by Sarah Fine
I wondered if it was better for him that way, if it was what he should have done ages ago. I wondered if it would protect him from what I was feeling now. From the ache in my chest every time his eyes slid past me without looking. From the lance of pain through my heart every time he brushed past me without stopping. From the sting of tears in my eyes as I thought about how badly I wanted to lean on him, to feel his hands on me, to taste his mouth on mine.
I supposed I should have been glad. This was good for him, right? I had taken so much from him, and now he wasn’t going to let me take any more.
As time passed, I lost count of the rounds of fever and chills, each one leaving me weaker. I kept my eyes glued to Malachi’s purposeful strides as he led us through the city. As long as he was in front of me, I stumbled forward, towing Nadia along. It felt like I was running after him but couldn’t quite keep up. My heart raced. I couldn’t catch my breath. My feet grew farther and farther away as my head stretched from my neck like a helium balloon on an endless string.
And then I was amazed to find myself on the ground. I had no idea how I got there.
I wasn’t there long. Malachi lifted me from the street, and then I was in his arms. He didn’t say a word.
“Make sure Nadia keeps walking,” I mumbled.
He nodded.
My head bobbed against his shoulder. I stared at the side of his face. “I’m sorry I’m hurting you.”
He continued walking, his face hard, refusing to look at me.
I wanted to touch him, to stroke my fingers down his cheek, but I couldn’t lift my arms. I sighed. “You’re so freaking beautiful, Malachi. I could look at you for a million years and never get tired of it.”
The muscle in his jaw began to twitch. I squinted to bring it into focus. Everything was blurry. I giggled, finding my sudden inability to see terrifically funny. But some rational part of me knew it was a very bad sign. It might be the last time I ever got to look at him. I found myself desperately wishing I had my camera.
“In case I don’t get to tell you later, thank you for everything.”
“Shut up.” He clutched me against his chest. “I don’t want to hear this right now.”
“You’re the only person I’ve ever wanted to touch…me,” I wheezed. I tried to take a deep breath, but the air was too thick. It was drowning me.
“Lela, you’re delirious. Save your breath.” His voice was harsh, but I heard its shakiness.
“Whatever you say.”
He snorted. “‘Whatever you say’? Now I know you’re delirious.” But he lifted me higher and held me closer, tucking my head into the crook of his neck. “We’ll be back at the Station in a few hours,” he said softly. “Stay with me.”
I smiled against his skin. “I’m not going anywhere.”
TWENTY-EIGHT
I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE. That’s the last thing I remember saying before the world bled black and the walls caved in, suffocating and burying me. Flashes of memory interrupted the long, slow slide into the abyss. Most were of Malachi. The part of my brain that remained functional mused over that irony, considering how briefly I’d known him. It was hard to care, to call anything else to mind. Only his face mattered. It was the only thing that came to me without effort, like reflex, like breathing. Wherever I was going, part of him would go with me. Willingly given or not, it was mine to cradle, to carry, to sustain.
Voices cut through the fog from time to time, but the only one I recognized was his. I couldn’t understand what he was saying, but I knew he was there with me, wherever I was. Nothing hurt except the nagging regret that, despite all he’d given me, I’d given him so little. I wanted the chance to give him something, to give him the best of me, as pathetic as it was, damaged and broken, warped at the edges, hardly worth having. I decided that if I had the chance, if he asked, if he needed, it was his.
People touched me, and there was nothing I could do to stop them. I was dimly aware of being moved, shifted, carried, turned. I couldn’t open my mouth to ask what was happening, couldn’t let them know I was still aware, still there. I wanted to ask where Nadia was, to make sure she was all right. I wanted to talk to Ana, but then remembered she was dead. I wanted to talk to Diane, but then remembered she was living.
But most of all, I wanted Malachi.
Malachi.
“He’s not here, Lela.” A gentle voice. A beautiful voice. But it wasn’t his. I drifted again.
Malachi?
“Lela, stay with me. Can you open your eyes?” The beautiful-voice-that-was-not-Malachi’s spoke again. Someone stroked my face.
“Malachi?” My voice was barely mine. It was a thread of a voice, not a voice at all.
“No, Lela, it’s Raphael. Can you look at me?”
My eyelids fluttered. They each weighed a ton. “Lela, come back from wherever you are. You’ve got unfinished business here.”
“What?” I opened my eyes. Unfamiliar room. Unfamiliar cot. A lamp sat next to the cot. A man sat next to the lamp. Raphael.
He smiled his amazing smile. “Welcome back.”
“Did I make it to the Station?” The details were pretty fuzzy. I remembered a lot of walking.
He shook his head. “You continued breathing, but that’s about all I can say for you. Malachi carried you after you collapsed.”
“Nadia?” I croaked.
“She’s here. Malachi is with her. He’s been with her for days. He only leaves her when he goes on patrol, or when he comes to see you.”
I lifted my hands to touch my face, noting the faint scars that lined my otherwise-healed left hand. Everything felt so disconnected, as if parts of me had floated away. “Days?”
Raphael nodded. “You were in very bad shape when you arrived. The infection was advanced. There was a lot of organ damage to mend, not to mention your hand. And you are weak because the city does not nourish you. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get you back.”
“Ana? Was she seen? Has she been found?”
Something sparked in his eyes. “No. She did not reenter the city. Malachi spoke to each of the Gate Guards personally.”
I watched him carefully. “Malachi’s been busy.”
“Very. He’s needed it.”
I bit my lip. “Is he angry with me?”
“You can ask him yourself. I summoned him when you started to wake. He should be here soon.”
Joy and fear jolted through me. It must have shown on my face because Raphael squeezed my hand and asked, “Do you want me to stay with you?”
A knock at the door interrupted my frantic thoughts. Raphael gave my hand another squeeze and stood up. “Come,” he called.
Malachi stepped through the door, and I stopped breathing for a few seconds. There weren’t really words for how he looked to me. Well, maybe one. He looked uncertain. His eyes darted to Raphael, who said, “She’s going to be fine. She’s lucid.” Raphael patted Malachi’s arm affectionately as he headed out the door.
Malachi wasn’t wearing his armor, but I could tell he’d just come in from patrol. He smelled of the streets, of sweat and leather. I closed my eyes and inhaled.
“Lela?”
I opened my eyes. “Malachi?”
He sat down in the chair next to the cot, looking completely unsure of what to do with himself. I slid my hand along the sheet and flipped my palm upward, an invitation. He gazed down at it for several seconds. Hesitantly, as if afraid I might break, he placed his hand over mine.
As he stared at our entangled fingers, something inside him seemed to shatter. He closed his eyes tightly and grimaced, gritting his teeth. He lowered his head and laid it against my side. I ran my fingers through the thick, black hair on the back of his head. He wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me closer. His shoulders began to shake, and he took a deep, shuddering breath. He was crying.
I bowed my head over his and folded my arms over his back. “Malachi, I’m sorry. For everything.”
“Don’t.”
&n
bsp; I held him until his quiet sobs slowed and the tremors finally subsided. “Do you know how long you’ve been unconscious?” he asked, his voice muffled. “Did Raphael tell you?”
“Um, a few days?”
“Twelve days. It’s been twelve days.”
My breath caught. “I’m sorry.”
He raised his head and quickly wiped the tears from his face. He stared at me with narrowed eyes. “Why do you keep apologizing?”
“Because you keep being upset at me. And I don’t know how to fix it.”
He gave a sniffling, raspy laugh and shook his head. “It’s easy, really, or it should be. Be alive. Be well. Can you manage that?”
“I’ll try.” I brushed my fingers across his cheek, catching a final tear with my thumb. “Did you miss me?”
He rolled his eyes. “Are you actually going to make me answer that?”
“I missed you.” I felt totally shy and stupid. I’d never done this sort of thing before. I sat up shakily, supporting myself with arms that felt like overcooked noodles.
He reached out and threaded a few locks of my wild hair between his fingers. “I was under the impression you weren’t aware enough to miss anything.”
“That was true for the most part. But not completely.” I took his hand and laid it against my face. “You were definitely on my mind.”
He got up and sat next to me on the cot. “Did I miss you?” He took my face in his hands and kissed me gently, but it was enough to send my heart rate straight off the charts. He trailed kisses from the corner of my mouth down to the base of my neck. “I’m glad I was on your mind, because I almost lost mine.”
“I’m sorry—”
“Lela, shut up.”
And then his lips, his mouth. I wrapped my arms around his neck and let him pull me onto his lap, my legs draping over his.
My senses came back online—smell, taste, touch—flaring to life within my brain. Then everything short-circuited in sparks and flashes the moment he fisted a hand in my hair and folded his arm across my hips, holding me hard against him. It all seemed uncomplicated at that moment. Just him. Just his lips, his hands. Just the way he made me feel, like the most beautiful creature in the world, like someone pure and whole.
Raphael cleared his throat. We froze, eyes popping open at the same time. Malachi kissed me once more, a light brush over my lips, before turning a blank, hard face toward the intruder.
“Malachi, I need to speak with you.”
Malachi’s arms tightened around me. He didn’t seem to care that Raphael had discovered us in this position. The only thing that appeared to bother him was the interruption. “I hope this is an emergency.”
“I wouldn’t disrupt your reunion for any other reason. There’s been a report of a breach at the eastern wall.”
I scrambled off Malachi’s lap as he rose to his feet. He didn’t let go of my hand.
“Confirmed or suspected?”
“Suspected. But another Guard has been killed. Emir.”
Malachi cursed. “I will go. Please tell Rais to gather a unit and meet me in the assembly area.”
Raphael nodded and left. Malachi turned to me with an apology on his face. “This is the third reported breach this week. Something is happening. I have to go.”
“I know,” I said quietly, but I couldn’t release my grip on his hand.
“Listen—we didn’t get to talk about it, but you should go see Nadia.” He sat down next to me on the cot again.
“How is she?” I was almost afraid to hear the answer.
He gave me a guarded look. “I’ve spent a lot of time with her. I think she’s a little better. She’s in Ana’s quarters.”
I put my hand to the side of his face, smoothing my fingers along his cheekbone. “Thank you for taking care of her.”
“It was the only thing I could do.” He closed his eyes and leaned against my hand.
“I don’t want you to go.” I scooted forward until my forehead touched his. “I’m sorry. I know that’s selfish.”
He smiled. “You can be selfish. It makes me feel wanted. And I…” He chuckled softly. “I want you to want me.”
I drew back and looked at him, eyebrows raised, but he didn’t let me get far, tangling his fingers through my hair and bringing me close. His lips brushed mine, once, twice, suffusing my entire body with heat. “I love the way you taste,” he whispered.
I kissed him. I wanted him all over me. I wanted to wrap him around me like a cloak. I wanted everyone to know. I knew I’d gone crazy, but I couldn’t bring myself to care about that when my tongue slid against his. His groan blew every fuse in my body.
“Lela,” he said breathlessly, “I’ll be back soon. I won’t be gone more than half a day.”
“But you have to go.”
“Yes.”
I reluctantly unwound my arms from his neck and watched him shift uncomfortably before getting up. He looked down at the floor for a few moments, then took my hand. “When I get back, we should talk. Will you be up for that?”
“Yes.” I looked at him cautiously, trying not to let my brain spin out of control as it came up with a thousand possibilities for what he might want to talk to me about. But his expression gave nothing away, and he didn’t say more. He simply gave me a too-brief kiss before striding out the door.
I walked down the hallway toward Ana’s quarters, stopping every few yards to lean against the wall and catch my breath. So weak. I wondered how much longer I had until I faded away completely. Until I starved. Based on how I was feeling now, it seemed like a matter of days rather than weeks.
I had run out of time.
I would have to get Nadia out soon or risk leaving her alone and helpless in the city. Maybe I could just wait for Malachi outside the city walls. Maybe I could camp there with Nadia until he was released from his service. Maybe that’s what he wanted to talk about. Maybe he was thinking the same thing.
I turned the corner of the dead-end hallway that housed Ana’s quarters. One of the massive Guards stood outside the door, arms folded. I recognized him immediately.
Amid.
What the hell? How could they post a nut like Amid outside Nadia’s door? What was she, some type of criminal?
“What are you doing here?” My question came out harsh and hoarse. His head jerked up immediately. Sea-green eyes regarded me with contempt.
“Preventing your little friend from escaping.”
“She hasn’t done anything wrong,” I snapped as I approached, letting the wall hold me up, putting all my energy into the ferocity of my voice.
“I’m not the Judge, Mazikin-lover. I’m just the Guard,” he sneered.
“Go. Get out of here. I’ll take care of her.” I pointed down the hall, dismissing him.
He shook his head. “You don’t give me my orders.”
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, sincerely wishing I could punch that freaking rhinoceros right where it hurt most. “Look. She’s my friend, and she’ll be really scared if she comes out and has to deal with you. How about you just take a break and go to the food room? I’m not giving you orders. I’m just telling you that you won’t get in trouble if you take a break.”
He grunted at me, took a few steps, and peeked around the corner. Then he walked away, grumbling what I was sure were horrible insults.
I leaned against the door and pushed it open, unprepared as the scent of leather mixed with cinnamon greeted me. Ana. I wiped a tear from my face. Where had Ana gone when she died? Had she found Takeshi? Were they out there in the Countryside, together at last? I really hoped they were. I didn’t want to contemplate the alternatives.
Nadia was hunched over Ana’s desk, writing.
“Hey,” I called. “Feeling better?”
She whirled around, and her eyes went wide when she saw me. Just as Malachi had said, she looked better. Her hair was clean and brushed, and her clothes were neat, though ill fitting.
“Lela? Malachi said you were
still sleeping.”
I shuffled forward, blinking back tears. Her face, her voice…Nadia looked and sounded like herself, like I remembered her. “I woke up,” I managed to whisper. “What have you been up to?”
Nadia flipped over the page on which she’d been scrawling and smiled. It didn’t quite reach her eyes, but I was used to that. “I’ve been getting better,” she said. “Malachi’s been great.”
“Have you been eating?”
She nodded. “He said that was the first thing you’d ask. He brings me food and apologizes every time that it’s gross. He’s incredibly sweet for being so hot. Usually the hot ones are jerks.”
My beautiful friend thought my beautiful boy was hot. Huh.
“Malachi’s one of a kind,” I said cheerfully. And loudly.
Nadia tilted her head and gave me the I-can-see-straight-through-you look I had thought I’d never see again. I almost started crying. I had missed her so much.
“Lela, he is stone-cold crazy about you. Stop being insecure. It makes your voice sound weird.”
I did start to cry. My Nadia. Here she was.
She rose from her chair and put her arms out but waited for me to come to her. She looked a little uncertain, but she was still willing to try, and there was no way I was going to let her down. I walked straight to her and hugged her fiercely. “I’m so glad we found you.”
“You didn’t hurt yourself to get here, did you?” she asked.
“Oh, no, I just…had an accident. But when I woke up here, I decided to try to find you. I knew all about this place—I’m so sorry I didn’t warn you before. Believe me, I know exactly what you’re going through now. But that’s all going to change when we go out into the Countryside. Wait until you see it—”
I had to stop talking because she was squeezing me so tightly I could barely breathe. I leaned back to try to read her expression, but her face was blurry.
“Are you okay?” she asked as I swayed. “You look kind of pale.”