by John O'Bryan
ALSO KNOWN AS: Yue ya chan (crescent moon spade)
USED BY: Taoist and Buddhist monks, particularly in Shaolin
EVOLVED FROM: Fang bian chan (earlier version without the crescent blade)
ADVANTAGES: Reach; can slash victim’s throat from a distance
DISADVANTAGES: If Buddhist, wielder is required to bury his/her victims after slashing their throats
ROPE DART & METEOR HAMMER These two rope weapons are sometimes called soft weapons, though getting flogged with them probably doesn’t feel like a hug from the Snuggle bear. In fact, the weights at the ends of them are capable of breaking skulls and sternums, making the rope dart and meteor hammer every bit as deadly as any other blunt force weapon. The meteor hammer is sort of the rope dart’s bigger cousin. It’s neither a meteor nor a hammer, but who has time to ponder the misnomer when you’re being bludgeoned by the heavy metal balls on the ends of this thing? The rope dart was developed in the Warring States Period, circa 400 BCE. Its weight is smaller than that of the meteor hammer, but it’s pointed, allowing it to slash and pierce as well as bludgeon. They’re both swung in rapid circles—much like a sling or a bola—then flung at the enemy with tremendous speed. They can attack around shields. They can also be used to strangle an enemy or snatch weapons from his hand. And since they are “soft,” these weapons can be folded and stowed anywhere on your person for convenience and secrecy. However, it should be noted that these were typically used as secondary weapons on the battlefield, drawn only if one’s primary weapon had been lost or destroyed. It should also be noted that all “soft weapons” are difficult to use and should only be studied under the tutelage of a professional. If you break your face with a meteor hammer, don’t come trying to sue me.
DATE OF ORIGIN: 400 BCE
PRECURSOR TO: Chain whip
ADVANTAGES: Easily concealed, circular movement ideal for striking around shields
DISADVANTAGES: Hard to master, can break user’s face
CHAIN WHIP (NINE-SECOND WHIP) Believe it or not, not all Chinese people are proficient with a nine-section chain whip. I know what you’re thinking: “Why the hell not?!” Well, like the other soft weapons, it takes years of training to wield a chain whip without maiming yourself. And you have to be in wicked good cardiovascular shape too, as the weapon must be kept in constant motion to be effective. The chain whip is constructed with a weighted point on the end, much like its rope predecessors. It’s also spun in violent circles like its predecessors. But unlike its rope cousins, the chain whip is made entirely of metal, so the wielder is sure to feel his or her mistakes even more. A speeding chain whip will not only break your face, it can rip it clean off your skull, giving you added incentive to use it correctly. So the warning issued for the rope dart goes double for this weapon: Do not use without professional training. Once you’ve joined a proper dojo and are ready to begin training, don’t go ripping the flags off your chain whip. They not only look pretty, they serve the practical purpose of balancing the weapon and making it easier to wield. Plus, they make a cool noise, not unlike a miniature helicopter. Now that I think about it, I’m going to play with one of these the first chance I get, professional training be damned.
DATE OF ORIGIN: Jin dynasty (265–420 CE)
BIRTHPLACE: Shaolin, China
ALSO AVAILABLE: Three- and seven-section chain whips
ADVANTAGES: Makes cool sound; great for getting in shape; can rip enemy’s face off
DISADVANTAGES: Makes a lot of noise; user must be in great shape; can rip user’s face off
CHU-KO-NU (REPEATING CROSSBOW) Are you tired of constantly reloading your crossbow? Well, now there’s a better way! As we discussed previously, crossbows were kickass. But the problem was always the same: after firing a shot, the wielder would have to stop in the middle of a fight, completely vulnerable as he fumbled to draw another bolt from his quiver. Then, hands trembling from adrenaline, he would have to place the bolt into its track, pull the drawstring back, and pull the trigger. And all of these steps had to be repeated after every single shot, making these crossbowmen sitting ducks on the battlefield. The Chinese, inventive bastards that they were, developed a solution: the chu-ko-nu, the world’s first repeating crossbow. The cartridge on the top could hold arrows. With the pump of a lever, a new arrow was dropped from the cartridge after every shot, ensuring that the wielder was never left defenseless (for ten shots anyway). While traditional bows were all about placing carefully selected shots, the chu-ko-nu could rattle off about one shot every two seconds, raining down a shitstorm of indiscriminate crossbow fire that would scare the Fu Manchu right off the enemy. Though most of the shots wouldn’t penetrate armor, one couldn’t argue with the result—a thousand weak shots were more terrifying and more demoralizing than ten well-placed arrows from a composite bow. This power in quantity made the chu-ko-nu perfect for defending a city, scattering a charging battalion, or just impressing your friends on a Friday night.
DATE OF ORIGIN: 200 CE
INVENTED BY: Renowned battle strategist Zhuge Liang
DISADVANTAGES: Lack of power; won’t penetrate armor; inaccurate
ADVANTAGES: Volume. Accurate enough to hit a horse.
ALSO AVAILABLE: Double-barrel chu-ko-nu (no shit!)
EMEI PIERCERS Pretend you’re an assassin. You’re moving under cover of night, and your target just so happens to be surrounded by a protective moat. You’re going to have to swim to get close, and your favorite halberd is going to seriously weigh you down in the water. There’s only one weapon that’s both effective and small enough to hold in your hands while swimming. The emei piercers, or twirling arrows of death, as I like to call them, were specifically designed for use in the water. Their streamlined shape causes minimal drag, allowing the assassin to swim normally, then leap from the water and strike his blow. The needles are often worn in pairs, with the user’s middle finger inside the ring. The dagger pivots on the ring and can be spun very fast to baffle or confuse the enemy before striking. Once the arrow stops spinning, the warrior thrusts one of its tips into an enemy’s pressure points or vital areas (e.g., temple, throat, heart, eyes, anything else he might need in a fight). Then the attacker disappears into the water and swims away like a bloodthirsty angelfish.
DATE OF ORIGIN: 900 CE (possibly)
BIRTHPLACE: Mount Emei (Sichuan Province, China)
ALSO KNOWN AS: Emeici, emei daggers, ba gua needles
SIMILAR TO: Dark judge brushes, judge’s pens
THREE-SECTION STAFF This mean piece of lumber was invented by Zhao Kuangyin, before he became the first emperor of the Song dynasty. Zhao was a respected martial artist who worked as a bodyguard.L One day, while accompanying a wealthy client, his party was attacked by bandits.L Zhao cracked one of the robbers over the head with his staff, breaking the weapon clean in two.L Rather than buying a new staff like a normal person, he commissioned a blacksmith to connect the broken pieces with metal fittings and a chain.L He would later break one of the two remaining pieces again, forcing him to connect this third piece of wood with another chain.LL Some people just can’t throw anything away. Like other flexible weapons, this is a difficult (and painful) one to master. Students typically learn by injuring themselves in training, causing them to modify their technique or break their hands. But the three-section staff is rewarding, allowing attacks from various ranges. It can be swung at full extension for a broad, sweeping attack that keeps multiple opponents away. It can be swung with two sections for a midrange assault. But the best use of this weapon may be its close-range function: the middle section crosses the user’s abdomen while the other two are wielded in separate hands. Power is generated from the torso, with the staff whipping around the body like a Chinese hand drum. Perhaps Zhao Kuangyin was not as full of shit as he sounds.
DATE OF ORIGIN: 950-ish CEL
PRECURSOR TO: Nunchaku
INVENTED BY: Zhao Kuangyin, who was a dedicated husband, bodyguard, martial artist, Confucian philosopher,
military officer, emperor, inventor of weapons, and godL
L = Legend
Calling Bullshit
THE FLYING GUILLOTINE
Introduced to the masses in the 1970s kung fu film Master of the Flying Guillotine, this weapon has captivated the imaginations of martial arts nerds for decades. In the film, a blind warrior wields a device that looks something like a beekeeper’s mask. He throws it around the head of his victims, then pulls on a cord that causes a scissor-like blade in the mask to instantly decapitate his foe. Sure, the film is campy and in many ways terrible, but it forever changed the way fantasy geeks think about ranged weaponry. So what became of the flying guillotine? Why isn’t everyone using it nowadays? Unfortunately, this beheading bad boy is a myth. Modern recreations have proven the flying guillotine was probably impossible to use in combat—or even in point-blank assassinations. Its range is poor. Its accuracy is suspect. Its construction is ridiculously convoluted. And the instant decapitation? Well, that’s not so instant. And on the field of battle, anything less than instant is a ticket to your own graveyard. That’s not to say the flying guillotine was never made and used to terrify people. I’m getting scared just writing about it. Now I’m starting to regret calling it a myth. Please don’t kill me, flying guillotine.
SHAOLIN BUTTERFLY SWORDS
The Buddha Fights Back
Like most monks, those of the ancient Shaolin temple were pretty religious. The tenets of their religion taught them the notion that murder was wrong. Even though the monks abhorred violence, they constantly found their temples being invaded, pillaged, and burned to the ground. This constant tragedy forced them to reexamine the whole “avoid killing or harming any living thing” deal. The Shaolin order developed an extensive system of martial arts, all the while insisting that its practitioners use only the minimum amount of force necessary to defend themselves. Sometimes this meant a simple wrist-lock on the aggressor; sometimes it meant planting a foot in his scrotum and sending his testes on a vacation to his abdominal cavity. Eventually, a vast array of quasi-lethal weapons were invented to suit this pacifist ethos, none more exemplary than the butterfly swords. These were peculiar blades. In fact, they were originally not really blades at all, but largely blunt weapons that were designed to disarm, parry, and defend—not to kill. The butterfly swords were typically wielded in pairs, one in each hand, twirled about the wielder’s body so rapidly that they resembled butterfly wings (hence the name). The guard on the handle served as a knuckle-duster, for delivering nonlethal punches. The tip was completely dull, as was most of the edge. Only a three-inch section of the sword’s edge was sharpened for cutting. This allowed the monks to disable an enemy by severing his tendons. Sure, the foe was humiliated, maimed, and crippled, but he usually lived to tell the rest of the world not to fuck with the Shaolin crew.
TIGER HEAD HOOK SWORDS There aren’t too many swords that look more menacing than the hook sword. And the hook sword backs up its fearsome reputation, too. The hook on its tip can grapple or snatch weapons from foes. The sharp point on the other end of the sword acts as a dagger (be careful not to cut your own hand off with this!). The crescent blade on the hand guard can block or slice at close range. The long edge of the weapon can hack right through a person’s limbs. And the built-in kettle can brew up a hot cup of jasmine tea. Okay, so that last part isn’t true, but that still leaves four useful tools packed into one wicked weapon. And if four blades weren’t enough, the hook swords can be used in pairs, giving the wielder a total of eight weapons in his two little hands. Dual hook swords can also be attached and swung as one long blade, scaring the shit out of whomever has the misfortune to be standing across from it. Having said all this, the hook swords can be slightly inconvenient. Good luck finding scabbards that fit them. And good luck getting your wife to let you hang them on the wall.
EASE OF USE: (extensive training required just to keep from cutting your own hands off)
OTHER NAMES: Gou, fu tao
USED IN: Northern Shaolin schools
ADVANTAGES: Versatile and deadly; a Chinese Swiss Army knife that can kill you
DISADVANTAGES: Impossible to sheathe, really clutters up your backpack
INDIA
KHANDA If the ancient Chinese considered the jian to be the gentleman’s sword, then the Indian khanda was surely the man’s sword. Sturdy, heavy, and sometimes wielded with both hands, the khanda was the very essence of Indian manliness forged into one shining piece of wootz steel. Its blunt tip made it virtually impossible to thrust with, but that hardly seemed to matter. The khanda’s two long, sharp edges were sometimes serrated for extra carnage. This, combined with the slight flare at the end of the blade, made the sword perfect for serious chopping. The Rajput warriors of ancient India swung this impressive man-blade over their heads in battle, daring anyone to step within reach. In the event that someone did get inside the khanda’s effective range, the wielder could use the spike on the bottom of the hilt for stabbing in close quarters. No wonder the khanda was eventually incorporated in the religious symbols of the Sikh religion. Nothing says “I follow the message of God” like a broadsword that can send someone to meet Him.
EASE OF USE: (some strength required)
DATE OF ORIGIN: 300–600 CE
MADE FAMOUS BY: Rajput and Sikh warriors
ADVANTAGES: Major hacking power
DISADVANTAGES: Heavy, cumbersome; wielder must have deltoids the size of elephant nuts
KATAR Ever wish there were a steel sword attached to your fist that would stab everything you punched? Of course you have. Fortunately, you can make that dream a reality. All you have to do is travel back in time to ancient India and pick up a katar—the Indian “punch dagger.” The katar was a truly wonderful, strange, uniquely Indian weapon not found in any other part of the world. Apparently no other culture on Earth thought to design a punching sword. This is puzzling, too, when you see what the katar can do to light chain mail. Since the thrusts are performed by “punching” the katar directly toward its target, the wielder is able to generate much more power behind each stab. This allows for deeper wounds and easy penetration of light armor. The two bars on the sides of the grips offer protection, ensuring that the wielder’s hand isn’t chopped off by a counterattack. The katar was typically used by nobility, some of whom hunted tigers with the weapon just to prove their nutsack. Some of the later models had an added feature—squeeze the handles together, and two additional blades pop out from the sides of the weapon. There’s no telling if these extra novelty blades would hold up in combat, but that’s not really the point. The triple-bladed katar lets everyone know that you are thrice as rad as the average Rajput.
BIRTHPLACE: Southernmost India
OTHER NAMES: Katara, bundi dagger
ADVANTAGES: Cool, different, can punch through chain mail!
DISADVANTAGES: Possibility of wrist injury
EVOLVED FROM: Knuckle duster (vajra mushti)
PRECURSOR TO: Pata (Indian gauntlet sword), Wolverine’s adamantium claws
URUMI The urumi is, without a doubt, one of the strangest and most interesting weapons ever devised by human beings. This exotic Indian blade is little more than a flimsy piece of band saw that the wielder swings around his body like a chain whip. Watching someone who’s skilled with the urumi is a little like watching someone who’s really good at playing five-finger fillet. You keep expecting the guy to seriously injure himself, but somehow he manages to keep pulling off the trick without losing a finger. That said, the urumi is still extremely dangerous to the user. It’s one of the very last weapons taught in the Indian martial art of kalaripayattu, as the wielder must have great coordination and concentration just to keep from slicing his or her own face off while learning it. But if you ever need the edge of a straight razor combined with the flexibility of a bullwhip, and you’ve got years of free time to master the entire art of kalaripayattu, then the urumi might just be the weapon for you. Why did anyone ever bother with this exotic whi
p sword? The urumi’s wide, sweeping attack protects the wielder’s entire circumference, making it ideal for fending off multiple attackers. At the very least it makes them pause and wonder, “What the fuck is that thing?!” The urumi is ideal for women, as it relies on finesse and dexterity more than size or strength. At one point, the people of southern India preferred to use the urumi in settling personal disputes, since thrusting swords were not permitted in duels. And believe me—there’s nothing like two angry, drunk Indians swinging band saws at each other outside the bar on Saturday night.
EASE OF USE: (you’ll shoot your eye out)
BIRTHPLACE: Southern India
OTHER NAMES: Chuttuval (“coiled sword”), aara
ADVANTAGES: Can fend off multiple attackers; can be worn as a belt
DISADVANTAGES: Extremely difficult to use; worthless against armor
USER REVIEWS: “Fuck! I just cut myself!”
HALADIE Sometimes a warrior needs more than just one dagger. Sometimes he needs two daggers. And sometimes he needs those two daggers to be joined by the same handle with a knife coming out both sides of his fist. This is when he reaches for a haladie—the ancient “double-dagger” of the Rajputs. Indo-Persian daggers came in a variety of curves, waves, recurves, undulations, and bifurcations, and the double-bladed haladie has twice as many. The dual blade accomplishes two things: (1) it looks twice as badass, and (2) it gives the wielder twice as much stabbing potential. After a forward stab with one side of the haladie, the warrior can thrust the other blade with a backhand—and without having to reposition the weapon as one would with a traditional dagger. This allows the warrior to become a perpetual stabbing machine without ever having to stop and adjust. And as if that weren’t awesome enough, some haladies are even crafted with a third blade protruding from the grip, making it three times as awesome! But why stop there? One can only pray for the day when a fifty-bladed haladie is invented in India. It wouldn’t even need a handle—just kick it with your foot toward the enemy!