After a cursory inspection, I check the floors and walls for weird markings. I know I am being hypocritical by accepting Chauncey’s use of black magic while frowning on my cousin’s use of it. It should be the other way around since I know very little of Chauncey and Lasonji is blood. But I can’t help it. I intend to keep that part of my life out of the limelight and if things go the way I’ve planned, she will never find out. Finding no evidence of Magick, I grab my keys off the table next to the door. I want to check the mail and stop by the post office to put in a change of address. With any luck, an unemployment check is waiting on me and possibly some responses to the resumes I’d sent out. Since the tables have turned and I am now living with my cousin, I want to get a job in the worst way, so I can escape.
I am trying to keep from calling Kentee. But the reality is, with the exception of Lasonji, I don’t have anyone else that I talk to. Prior to being locked up, I never missed the company of another woman, but I got spoiled by the late-night talks with Chauncey.
Despite our obvious differences, I am looking forward to Chauncey’s getting out and being able to develop a real friendship for a change. Besides, he gave me some pretty good advice regarding men that I can’t wait to put into motion.
I manage to slip into my apartment building and collect my mail without running into any of my neighbors. I’m so relieved that I don’t check it until I get to the gas station around the corner. Unfortunately, there are no answers to my job search, but I do have two checks from unemployment.
Filling up my tank, I quickly finish my errands and head back home. I am anxious to at least try some agencies to get a job. The chump change from unemployment will keep me with food and gas for at least a little while. There is also a letter from the apartment management office. This one is making me nervous, but it will have to wait until I get home.
Leah
“Well, that went well,” Craig says as he stands behind me massaging my shoulders. His hands feel good and I roll my neck in appreciation of his strong touch.
“Hmm,” I murmur. Craig leads me over to the sofa and pulls me onto his lap.
“Tell me how you are feeling.” Instinctively, I tense up because I’m not used to sharing my innermost thoughts, but his gentle but firm pressure on my neck and back soothes my muscles.
“Honestly, I don’t know how I feel. I mean, I’m glad that he knows that it’s over. I’ve wanted to tell him for some time, but didn’t want to fight with him. So in that respect, I’m glad it’s over.”
His hands pause for a few seconds as he releases a heavy sigh. “Do you still have feelings for him?” Craig’s voice was so low, I almost didn’t hear him.
“Yeah, I do.” His hands stop moving altogether and I can feel him holding his breath. “Pity.”
“Pity? I don’t understand.”
“There are few things in life that you get for free. The love of a child is one of them. You don’t have to work for it, it’s given freely and you have to be almost subhuman to fuck that up.” Craig’s arms tighten around me, pulling me closer to his chest.
“Ah, I can see that.”
“Kayla will probably always love her dad because she remembers when he was attentive and showed genuine interest in her, but the twins didn’t have that kind of love from him. He used them as pawns to get to me.”
“Funny, I thought I was the only one who saw it that way.”
“I guess we didn’t really talk about this before. Did you really think Kentee had fooled me?”
“Well, fooled isn’t the word I would chose, more like blinded.”
“Blinded? Now I don’t understand.”
“Well…I know how important it was to you that their father be in the children’s life. I thought you would sacrifice yourself for the sake of your children.”
Turning to face my husband, I throw my arms around his neck. “Oh sweetheart, from the moment I met you, I fell in love. The happiest day of my life was when you said you loved me too. I did what I had to for the sake of the kids, but I would never ever turn my back on a gift from God and that is the way I think of you.”
Craig’s eyes water, but his eyes tell me how happy I’ve made him. “Woman, if you don’t get up now, we’ll never get those kids of ours to bed.”
“I know that’s right. I’ll start dinner if you help with homework.”
“Deal, and after we finish with the kids, I’ve got a few things to show you myself.”
“I’ll bet you do.” I switch off to the kitchen secure in the love of my man. It is truly a wonderful feeling.
Kentee
I feel like I am standing in a field full of shit and the stench of reality is burning the hairs in my nose. I can’t blame anyone but myself. As much as I want to hate Leah for moving on with her life, I can’t. It was time for a real reality check and not one painted with rose-colored glasses.
I drive home in a semi-daze, barely aware of the traffic and the changing lights. I want to end the pain, but I know that until I straighten out the mess that I’ve made of my life, I will continue on the same vicious path. It isn’t often that I allow myself to be totally honest, but I am going to do it today. My life depends on it.
For the first time in months, I go to my apartment instead of crashing wherever my body fell out. Although it isn’t much, it is mine and it is the only place that I can go to really be alone. I rented the apartment when I realized life with Tarcia wasn’t going to work. Basically, she was a good woman although a little rough around the edges. All she ever wanted was someone to love her unconditionally, and I used her.
The ring I bought Leah feels like a lead weight as I pull it out of my pocket and place it on my dresser.
Well, I guess she told your ass. Looking into the mirror, I don’t like the man whom I see. My eyes reflect the pain of knowing that Leah is sleeping with another man. I feel violated just thinking of her allowing some other man into my space. I shed each item of clothing that I am wearing. I don’t ever want to see this outfit again because it would only serve to remind me of what a total ass I made of myself.
Throwing the jeans and shirt into the trash, I walk around the apartment naked, pausing to turn on some music. I pour myself a shot of Remy Martin. I’m not ready to talk with a lawyer, but I vow to do it because despite my actions, I really do want a relationship with my children.
Flexing my neck, I wince in pain. Although it is healing nicely, this is yet another reminder of how I’ve fucked up my life. In retrospect, I don’t blame Tarcia for stabbing me. If the shoe was on the other foot, I would have hurt me too. When I got to her house, the only thing I was thinking of was saving my own black ass. For that, I owe her an apology. Without giving myself a chance to change my mind, I call her cell, hoping she will pick up but not really expecting her to.
“Hello?” I don’t detect the anger I expect to hear in her voice.
“Hey, Tarcia, it’s me, Kentee. Just checking to make sure you’re okay.”
“I’m fine, thanks for calling.”
“Wait, don’t hang up.”
“What?” Attitude is sprouting wings and I am determined to nip it in the bud.
“I owe you an apology. I’ve treated you very badly and I want to say I’m sorry.”
“Look, Kentee, I’m not up for your games, okay?”
“Tarcia, I’m not playing with you. I mean every word. I know I’ve been shady in the past, but this time, I’m being real. You had every right to stab me and lucky for me, your aim was whack.” I chuckle, but she doesn’t laugh with me.
“Well, alright then.” I could tell she was about to hang up.
“Look, I know you ain’t trusting me right about now and I can’t say I blame you, but for once I ain’t running game. Can we get together to talk?”
“I don’t know about that. I ain’t trying to go back to jail.”
“Jokes, I guess I deserve that one. But seriously, can we meet at Starbucks over coffee? If you don’t like what I’m saying, you ca
n bounce.”
“Uh…I have a lot of things that I have to do.”
“Please, I promise I won’t keep you long.” I hadn’t originally planned on seeing Tarcia again, but something tells me that it is the right thing to do. If she sees me, I am convinced she will believe me.
“When?”
“Now. Where are you? Do you want me to pick you up?”
“No, I’ll drive. I’m in Stone Mountain.”
“There’s a Starbucks on Highway Seventy-Eight, I can be there in an hour.”
“Okay, but I ain’t staying long.”
“Cool. Thanks.” I hang up the phone, happy at least to be given the chance to make amends. I dress quickly while I still have the courage. Facing my mistakes is not one of my strong suits unless I have an ulterior motive. For once, my apologies will not be sugarcoated with flowers and gifts. This time, my intentions are good.
Tarcia
I cannot believe what just occurred. The entire time I was in jail, all I could think of was Kentee. I couldn’t wait to get out so I could speak with him and now that I have, I don’t feel a thing. Sure, I am going to meet with him, but I’m not holding onto any expectations. I only want to hear what he has to say so I can move on with my life.
I bump my hair, but otherwise I do not bother to beautify myself. Lucky for me, the black eye is gone as well as the other evidence of my jailhouse abuse. I feel as if I have done enough for Kentee; now he will have to take me as I am. I drive to the coffee shop with mixed emotions. I’m not going to say that I don’t still love Kentee, but I am having my doubts as to whether I am in love with him. Chauncey was right about one thing—I need to get my life in order and the job starts and ends with me.
Kentee is already inside when I arrive. I am hesitant to approach him, especially after I see the large bandage on his neck. Despite all the pain he caused me, I really didn’t mean to hurt him.
“Hi, thanks for coming.”
I don’t reply. I just take a seat.
“Can I get you something? I’m having a Caramel Frappuccino.”
“That sounds good.” He rises from the table to get my drink. I can’t help but to steal a look at his tight ass. My indifference aside, Kentee is still a fine-looking man, especially without the bullshit and swagger.
“You look good,” he says as he sits back down, handing me my drink. I shrug my shoulders; his comment doesn’t need a reply. I am anxious to get the reason for the face-to-face meeting.
“Kentee, I have a lot of things to do, so if you don’t mind, can we cut to the chase?”
“Uh…yeah. Sorry about that. I was trying to decide where to begin.” Again, I don’t respond.
“Look, I asked you here to apologize for all the shit I put you through. I made a mess out of both our lives and I’m sorry.” I am starting to get upset. I didn’t interrupt my day to hear this same old shit. I can tell he means what he is saying, but it is too little too late as far as I am concerned.
“Okay, you said it. Thanks for the drink.” I get up to leave.
“Wait, I’m not finished. Why you keep trying to rush off? You got a hot date or something?”
“For your information, I just got out of jail this morning and I’m trying to put the pieces of my life back together.”
“Are you shittin’ me? That was over two weeks ago.”
“I don’t need you to remind me. I was there.”
“Oh, my bad. I just didn’t know. I thought they would release you immediately.”
“So I guess that means you didn’t check on me.” That realization hurts me more than anything. Regardless of how mad I was at him, I still worried about him. This admission is like a slap in the face. Rising again, I attempt to get away from the table before I allow him to see how much he’s hurt me.
“Tarcia, please don’t go. I know I hurt you. Can you just give me thirty minutes?”
Resigned, I hold up my watch. I will give him the time, but no more.
“When we first got together, I was hurting. Not physically, but mentally and spiritually. My marriage was going downhill and I wasn’t getting the attention that I needed at home.”
“Yeah, that would be the marriage that you failed to mention, right?” He shakes his head. Again I want to leave as my old wounds open but I am determined to give him his thirty minutes and not a minute more.
“You’re right, but it’s deeper than that. I didn’t embrace fatherhood as I should have and was even jealous of my children. When we found out about Mya’s disability, I denied both of them and started stepping out in my marriage. How could I admit to you I was married, but deny my children? So I lied and it was eating me up inside.”
“Humph, could’ve fooled me.” The comment slips out before I have a chance to stop it.
“I deserved that, but hear me out. I’m trying to do the right thing.” I nod my head.
“When you got pregnant, I had to make a decision. Either run again or do the right thing, which I thought at the time was to marry you. I should have been a man, admitted to being married and waited until the divorce was final, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to lose you so I concocted that story about Leah lying about the divorce. I wanted you to hate her so you wouldn’t question the lies I told you. But she is innocent in this.”
Oh, so now he is going to defend that bitch on my dime? Oh, hell to the fucking no! Every time I give this nigga an inch he takes a country mile. Well, I am through with that shit once and for all. He can kiss my natural black ass.
In my haste to get up, I knock over my chair. Kentee bolts from his seat, grabbing my arm. Misunderstanding his intention, I swing at him, clocking him upside the head. The blow stuns him, and hurts the hell out of my arm, but he gets my point.
“I didn’t come here to discuss your wife.”
“Neither did I. I wish I could tell you it was just about you and me but that would be a lie. Could you please sit down and let me finish?” I want to bolt because I have a feeling that I will be hearing more things that I don’t want to hear. But against my better judgment, I sit.
“Thank you. As I was saying, she is innocent and so were you, up to a point.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I know you lied about the baby.” Busted. I have two choices, either shut up or deny it. When I don’t deny it, he continues.
“Once that cat was out of the bag, I used Leah to control both of you. I figured that as long as you hated each other, there was little chance of me getting caught trying to have my cake and eat it too.” He stops talking, forcing me to look at him. My eyes hold many questions to which only he holds the answers, so I allow him to continue.
“Imagine my surprise when I found out you two were working at the same company. Life is funny that way. It has a way of forcing you to accept things even though you don’t want to. I used to see Leah when I stopped by your job and I’ll admit I started to regret ever leaving. By then, you were sick of my shit anyway and all we did was argue. So I started staying out all night. I wanted you to think I was with her and when she came in with a smile on her face, I wanted you to think I put it there.”
I am amazed because his plan worked perfectly. I fell for the whole plan—hook, line, and sinker. He played us both and if he’d kept his mouth shut, he would have gotten away with it.
“So one day I followed her. I found out where she lived and I got to see my kids. With the exception of Kayla, they were strangers to me but what hurt me the most was seeing the way this dude from the school was looking at my ex-wife. I believed my own hype and thought I could have you both. So I start spending time with my kids and you resented that. Little things began to add up and I was falling behind financially, with the child support and shit. I wanted to go home just to keep some of my check in my pocket.”
Wow, I can feel his sincerity. How come he never opened up to me like this before? I would have accepted it better than all the lies and deceit. I mean, I wasn’t without sin either. In the beginni
ng I was using him too, and unfortunately I fell in love with him. So where does that leave us now?
“Thank you for sharing.”
“Are you being sarcastic?”
“No, I’m not. I really mean it. Just think how different things would have been if we’d just been honest with each other.”
“Ain’t that the truth?”
I waited for him to go on but it seemed like he was finished. I glance at my watch and realize he has used his allotted time. Noticing my stare, he gathers our cups. When he gets back to the table I asked the question that has been worrying me.
“So what now? Are you going back to your wife?” I was standing at this point, ready to walk out with him. I felt relieved and slightly annoyed that it took this long for us to finally talk.
“Don’t know. Going back ain’t an option. She got married.” I sit back down. There was no way I was going to leave until I had every last detail.
“Say what?”
“Yeah, she married that guy who runs the school. Told me I couldn’t see my kids unless it was under court supervision. I sure have made a mess, haven’t I?”
He ain’t even lied. As much as I wanted Leah out of his life, I couldn’t stand to see him hurting. Somehow, I fight the urge to hold him because by his own omission, he brought this shit on himself.
“Wow, I guess I played a role in this since they were with me when the fire started.”
“Thanks, but I won’t let you share the blame. Once again, I wasn’t being responsible. I’m just happy you allowed me the opportunity to explain it to you. Honestly, I feel much better just admitting to my mistakes.”
“Then maybe there’s some merit in the saying ‘The truth will set you free.’”
Fool, Stop Trippin' Page 23