There really seemed to be no way to predict her reaction—to anything. Christina rubbed her eyes. She was too sober for this. “What?”
“I guess it’s fine. I’ll live. But the smell is gross, isn’t it?”
“It’s the reason I feel homicidal every time I smell pancakes,” Christina replied. “Do you want me to let Stassi know she’s off the hook?”
Vivi waved her away. “Nah. Let her think I’m going to go apeshit or something. It’ll keep her on her toes.”
They wrapped at seven and Christina thought she had a clean escape—but no such luck. Just as she was unplugging her walkie in the production office, another PA came to find her. “Vivi would like some help removing her blood makeup.”
Josh didn’t look up from his laptop, but she could see him smile. What an asshole. “Sure,” Christina replied. As she made her way back out toward the trailers, she kept reminding herself that Vivi wasn’t in until nine a.m. tomorrow. Three more hours of sleep. Three more hours, she chanted in her head.
She’d knocked just once when Vivi called, “Come in, Christina!”
When she stepped inside the trailer, Vivi was already topless, the outline of her costume showing the dividing line of the stage blood. Christina tried not to react—they were just boobs—but holy fuck was Vivi’s body smoking. “You needed me?”
Vivi’s smirk instantly told Christina she was in trouble. “I could use a little help.” The actress turned and walked to the bathroom, disappearing inside. Christina heard the shower go on. This was by far the strangest day she’d ever had on set.
Unsure what to expect, Christina followed Vivi to the trailer bathroom, which was larger than she would have expected. Vivi had already shed the bottom of her costume and was now completely naked. She picked up the bar of soap and held it out. “I can’t wash this off all by myself, now can I?”
Christina took the soap, still trying to figure out Vivi’s game. Was the actress hitting on her or screwing with her? Given her behavior during the rest of the day, there was really no way to tell. That is, until Vivi took a step forward and slung both arms around Christina’s neck. “Don’t you think you should take your clothes off, too? I wouldn’t want to get blood on anything.” Which, of course, she already had.
And then Vivi kissed her. It was an odd experience for Christina, who was used to being the aggressor. But Vivi knew what she wanted. The kiss was insistent; hungry.
Christina felt her own attraction rearing up. The girl was hot, no question, and Christina was interested, if baffled. But she wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth. As Christina began to pull off her own shirt, Vivi leaned over to the medicine cabinet and pulled something out with her fingers. She placed a small pill on Christina’s tongue. “A little E,” she said.
Christina swallowed the pill and kissed Vivi again, working her way out of her jeans. In just a few minutes, they were inside the shower, hands and tongues and trails of fake blood running everywhere. Christina snaked her tongue along Vivi’s neck and unexpectedly had to fight a gag. Right—the detergent in the blood makeup. Improvising, Christina picked up the bar of soap again and used it to lather along the actress’s lithe body. She pulled the showerhead from the hook and ran it slowly across the trail of soap, lingering on Vivi’s full breasts. Once the blood and soap rinsed away, Christina took a nipple in her mouth and bit lightly. The actress moaned.
Keeping her mouth on Vivi’s breasts, she continued lower with the showerhead, but Vivi pushed it away. “I want you, not a piece of metal.”
Christina straightened up and grasped Vivi’s wet hair, pulling the actress to her. Kissing her hard, she pressed Vivi up against the shower wall. “Is that a fact?”
As Christina dropped to her knees, the MDMA took over and the world got brighter and more intense, every touch of Vivi’s fingerprints on her skin like an explosion.
Four hours later, they were tucked away in Vivi’s monolithic glass house built into the side of the mountain. They’d ingested not only the MDMA, but also more pot and some whiskey by this point, making the night a strange and garbled mess of limbs and strap-ons and orgasms. Christina couldn’t remember how they’d gotten to the house, and time seemed to skip as they wound from one room to the next. Someone tripped and fell down a few stairs (it may have been Christina herself, but there was no way to know). And then the silkiest sheets she had ever felt, followed by the blackness of drug-induced sleep.
A doorbell. Someone was ringing the doorbell, except that Christina’s apartment didn’t have a doorbell. She pried her eyes open, seeing arms and wavy brown hair streak by. It took her another moment to realize it was Vivi. She was in bed with Vivi.
A beat later, the headache set in, a blinding, shooting pain across the center of her forehead. She’d slept with an actress from her own damn show. Christina didn’t have many rules in her life, but even she knew this was a terrible idea.
“Fuck off, I’m coming!” Vivi slid out of bed and grabbed a robe, throwing it around her shoulders. She disappeared from the bedroom. Christina sat up, trying to take stock of the situation. Her mouth was dry, her head was splitting, and she had no idea where her clothes were. Not to mention where the hell Vivi’s house was. Hollywood? In the hills? That was still a pretty wide target. And where was Christina’s car? She couldn’t have driven here.
From downstairs, she heard muffled conversation. Then Vivi running back up the stairs, calling, “Five minutes! Promise!” The actress stepped back into the room and locked eyes with Christina. “Oopsie, my eight a.m. ride is here. We’ve got fifteen minutes to shower and present ourselves.” She ran her fingers through her hair. “My trainer’s got to be so pissed I missed our workout this morning. But hey, he got paid.”
“Didn’t you tell the driver five minutes?” Christina asked. The sound of her own voice somehow made the headache worse.
“Everyone knows five means fifteen or twenty,” Vivi responded. “Now let’s quick hop in the shower. We reek of pussy.”
Christina stumbled out of the bed and blindly followed Vivi to the bathroom. This was such a clusterfuck.
“By the way, we need to take you to get waxed,” Vivi added, laughing. “I think I have some of your hair stuck in my veneers.”
Even in her current state, Christina shook her head. “I’m not a five-year-old. I have pubic hair. I’m not shaving or waxing or any fucking thing.”
The shower went on. Christina leaned against the marble sink for support. At least Vivi was a guest star. Come Monday, there’d be another loincloth-clad babe in the desert and Vivi would just be a story. Except…
“I think I could get used to this,” Vivi said. “A little play at work, a little play at home.”
If this was her idea of “little,” Christina was honestly afraid of the actress’s full-tilt mode. “Too bad you’re only in this episode.”
“Who told you that?” Vivi replied, stepping in the shower. “I’ll be in for the rest of the season.” She waved Christina into the shower. “Now come on, let’s be at least a tiny bit professional and clean ourselves up.”
Christina could now hear nothing but the pounding in her own head. It sounded suspiciously like: You’re SO screwed.
Geek Actually
Season 1, Episode 3
Boss Battles
Melissa Blue
#REBELSCUM
Michelle: @Aditi I thought you might like this article: “The Art of Binge Reading Donaldson.” Offering this to the blog post muse gods.
Christina: So should I be offended if someone says my pubes gave them a hairball?
Taneesha: lmao I love you.
Michelle: I know it seems I’m always talking work when I come in here.
Taneesha: ’Cause you are.
Christina: If you could have married work, you would have.
Elli: Did you meet someone nice, Chris?
Taneesha: El…
Elli: Yes?
Taneesha: Sometimes a hot not-nice person pu
ts their mouth on you and you like it anyway.
Elli: But she *could* meet somebody nice, right?
Taneesha: Chris… don’t.
Christina: I’m too hungover to be bitchy. I was going to behave. This once.
Elli: It’s not like you couldn’t sleep with somebody who you actually like.
Christina: Sure, but that’s not the point.
Elli: What’s not the point?
Christina: Think of it like a transaction. I’m getting something and so are they.
Elli: I guess that makes sense.
Taneesha: Are you sure you’re not a virgin, Elli? No judgment.
Elli: I’ve only had sex with people I really like, but not lately. Not high on my list of priorities.
Taneesha: Understandable. For me, just finding the time to get my rocks off is a serious problem.
Michelle: Has anyone heard from Aditi? She’s sending me emails… but…
Aditi: I read that article about two days ago.
Michelle: Oh, there you are!
Elli: My parents are making noises about me “doing more with my time” besides cosplay and conventions. They keep coming down to see what I’m doing in my apartment.
Christina: Apartment? I thought it was the basement.
Elli: It’s more like a lair, but for good guys.
Christina: I’d pay money to see you go Evil Willow.
Elli: Their interruptions are distracting, but I still managed to finish the staff for Disney Princess Rey this morning. Everyone in New Orleans is going to love it. And I got the best idea to create Princess Vivian for Fairy Con. But I need more fabric.
Taneesha: Rey, from Force Awakens? I thought it was a romance novel con or something?
Elli: You’d be surprised how many romance writers are geeks. They get the cosplay.
Taneesha: You just made enough to pay for this book con. How are you going to afford going to Fairy Con, too?
Elli: I don’t know. But I’ll figure it out. I always do.
Taneesha: But don’t some of these places run up to at least a grand for registration, hotel, food…?
Elli: I sometimes auction off pieces or barter.
Taneesha: Look at you. I thought you kept them all, but what a way to monetize your passion.
Michelle: El, you could totally find a better paying job than barista or retail. Remember when I made that resume for you? It’s tailored so you could get an office job, something that pays a little better. Find the folder I bought you. I put copies in it.
Elli: What folder?
Michelle: The one I got you for your birthday.
Elli: Right, okay. It’s around here somewhere. Thanks!
Michelle: Don’t provide references. Tell them you’ll provide them and then stall as best as you can.
Elli: You’re so good to me, Miche. <3 <3
Taneesha: Feel better now, Miche? You’ve fixed at least one of us.
Michelle: Hush it. And, yes.
Aditi: LMAO
Michelle: Speaking of impotent fury, are you feeling better today, Neesha?
Taneesha: I’ve leveled down from pure rage to just wanting to throat-punch random people.
Christina: Call your brother. He always makes you remember you kind of like people.
Christina: And I don’t have bail money. So call him.
Taneesha: Did you spend it on coke or getting a Brazilian?
Christina: I’m offended. Coke is so eighties.
Taneesha: All right. I gotta go, but here’s a present: #embracingthebush2017
Christina: I’m out.
Michelle: Me, too. Lol
Aditi: I’m screencapping this so when the movement happens, we know how it all began.
ELLI
Elli adjusted her ruffled necktie outside the mattress store. It matched the empire waistline of her long-sleeved shirt and pencil skirt perfectly. A simple headband held back the short strands of her blonde hair. And Mary Janes on her feet provided comfort for the long walk from the bus to the mattress store her parents’ friend owned.
If only they would embrace Elli’s life the way she did. It wasn’t exactly as she dreamed, but it came close—she had friends who accepted her, went to cons, made cosplay, and was rarely bored by her surroundings. How could she be bored when London—both England and Ontario—had conventions? She’d traveled to places like Atlanta, New York City, and San Diego. Her life was as colorful and eclectic as her rolls of fabric.
Before Elli forced herself to be practical again, she closed her eyes and lifted her face up to the sun. The last of the dirty, gray snow had melted from the streets, leaving the pavement damp but clean. That didn’t mean another round of snow wouldn’t drop down before spring officially began, so she enjoyed the warmth on her face while she had it.
Those few seconds standing there turned into a minute, and she finally opened her eyes as the few people out and about on the weekday avoided her on the sidewalk.
Pushing back her shoulders and now fully composed, she entered the mattress store, and her spirits dropped immediately. Acres of white beds filled the room, decorated only with plastic covers over the mattresses.
The place was depressingly monotone.
But this was the compromise she’d agreed upon with her parents. She’d work for their friend, another one, and keep this job. Besides, she could use the money to complete the Princess Vivian costume, and get the fabric for the Anastasia dress.
Treat it like a game. She was good at gaming. She could do this.
There were only a few customers wandering around, one talking to a salesperson. Elli searched for someone stuffy, someone who looked official.
Near the back stood a man in a suit, frowning and holding a clipboard. He’d taken every gray strand on his head and tamed them all into a neat ponytail. Lines stretched along his brow, like he made a lot of unpleasant and hard decisions.
She took a moment to re-imagine him as a boss inside a dungeon. As long as she avoided his most damage-dealing hits, she’d complete the quest.
With that in mind, she zigzagged through the maze of mattresses toward the man. Just like Michelle had taught her, she offered him a smile and her hand.
His eyes went wide behind his half-shell glasses. “You’re late.”
She blinked. How did she end up with low mana already? Her parents had only told her to drop by and give him her resume, since he’d been looking for qualified applicants. “I am?”
“You should have been here twenty minutes ago.” Displeasure twisted his words into a low, guttural sound. “If I weren’t short staffed, I’d send you back to the temp service.”
Oh. An unexpected potion that works during combat. She could use this to her advantage and avoid the hit to her gear.
“I’m Elli, actually, but it sounds like you need some help.”
She opened the leather portfolio Michelle had given her and handed the man her resume. He scanned it quickly, his brows rising as he did. He didn’t bother with the second sheet before throwing another frown her way. She braced herself for waves of immolation that she didn’t have enough time to dodge.
“You’ll be selling mattresses.” He glanced down at the resume again. “You’re a little over-qualified.”
She leaned forward to see which resume she’d given him. She winced. It was the office assistant one. Michelle had sent an assortment.
Undeterred, Elli reopened her portfolio and plucked the resume that listed her sales and cashier background. She placed it on top of the office assistant one and smiled again. This will be the right protective spell.
“I have many different area of expertise.”
He scratched at his hairline with his free hand. “Uh.” He shifted. “You’re Ross’s girl? I forgot he told me you were going to stop by today.”
“Yes. I’m his daughter.”
A bell dinged above the door. A crew of what looked to be plumbers drifted inside. The man huffed. “I’ve got to deal with this.” He shoved the clipboar
d at her. “Fill these out, then I’ll run you through the process.”
“Great.” She hated paperwork, but knowing the loot was right within her grasp, she tucked the clipboard into the crook of her arm and began. Ten minutes later, when she’d finished and was doodling in the margins, the store owner rushed up to her, a little out of breath. With a flushed face, he said, “I’m going to walk you through this fast.”
“Okay but—what’s your name?”
“Sorry, didn’t even think about that. Leonard.”
An evil wizard’s name. “Good choice.”
“Uh, thanks. Now let’s get you on the floor.”
She appreciated his haste. Mattress or bookstore, selling things tended to rely on enthusiasm. When she put her mind to it, she could be enthusiastic. After getting through his speech, half-listening, she felt somewhat prepared for the job at hand. Now all she had to do was sell some stuff, and that meant focusing on her first customers after Leonard excused himself to deal with his plumbing problem.
A man and a woman walked in—judging by the way they brushed against each other, standing close together, she guessed they were a couple. The woman carried a child against her chest in a baby sling. Her dark hair was up in a messy ponytail. The man’s hand remained on the woman’s lower back, and he leaned forward, kissing the baby on the head. Father, she assumed. They were a unit. A tired-looking one, by her estimation.
Since there was a line between pushy and helpful, she let her smile welcome them over first.
When they stood three feet away, she offered, “What can I help you with today?”
“Well,” the woman said, “my husband and I have been surviving on a queen-sized bed. There’s just not enough room now. With the baby getting bigger, we’re thinking of co-sleeping, and, well…” She trailed off, sounding exhausted.
“Let me see,” Elli said.
She turned her back to them and took in the storeroom’s floor.
What would Michelle do?
Elli shook her head. Michelle would pick the highest price—one of the electronic adjustable ones, with all the bells and whistles. So would Taneesha. A shy, embarrassed smile crept out at the thought of Christina’s needs for a bed. Probably something that rotated, with mounting brackets and bungee cords or something. Aditi would probably pick the one closest to the door—she hated furniture shopping.
Geek Actually Season 1 Omnibus Page 9