Other books
by Michael Baisden
Men Cry in the Dark
Maintenance Man
God’s Gift to Women
• • •
Love, Lust & Lies (DVD)
Do Women Know What They Want? (DVD)
Copyright © 2011 by Michael Baisden
All Rights Reserved
Second printing
Published By: Baisden Publishing LLC
www.BaisdenLive.com
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Cover Design by Nate Smith
Book Design by: Stacy Luecker (Essex Graphix)
Printed in the United States of America
ISBN-10: #0615426263
ISBN-13: #9780615426266
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publishers, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review to be printed in a newspaper or magazine.
CONTENTS
Do Men Know What They Want?
Food, Sex and Silence
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
A Woman Who Has His Back!
Let Freedom Ring!
Men 101
Smooth Operator
The Hunt
Call Me
The Escape
Night Court
A Man is Gonna Be a Man … Really?
It Starts at Home
No More Mr. Nice Guy
Nothin’ But the Dog in Me
Everything I Miss at Home
You, Me and She
Vamp, Tramp, Traitor
Wake Up!
Pay to Play
Starting Over!
Afterword
About Michael Baisden
DEDICATION
To my daughter Michae’, who was only three years old when
I self published the first version of this book.
I’m proud of the beautiful and bright
young woman you’ve become.
I hope you were taking notes during our conversation about
relationships and men. Trust me, you’re going to need it!
I love you, Princess
Love, Dad
1
DO MEN KNOW WHAT THEY WANT?
Do men know what they want? I’m not sure they do, but they definitely know what they don’t want, drama! But are men responsible for creating conflict in their relationships because of their lack of honesty? On one hand they demand monogamy while at the same time exercising their options to see whomever they want. Most women believe that men are never satisfied, and they may be right! But the question is, are women willing to listen to what men say they want and accept it? Or will they try to change them?
Never Satisfied
It’s hard to believe it’s been almost seventeen years since I updated this book. It was my first, my baby; it was the book that started it all! I can remember traveling around the country with that raggedy old suitcase stuffed with books going from town to town raising hell on the local morning shows. That was before all the national syndication that I would unknowingly become a huge part of. Those were the days of the standing room only Love, Lust, and Lies relationship seminars. It was just me, a hand-held microphone, and hundreds of fired up women ready to kill me. I was so cocky back then. I thought I had all the answers. Life has taught me so much since then. The older you get, the more you realize how much you don’t know.
I released the original version of Never Satisfied back in January of 1995; I was still driving trains for the Chicago Transit Authority waiting on a sign that it was time to take that leap of faith. And that day came soon after I published the book. It was a bitter cold day and I was working on the tracks with the rail workers. I boarded a train headed back to O’Hare airport and saw a family on their way out of town to someplace tropical. I remember how happy they were laughing and joking around with their straw hats on. At that moment I said to myself, why can’t that be my family boarding a plane? I wanted a better life for myself and for my daughter Michae’, who was three years old at the time. So, three months later I woke up, rolled out of bed onto my knees and prayed. I told God I was ready. I know my Christian fans are going to freak out when they hear that. But I did pray. And tears rolled down my face because I knew from that day my life would never be the same.
Since then I’ve hosted two television shows, Talk or Walk, and Baisden After Dark. I’ve had two of my novels adapted to stage plays, Men Cry in the Dark and The Maintenance Man, and produced two relationships films, Love, Lust, and Lies, and Do Women Know What They Want. Currently I host my own nationally syndicated radio show. But my proudest moment came in 2007 when I led the Jena 6 Civil Rights March. It was incredible to see thousand of people from all over the country of every age and race coming together to get justice for those six boys. I’ll never forget that moment for as long as I live. Also, campaigning to elect the first black president was a huge landmark as well. It felt good to have his camp tell us how instrumental we were in getting him elected.
Yes, a lot has changed since then, I’m older and hopefully wiser. Which is why I felt compelled to update this book. I wanted to share what I have learned in the past seventeen years with my readers and my radio family. We’ve discussed so many topics over the years and I felt this was an opportunity to put my thoughts down for the next generation to read. When Never Satisfied was first released in 1995, it became one of the most successful self-help books on relationships written by an African American male. I knew it was going to shock some people and spark dialogue about everything from cheating men to the women who tolerate it.
And that’s what my entire career has been all about, provoking conversation. Although it’s been many years since I self-published the original, we are still hesitant to move the relationship model forward. Sometimes it’s due to our religious beliefs, old fashioned thinking, and yes, the fear of change. I realize how difficult it can be to change the way you look at relationships but let’s face it; relationships and the institution of marriage are in real trouble. If you were in school and you got a 50 on a test, that’s not passing, that’s flunking. And right now we’re flunking out of relationships and marriage 101. When people hear terms such as open relationships, swinging, and polygamous, they freak out. But the reality is most people are in open relationships already. They either don’t know it, or don’t want to admit it. It’s like they have a case of selective amnesia.
Well, this is your wake up call. And just as I did back in 1995, I’m going to smack you in the mug with a hard dose of reality. Not according to me, but based on what everyday people have to say. I took the liberty of updating some of the stories based on some of the entertaining e-mails and calls I’ve received on my radio show over the years. I can promise you two things, you won’t be able to put it down once you start reading, and you won’t stop laughing. Sometimes when you see people so caught up in the game of cheating, you have to laugh to keep from crying.
So here it is, the new version of Never Satisfied. I kept all the good stuff from the original with a lot of new ideas and different perspectives.
Thanks again for all the years of laughs, great music, and the education. You guys have taught me more than I could have ever taught you. Enjoy!
FOOD, SEX AND SILENCE
Do men know what they want? According to comedian Chris Rock the answer is simple, “Food, Sex, and Silence!” His statement may have been meant as a joke but for a majority o
f men he was right on point. Let’s face it! Men are simple when it comes to relationships. If our woman is not rationing sex, cooking great meals, and is willing to give us our space, chances are we’re happy, at least happy enough to stay in the relationship. However, if the wife or girlfriend is unable to consistently satisfy these needs, most men will likely use it as an excuse to seek satisfaction elsewhere. We are the consummate fair-weather lovers; at the first sign of sex rationing or being smothered we’re out the door and into the bed of another woman. Of course, this does not apply to all men, but I think it’s fair to say that the majority of men will not tolerate going without or being locked down, especially if we have options.
It’s been said, “A man is only as faithful as his options.” And generally speaking, it’s true! It’s easy for a man to boast about being faithful when nobody is interested in having sex with him in the first place. But for those men who are in demand such as athletes, actors, and yes, radio personalities, the temptation can be overwhelming. It’s easy to understand how pastors, politicians, and celebrities get caught up in sex scandals. There is so much pussy being thrown at them you wonder how any mortal man can resist. At some point, that moment of weakness creeps in and…bam! Next thing you know she’s looking up and you’re looking down. After it’s over you lie there asking yourself, “How did this happen?” The answer to that question is simple, Ego! Most women know that the easiest way to get a man’s attention is by stroking his ego, especially if the wife or girlfriend is not stroking it at home. Every man wants a woman who will tell him how brilliant he is and that he’s the greatest lover she’s ever had! Just as women have emotional needs, men have egotistical needs.
What Men Say They Want
When I asked men on my radio show what they wanted out of their relationships, the top three responses had nothing to do with food, sex, or even physical attraction. I’m sure that will come as a shock to most women who see all men as sexual predators with no conscience or emotions. But men fall in love too, and many of us want to be in a monogamous relationship. Yes ladies, some of us want families, someone to grow old with…all that other mushy stuff. All men are not dogs; some of us just need a little training. Women need a better understanding about what’s really going on with us. Yes, we think about sex all the time, but it goes deeper than that! So get your pens and paper ready and write down what I’m about to share with you. The top three things men say they want is respect, support, and freedom. Let’s examine respect first.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
The Webster dictionary defines respect as; to take notice of; to regard with special attention; to regard as worthy of special consideration; hence, to care for; to heed; To consider worthy of esteem; to regard with honor.
It is clear that no man can be the king of his castle without respect. If his woman won’t submit to his authority then how can he move the family forward as the leader? Now, keep in mind, I’m only referring to good men, not the cheaters, not the players, and not the irresponsible boys masquerading as men. With that being said, why are some women so adamantly against the word submission? It does not mean to abuse. It merely implies that a woman should yield to her man, to comply with the decision he has made. The responsibility of the woman is to choose a man whose decision making she trusts in the first place, and to choose a man who is wise enough to consult her before making important decisions. But once her choice is made both people cannot have the last word. Both people cannot lead! Someone has to submit!
It’s amazing to me that on one hand these same women who are dead set against submission have no problem submitting to the pastor at church or their bosses at work. They are careful to use a respectful tone and to comply with whatever direction they are given by these men; however, the man who has committed to them as a life partner often gets less respect than these men who have no stake whatsoever in her well-being. These are also the same women who are shocked when they discover their man is cheating with a less attractive and less educated woman. Well, guess what, she may not be beautiful or have a degree but she understood how to talk to him and how to treat him. Equality may sound idealistic but the reality is we all have a role to play; my advice for women is to find yours and stop picking and choosing when to play wife.
A WOMAN WHO HAS HIS BACK!
Any man who is serious about pursuing his dream must make sacrifices and work long hours. If his woman is not his biggest cheerleader then what good is she? When times get tough, a man needs a woman in his corner who will put her arms around him and say, “Hang in their baby, you can do it!” Some women have supported their men financially, some have provided important contacts, and others have put in time to help build the business.
A woman from New York put it this way, “An ambitious man will never be happy unless he’s pursuing something worthwhile, so why not support him and help make him successful, then you both win!” Unfortunately, some women are afraid to see their men succeed. They worry that as soon as he “Makes it” he will leave the marriage or relationship. My response to that is simple. Never help your man expecting something in return, that’s not being genuine. If you truly love your man, you want to see him win regardless if you stay together or not. This a classic case of women claiming to love their men unconditionally, while at the same time expecting a payoff for the time they put in. In many ways, women can be just as selfish as men. They just don’t want to admit it.
LET FREEDOM RING!
During the taping of my relationship film, Love, Lust, and Lies, a woman from Atlanta was asked, what do you think men want? Her response was, “Men want their freedom!” The men who were on the set started to applaud and so did I. There is nothing more important for a grown man than to know his freedom has not been taken away simply because he says, “I do.” When he promised to love, honor, and cherish, he meant it. But most men don’t expect their lives to change just because they give you the label of wife or girlfriend, especially when it comes to hanging out with friends and having a curfew. A healthy relationship should expand your world, not reduce it!
Regardless if the man is being faithful or not, trying to control his comings and goings is a recipe for disaster! Men will tolerate nagging, excessive shoe shopping, even having their closets and bathrooms hijacked with feminine hygiene products, but no real man will accept that his relationship will forever restrict him from having a sense of freedom.
Notice I said a sense of freedom because as husbands and boyfriends we understand that we must be accountable to our partners, but there is a thin line between accountability and imprisonment! Come on ladies, if we’re going to keep it real, men are going to do what they want to do anyway. You’re not going to make the situation any better by making his escape more difficult. It will only add stress to the relationship. In the end it all boils down to trusting your man to be responsible. Wasting your time trying to control where he is and whom he’s with is just plain silly. Let it go, or let go of the relationship. It’s that simple!
MEN 101
Ok, ladies, it’s time to break out your note pads. Now that I’ve given you an overview of what men want, I want to prepare you for an even more interesting lesson on how men think. Initially, I was going to write an entirely new book on the topic of, “Do men know what they want?” But after filming my documentary, “Do Women Know They Want?” I discovered that most of the issues that men have in their relationships were in the original version of Never Satisfied: How and Why Men Cheat. So, instead, I added new stories from the men and women I interviewed on the show over the years. I also changed the perspectives I wrote between the stories. I’ve learned a lot in the past sixteen years and I wanted to share that with my daughter and nieces as well as all of you and yours.
I realize that some people will always consider my views to be controversial and over the top. But the truth will always be controversial. But this book is not about my truth, these stories are your stories, from the CEOs to the stay at home moms. I promise that you’ll be enlight
ened by the stories on all sides. The most important lesson I learned during this project was that men and women do want the same things, good sex, respect, honesty, security, but sometimes our insecurity, lack of self-esteem, and even our cultures get in the way of us having healthy relationships. Sometimes we need a new perspective to find a better way to reach our goals. And trust me, this will be different.
So, look at this book as edutainment: education and entertainment! I always found that combination to be the best way to hold an audience’s attention. And what could be more engaging than a debate about what men and women want? My documentary film will address the issues of what women want, so now let’s see if we can agree on what men want. And the best way to understand what men want is to understand what men think about everything from sex, relationships, and of course, why they cheat. Let the games begin!
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SMOOTH OPERATOR
Never Satisfied: Do Men Know What They Want? Page 1