and they began to move in concert. As she sucked on his dragon, he pushed his fingers de
ep inside her. As she tongued the underside of his dragon head, he licked her pearl. She felt his yang power mixing with her rising yin all the while, for her yin poured a stream into his swirling yang. They were like a single circle, flowing into each other, power pouring between them. But they were not one, merely two joined together.
She felt him begin to crest. She knew he was close, just as she was. Her body was tightening. His dragon was pulsing. His fingers were hard and thick inside her, twisting and pushing, making those tiny circles that pushed on her pearl.
"It is time," he gasped, his breath sending shivers across her skin.
"Yes," she whispered. She gripped his dragon. She knew what he wanted her to do, and her legs trembled with the force of anticipation.
"Now."
One word, and then they bent to their tasks. She wrapped her mouth around his dragon, sucking hard. He pressed his fingers deep into her, their tiny circles becoming a tight pinpoint of power. She extended her tongue, rolling circles around his dragon head. Once. Twice. A third time. He imitated the motion around her pearl.
"Now," she echoed.
And together, they tightened their lips and sucked. Once.
They exploded.
Together.
But it did not end there.
The crest continued. The yin tide raised her higher and higher as her body convulsed, and he continued to thrust.
They soared, higher, happier, more joyfully.
Heaven.
They were in Heaven! At least, that was how it looked to her. Dark black sky was everywhere, even below their feet. And there were tiny dots of stars swinging like lanterns all around them. Such beauty!
"Where are we?" she whispered.
"I don't know," he answered. Which was when she realized she hadn't really spoken out loud at all. She had thought the words, and he had apparently heard.
She took a deep breath, pulling her joy inside. And then she remembered.
"I know this place. I remember it. From that first night of practice."
Beside her, she saw Zou Tun turn. "You came here?"
The Way of the Tigress 1-4 Page 56