by JK Ensley
“Jenevier, this is Markus and Alissa. Alastyn’s parents,” Jezreel said.
I gasped. “By all that’s holy…”
I spent the next several hours listening to their lives. Jezreel’s life, Alastyn’s life, and all the happenings of Ashgard since the day I walked through the ethereal gate of Vanahirdem. Jezreel was kind enough to fill in the parts about my long absence she deemed appropriate for them to know. I sat in silence. Listening to all I’d missed and all I’d caused—inadvertently and intentionally alike.
“At last, I finally get to meet the woman who stole my son’s heart. I never thought I’d live to see the day my eyes beheld the beauty of my only son’s first and truest love.”
Alissa smiled at me as she took my hand in hers… my blue hand.
Chapter 35
Wrothdem
(ROTH-dem)
“The past is referred to as a ghost, and that’s the way it should be. I’m sure you’ll agree. Ghosts will only have peace if they remain buried. Same as the past.”
“Jezreel, you can’t expect me to act as if nothing has changed. Everything has changed. My son—”
“Will never hear of this,” Jezreel interrupted.
“But how can you be so heartless? You of all people know how this will heal his grieving heart, mend his tattered soul,” Alissa exclaimed.
“His heart and soul have already been tended to,” Markus said. “No point ripping it open only to see it sewn together yet again.”
“But…”
“Think about it, Alissa. Look at Jenevier. How could she live among us? Alastyn need not know what will only destroy him once more,” Margy said.
“Yes, Alissa, Markus… look upon me. Am I not a freak in Angel’s clothing? Is my appearance not so ghoulish that all of Ashgard would hide their children and double their prayers? The good people of this land would demand the halt of all happiness, ceasing the reign of peace and joy they now live under. Hell, forget the fact it all came at my loss. My sacrifice. My sin,” I spat. “I am wholly certain if I walked out that door right now, the sun would fall from the heavens and the birds would go mute. Whatever poor soul cursed enough to look upon me would utterly give up their last breath, collapsing lifeless upon those precious cobbled streets.”
“Jenevier, you know that’s not what Margy meant,” Jezreel scolded.
“Silence, Jezreel. I will not be admonished by you or anyone else in this room. Speak only if you’re without your own sin. Who among you has done more than I for this forsaken layer? We’ve all suffered greatly in our lives. But who has given more? Who’s the only one among us denied the happiness you now live every day? Don’t you dare look down on me or try to explain me away. You chose your fate, Jezreel. I wasn’t given the same luxury. I had no choice. Never presume to stand in judgment of me, ever again.”
“You overreact,” Jezreel said. “No one was judging you. We speak only the truth. Each of our hearts breaks for you. But if we all chose to give up our lives for you at this very moment, it wouldn’t change what you’ve become. What you’ve been forced to become.”
I released a heavy sigh. “It is as you say. I will rant and rave at my fate. But I will do it when I’m alone. I shall not tarry with you much longer. I have been here less than a day and my secrets have already doubled their truth. I’ll leave your honored company now, for there’s something of great import I must attend. Don’t fret. I’m not going to see Alastyn. I promise to return here before I depart Ashgard.”
I said goodbyes to everyone and gave Jezreel a quick peck on her leathery cheek.
“I will return,” I whispered.
She grabbed my iridescent hand with her withered one and looked at me with pleading eyes.
“Trust me, old friend. I will harm none,” I assured her. “I need air and a few words. That’s all. I won’t make a single ripple. Okay? I’ll go out the back door and keep to the skies… promise.”
*****
The wind through my hair brought a much needed calmness to my troubled mind. Looking down upon the prospering little villages and towns gave proof of the rightness of my sacrifice. The glorious castle grew with my approach. The new soul within me fluttered as a baby bird. By the time my toes touched down on the highest tower, it felt like a million butterflies were warring inside me.
The gentle voice came from the window just below the ledge upon which I was perched.
“I felt you coming. I’ve always hoped you would one day return to me.”
“Dante? Is that you?”
He laughed. “If you preferred Dante to Merodach, then yes. I am Dante. Have you missed me, or do you hate me still?”
“Both.”
He chuckled softly. “Will you not come inside?”
“No, I will remain here.”
“Whatever you wish. Just don’t leave.”
“Love you or hate you, I know not. But you have done well. I am proud to see how you’ve flourished, especially the way you’ve shown others how to as well.”
“Gratitude, Jenevier. You do understand that not a single moment of this would have been possible if it weren’t for you. Do you not?”
“Yes, I know that. Nor would it have been possible without you.”
Quietly sitting down, I let my feet dangle over the ledge. I felt the tiny tickle of a warm fingertip brush down the top of one foot. I quickly jerked them back up before I slowly relaxed, letting my feet drop once more.
“Apologies,” he said.
“No need. It merely startled me.”
“So you didn’t mind?”
I laughed. “Of course not. You should be the one minding. My feet are filthy.”
“You mean, you haven’t had your soak today? But what if you dry out, Milady?”
We both laughed at the memory, and then fell into silence as so many of those memories rushed back to us. We share a glorious, exquisitely painful past.
“I no longer believe I’m part Mermaid.”
“Truly? And why is that, my love?”
“Have you ever seen a real Mermaid?”
“No. I’ve never been so blessed.”
“Trust me. It’s not a blessing. Let’s just say… they’re not beautiful.”
He chuckled. “Ahh, but you are.”
“Gratitude, Dante.” I was smiling, tears glistened in my eyes. “You always spoke such gentle words to me.”
“Yes, I suppose that’s the main reason you were so hurt when you discovered the truth.”
I didn’t even realize I’d actually started crying, until I sniffed. “Yes, it hurt very much,” I whispered, pained. “To find out I’d been lied to by the one man I had allowed into my heart…”
“Please don’t cry, my love. By the time you learned the truth, it was no longer a lie. I loved you, Jenevier. You owned me. I only ever wished to worship you daily. And that is the way of my heart still.”
“Dante… I loved you, too.”
“I know, dear one. I felt it,” he whispered. “I only learned of love because you showed me what it was. I owe everything to you.”
“I have suffered greatly because of my wretched sin against you.”
“I am truly sorry. I would rather have remained dead than for you to have ever known a moment’s pain.”
I sniffed again. “I believe, on some level, I still love Dante.”
“But not Merodach?”
“Merodach caused me nothing but pain and loss and heartache. Merodach was the man who taught me hate… and taught me well. Dante only brought me comfort and kindness.”
“Yes, you’re correct. Merodach owned a black heart, especially in your regard.” He half chuckled. “Merodach was twisted, my love. Something inside him was broken. Alas, you fixed him. But I will forever be Dante if that will make you stay.”
“I cannot.”
“Why not, Jenevier? Where is it you have to go?”
Soft lips kissed my heel as warm hands caressed my weary feet.
“Please, don’t do t
hat. I have changed. I no longer look like the maid you desired.”
“I know that.”
“How? How could you possibly know?”
“Your feet.” He kissed them again.
“What? My feet?”
“Your feet, my love. They glow from within and bring to mind the rarest of gems. If the rest of you is half as beautiful as your feet, I may not be able to stand upright in your presence. Tell me. Do you still have those beautiful golden curls?”
I snorted out a laugh. “Well, sort of.”
“I don’t understand, Milady.”
“I still have all my curls, Milord.” I snickered then and he joined me. “It’s just, not all of them are golden.”
“How is that, dear one? Is it magic?”
“You could call it that. Dante, I have changed. I am changed.”
“Your heart hasn’t. I knew your essence was nearing my home. I felt you. Yes, there’s something different. Bigger perhaps. But not changed.”
I laughed. “How can the only man I ever truly hated be the only person whose words soothe me now?”
“Because I not only love you, I respect you as well. There’s a huge difference in the two. I’m not obsessed with you. I’m obsessed with your happiness. And that’s the difference.”
I couldn’t respond, couldn’t find the words.
“Will you let me worship you?” he whispered.
“No. I am not God.”
“Will you let me look upon you?”
Again, I was silent. I knew not what my answer should be. I didn’t know who all I could hurt by my appearance alone. I wished words with him. I never expected him to be so changed.
“Can I join you up there?” His whisper cut through my troubled thoughts.
“Dante… Merodach… I’m not certain that’s a very good idea. I do not wish to bring harm.”
“Will you join me down here?”
“No. No one can see me. What if someone walked in? I cannot.”
“Even on my honor? No one will enter. No one can enter. The doors are sealed from within.”
I didn’t answer him.
“Do not enter my home if you will be uncomfortable in the least. I will step away from the window if you will but grant me the honor of just lighting upon the sill, letting me gaze upon you. I promise not to touch you.”
“…Very well. But only upon the sill. And you must remain at a distance or I’ll leave here forever.”
“Agreed.”
I listened for his retreating footsteps before I spread my wings and softly glided down to the large windowsill. Dante released a quick gasp. Then his smile lit up the whole castle.
“Why do you choose that form?” I asked.
“I thought you would be more at ease if you were with the man you once loved. Not the vile creature you once hated.”
I laughed. “I have learned the hard way not to see with my eyes only. Take your true form, as I have mine. So no walls remain between us.”
His smile remained as vivid as ever when Dante slowly faded and Prince Merodach stood before me.
“My liege.” I bowed.
“Never kneel before me, Jenevier. You are the only one in all creation who should claim such an honor.”
“You flatter me, Sire.”
“No, Milady. I have not the words. You are breathtaking. It’s all I can do to keep my feet fixed to this spot. I want to touch your lovely hair more than I want air in my lungs.”
I sat down upon the sill, inclining my head toward him. Merodach took one cautious step. And seeing that I did not move, he slowly approached me. Gently taking a single pink curl, he twisted it around his finger.
“It’s as soft as it is beautiful.”
I patted the spot beside me. The Prince sat down and tucked my hair behind my ear, showing my sapphire scar.
“May I?” he asked.
“You may.”
His warm fingertips gently traced the outline of my glistening flaw.
“It only adds to your glory,” he whispered.
I leaned my head upon his strong shoulder and sighed at the small moment of splendid peace I’d been granted. Merodach put his arm around my weary shoulders and gave me a little squeeze.
“Do we not make the most unlikely pair?” he said with a smile. “Never in my wildest dreams could I have hoped to be your comforter, Milady.”
I laughed. I couldn’t help myself. My soft laughter slowly turned into bitter tears as I choked out all that had happened to me since the moment he’d placed his mark upon my hand. Merodach’s sorrowful tears dripped upon my head as he held me against his chest, listening intently to every word I uttered between shaky sobs.
“I will never be able to undo all the wrongs I have caused you. There’s not enough magic in all the layers and heaven itself for me to show you how dreadfully sorry I am. Do not hate me for this, tiny Princess, but I frequently thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you’ve endured to make me the man I am today. I owe you everything—my wealth, my happiness, my soul. Jenevier, I owe you my very life. Speak to me now of your fondest wish, your heart’s desire, and see it done. I can never repay you fully. But please give me the chance to present you with some small comfort.”
“You have shown me more comfort than any other being has in years. Not counting the days Vittorio and I spent in my new paradise… this has soothed me more than all your gold could buy. Gratitude, Merodach, for holding me while I cried. Thank you for listening to my story. And thank you most of all just for caring.”
“My love, if this is all you require of me, then I will gladly sit upon this sill and comfort you for all eternity. You are my whole world. I just didn’t realize it until it was too late.”
“And I didn’t understand until this very moment.” I drew in a ragged breath. “And that’s comforting as well.”
“Will you stay with me?” he whispered, lightly kissing the top of my head.
“You know I cannot.”
“You could.”
“And remain a recluse in your ivory tower? Never free to leave these walls for fear of being seen? Do you forget your lovely wife? This would be the ultimate betrayal to her. You are not that man anymore, Merodach. And I have never been that woman. Just know the tenderness you’ve shown me this day will live in my heart for all time. I will revisit it in my mind and be thankful for having felt so cherished.”
His arm tightened around me. “I won’t let you go.”
I chuckled softly. “You cannot stop me.”
“I know… but, perhaps…” He paused; unspoken words left hanging upon his perfect lips.
“What? What’s playing out behind those enchanting eyes of yours?”
“What you have become is a blessing and a curse as well,” he continued.
“Yes, this is known.”
“What if the cursed part could be removed and only the blessing remain?”
“How is this? The curse and the blessing are the same. To remove one is to remove the other.”
“What if you could choose to remove the things about your transformation that cause you the most pain? Would you do it?”
“…The thought scares me. Merodach, with each change that has befallen me, I’ve become a new creature, a new woman. The hardest part is getting used to the difference, assimilating your existence. To remove the change would promise nothing less. This is who I am to be now. I only need to find where I am to be now.”
“But if I could make your skin like mine again, you could remain in Ashgard. Potions can be made to change hair color. So that part wouldn’t be a problem. What do you think?”
I sat up and wiped away the drying tears. Turning to face Merodach, I took his hands in mine.
“What do you think? Would you want my Angel skin replaced?”
“No, it’s breathtaking. But if it meant you could stay, would you be willing to sacrifice it?”
“Sacrifice it?” I shook my head wearily. “I am so very tired of sacrificing. Th
e whole of my life has been one gut-wrenching sacrifice after the next. I have this skin for a reason, sweet Prince. I have this scar for a reason. This hair, these eyes—they’re mine for a reason. They have a purpose. I’m only postponing the lonely journey that’ll lead me to where I am needed, to where I now belong.”
“But you wouldn’t have to leave.”
“Merodach, you dance with folly. All creatures have their purpose. Life is pain and change is hard. I should be used to it by now. Being alone is nothing to be afraid of. Yet I will admit… I do not welcome it again so soon. Alas, your kind deed now will only cause me needless suffering in the future.”
“Please, let me do something, anything. Free your tongue, Milady, and see your desires quenched.”
“Ahh, my handsome Prince, you serve as bond for wounded heart. You have pieced me back together. I wish for nothing more.”
“My love, life is violent and cruel by nature.” He touched the scar on my cheek. “When something good and precious comes along, you’ve got to stop and celebrate it.”
I smiled. “And that’s what we just did.”
“What can I say? What words will make a difference? What will convince you to stay with me?”
“Merodach, please. This is like being ripped in half. No matter which way I turn, no matter which path I choose, someone I love will be hurt. Everything is temporary… you just keep breathing, keep living. I journey on with the faith that one day, loss and grief shall give way to triumph and joy.”
“And that day is here, my love. I can give you the joy you deserve. If only you will let me.”
“Then there’s only one way for this to end, sweet Prince… by me walking away.” I kissed Merodach upon his cheek and rested my forehead against his. “Who would have ever guessed this is how the two of us would end up?”
“I always knew somewhere deep inside, you were the very maiden who would break my heart,” he said through his tears.
“I love you, too,” I whispered.
He ran his strong hands up my back, gently pressing me to him. I could feel his heart racing as he moved his lips closer to mine. I didn’t pull away, yet he feared I would. His strong and tender kiss was as loving as his words had been. I knew letting this continue was dangerous, but I was unwilling to let him go. His ardent desire for me was not in passion alone. He was ruled by a primal need for me. Merodach needed me. Above all things, he simply needed me. The feeling accompanying that revelation was one of the purest things I’d ever felt. I let the passion of that intense feeling show in the kiss I then returned to my Prince. He moaned and held me tighter. We melted together… we were lost. And I will always be grateful for what happened next.