by John O'Bryan
GUNSTOCK CLUB The Native Americans already had an impressive arsenal of clubs before the Europeans arrived. The ballheaded club was a juggernaut of a head-cracker that was said to be strong enough to knock men’s brains out. Then with the arrival of the colonial musket came the inspiration for the gunstock club. One can only assume the Native Americans observed the Europeans using the butts of their guns as bludgeoning weapons and thought, “Holy crap. How come we can’t make one of those?” The natives went right to work, tossing aside their outmoded ballheaded clubs and fashioning wooden clubs in the form of these musket butts. Some of the more clever artisans affixed a flint, bone, or iron blade to the club, allowing for stabbing attacks as well as clubbing. And unlike the stock of a real musket, it wouldn’t fall apart after two whacks. If attacked by an angry Lakota with a gunstock club, your best defense was to run until you found a real gun.
EASE OF USE:
DATE OF ORIGIN: 1600s
EVOLVED FROM: Ballheaded clubs, which were already plenty effective
INSPIRED BY: European musket design
MADE OBSOLETE BY: Gunstocks with guns attached
POLYNESIA
LEI O MANO CLUB At the risk of generalizing, let it be known that Hawaiians love a good scrap. Centuries ago they developed their own martial art known as lua and came up with some bitchin’ weapons to go along with it. One of the most infamous was the shark-tooth weapon, or lei o mano. The most well-known of these was the lei o mano war club. If you could swing a shark by its tail and beat someone with it, you’d have captured the essence of this weapon. Made from a large oval-shaped chunk of koa hardwood, the lei o mano club would be brutally effective without the addition of shark’s teeth. But those nasty bits of barbed calcium are what made this simple war club into a primitive chain saw—and it didn’t even require gasoline. All a Koa warrior had to do was land the toothed edge anywhere on the opponent’s body and let the chompers of nature’s premier aquatic predator do their work. Not only are shark teeth sharp, but they’re also slightly hooked to keep prey from escaping their grip. When dragged across human flesh, they definitely leave marks. And when driven by the inertia of the heavy Koa club, they devastate. It’s not uncommon for the teeth to become dislodged in a victim. Getting beaten by a shark-tooth club was probably second only to being eaten by an actual shark.
VARIATIONS: Hoe lei o mano (shark-tooth oar); ku’eku’e lei o mano (shark-tooth knuckle-duster)
ADVANTAGES: Like a Stone Age chain saw; club is effective as a blunt instrument even without the teeth
DISADVANTAGES: Teeth can fall out on contact (still leaving the warrior with an effective albeit toothless hardwood club); angry sharks might pursue user to ends of the Earth
MAKA PAHOA KO’OKO’O This big wooden fork is not made for eating. It’s the “pronged spear” of the Hawaiian Koas. In fact, the prongs on this spear are spaced just far enough apart to do lots of mean things. They can immobilize the opponent’s weapon. They can be used to pin his arms and legs to the ground. They can be jammed around the neck for some serious windpipe damage. But most insidiously, the maka pahoa ko’oko’o can be used to gouge out the eyes of one’s enemy. And if you’re in a hurry and just want to go home and get to bed on time, you can finish your opponent with the sharp spike on its other end. Aloha, mf’er.
USED BY: Hawaiian Koa practitioners
ALSO AVAILABLE: Maka pahoa lua, the compact “pronged dagger” that fits in your purse
USER REVIEWS: “Can somebody pull these eyeballs off my maka pahoa ko’oko’o?”
TOKI The adze is an obscure wood-chipping tool known only to Old English carpenters and Scrabble players. Apparently, the Maoris of ancient New Zealand thought up the adze too, and as far as I know, they’re the only people in history who made it into a weapon. The toki—or “Maori fighting adze”—was a rarity on the battlefields of Oceania. It was typically a status symbol, worn only by tribal leaders. But if need be, it could be used in wartime executions. Its chiseled greenstone blade was the perfect instrument for lobotomizing enemy islanders, particularly if said enemy was already knocked down by a more substantial weapon. (Think of the toki as the Maori equivalent of the medieval knight’s “mercy dagger” [see page 148], except with a perpendicular blade.) If you were captured by the Maoris in battle, execution by toki was considered an honorable way to go. Hey, it beats slavery.
ALSO CALLED: Maori fighting adze
USED BY: Maori leaders
USED ON: Wounded warriors; respected prisoners of war
FUN FACT: Just as a carpenter’s adze was used for hollowing out timber, a Maori adze was used for hollowing out skulls
STINGRAY BARBS Early on in the history of Pacific migration, some unlucky islander was the very first person to accidentally step on a stingray. One can imagine the stream of obscenities that came from that person’s mouth as he began to realize his foot was impaled by a twelve-inch barb. After the person’s friends helped him or her remove the barb, they must have started thinking, “Hey, I wonder if we could make that into a knife.” And that’s exactly what they did. The Oceanic islanders began using the painful barbed spine of the stingray to their own advantage, using it as a dagger blade or bundling several together to make a spear tip. Suddenly, these warriors of the South Pacific could turn opposing armies into an entire field of Steve Irwins. Once thrust into an enemy warrior, the stingray barb began to serve its natural purpose. It would easily break off in the wound, requiring careful removal. Suffice to say, if the target wasn’t killed immediately, he at least had something on his mind for the rest of the fight. Such as “I hope to God our village surgeon is still alive.”
DATE OF ORIGIN: A really, really long time ago
USED BY: Pacific Islanders, Australian aborigines, possibly Mesoamericans
ADVANTAGES: Breaks into tiny splinters once imbedded in target
DISADVANTAGES: Can only be used once
FAMOUS VICTIMS: Odysseus, whose son killed him with a stingray spear; “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin
FUN FACT: If you find yourself stabbed by a stingray barb, science recommends you apply hot water to the wound. If the barb breaks off in the wound, science says you should go to a hospital for surgery. Never attempt to remove the barb yourself.
AFRICA
NGOMBE EXECUTION SWORD Unlike most Native Americans and Polynesians, the ancient Africans did have metal. And they used it to make crazy-ass swords like the Ngombe execution sword. It’s difficult to determine any practical application of this blade just from looking at it. Some historians say these swords were simply status symbols with no utilitarian function (bo-ring!). But others claim the Ngombe blade had a much more sinister purpose. European explorers often gave detailed—perhaps exaggerated—accounts of Congolese savages beheading prisoners with this sword. One harrowing piece of art shows a wide-eyed prisoner, arms bound to a chair, having his chin lifted by a rope collar as an executioner winds up to deliver his decapitating blow. Whether this scene was fictional or not, it contributed to the substantial mythos of the Ngombe sword, planting it firmly in the nightmares of visiting colonialists.
USED BY: Ngombe people of the Congo
ADVANTAGES: People assume wielder is either crazy or a tribal leader (either can be used to your advantage); can possibly behead people
DISADVANTAGES: Heavy; good luck lugging that around all day in the jungle
KPINGA At the risk of sounding like a five-year-old, the kpinga might be the most awesomely rad weapon ever created. It’s so cool that you can’t stare directly at it without suffering an involuntary bowel movement. As a matter of fact, if you even think about the kpinga, it will feel your thoughts and fly at your face like a primitive heat-seeking buzz saw. Over the centuries, Africa has seen its share of awesomely rad throwing knives. Many of them feature multiple blades. This guarantees that when you throw the knife, it can land on any side and still stab the shit out of somebody. It also means that when the knife hits an enemy’s shield, it has a te
ndency to rotate around the shield and kill its target anyway. And if it doesn’t kill its target, the knife will probably kill one of the target’s buddies. (And if it doesn’t do that, it will surely cause great distress among the enemy.) This is why early European explorers described these blades as thunderbolts that glistened in the sun and hummed through the air at their terrified prey. Some are even crafted to look like bird heads, so that while the victim is being murdered, he thinks he’s being devoured by cockatoos. Alfred Hitchcock wishes he’d thought of this.
DATE OF ORIGIN: Uncertain, probably no later than the 1600s
USED BY: Azande people of Lake Chad
REGIONAL VARIATIONS: Shongo (from Zaire), onzil (the bird-shaped knife of Gabon), hunga munga (the “F-shaped” knife of Sudan)
MADE FAMOUS BY: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
ADVANTAGES: Rotates around shields; scares the shit out of enemies; makes any loser an instant badass
DISADVANTAGES: One assumes the enemy could pick up your thrown kpinga and take its badassedness from you
POISONED ARROWS The Chinese and Europeans may have had saltpeter, but the people of sub-Saharan Africa had amazing biodiversity, including some of the deadliest toxins on earth. Europeans who arrived in the fifteenth and sixteenth centuries were aghast to see members of their parties fall prey to African arrows that were coated with these mysterious substances. The colonialists didn’t know it, but they’d just had their first taste of strophanthin. Strophanthus plants—along with acokanthera, milkweed, and oleander—were widely used to make arrow poisons across the African continent. Their seeds were extracted and made into formulas by medicine men, and the resulting poisons could induce cardiac arrest in the victim unless he could quickly acquire all of the ingredients of the top-secret antidote (which was typically only known by other medicine men, so good fucking luck). It was common for archers to leave their arrow heads lodged in decomposing animal flesh to accumulate bacteria. The Kamba people of Kenya mixed strophanthus with scorpion venom. The Hausa people of western and central Africa threw in disgusting animal-based substances like monkey entrails, snake heads, pus from sores, and even menstrual fluid. So if the cardiac poison didn’t kill you, the gross-out factor would.
EASE OF USE: (requires archery skill and a medicine man)
FAMOUS VICTIMS: Nuno Tristan, who in 1446 became the first European to die from African poison arrows
FUN FACT: It’s believed that some Africans immunized themselves to these poisons with gradual inoculations. Historians say they probably got the idea from The Princess Bride.
Chapter 12.
THE AGE OF DISCOVERY:
“I JUST DISCOVERED HOW TO BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF!”
EUROPE, 1500–1800
FOR CENTURIES, Europeans sat around with their thumbs up their asses while the East did all the thinking. For about twelve hundred years, between the fall of Rome and the Turkish siege of Constantinople, Europe wore the dunce cap. But in 1492, a brilliant discovery was made by one Christopher Columbus. He found out that you didn’t have to be the first to get to something in order to claim it. Like the Dane Cook of the fifteenth century, Columbus laid claim to the continent that was sort of already found by Eric the Red, and was actually discovered many thousands of years ago by people who crossed the Bering Strait. But the past didn’t matter. The Age of Discovery was here, and that meant that all previous claims were off! Europeans set sail to plant their flags all over the world and showed their lily-white asses to exotic nations near and far. And the brightest minds in the West were discovering new weapons to take along.
MUSKET The arquebus (see page 164) forced medieval knights to become increasingly paranoid. Between battles, they’d hurry back to their blacksmiths and huff, “I need stronger armor! This will never hold up against the enemy’s new firearms!” The smiths responded by making armor better and heavier until the knight could barely move. Arms makers, on the other hand, were trying to stay one step ahead. Completely out of ideas, they simply made the arquebus bigger and heavier. This new supersized arquebus was called the musket. In theory, it was a handgun, but in actuality, it was so powerful and unwieldy that it now required a forked stand to rest the barrel on. The musket wasn’t much for accuracy, either. It shot heavy metal balls that didn’t fit the barrel too snugly. When fired, the musket shot would bounce around the inside of the barrel before exiting the gun in an unpredictable direction. But this was the most powerful shot of its time for a standard infantryman. The musket could—if it hit its mark—blow through any type of armor. (Yes, nerds—that includes dragon scale.)
EVOLVED FROM: Arquebus
AVAILABLE IN: Matchlock, wheellock, and later in flintlock
POWER: Greater than an arquebus, less than a cannon
MADE FAMOUS BY: Pilgrims, who used muskets to shoot turkeys; the British, who conquered the world with the Brown Bess musket; and the Three Musketeers, who, despite their name, never actually seem to be wielding muskets
BEST DEFENSE: Plug end of gun with finger
RAPIER During the late Middle Ages, the European sword went in for some liposuction. It came back from the plastic surgeon looking sleeker, longer, and a whole lot faster. Plus, it felt a little bit better about itself. The ultimate result was the rapier—one of the feyest swords ever forged on the anvil. Though it is now relegated to foppish caricatures of seventeenth-century Frenchmen, the rapier was once the weapon of choice for skilled European swordsmen. The long, sleek blade and ornate hilt made it the fashionable choice of arms among dandy elites, giving the weapon the nickname of “dress sword.” It wasn’t just pretty—the rapier’s decorative hilts protected the wielder’s hand from opponents’ blades, with the weighted ball on the bottom serving as a functional counterweight to the blade. The rapier was decidedly not a slashing weapon like the traditional broadsword, but rather a thrusting weapon. And it demanded fast footwork, which meant that most armor was out of the question. These limitations were a turnoff to some swordsmen, who preferred to ride into battle covered in steel and swinging a meat cleaver. In theory, those who mastered the elegant rapier could easily compensate with its reach and speed—provided they had years of in-depth professional instruction. The weapon’s elitism would be its demise, however, as it eventually gave way to the lighter, and considerably lamer, “small sword.” The successor may have been more practical, but it lacked the panache of the rapier. When was the last time you heard about someone having a “small sword wit”? Never, that’s when.
EASE OF USE: (lots of fancy learning involved)
DATE OF ORIGIN: 1500
EVOLVED FROM: Estoc (see page 148), longsword (see page 112)
ADVANTAGE: Classy, shows everyone you resolve disputes in a gentlemanly manner
DISADVANTAGE: Only for dueling; not for actual warfare. Seriously, you will get crushed.
BRONZE CULVERIN As gunpowder became cheaper and stronger, the gunsmiths of the Renaissance became bolder. They attempted to shove more and more powder into their cannons to give them more bang. Unfortunately, many of these cannons were made of cast iron, which could easily explode and send shrapnel into any unfortunate sack of meat that happened to be standing nearby. Some gunsmiths found the solution in the weapons of the past—they started making their cannons from bronze, which was slightly more elastic. This meant that on a misfire, bronze cannons would tear or rupture, rather than explode like their cast-iron competitors. Bronze allowed gunners to experiment with larger doses of powder without fearing for their lives. They could achieve more power without resorting to the ridiculously large cannonballs of the bombard. Bronze cannons were also lighter than iron guns, and therefore more mobile. And if that weren’t enough, the Renaissance saw another advancement in firearm technology: cannons began to increase in barrel length. The culverin featured a length-to-bore ratio of about forty to one, which generally meant it could shoot a helluva lot farther than other guns. Renaissance soldiers could knock down the walls of a city standing much farther away, sparing th
em the awkward moment of staring at the enemy while waiting for the cannons to fire.
DATE OF ORIGIN: 1500s
ADVANTAGES: Less likely to explode and kill user; bronze is light and portable; can shoot really far
DISADVANTAGES: More expensive than cast iron; longer barrel can be cumbersome on battlefield
FLINTLOCK PISTOL Picture yourself as a single dude in seventeenth-century Paris. You really want to pay a midnight booty call to your favorite mademoiselle, but this means walking the streets after dark, all alone. Les avenues are crawling with muggers and bandits, and there’s no real police force to protect you from them. But you’re in luck, because your local gunsmith just made a big batch of flintlock pistols. Previous handguns were of the wheellock variety—much better than those crappy matchlocks, which required two hands. But even the wheellock had problems. It was complicated—winding the wheel required the use of an extra piece of equipment called a spanner, which would often end up lost in your chaise lounge cushions. Wheellocks also tended to break easily, meaning they were costly to maintain. Then came the snaphance mechanism (basically a simpler means of sparking the powder), which quickly evolved into the flintlock, which became every European civilian’s best friend. It was affordable and dependable and could be concealed under the coat or at the waist. Robbers who preyed on people walking the streets at night suddenly had something to watch out for, as even the wussiest nobleman could be packing a flintlock pistol in his codpiece.