I recently did a show titled, “Does Facebook cause divorce?” It was based on a study done by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. In it, they stated that an overwhelming number of the nation’s top divorce attorneys said that over the past five years they have seen an increase in the number of cases where cheating using social networks has been used as evidence.
Mark, who is 42 years old and lives in Ft. Lauderdale, FL, is one of those statistics. After six years of marriage, he was on his way to divorce court, all because of one click of a button on a social networking site. Casual chatting turned into flirtation, flirtation into texting, texting into phone calls, and phone calls into hooking up. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not blaming Facebook, no more than I would blame my social networking site Minglecity.com. But sites like these do allow people to have access to millions of single, lonely, and sometimes desperate people, and it can all be done anonymously. And because the communication is lacking in most relationships, it’s easy to understand how people can get lost in these fantasy relationships rather than deal with the reality of their own situation and try to work things out! Mark learned the consequences of flirting on line the hard way! I call this story “Poke me!”
Poke Me
I joined Facebook towards the end of the year; I remember because it was right before Thanksgiving Day. I loaded all my information and photos into my albums and send out a friend request to all my Frat brothers, close friends and family. The first time I had any contact from Kyla was on January second. My wife was visiting her family in Miami and I was home alone working on a graphic project on my computer. Right before I powered down I logged onto my Facebook account to see if I had any messages. That’s when I noticed that Kyla had poked me. If you’re not familiar with Facebook, poking is a feature that let’s you know someone noticed you; it’s like saying hello. Now, keep in mind, my relationship status on my profile read “Married to Kimberly” and there was a photo of my wife and me posted as my main picture. It was the one of us in Cancun; I had on my black swim trucks flexing my muscles and she had on a one-piece bathing suit. Ever since our son was born five years ago she was self-conscious about her stretch marks, not to mention, she never did lose the weight around her stomach.
Anyway, out of fun, I poked her back and send her a friend request. She accepted. Shortly after that, I sent her a short and cordial message.
“Thanks for accepting my friend request, have a happy new year!”
Mark
Then I turned my computer off. Early the next morning I started back to work and noticed there was a message from Kyla. It read:
Thanks for the Happy New Year shout out! I’m already headed to the gym while my lazy friends are still getting over their hangovers. Another year, another challenge!
Chat with you later.
Kyla
This time I went to her profile page. Her main photo was of a waterfall so I had no idea of what she looked like. When I clicked on her profile photos, my first reaction was, “Damn!” She was gorgeous!
She had short hair and cinnamon brown skin. It was obvious from her pictures that she was into fitness; she posted several photos of herself working out in the gym. Her abs and legs muscles were toned and her ass was round and tight. My dick instantly got hard.
At that point, I knew I was in trouble. I should have clicked the unfriend button and blocked her right then and there, but instead I decided to flirt. I tiptoed back into the bedroom to make sure my wife was still asleep. Once I was sure she was knocked out, I started typing.
Good morning sexy, thanks again for the poke and accepting my friend request. I wanted to tell you how impressed I am with your commitment to taking care of your body. I work out myself. Maybe we can exchange health tips from time to time.
Have a great day!
Mark
There was nothing innocent about my message, I was trying to be cordial hoping she would take the bait. Not that I was expecting to have sex with her, but I wanted to at least start a dialogue. Later that day after my wife and I came back from shopping, I rushed to put away the groceries so I could check to see if I had any messages from Kyla. My wife went straight to the bedroom and tuned into her reality TV show. She knew I hated those programs so she was accustomed to me going to my office and closing the door. “Perfect!” I was thinking.
Sure enough when I logged on to my Facebook account, Kyla had left another message.
Well, hello Mark, and thanks for the compliment. I work out 4 to 5 days a week at a gym on Alton Rd. in South Beach. You and your wife should come down and join me sometimes. I noticed you’re in pretty good shape yourself. It’s all about diet and discipline, right? Hope to hear from you soon!
Toodles!
Kyla
Why did she have to mention my wife, I thought to myself. But I looked past that and was glad she was leaving the lines of communication open. I thought about keeping it cordial, but I figured, what the hell, she knows I’m married, so why not go for it! All she could do was say no, and I would go back to living my life. I took a deep breath and started typing.
Just name the time and place, I’ll be there! I work from home not too far from you in Coral Gables so my schedule is flexible. Not sure if my wife can make it, she’s not really into working out. You know how some black women are about sweating their hair out! lol
I’m looking forward to throwing some weights up with you soon! Have a great day!
Mark
In hindsight, that was the e-mail that stepped over the line. Not only had I indirectly made a date to meet this woman, I was dogging out my wife by saying she was lazy and out of shape. But like so many men, my little head was doing all thinking so I pressed the send button. Kyla’s response came within ten minutes.
Mark, are you being naughty? lol The invitation was for you and your wife. But I kinda figured she was not a regular in the gym when I saw your profile picture. You were buffed and she was clearly not in shape. I never understand why black women let themselves go once they get a man. Each time I go, the gym is full of White and Latino women working out to keep it tight. I guess some people just get comfortable, right?
Let’s meet up tomorrow morning around 10, the 9 to 5ers will be gone by then and we can have the gym to ourselves and really work up a sweat! (smile) Text me your cell number and I’ll text you the directions. See you then Marky!
Kyla
These are the moments that every married man knows is the proverbial “crossing the line” moment. First of all she asked for my cell phone number. “Big mistake!” I was thinking. But I sent it anyway. Secondly, she added to my negative comments about my wife being out of shape. Another red flag, but I ignored it! And lastly, she clearly made a conscious effort to reach out to me based on my swim trunk photo showing off my biceps. Stalker tendency and home wrecker was written all over that one! But like so many other bored and horny married men, I took the bait. Of course, I justified it by saying to myself, “We’re just going to work out.” Yeah right! I was already fantasizing about fucking her against the Stairmaster.
Once my wife was off to work, I packed up my workout gear and dropped my son off at pre-school. In the six years of my marriage I had never cheated. As I merged onto I-95 North I was nervous and excited by what might happen. Let’s face it; married life can be very mundane. Every day it’s the same routine, breakfast, work, drop off kids, pick up kids, do homework or play time, eat dinner, watch Reality TV, no sex, and go to sleep. Kyla was right about my wife getting comfortable; there was no excuse for her still being out of shape five years after our son was born. The local gym was less than five blocks away. I offered to pay for her membership and a personal trainer but she always had an excuse. She was either tired, had dinner plans with her girlfriends, or she had just got her hair done. Kyla was right about that too; too many women, especially black women, put their hair before their health. I still was in love with my wife but the handwriting was on the wall; she was never going to lift a dum
bbell or go to a spin class. At least that’s what I told myself as I pulled into the parking lot of the gym. I had to find some way to justify what I was doing.
The gym was practically empty when I walked in; there were two muscle bound guys bench-pressing in the free weight area and a woman jogging on the treadmill. Suddenly, Kyla came rushing in the door behind me; sweat was dripping down her face and across her bare stomach. She had on a pair of running shorts and sports bra, which showed off her erect nipples.
“Hey Marky! You look exactly like your pictures,” she pressed herself against me tightly and hugged me around the neck like we had known each other for years. “Come on in, make yourself at home. I’m going to grab a quick shower and I’ll be right back.”
I took off the shirt I had over my wife beater and began to stretch. The gym was laid out perfectly for real bodybuilders, nothing but free weights and cardio machines. I was on my second set on the bench press machine when Kyla came out of the locker room. She stood over me to spot me as I added more weights to the bar.
“Don’t try to show off and hurt yourself!” she laughed.
“This is what I do everyday,” I told her. “So, you can just stand back so you don’t get hurt!”
“Hurt me, daddy!” she said while standing over me with her legs straddling my head. “I like it rough!”
I damned near dropped the bar on my chest looking up at the imprint of her pussy through her shorts. But I managed to get in the rest of my set. Once I got up from the bench, I noticed that the gym was completely empty.
“Where did everybody go?”
“Let’s just say, I’m closed for lunch!”
“So, this is your place?”
“No, I just manage it for an old boyfriend of mine. But I set the hours and make the rules.”
“I bet you do!” I laughed.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means that it’s obvious that you do what you want to do, and…!” I paused.
“And what?”
“And you get what you want!”
“Am I gonna get what I want today, Mark?” she said while sitting in front of me on the bench and putting her hands on my dick.”
“And what’s that?” I said playing dumb.
“Come on now, you didn’t think I invited you down here just to pump iron did you?”
“Well, you did invite me and my wife.”
“Chile please, I knew she wouldn’t show, and if she did it wouldn’t be long before she stopped coming! One look at her in that photo of you and her on Facebook and I knew she was retired.”
“What do you mean, retired?”
“You know retired, as in done working, as in done competing, as in done fucking!”
I wanted to act offended that she tried to read my wife, our marriage, and me but she was right. My sex life was non-existent. And the energy she was giving me was so strong; there was no way I was leaving that gym without touching and tasting her. She was confident, beautiful, and sexually creative, everything my wife used to be. I felt like I owed it to myself to take what she was offering, if only for that one time. So, I did.
That affair went on for several months, but my affair with Kyla was not what broke my wife and me apart. Kyla was the first of three women I connected with that year on Facebook and other websites. She was just the woman who opened the door. By October of that year my wife had hacked into my e-mails and read every letter I ever sent out. She even saw all the provocative photos of the ladies I was sleeping with. Now my son is being raised in a single parent household, and I’m paying alimony and child support all because I chose to avoid my problems instead of addressing them. So, married men beware, if your relationship is on the rocks, the Internet is the last place you want to be. Your whole life can be shattered with a single e-mail, just as mine was. It all started and ended with a poke!
Getting Busy
Keeping in touch with the other woman is no simple task. It is often a stressful process. With every new lover comes a renewed battle with the suspicious wife or girlfriend to see to it that his whorish plans are not interfered with. Facebook and Twitters apps loaded, cell phones turned off, undercover texting, and alibis set. Whew! It’s enough to make your head spin. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Once he’s resolved his communication issues, the desperate and horny cheater must face yet another challenge, devising a plot to justify leaving out of the house long enough to “Get Busy.” I call it this process, The Great Escape.
THE ESCAPE
Many women may view “The Escape” as an overly exaggerated term to describe the man’s desire to get away to see the other woman. But if you present this same expression to the man who cheats, he’ll understand precisely why it fits perfectly. Past experiences have taught him that getting away to fool around is not so easy, especially if he’s shacking or married. Some men spend hours, if not days, thinking up elaborate excuses to explain their temporary or overnight absences. They sometimes enlist the help of close friends and family members to pull off this charade. And that’s the problem with lies, you always have to build on them and involve other people. At some point the lies don’t add up, or you tell so many lies you start tripping over them.
The most interesting thing I discovered over the years of discussing infidelity and relationships in a series I call, “Sloppy Cheaters” is that the same men who feel trapped were often the same ones who insisted on being in a committed relationship in the first place. Yes, men are usually the ones who suggest or pressure the woman into being a couple. That’s right, I said it! Men are greedy but they’re not stupid, at least not when it relates to recognizing a quality woman. The biggest dog in the world knows when he has a good thing and he’ll try to hold on to it at all costs. So, we try to tie the woman down by selling her a fantasy, putting a ring on it, or whatever, and all the while we’re out there poking every Mary, Jane, and Shaneequa.
Now, I realize how confusing this must be for most women. Many of them ask, “If men values their relationships so much why would they risk cheating in the first place? Or they ask, “Why can’t men just be upfront about wanting to see other women and spare all the time and energy it takes to creep?” First of all, no man cheats with the expectation of getting caught. For whatever reason, men think their game is so tight that they’re going to get away with it. WRONG! Most men are very reckless when it comes to cheating. Ninety percent of the time our women know we’re cheating; they either ignore the obvious signs, or accept it and keep their mouths shut. Hell, the wife or girlfriend might be cheating too, as the expression goes, “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander!” And to answer the question as to why men aren’t honest and upfront about wanting to see other women? Simple; men don’t want their woman to exercise the same option to see other men. Bottom line! So instead of being truthful and open, we have a nation of grown ass men, some as old as 60, telling lies to get out of the house so they can go cheat. How pathetic!
As the night’s secret rendezvous draws nearer, the walls seemingly begin to close in on the horny cheater. His comfortably furnished living room is subconsciously transformed into a cramped jail cell. “What in the world can I tell her to get out of here tonight?” he contemplates. As the clock ticks, the tension mounts. The man of the house now sees himself as the inmate of the house; likewise the innocent wife or girlfriend is also transformed. Where there once stood a docile woman in hair rollers now stands the fierce warden with the keys to his freedom. What drama! And to think, all of this hallucinating because, we as men are not mature enough to be truthful in the beginning of the relationship. For the majority of us the truth is never an option. As far back as I can remember not one man in my life has ever told me, “Michael, always be honest with women.” To the contrary, young men are encouraged to have sex with as many girls as they want, just don’t get caught! Little do we know some women will accept the truth and continue to date us, and most importantly, there’s never a loss of respect. It
’s unfortunate that men don’t put a value on that. Nothing hurts a woman more than being disrespected and nothing is more unforgivable than being humiliated!
Since the warden, I mean, the wife or girlfriend won’t issue a temporary pardon, the desperate cheating man must devise a plan of escape. Carl, who lives in Detroit and has been married for 8 years, admitted that he’s mastered the art of escaping for most of his marriage. “When you meet someone new, the desire to be with them is so intense, you just want to be with them.” he says, “And it’s almost as if my wife can sense it and she comes up with last minute plans to keep me busy. I look at the challenge of getting away to cheat like the movie, Shawshank Redemption. You have to chisel your way out, one bar at a time!”
Never Satisfied: Do Men Know What They Want? Page 3