Declare (Declan Reede: The Untold Story #4)

by Michelle Irwin

  Alyssa stayed in the position I had placed her in while I stepped back to admire the view. The combination of fuck-hot car and even hotter chick had my boner raging and begging for attention. I closed my eyes and slid the zipper of my pants down. I wrapped my hands around my cock and pulled it free before pushing my hips forward. I ran my hand along my length, anxious to drive it into her.

  I squirmed in the seat in anticipation.

  A frown crossed my brow. Seat? What the fuck?

  Something was wrong.

  Panic rose in me, choking me until all thoughts of Alyssa were gone as I clawed at my throat to shake loose the lump that stopped me from breathing. Gulping down on oxygen, I tried to work out what happened. I was sitting, but I’d been standing seconds before. The movement wasn’t possible, and yet it had happened. I opened my eyes and they met Alyssa’s.

  She was staring at me through the windshield of the car with a smile on her lips. A low moan escaped her as I met her gaze. Seconds later, her eyes rolled up in pleasure and she grunted as her pelvis pushed against the car, causing the whole thing to shake.

  “More,” she whispered. “Oh, God, yes.”

  I was almost unable to turn away from the look of pleasure on her face, but when I did I saw Hunter snarling at me from behind her as he rocked to the rhythm of her body. His hands clutched her hips tightly as he pounded into her relentlessly.

  “No!” I screamed.

  “Yes!” Alyssa cried in unison.

  I tried to get out of the car, but I couldn’t. I tugged on the door handle repeatedly. My heart beat like a drum, louder and louder. As it sped up, so did the rocking of the car. I clawed at the lock to break free, but it wouldn’t budge.

  “Right there, oh, baby,” Alyssa moaned. “Oh, fuck, yes. Oh, God.”

  I pulled at the door lock urgently. “No, Alyssa, don’t . . .” I cried, body-slamming the door in a vain effort to get free.

  “Alyssa!” I cried, sitting bolt upright.

  Holy shit. I panted as the efforts of my nightmare left me breathless. I sighed and collapsed back onto the bed, relieved that it had just been a dream. When I rolled over to pull Alyssa in to me, to remind myself that she was mine, she wasn’t there. My heart pounded faster again as I rolled to the other side of the bed, wondering where she was.

  When I was unable to find her or even a trace of her existence, I couldn’t breathe. I patted her side of the bed, but it was cold. Her smell didn’t linger on the pillow the way I had come to expect.

  Was everything that had happened just a dream? Would I find myself back in the arms of a different woman each night, seeking solace that I would never find? Nightmares and dreams were an ever-present part of my life back then, but I’d mostly escaped them since being with Alyssa; although I didn’t know that my insomnia would ever fully abate.

  Oh, God, had I even been with her? I silently begged God, or whoever would listen, to not let it all be a dream. I needed her. I couldn’t live in a world where I didn’t have her.

  Stumbling out of the bed, I hip-checked an unfamiliar dresser. A loud clinking sound disturbed me. God, was I in some stranger’s house even now? I shook my head to try to clear the fatigue, and struggled to remember where I was. There were two empty Jack bottles resting on top of the dresser. Things weren’t looking good for me. Two bottles was pushing the limit—even for me. Although part of me reasoned that my head wasn’t aching as badly as it would have had I drunk that much on my own.

  I fumbled along the wall to find a light switch. As soon as my fingers touched the smooth panel, I flicked the lights on. The room burst into sudden brightness. The generic, un-lived-in feel startled me at first. Then I sighed as memories of where I was came flooding back.

  Sagging with relief, I walked over to the window and looked out at the Yas nightscape. Fuck, I missed Alyssa. I’d only been in Abu Dhabi for a couple of days, but it was too long. I remembered that my crew, as well as Morgan and Eden, had come to my room last night to attack our duty-free supplies for a post first-race celebratory drink.

  We’d only had a few each in the end. Enough to leave me buzzed and disorientated, but not enough to warrant an apology to Alyssa.

  I sat on the end of the bed, trying to calculate the time difference. It was early Sunday morning in Abu Dhabi, so I guessed it would be sometime during the day on Sunday in Brisbane. The exact time didn’t really matter though; what mattered was that I was an arse. Because Saturday was Alyssa’s graduation. Which meant I’d been in a foreign country, most likely drinking with my work buddies, while my future wife had walked across the stage to get her diploma. I sucked. I’d failed as a husband before I even became one.

  Needing to talk to her, I picked up the phone to dial her mother’s number in Brisbane. I knew there was a risk I’d get Curtis or Josh, but I didn’t really care. I just needed to talk to Alyssa—especially after the nightmare I’d had. If they didn’t help me do that, they could go fuck themselves.

  “Hello?”

  I breathed a sigh of relief when she was the one to answer.

  “Hi,” I said sheepishly. I wasn’t sure if she’d be upset with me now that she’d actually gone through her graduation ceremony without me.

  “Declan!” I could hear the genuine smile in her voice and it helped calm some of the worry I had felt.

  “How’d it go?” I asked.

  “Congratulations,” she said at the same time.

  We both chuckled nervously.

  “You first,” I said.

  “It was good. I think Phoebe got a little bored though. Mum ended up taking her out of the room to get her to quiet down.”

  My guilt ratcheted up another half-dozen notches. I should have been there for her. I should have been the one trying to calm Phoebe down. I couldn’t help the thought that if I’d been there I would have miraculously settled Phoebe, and we both could have watched as the most important person in our lives crossed the stage.

  “I’m so—”

  “Don’t apologise, Dec, I understand. And from the looks of it, you kicked some butt out there.”

  I smiled at her attempt to cheer me up. “Anyone else could have done it.”

  “Your team placed first and fourth. That’s great by anyone’s standard.”

  I shrugged. It had been worth celebrating the night before, but faced with what I’d missed, it seemed irrelevant. “First, second would have been better. Besides, it’s not like I had any real control over it.”

  She sighed. “Isn’t it a team effort? If you hadn’t completed the pit stops as quickly as you did, Hunter would never have won.”

  “Well, isn’t that fantastic,” I muttered. “I can change a fucking wheel faster than anyone else. Yay, me.”

  She laughed. “Are you going to be this moody after every race?”

  “Probably,” I contended. “But more at the moment, because I feel like a jackass for missing your graduation just so I could change a few fucking tyres.”

  “We’ve been over that, and you know that I understand. Besides, from what I’ve been told, there’s plenty of video of it. You’ll be able to watch me falling flat on my face again and again.”

  I couldn’t help chuckling before I bit my lip to stop myself. “You didn’t.”

  She laughed loudly. “Oh, I most certainly did. Much to Flynn’s amusement. I didn’t hear the end of it all night.”

  “Flynn was there?” I don’t know why, but that piece of information surprised me and pissed me off just a little too. Even though things had been on decent terms when we’d left Brisbane, the fact that Alyssa hadn’t mentioned anything to me made me wonder whether I had cause for concern. Had she confided in him the disappointment that she didn’t feel she could show me?

  “Of course. You didn’t think he was going to miss it after spending so much time studying, did you?”

  My gut twisted tightly on itself. Once a-fucking-gain, Flynn had been there when I couldn’t. I just growled something noncommittal in response. />
  She stifled a laugh. “Are you jealous?”

  “No!” I snapped too quickly.

  “Dec, it was his graduation too, you dill. Even though he started before me, he studied part-time for a while, so he ended up finishing the same time as I did.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes. God, you worry about the strangest things sometimes.” She laughed for a second, but then her voice turned serious. “I miss you.”

  I clutched the phone as I stood and leaned against the window, looking at the sky. Somewhere, many kilometres away, Alyssa was under the same sky. The thought comforted me a little. “I miss you too. So fucking much.”

  “There’s only a little over a week left now. It won’t be too bad,” Alyssa said, but she sounded about as convinced about it as I was.

  Due to there being only five days between the Abu Dhabi and Bahrain races, Danny had decided it was better for the team to stay overseas. He had booked out some workshop space and had shipped over more than enough materials and equipment to make all the necessary repairs to rebuild before Bahrain. Unfortunately, it meant that I would be away from home for at least another eight days—despite the way Alyssa had tried to spin it to sound like it was shorter than that. It also meant that I had to be in close quarters with Hunter not only for our usual working hours, but practically 24/7.

  Fuck. My. Life.

  “It’s fucking torture,” I admitted. “I’ve barely been sleeping.”

  As if my words reminded her of the time difference, she asked, “What time is it there?”

  “Fuck knows,” I said. I didn’t want to admit the actual time, because I knew she’d kick me off the phone and back into bed.

  “Should you still be asleep?” she asked.

  “Probably,” I admitted. “But I can’t sleep. I need you.”

  “You’ve managed without me before.”

  “Barely,” I whispered. If only she knew just how hard I had to work to keep her out of my mind, to get through even one day without her. I couldn’t expect her to ever really understand though. It was only after I’d stopped trying to do it that I had realised it.

  “So, what’s on the agenda for you for today?” she asked, clearly trying to change direction.

  I sighed. “Just the usual shit. I have to be at the track in a few hours to help prep the car.”

  “You should probably get back to bed then,” she murmured.

  “I probably should,” I agreed. “But I really don’t want to. I’d rather keep talking to you.”

  “I know. Me too. But I’d feel guilty if your performance suffered because you were up at all hours talking to me.”

  “I don’t give a shit.”

  “You will if Danny sees the bill and realises what you were doing.”

  She was right, which was the only reason I relented. That didn’t make it any easier to actually disconnect the call though. In the end, she did it and I was left alone again.

  Fucking hell.

  CHAPTER EIGHT: PREDICTABLE PATH

  AFTER I’D HUNG up the phone, I kept my fingers pressed against it, wishing I could drag Alyssa through it to be with me. I stared at the bed for a few minutes but realised it was useless—I wasn’t going to be getting any more sleep anyway.

  I flicked on the TV and scrolled through the channels, but nothing held my interest. Only one thing interested me—and she was thousands of kilometres away. I ended up turning the TV off and heading out of my room. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Usually when my insomnia hit, I would go to Phoebe’s room and watch her sleep, but I couldn’t do that.

  Instead, I paced the hallway.

  After fifteen minutes or so, Eden’s room door cracked open a little. “Is the carpet too thick?”

  “Huh?”

  “Well, you seem to be content to wear it down.” She smiled.

  I shrugged.

  “Can’t sleep?”

  I shook my head. I paced the length of the corridor once more under Eden’s watchful eye. Then I turned to her and blurted out everything about the nightmare I’d had earlier.

  “You don’t actually think Alyssa would cheat on you though, do you?” She laughed as if the idea was preposterous.

  “Course not,” I muttered. “I don’t know why the fuck I feel like this. All I know is I’ve been having the same sort of fucking nightmares for four years. Practically every night I have had to sleep without her beside me I’ve woken to similar dreams. Or worse. They went away for a while, but now they’re back with a vengeance.”

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t realise it was so bad,” she whispered.

  “How could you?” I snapped. “I never told anyone.”

  Eden nodded. “It’ll get better. Everything will. You’ll see.”

  “Is that one of Eden Bishop’s infamous predictions?” I asked, strangely feeling better as the words hung in the air.

  “Damn straight.” She laughed.

  “I’ll hold you to it then.”

  “Why don’t you come in, considering you’re keeping me awake with all your wanderings anyway?”

  I smiled. “Sure. Thanks.”

  We talked until the sun began to rise. Finally, about an hour before I was due to leave to go back to the track, I snuck back into my own room for breakfast and a shower.

  I arrived at the Marina Circuit as fresh as could be expected after only having a few hours’ sleep. Of course, fucking Hunter was there to brighten my fucking day. Just the sight of him brought back visions of my nightmare—of Alyssa licking her lips while he fucked her from behind. I could recall every detail with almost perfect clarity, the pitch of every note in her cries of ecstasy. My skin crawled every time I looked in his direction—more so than usual. I gritted my teeth and did what I needed to do to get the job done.

  Thankfully, Morgan won both the second and third races, with Hunter coming in third and ninth. At least that meant I didn’t have to put up with the insufferable prat crowing about how good a driver he was on top of everything else.

  BY THE third day in Bahrain, I was going out of my mind. Even though I knew I was being an irritable bastard, I couldn’t find it in myself to care. I snapped at anyone and everyone—even Danny at least twice. He was the only one I apologised to.

  Hunter had picked up on my obvious discomfort and used it to taunt me.

  “Don’t worry,” he declared loudly, making the whole workshop pause. He held his hands up in the air as if to gain everyone’s attention. “Dec’s just got a case of blue balls. I know just the remedy—a couple of blondes. Maybe I should order him some room service tonight.”

  He winked at me as everyone turned back to their tasks.

  “Fuck off,” I muttered under my breath.

  “Aw, what’s the matter, squirt.” Once again, he used the nickname Morgan had given me, as if he had any right to it. “Don’t you know the time zone rule?”

  I didn’t ask what the time zone rule was—I could imagine, and I wasn’t interested in instigating it. In the end, my interest in the conversation wasn’t required because he continued regardless.

  “You know the one—it’s not cheating if you aren’t in the same time zone. I’m sure your girl is taking full advantage.”

  I turned on him, pinning him quickly against my toolbox.

  “I don’t give a shit if Alyssa is on another planet, it’s not happening.”

  “Pussy,” he growled.

  I gave him one last shove before releasing him. “Stay out of my way.”

  He smirked at me. “I’m the one in the fucking car. You stay out of my way. It wouldn’t take much for me to accidentally turn the wheel at the last minute.”

  “You wouldn’t dare. Danny would have your arse and you know it.”

  “Out of the two of us, I think Danny would be more inclined to think it was your fuck-up in the pits than anything I did.” He shrugged and walked away, leaving his threat hanging in the air.

  I growled at his retreating form. His comment pushed
me past my limit, and it was all I could do to stop myself from charging after him. Between the late nights we were pulling to get the cars ready in time and my inability to sleep without nightmares, I was a fucking mess.

  The months I’d spent with Alyssa had spoiled me with mostly restful nights, and even when I hadn’t been able to sleep, at least I could find peace knowing my girls were safe and well. But it wasn’t like that now. Being away from Alyssa was hurting like hell. The stolen minutes on the phone when the time zones aligned just weren’t enough to cut it for me. Worse, for over twenty-four hours, she hadn’t answered on any line and no one would tell me where the fuck she was.

  On the Friday of the race meeting, I was awake far too early once again. Even though it was the first day of qualifying, and I needed to have my head in the game, a series of nightmares had woken me up once again just like they had the rest of the week.

  Knowing there was little to do at the hotel, I went to the track early, eager to just throw myself into the day and my work. The more I did that, the faster time would go and the sooner I’d be back home.

  I’d been there for a little over an hour, just messing around in the pits, when noises started to fill the space around me. Something small barrelled into my legs. After buckling forward with the weight, I looked down, startled. When I did, I thought maybe I’d gone crazy because what I saw looking back at me was a mini-Alyssa. A near-perfect replica, but with sparkling turquoise eyes.

  “Daddy!” the vision in a pink sundress squealed.

  Bending down, I picked her up, hoping for the life of me that my mind hadn’t snapped and that I wasn’t accosting some poor stranger’s child.

  I looked up in the direction that she’d hit me from and saw Alyssa standing back, watching me. It looked like she was itching to run to me too, but was holding back for some reason. She wasn’t dressed as provocatively as in my dreams and nightmares, but fuck if she wasn’t shit-hot. I smiled at her, still uncertain that it wasn’t just a dream. That seemed to break whatever bond was holding her back and she sprung at me.