Snooki In Wonderland: The Improved Classic

by Phil Edwards

  The Queen Sammi turned angrily away from him, and said to the Knave 'Turn them over!'

  The Knave did so, very carefully, with one foot.

  'Get up!' said the Queen Sammi, in a shrill, loud voice, and the three gardeners instantly jumped up, and began bowing to the King Ronnie, the Queen Sammi, and everybody else.

  'Leave off that!' screamed the Queen Sammi. 'You make me giddy.' And then, turning to the rose-tree, she went on, 'What HAVE you been doing here?'

  'May it please your Majesty,' said Two, in a very humble tone, going down on one knee as he spoke, 'we were trying—'

  'I see!' said the Queen Sammi, who had meanwhile been examining the roses. 'Off with their heads!' and the procession moved on, three of the soldiers remaining behind to execute the unfortunate gardeners, who ran to Snooki for protection.

  'You shan't be beheaded!' said Snooki, and she put them into a large flower-pot that stood near. The three soldiers wandered about for a minute or two, looking for them, and then quietly marched off after the others.

  'Are their heads off?' shouted the Queen Sammi.

  'Their heads are gone, if it please your Majesty!' the soldiers shouted in reply.

  'That's right!' shouted the Queen Sammi. 'Can you play croquet?'

  The soldiers were silent, and looked at Snooki, as the question was evidently meant for her.

  'Yes!' shouted Snooki.

  'Come on, then!' roared the Queen Sammi, and Snooki joined the procession, wondering very much what would happen next.

  'It's—it's a very fine day!' said a timid voice at her side. She was walking by the JWoww, who was peeping anxiously into her face.

  'Very,' said Snooki: '—where's the Duchess Angelina?'

  'Hush! Hush!' said JWoww in a low, hurried tone. She looked anxiously over her shoulder as she spoke, and then raised himself upon tiptoe, put his mouth close to her ear, and whispered 'She's under sentence of execution.'

  'What for?' said Snooki.

  'Did you say "What a pity!"?' JWoww asked.

  'No, I didn't,' said Snooki: 'I don't think it's at all a pity. I said "What for?"'

  'She boxed the Queen Sammi's ears—' JWoww began. Snooki gave a little scream of laughter. 'Oh, hush!' JWoww whispered in a frightened tone. 'The Queen Sammi will hear you! You see, she came rather late, and the Queen Sammi said—'

  'Get to your places!' shouted the Queen Sammi in a voice of thunder, and people began running about in all directions, tumbling up against each other; however, they got settled down in a minute or two, and the game began. Snooki thought she had never seen such a curious croquet-ground in her life; it was all ridges and furrows; the balls were live hedgehogs, the mallets live flamingoes, and the soldiers had to double themselves up and to stand on their hands and feet, to make the arches.

  The chief difficulty Snooki found at first was in managing her flamingo: she succeeded in getting its body tucked away, comfortably enough, under her arm, with its legs hanging down, but generally, just as she had got its neck nicely straightened out, and was going to give the hedgehog a blow with its head, it WOULD twist itself round and look up in her face, with such a puzzled expression that she could not help bursting out laughing: and when she had got its head down, and was going to begin again, it was very provoking to find that the hedgehog had unrolled itself, and was in the act of crawling away: besides all this, there was generally a ridge or furrow in the way wherever she wanted to send the hedgehog to, and, as the doubled-up soldiers were always getting up and walking off to other parts of the ground, Snooki soon came to the conclusion that it was a very difficult game indeed…

  The players all played at once without waiting for turns, quarrelling all the while, and fighting for the hedgehogs; and in a very short time the Queen Sammi was in a furious passion, and went stamping about, and shouting 'Off with his head!' or 'Off with her head!' about once in a minute.

  Snooki began to feel very uneasy: to be sure, she had not as yet had any dispute with the Queen Sammi, but she knew that it might happen any minute, 'and then,' thought she, 'what would become of me? They're dreadfully fond of beheading people here; the great wonder is, that there's any one left alive! And if my head were to come off, my pouf definitely would as well. '

  She was looking about for some way of escape, and wondering whether she could get away without being seen, when she noticed a curious appearance in the air: it puzzled her very much at first, but, after watching it a minute or two, she made it out to be a grin, and she said to herself 'It's Vinny: now I shall have somebody to talk to.'

  'How are you getting on?' said Vinny, as soon as there was mouth enough for him to speak with.

  Snooki waited till the eyes appeared, and then nodded. 'It's no use speaking to it,' she thought, 'till his ears have come, or at least one of them.' In another minute the whole head appeared, and then Snooki put down her flamingo, and began an account of the game, feeling very glad she had someone to listen to her. Vinny seemed to think that there was enough of it now in sight, and no more of it appeared.

  'I don't think they play at all fairly,' Snooki began, in rather a complaining tone, 'and they all quarrel so dreadfully one can't hear oneself speak—and they don't seem to have any rules in particular; at least, if there are, nobody attends to them—and you've no idea how confusing it is all the things being alive; for instance, there's the arch I've got to go through next walking about at the other end of the ground—and I should have croqueted the Queen Sammi's hedgehog just now, only it ran away when it saw mine coming!'

  'How do you like the Queen Sammi?' said Vinny in a low voice.

  'Not at all,' said Snooki: 'she's so extremely—' Just then she noticed that the Queen Sammi was close behind her, listening: so she went on, '—likely to win, that it's hardly worth while finishing the game.'

  The Queen Sammi smiled and passed on.

  'Who ARE you talking to?' said the King Ronnie, going up to Snooki, and looking at Vinny’s head with great curiosity.

  'He's a friend of mine—a guido,' said Snooki: 'allow me to introduce him.'

  'I don't like the look of him at all,' said the King Ronnie: 'however, he may kiss my hand if he likes.'

  'I'd rather not,' Vinny remarked.

  'Don't be impertinent,' said the King Ronnie, 'and don't look at me like that!' He got behind Snooki as he spoke.

  'A guido may look at a king,' said Snooki. 'I saw that on some show, but I don't remember where.'

  'Well, he must be removed,' said the King Ronnie very decidedly, and he called the Queen Sammi, who was passing at the moment, 'My dear! I wish you would have guido removed!'

  The Queen Sammi had only one way of settling all difficulties, great or small. 'Off with his head!' she said, without even looking round.

  'I'll fetch the executioner myself,' said the King Ronnie eagerly, and he hurried off.

  Snooki thought she might as well go back, and see how the game was going on, as she heard the Queen Sammi's voice in the distance, screaming with passion. She had already heard her sentence three of the players to be executed for having missed their turns, and she did not like the look of things at all, as the game was in such confusion that she never knew whether it was her turn or not. So she went in search of her hedgehog.

  The hedgehog was engaged in a fight with another hedgehog, which reminded Snooki of two juice heads quarrelling at a club, and it seemed to Snooki an excellent opportunity for croqueting one of them with the other: the only difficulty was, that her flamingo was gone across to the other side of the garden, where Snooki could see it trying in a helpless sort of way to fly up into a tree.

  By the time she had caught the flamingo and brought it back, the fight was over, and both the hedgehogs were out of sight: 'but it doesn't matter much,' thought Snooki, 'as all the arches are gone from this side of the ground.' So she tucked it away under her arm, that it might not escape again, and went back for a little more conversation with her friend.

  When she got back to Vinn
y, she was surprised to find quite a large crowd collected round it: there was a dispute going on between the executioner, the King Ronnie, and the Queen Sammi, who were all talking at once, while all the rest were quite silent, and looked very uncomfortable.

  The moment Snooki appeared, she was appealed to by all three to settle the question, and they repeated their arguments to her, though, as they all spoke at once, she found it very hard indeed to make out exactly what they said.

  The executioner's argument was, that you couldn't cut off a head unless there was a body to cut it off from: that he had never had to do such a thing before, and he wasn't going to begin at HIS time of life.

  The King Ronnie's argument was, that anything that had a head could be beheaded, and that you weren't to talk nonsense.

  The Queen Sammi's argument was, that if something wasn't done about it in less than no time she'd have everybody executed, all round. (It was this last remark that had made the whole party look so grave and anxious.)

  Snooki could think of nothing else to say but 'It belongs to the Duchess Angelina: you'd better ask HER about it.'

  ‘She’s in prison,’ the Queen Sammi said to the executioner: ‘fetch her here.’

  And the executioner went off like an arrow.

  Vinny’s head began fading away the moment he was gone, and, by the time he had come back with the Duchess Angelina, it had entirely disappeared; so the King Ronnie and the executioner ran wildly up and down looking for it, while the rest of the party went back to the game.

  CHAPTER IX. The Chicken Cutlet’s Story

  'You can't think how glad I am to see you again, you dear old thing!' said the Duchess Angelina, as she tucked her arm affectionately into Snooki's, and they walked off together.

  Snooki was very glad to find her in such a pleasant temper, and thought to herself that perhaps it was only the pepper that had made her so savage when they met in the kitchen.

  'When I'M a Duchess,' she said to herself, (not in a very hopeful tone though), 'I won't have any pepper in my kitchen AT ALL. Pasta does very well without—Maybe it's always pepper that makes people hot-tempered,' she went on, very much pleased at having found out a new kind of rule, 'and vinegar that makes them sour—and camomile that makes them bitter—and—and Cosmos and Vodka cranberries and such things that make guidettes sweet-tempered. I only wish people knew that: then they wouldn't be so stingy about it, you know—'

  She had quite forgotten the Duchess Angelina by this time, and was a little startled when she heard her voice close to her ear. 'You're thinking about something, my dear, and that makes you forget to talk. I can't tell you just now what the moral of that is, but I shall remember it in a bit.'

  'Perhaps it hasn't one,' Snooki ventured to remark.

  'Tut, tut, child!' said the Duchess Angelina. 'Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it.' And she squeezed herself up closer to Snooki's side as she spoke.

  Snooki did not much like keeping so close to her: first, because the Duchess Angelina was VERY busted; and secondly, because she was exactly the right height to rest her chin upon Snooki's shoulder, and it was an uncomfortably sharp chin. However, she did not like to be rude, so she bore it as well as she could...

  'The game's going on rather better now,' she said, by way of keeping up the conversation a little.

  ''Tis so,' said the Duchess Angelina: 'and the moral of that is—"Oh, 'tis love, 'tis love, that makes the world go round!"'

  'Somebody said,' Snooki whispered, 'that it's done by everybody minding their own business!'

  'Ah, well! It means much the same thing,' said the Duchess Angelina, digging her sharp little chin into Snooki's shoulder as she added, 'and the moral of THAT is—"Take care of the sense, and the sounds will take care of themselves."'

  'How fond she is of finding morals in things!' Snooki thought to herself.

  'I dare say you're wondering why I don't put my arm round your waist,' the Duchess Angelina said after a pause: 'the reason is, that I'm doubtful about the temper of your flamingo. Shall I try the experiment?'

  'HE might bite,' Snooki cautiously replied, not feeling at all anxious to have the experiment tried.

  'Very true,' said the Duchess Angelina: 'flamingoes and tequila shots both bite. And the moral of that is—"Birds of a feather flock together."'

  'Only tequila isn't a bird,' Snooki remarked.

  'Right, as usual,' said the Duchess Angelina: 'what a clear way you have of putting things!'

  'It's a mineral, I THINK,' said Snooki.

  'Of course it is,' said the Duchess Angelina, who seemed ready to agree to everything that Snooki said; 'there's a large tequila-mine near here. And the moral of that is—"The more there is of mine, the less there is of yours."'

  'Oh, I know!' exclaimed Snooki, who had not attended to this last remark, 'it's a vegetable. It doesn't look like one, but it is.'

  'I quite agree with you,' said the Duchess Angelina; 'and the moral of that is—"Be what you would seem to be"—or if you'd like it put more simply—"Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise."'

  'I think I should understand that better,' Snooki said very politely, 'if I had it written down: but I can't quite follow it as you say it.'

  'That's nothing to what I could say if I chose,' the Duchess Angelina replied, in a pleased tone.

  'Pray don't trouble yourself to say it any longer than that,' said Snooki.

  'Oh, don't talk about trouble!' said the Duchess Angelina. 'I make you a present of everything I've said as yet.'

  'A cheap sort of present!' thought Snooki. 'I'm glad they don't give birthday presents like that!' But she did not venture to say it out loud.

  'Thinking again?' the Duchess Angelina asked, with another dig of her sharp little chin.

  'I've a right to think,' said Snooki sharply, for she was beginning to feel a little worried.

  'Just about as much right,' said the Duchess Angelina, 'as pigs have to fly; and the m—'

  But here, to Snooki's great surprise, the Duchess Angelina's voice died away, even in the middle of her favourite word 'moral,' and the arm that was linked into hers began to tremble. Snooki looked up, and there stood the Queen Sammi in front of them, with her arms folded, frowning like a thunderstorm.

  'A fine day, your Majesty!' the Duchess Angelina began in a low, weak voice.

  'Now, I give you fair warning,' shouted the Queen Sammi, stamping on the ground as she spoke; 'either you or your head must be off, and that in about half no time! Take your choice!'

  The Duchess Angelina took her choice, and was gone in a moment.

  'Let's go on with the game,' the Queen Sammi said to Snooki; and Snooki was too much frightened to say a word, but slowly followed her back to the croquet-ground.

  The other guests had taken advantage of the Queen Sammi's absence, and were resting in the shade: however, the moment they saw her, they hurried back to the game, the Queen Sammi merely remarking that a moment's delay would cost them their lives.

  All the time they were playing the Queen Sammi never left off quarrelling with the other players, and shouting 'Off with his head!' or 'Off with her head!' Those whom she sentenced were taken into custody by the soldiers, who of course had to leave off being arches to do this, so that by the end of half an hour or so there were no arches left, and all the players, except the King Ronnie, the Queen Sammi, and Snooki, were in custody and under sentence of execution.

  Then the Queen Sammi left off, quite out of breath, and said to Snooki, 'Have you seen the Chicken Cutlet yet?'

  'No,' said Snooki. 'You have a chicken cutlet here?'

  ‘Of course we do, since someone must cut the chickens,' said the Queen Sammi.

  'I never saw one, or heard of one that could speak,' said Snooki.

  'Come on, then,' said the Queen Sammi, 'and he shall tell you his history,'


  As they walked off together, Snooki heard the King Ronnie say in a low voice, to the company generally, 'You are all pardoned.'

  'Come, THAT'S a good thing!' she said to herself, for she had felt quite unhappy at the number of executions the Queen Sammi had ordered.

  They very soon came upon a Gryphon, tanning fast asleep in the sun.

  'Up, lazy thing!' said the Queen Sammi, 'and take this young lady to see the Chicken Cutlet, and to hear his history. I must go back and see after some executions I have ordered'; and she walked off, leaving Snooki alone with the Gryphon. Snooki did not quite like the look of the zoo creature, but on the whole she thought it would be quite as safe to stay with it as to go after that savage Queen Sammi: so she waited.

  The Gryphon sat up and rubbed its eyes: then it watched the Queen Sammi till she was out of sight: then it chuckled. 'What fun!' said the Gryphon, half to itself, half to Snooki.

  'What IS the fun?' said Snooki.

  'Why, SHE,' said the Gryphon. 'It's all her fancy, that: they never executes nobody, you know. Come on!'

  'Everybody says "come on!" here,' thought Snooki, as she went slowly after it: 'I never was so ordered about in all my life, never!'

  They had not gone far before they saw the Chicken Cutlet in the distance, sitting sad and lonely on a little ledge of rock, and, as they came nearer, Snooki could hear him sighing as if his heart would break. She pitied him deeply. 'What is his sorrow?' she asked the Gryphon, and the Gryphon answered, very nearly in the same words as before, 'It's all his fancy, that: he hasn't got no sorrow, you know. Come on!'

  So they went up to the Chicken Cutlet, who looked at them with large eyes full of tears, but said nothing.

  'This here young lady,' said the Gryphon, 'she wants for to know your history, she do.'

  'I'll tell it her,' said the Chicken Cutlet in a deep, hollow tone: 'sit down, both of you, and don't speak a word till I've finished.'

  So they sat down, and nobody spoke for some minutes. Snooki thought to herself, 'I don't see how he can EVEN finish, if he doesn't begin.' But she waited patiently.