by Nikki Ashton
“What do we do?” I asked.
Phoebe looked unsure, and lowered her gaze.
“Hey,” I whispered. “Tell me what you want to do.”
“I…” She took a deep breath. “I want to keep seeing you and if we have to do the long distance thing, then we do it.”
I wanted to jump up and punch the air. I hadn’t realized how damn much I needed her to say those words. I’d been through so much shit over the last few weeks and she’d been there with me, supporting me; having my back and every day she’d become more important to me.
“I will make it as easy as possible for you,” I said, cupping her face with both hands. “I’ll come to you as often as I can, and don’t worry about the cost of flying in to me, I’ll cover it, pretty girl. If it means I get to see you, I’ll pay anything it costs.”
Phoebe let out a little whimper and swiped away a tear.
“Hey,” I soothed. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m just so happy that you want the same thing.”
“Well I do,” I replied, confidently, because I damn well did. “And we will make it work.”
“You think we can?” she asked tentatively.
“Without a doubt.”
Phoebe squealed and the next thing I knew, I was on my back with Phoebe squirming on top of me, peppering kisses all over my face. My pretty girl was happy and that made me fucking delirious.
Phoebe
Grantley and I had had three weeks of bliss and every day I’d fallen a little more in love with him – not that he knew that. I might like to think I’m a feminist, but that was one rule I could never break. He had to say it first, and that was most unlikely. I knew Grantley cared about me, and enjoyed being with me and wanted to keep seeing me, but love? I was pretty sure he wasn’t at that point.
Now, I had a feeling my sense of serenity was about to disappear. Grantley and Francesca’s sex scene had been postponed because Francesca had a raging temperature, Alexi decided to make it the very last filming of the shoot.
It was supposed to be a closed set, as Francesca and Grantley weren’t using body doubles, and while it was no Fifty Shades level of sex scene, there was some boobs and butt on display. The butt I was most interested in because it was Grantley’s. Finding out that Grantley had insisted that I be on set, Francesca had thrown a real tantrum and complained to Alexi with a stamp of her foot. Grantley in turn had suggested I body double for Francesca, if she was that worried about it. So, while I’d been throwing him dirty looks and shaking my head, Francesca yielded to Grantley’s demand and allowed me to stay.
I knew Grantley thought he was doing the right thing, showing me that nothing untoward would happen and everything was totally professional, but I still couldn’t help but feel some trepidation. I’d seen lots of sex scenes while being an Extra, but none that involved my boyfriend whom I would be conducting a long distance relationship with. Life sucked donkey balls at times, and watching Grantley getting Francesca off was one of those times.
“You okay?” Penny asked as she sidled up beside me. “Or is this your worst nightmare?”
I grimaced and pretended to gag.
“As I thought.” She flung an arm around me and gave me a tight squeeze. “You know how mechanical these scenes can be.”
“I know, but it’s different when it’s the guy you’re actually sleeping with,” I whispered.
Penny laughed. “You do know everyone knows you’re an item, right? I mean, if the hand holding and nose rubbing at lunch didn’t give it away, the soppy ass grin on his face every time he looks at you did.”
I looked over to Grantley, who was taking some last minute direction from Alexi. He was wearing nothing but a fluffy white robe, slippers, and a modesty pouch and it was making me anxious.
“Go if you want to. He’ll never know.”
“I can’t, Penny. I said I’d stay and I wouldn’t feel right about not being here and I don’t want to lie to him and tell him I was and then have to fake being okay.”
“Okay,” Penny sighed, “but for what it’s worth, I think he’s wrong for asking this of you. Especially as it’s no secret she’s desperate to be in his pants.”
“I know, and I think that’s why he asked. I think he thinks I’ll feel more comfortable seeing it.”
“Well maybe close your eyes, at least then you’re keeping your promise but not having to watch.” She gave me a huge smile, and another squeeze with her arm. “I’d best go and touch up Francesca, if you know what I mean.”
I giggled and nodded. “I do. Go, go do your thing.”
Penny left and I was alone doubting my sanity.
Yep, I’d just about had it with Francesca Bloody Woodfield. The bitch had delighted in smiling over at me at every opportunity – okay, so I hadn’t closed my eyes, I’d watched all the gory details. Then if that hadn’t riled me enough, she kept putting her hand under the thin cotton sheet that was covering them, when hands were most definitely supposed to be above the covers.
“Go tell Francesca to stop acting this out like it’s a porno,” Alexi said to the First Assistant Director. “Those fucking moans are totally over the top and unnecessary.”
I lifted my hand to high-five Alexi, but then thought better of it. Still, I was glad he’d noticed her antics too. A few minutes later, when Alexi shouted action once more, I turned back to the bed with Grantley and Francesca writhing around on it. With a sigh, I looked at my watch, wondering how long they’d been ‘at it’, when I heard a shit, from the action.
“What the hell was that?” Grantley asked. “That’s not in the damn script.”
I looked over to see him clutching at his neck and frowning down at Francesca.
“I thought it would look good. Realistic.”
“Francesca!” Alexi shouted. “What the hell? You giving him a hickey could mess up continuity. Are you crazy?”
My eyes widened. Yes she was fucking crazy, marking my man. How dare she, knowing that it wasn’t in the script and that I was standing right there, watching.
“Sorry,” she simpered. “I just didn’t think. I was so caught up in the moment.”
“Go again,” Alexi said. “And this time keep it PG and stick to what we agreed on.”
The action started again and even though I took deep breaths, trying to quell the jealousy in the pit of my stomach, I couldn’t help but let it take over me. I felt as though I wanted to vomit, and then following that, I wanted to march over there and pull her out of the bed by her hair.
As Grantley kissed up Francesca’s neck, it took everything in me not to cry out and tell him to stop, but like a morbid fool I continued watching, hating every second and wishing I’d taken Penny’s advice. The sad fact was, this would be my life from now onwards. I would forever be second guessing what women wanted from Grantley. Would every woman try to entice him and would he be enticed? Hideous images flashed through my mind, and I knew I was going to have to use every bit of strength I had to get through our times apart. Shit, I’d even need it through our times together – Francesca didn’t give a damn that I was standing a few feet away, she was still trying to get Grantley to forget me.
God, I hate that I feel this pathetic and insecure. I knew I should have stayed away from him.
Looking down at my feet, I decided I needed to get out of there. Grantley had seen me watching, so he’d known I’d stay for some of the time and that would have to be enough. As I turned to leave, Alexi shouted.
“Cut! And that’s a wrap everyone.”
The few people onset cheered, and wardrobe rushed to Grantley and Francesca, offering them their robes as they jumped up from the bed. Immediately Grantley’s eyes sought mine and I forced out a big smile and gave him a thumbs up. He didn’t need to know how hideous the last hour or so had been for me. The returning smile from Grantley was beautiful and I could see there was a great amount of relief in it too. He hadn’t just wanted me here to show me it was going to be okay, he’d wanted to know whet
her I’d be able to handle it. This had been as hard for him as it had me.
I held my smile as Grantley approached me, swigging from a bottle of water.
“Shit,” he groaned, “that was hard work.”
“Generally or because I was here?” I asked, with a giggle, trying to lighten the situation.
“No, because it was with Francesca. She fucking bit down on me.” Grantley moved the collar of his robe. “Has she left a mark?”
I peered at his neck and sighed with relief. “No. There’s nothing there, but I’d still recommend a trip to the hospital for a tetanus injection.”
“Good,” he smiled and then chuckled at my remark.
Laughing, I leaned forward to kiss him, but was shocked when Grantley pulled back.
“W-what’s wrong?” I asked, glancing at Francesca who was taking her time to cover up.
Grantley grinned. “I ate tuna and onions before the scene and you know… she’s been there. I should maybe shower first”
“You didn’t,” I gasped.
Grantley nodded. “Yeah, I did. Which is probably why she bit me, the stink must have been fucking awful. I don’t want you to have to smell it.”
“Just a quick peck then,” I offered, pulling him to me by the belt of his robe.
“Patience pretty girl,” he said, moving his mouth to my ear. “If you’d like to come to my dressing room, I could clean my teeth, maybe gargle a little, scrub myself clean and then I’d be more than willing to kiss you. In more places than just your mouth.”
With a little quiver between my thighs, I nodded at Grantley, glanced over at Francesca who was now watching us, and then linked my fingers with Grantley’s and followed him off the set to his dressing room, where he kissed me in places I didn’t even know the name of.
I loved him, and wanted us to work, despite the distance and time apart. The following day when he left for LA would be awful, but we’d get through it because it would only be for a short time. We were going to work, I was sure of it.
But what if…
Grantley
As Phoebe folded one of my sweaters, I took it from her hands and threw it into my case.
“Leave that,” I said, pulling her into my arms. “I can do it later.”
“You won’t fold it properly. It’ll be creased as hell by the time you get home.”
She buried her face into my chest and wound her arms around my waist, holding on tightly- so tightly, it felt as if she was trying to get inside my skin. I got it, I really did, because I didn’t want to let go of her, ever.
“I don’t know why you can’t just come home with me tonight,” I whispered. “I don’t start shooting for another week.”
Phoebe didn’t respond, but drew in a breath, snuggling closer to me. I inhaled her scent and kissed the top of her head, desperate to take her to bed, but I knew if I did I’d never leave and Marcia had fucking arranged for me to appear on the Tonight Show. I was already cutting it close and would no doubt be appearing with damn jet lag.
“When do you think you’ll come over?” I asked.
Phoebe looked up at me, her eyes shining with tears and her bottom lip trembling. Dread and fear gripped me as I looked at her beautiful, sad face.
No, no way.
“No,” I said shaking my head. “Don’t do this Phoebes. Don’t you dare tell me you’re not coming, please.”
Tears slid down her cheeks as she chewed on her bottom lip.
“I’m sorry.” Her voice cracked. “I can’t do it. I lay awake all night, after you fell asleep and it just kept going round and round in my head. And, I can’t.”
“Why?” I asked, swallowing hard. “What’s changed since yesterday?”
We’d had an amazing time in my dressing room, enjoyed the wrap party, and then I’d made love to her here at the hotel, and I’d fallen asleep with her wrapped in my arms. A blissful end to a fucking amazing day, where I thought we were on the same page.
“I just realised that I wouldn’t be able to stand it. You being there and me being here. The distance is too far. The time in between visits would be too long.”
“But, I can organize a jet for you. It wouldn’t take as long,” I argued, cupping her face with my shaking hands. “We can do it, you know we can.”
“But I have to work, Grantley,” she sobbed. “I can’t keep jetting over to you. I need money to live, to help Beth.”
“I’ll help you with money.” I knew I was pleading, but I could give a fuck less. “I’ll help Beth.”
“No, Grantley, you can’t. I wouldn’t let you, and Beth certainly wouldn’t.”
Tears dropped from the end of her nose and chin as she gulped out a breath.
“Please, Phoebe.”
She shook her head and swiped at her face. “I can’t Grantley. You know it won’t work and it will hurt so much more than if we end it now.”
“But I don’t want to end it.”
“Neither do I, bu-.”
“Well, don’t do this then. Come to LA as we agreed. Do the long distance thing.”
“I’m sorry, Grantley. I’m so sorry. I can’t.”
I looked down at her and I felt the same pain I had all those years ago, when my dad left. Only this time, it was so much worse. This was my adult heart being ripped apart after feeling fuller than it ever had before. But, as I watched her cry with pain in her eyes, I knew that if this was that hard for her, then she was doing what she thought was the right thing and I had to accept that, no matter how shitty it was.
But I couldn’t, I wouldn’t accept it.
“Please. Let’s just try it out. See how things go and if it’s not working, we call it a day.” I placed my hands on her shoulders, stooping to look deep into her eyes. Begging her to listen to her heart.
“But that would be so much worse. At least this way, this time we’ve had will always be special.”
Determination shone from her eyes and I knew that there was no changing her mind. Maybe she was right, having her for a few days a month would never be enough, but it was better than nothing.
“Please reconsider. Please, Phoebes.”
“My mind is made up, I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“What will it take? You want me to beg?” I asked.
“No. God no, I don’t want you to beg.” She cupped my face with both of her delicate hands. “You know I’m right about this.”
Like fuck I did.
“No, you’re not. I have never felt this way about anyone, not even Serena.”
Immediately I wanted to take the words back, as Phoebe’s face crumpled.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to mention her. I-.”
“Grantley, don’t be sorry. That is my stupid insecurities, but it’s also another reason why I can’t do this. I would forever be in fear.”
“But I’m not a cheat,” I protested. “I wouldn’t do that to you. Was it seeing me acting with Francesca, yesterday? Because you know that’s all it was – acting.”
“I know,” she replied, wiping at her face. “And I know you’re not a cheat, but it wouldn’t stop me worrying and I can’t live like that. At least this way, it will always be my most perfect relationship.”
I blew out a breath, trying hard not to think about her in a relationship with someone else. I also couldn’t stand the thought of not seeing her again.
“Please Grantley, I’ve made my mind up. I can’t be swayed.”
As I looked down on her, she jutted out her chin, determined and unmoving. She was right, she wouldn’t be swayed.
“Are you sure?”
Phoebe nodded and wiped away more tears. I dropped my head and let out a long exhale.
“I can’t stand this. I’m going to miss you so fucking much.” I choked out the last word, barely able to get it past the lump in my throat.
Phoebe gave a ragged sob and flung her arms around my neck. “Not as much as I’ll miss you. I will think about you every day, and my heart will miss you every single
minute of those days.”
“Fuck, Phoebe. Please don’t do this.”
My words a muffled sob as hers slayed me and clinging on to her, I wrapped myself around her like ivy.
We held each other tightly, breathing each other in and basking in those last moments together. Eventually, I pulled back and dropped my forehead to Phoebe’s, cupping the side of her face.
“I’ll never forget us,” I whispered.
“Me neither and I’ll always remember this as the best time of my life.”
“The very best,” I breathed out.
Slowly she moved out of my embrace, and getting onto her tiptoes, she kissed me softly.
“Be happy, Grantley.”
A huge sob wracked from her body as she pulled away, her hand lingering in mine and it took all my willpower not to tug her back into my arms and make her stay. I wanted to tell her goodbye, but my mouth was too dry and my breath too shallow to be able to utter even one word.
As the bedroom door quietly clicked shut, I realized that was it.
Phoebe was gone.
Phoebe
After Barney had dropped me home, I ran to my room, covered myself with my duvet, and sobbed into my pillow until it was soaking wet. Beth had rushed up the stairs after me, but I was ashamed to admit that I’d slammed the door in her face.
I knew she’d looked in on me, because I felt her rub my back and my old teddy bear was pushed under the covers, but she hadn’t forced me to talk, for which I was grateful. I guessed a couple of hours at least had passed because I heard the theme music to the boy’s favourite tea-time TV program, drift up the stairs. Taking in a deep breath, I poked my head out and looked across the room to see Beth sitting on the floor, her back against the wall.
“How long have you been here?” I croaked.
“About an hour, maybe less.”
“Beth,” I groaned. “Your arse must be numb.”