by John O'Bryan
IN THIS CORNER: SAMURAI
Sometime around the eighth century CE, Japan’s wealthy elite decided they were not wealthy and elite enough to solve the country’s problems. The ruling landowners needed tax revenue, and they needed someone to collect it. Two prominent clans—the Taira and the Minamoto—began to draft soldiers to serve as law enforcement. These were essentially the first samurai. Their ranks would grow as more and more rich fucks hired samurai to fight someone else’s samurai. Even though they stomped nuts all over Japan, samurai were ostensibly bound by a strict code of ethics called bushido. The primary tenet was loyalty to one’s master. A samurai would rather die than see his master disgraced. In fact, dying was expected. This meant the warrior needed to overcome his fear of death by constantly meditating on the prospect of meeting his demise. On the other hand, the samurai also knew that he was an untouchable one-man wrecking crew, and that the odds of someone else cutting him down in battle were slim to none.
KATANA It may not look like much to the desensitized youth of today. Let’s face it—the katana is one of the weakest weapons in the Grand Theft Auto games. But believe this: The katana was a killing machine in its time—the Cadillac of bladed weapons. Perhaps the finest sword ever created without divine intervention. What made the katana so special? Speed. As battles were increasingly fought in tight quarters, combat became faster. Blades became lighter and sleeker. A katana had to be drawn and cut a man in half in one fell swoop. Any time a new blade was forged, it had to pass this test. In fact, the biggest jerks in the samurai community would wander around town, looking for some hapless peasant to be their test subject. If the sword was able to behead the peasant and still retain its edge, it was considered a fine weapon. If it broke or became dull, it went back to the blacksmith. Forging was a complicated and highly ritualized process that involved several artisans. Most importantly, it involved heating and folding reinforced steel many times over. The more times the steel was folded, the stronger—and purer—it would become. Steel with high carbon content was harder and kept its edge but was more likely to break. Steel with small amounts of carbon was more malleable—less likely to break but more likely to bend. The Japanese learned to use the harder steel for the edge of the sword, and the softer steel for the core, resulting in the perfect flesh-cleaving utensil. The katana was the hottest knife of all, and anyone not clad in heavy armor was warm butter.
EASE OF USE: (complicated footwork to learn)
PEAK ERA: Sengoku period (mid-fifteenth to early seventeenth centuries), when the Japanese fought each other like rabid snow monkeys
USED WITH: Wakizashi (see page 131) or tanto
EVOLVED FROM: Japanese tachi, which was slightly larger and curvier
BEST DEFENSE: Remain indoors anytime a samurai gets a new katana
NAGINATA Half spear. Half saber. All badass. The naginata was one of the oldest arms of the samurai. Early prototypes date back to the eighth century CE, when it was possibly invented by warrior-monks called sohei. The monks didn’t have the luxury of horses, so they needed something to counter the cavalry that was constantly stomping holes in their temples. As the monks discovered, if you needed a really long sword to chop some horsemen down, the naginata wasn’t a bad choice. You could plant the butt of the weapon in the ground, point the blade at the horse as it’s galloping in, and blammo—massive horse wreck. The naginata gave its warrior a sizable reach advantage without weighing him or her down like the Ōdachi, a ridiculously oversized broad sword. This also made the naginata a favorite among Japanese women, who finally had an answer to all those marauding man-bullies who had pushed them around for so many centuries. The naginata was so widely used by women it eventually became known as the woman’s spear—able to cut down thieves and rapists without the lady ever having to come near them. It was handed down from mother to daughter as an heirloom, so that even little girls could kick your ass with a naginata.
SIZE: Typically between five and eight feet long
USED BY: Women, samurai, and sohei, primarily from the tenth through sixteenth centuries
EVOLVED FROM: Possibly from the Chinese kwan dao, possibly from a farming utensil, possibly invented by sohei monks
EFFECTIVE AGAINST: Horses, rapists, and horse-rapists
WAKIZASHI Let’s be honest: some weapons get all the glory, and some weapons do all the dirty work. The wakizashi is the latter: a sidearm, always living in the shadow of its big brother the katana, and never getting the limelight. Together, the katana and wakizashi form the daishō of the samurai—one big sword and one little sword. But the katana was always the prima donna of the two. It was far too precious for the samurai to use on anything other than battle, out of fear of damaging it. Any sort of menial work—such as cutting off the head of a dead opponent, committing seppuku, or chopping up dead whales—was considered beneath the katana. That’s where the wakizashi came in. To be fair, L’il Wak did see its fair share of indoor fighting. For one, it was considered offensive for a samurai to wear his katana indoors, but wearing the smaller wakizashi was completely kosher. So there were times (while the katana was waiting outside, signing autographs) that a fight would break out and a samurai would have to use the wak to gut somebody. It was even better to use the wakizashi in some circumstances, the tight space of Japanese living quarters being one. But for the most part, the wakizashi was always the Oates to the katana’s Hall.
DATE OF ORIGIN: Between 1332 and 1369
USED WITH: Katana
SIMILAR TO: Tanto, an even smaller knife that sometimes accompanied the katana
USED FOR: Indoor fighting; seppuku; decapitating opponents; murdering sea urchins
TESSEN Don’t be fooled. The tessen may look like an ordinary Japanese folding fan, but it’s been used as a secret surprise weapon for centuries. Seriously. The cloth of the tessen usually conceals hard iron strips that, when folded, make a small handheld club that can knock you out cold. Others have the tips of the iron ribs sharpened, with the open fan acting as a graceful artery-slicing razor in the right hands. Why the need for this gentility and cuteness? Simple: when a samurai is barred from taking his katana inside a building, he keeps the tessen in his belt, knowing that he’s always got a backup plan if shit gets hairy. I mean, who’s going to tell him he can’t have a fan? Remarkable as it may sound, this deadly samurai surprise has saved more than a few lives. One Takeda Shingen used a war fan to deflect the sword of a rival commander who had broken into his tent to assassinate him. So next time your host asks you to remove all your weapons before entering his house, remember to keep your tessen in your belt.
BIRTHPLACE: China
ALSO USED TO: Signal troops, deflect arrows
MADE FAMOUS BY: Samurai; that chick from Mortal Kombat; the Kyoshi warriors from Avatar: The Last Airbender
ADVANTAGES: Secret James Bond–style sneak attack! Can save your life in a pinch.
DISADVANTAGES: Won’t penetrate armor; obvious limitations against hardcore weapons; makes you look like a big lady
KAKUTE Believe it or not, sometimes a samurai doesn’t want to kill someone. Sometimes a quick, sharp, stabbing sensation in the pressure points is all that is needed to silence an unruly peasant. This is what the kakute was made for. Worn on the middle or index finger, sometimes with a second one on the thumb, the kakute was applied to the wrist, hands, or throat of a criminal—not to injure, but to subdue. It’s much like the firm pinch a stern mother would give a misbehaving child. Though the pain of the kakute’s spikes in a criminal’s wrist was normally enough to make him shape up, the samurai could take the weapon a step further if he wanted to. Turn the kakute around, and you’ve got a nasty spiked knuckle-duster ring to pummel somebody with. Now even the wimpiest limp-wristed slaps turn into bruising body blows. Try this on your big brother next time he gives you a “titty twister.”
EASE OF USE: (some knowledge of pressure points required)
OTHER NAMES: Kakushu (“horned jewel”); kakushi (“horned finger”)
ADVANTAGES: Concealable, nonlethal
DISADVANTAGES: Nonlethal
FUN FACT: Ninja use these too, so don’t get cocky
IN THIS CORNER: THE SHINOBI (OR NINJA)
While the samurai were the nobility of feudal Japan, the ninja had their roots in the peasant class. If samurai were the paragon of honor and bravery in the face of death, then ninja were the dirty, lowdown, get-out-alive-at-all-costs types. While the samurai thrived on honor and glory, ninja thrived on people not knowing they existed. And in that, the ninja succeeded, because the truth is we don’t have a lot of historical documentation of ninja activities. In fact, the very existence of ninja is somewhat difficult to prove, which is exactly the way the ninja would want it. You could say the surest proof that ninja exist is the fact that there’s no proof of them existing!
The mystery surrounding the ninja may be due to the strict secrecy of their trade. It could also be the Japanese didn’t consider them worth writing about. Ninja practiced espionage, infiltration, and secret assassination—subversive activities that were seen as shameful by the Japanese. But the ninja had to operate this way. If they faced a samurai in an open, honorable fight, they’d be hacked up and eaten with sticky rice. The only way a ninja was going to take out a samurai was if he decapitated him in his sleep. This required some highly specialized weapons.
SHURIKEN Historically, these weapons were used by ninja in surprise attacks. Today they’re most commonly used by unsupervised children who inadvertently send a friend to the emergency room. Shuriken could be any number of small, bladed weapons used for stabbing or throwing. They were originally carved from everyday items, such as coins, carpentry tools, and washers. But the most famous shuriken is the hira, or “throwing star,” as it’s known to uncultured Westerners. Though the novelty of a thrown weapon might give the attacker an edge of surprise, the shuriken should never be one’s primary weapon in a fight to the death. If your opponent is wielding a katana and you come at him with nothing but a shuriken, your ass will be torn up like a parking ticket. The shuriken was never intended to act as a “kill” weapon. It’s more of a screening weapon, like the jab of a pugilist. The ninja would use the distraction of the shuriken as an opportunity to flee, or possibly as a chance to move in with a more serious weapon, like one of those new Chinese bombs.
LITERALLY MEANS: “Sword hidden in the hand”
VARIATIONS: Bo-shuriken—a spike-shaped dart
ADVANTAGES: Good for distraction and escaping
DISADVANTAGES: Isn’t going to kill anybody
SHOKU A ninja without shoku is like a hawk without wings. That’s an ancient Japanese proverb that I just made up. When you witness the versatility and effectiveness of the shoku, you’ll know exactly what I mean. The ninja used these spiked hand wraps to scale trees and other wooden structures. The shoku’s curved claws would sink easily into wood to maintain the grip of even the fattest ninja. If while on his mission the ninja found himself face to face with an unexpected adversary, he already had a concealed weapon in his palms. He could use the shoku to slash, stab, or bludgeon his opponent, and he could even use it to catch his enemy’s sword in midstrike. Some of the denser samurai mistakenly believed these ninja were catching sword blades with their bare hands. Ninja who wanted a matching set of spikes could save up their yen for some ashiko foot spikes. Then they’d have twice as much climbing power and twice as many ways to punch holes in their enemies. And if you aren’t completely sold on the shoku yet, it can also be used in practical jokes. Just shake a friend’s hand, and the shoku acts as a joy buzzer—only instead of buzzing, it severs metacarpal ligaments. Hilarious!
USED WITH: Ashiko (foot spikes)
ADVANTAGES: Can be used to climb trees and wooden structures; can be hidden in palm to use as a concealed weapon; can catch sword blades
DISADVANTAGES: Attempting to catch sword blades with the shoku can cause ninja to lose a hand if he has not been trained in this technique
KUSARI-GAMA At some point, some ancient martial arts whiz figured out how to make the farming sickle even deadlier. Just attach a weighted chain to the handle and voilà—you have the kusari-gama. This would become one of the quintessential ninja weapons, a nice foil to a samurai’s katana. Just use the weighted chain to entangle the opponent’s sword or spear, then hack that clown to pieces with the sickle. You could also swing the sickle by the chain if you needed extra reach. You could even surprise the enemy by parrying with the sickle and belting him in the face with the weight. Just make sure you have plenty of open space to swing the chain. One notorious kusari-gama failure involved Yamada Shinryukan, a renowned kusari-gamist who was known for using the weapon to kill swordsmen. While engaged in a duel with an adversary, Yamada was led into a bamboo thicket only to find out he had no room to swing the chain of his kusarigama. Unable to trap his foe’s sword, Yamada was thoroughly screwed. His weapon was worthless in this setting. He was killed in the bamboo thicket, serving as an important reminder that home field advantage is everything.
EASE OF USE: (exotic and confusing to everyone not trained in ninjutsu)
ADVANTAGES: Surprising, versatile; can deal blunt damage, slashing damage, or strangulation
DISADVANTAGES: Needs ample space to be effective
SIMILAR TO: The kama, an Okinawan sickle weapon; the manrikigusari, a chain weapon with a weight on each end
BEST DEFENSE: Always have lots of bamboo around
METSUBISHI Not to be confused with the Japanese car of almost the same name, the metsubishi was one of the most deceptively effective weapons of the ninja. The word literally means “to crush the eye,” and for all intents and purposes, it did exactly that. Metsubishi was a blinding powder, traditionally made of irritants like crushed pepper, salt, sand, ashes, broken glass, or iron filings. It was typically blown into the enemy’s eyes via a hollow tube, thrown with the hands, or flung from the scabbard of a sword. Once the substance was dispensed into the eyes of the target, the ninja had a couple of valuable seconds to strike (or make a getaway) before the victim regained his or her sight. In a pinch, the ninja could forego the formality of prepared substances and grab anything nearby, such as a handful of dirt or an angry cat. Actually, throwing a cat at someone’s eyes is probably more effective than traditional metsubishi. Use that instead!
EASE OF USE:
OTHER NAMES: “Ninja mace”
USED WITH: Hollow tube, hollow wooden box, sword scabbard
ADVANTAGES: Will stall one’s enemy for a couple of seconds
DISADVANTAGES: Enemy will probably be very angry, so it’s best to disappear before sight is recovered
FUKIYA This blowgun is one of the simplest pieces of ninja weaponry. Just coat a few darts in your favorite poison or tranquilizer, load them into the reed, and hide in some bushes. Then comes the hard part of any sniper mission: sitting still and waiting for your enemy to get close. And with the poor range of the fukiya, you may have to wait a while. But the good thing about this particular weapon is it doubles as a snorkel. You can plant yourself in a nearby pond or moat and wait all damn night if need be. (But seriously, don’t wait all night. You’ll be covered in mosquito bites.) Once your enemy is within comfortable blowgun range, it’s time to ready your weapon. Take a deep breath, steady your aim, and let loose with a big exhale. If your poison is strong enough, this might be enough to take out the target right away. But most likely you’ll be using this as a distraction—like the shuriken—so while your enemy is dealing with the dart in his neck, it’s best to rush in and finish the job with your sword. You did remember to pack a sword, right?
ADVANTAGES: Fukiya is a legitimate archery sport in Japan, so if your career as a ninja falls through, you can always fall back on that
DISADVANTAGES: You probably won’t kill anyone with the fukiya, unless you dip your darts in anthrax. And even then, it will probably take a couple of days.
ALSO USED AS: Snorkel, flute
NEKO-TE Female ninja, or kunoichi,
were trained somewhat differently from their male counterparts. They used their gender to their advantage, often dressing as geishas, prostitutes, and performers. They relied heavily on impersonation skills and seductive prowess—like a deadly combination of Rich Little and Sharon Stone. These feminine wiles afforded the kunoichi easy access to places that the male ninja couldn’t go (such as, ahem . . . bedrooms). As a result, these lady ninja tended to specialize in poisons and shurikens, keeping their distance and avoiding detection whenever possible. If a kunoichi’s cover was blown and things did get physical, the female ninja relied heavily on neko-te, or “cat hands.” Worn on the fingertips, the neko-te could be used as a last resort to attack the soft spots of an enemy—like the crotch and eyes—before getting the fuck out of Dodge.
USED BY: Kunoichi (female ninja)
USED WITH: Feminine wiles
MADE FAMOUS BY: That evil mutant chick from X-Men 2
USER REVIEWS: “I thought I was being a pretty convincing prostitute, but he found out I was a ninja, so I gouged him with my neko-te and got the hell out of there.”