by JK Ensley
“Why didn’t you take the good King up on his offer?” she casually asked.
Somehow, Vareen seemed to be getting farther away. I couldn’t catch up to her. “What? I can’t hear you anymore.”
The elegant woman stopped and turned to face me, repeating her question.
I was shocked by her words, and the superior look upon her regal face only served to ignite my temper. “How can you ask me this? He wished to remove my… my reward. The only thing I have to show for all my sacrifices, all my pain, all my bitter tears. Why would I ever willingly relinquish it?”
“You told him as you just told me… you wish to be normal. The only thing holding you back from the normality you seek is your mask, your markings, your reward.”
I had no answer. I was torn by her words and what my new soul was screaming within me. How is it I remain so ignorant of only the most obvious of things? I dance around my life, dance around my destiny, completely oblivious to its presence.
“I am a fool,” I whispered.
Her voice softened. “Do you truly want to be normal?”
“No, I was mistaken. Normal was the wrong word. I do not wish for normality. I wish for… for… happiness.”
Vareen closed her eyes, nodding her head gently. “Ahh, happiness. That’s a much better way of expressing the pain your solitude and loneliness has placed within your heart.” She looked back to me with moistening eyes. “If happiness is what you seek, why do you run from Varick? No creature alive wishes you more happiness than does my only son. Do you no longer hold him as treasure?”
With just the mention of his name, I was immediately filled with a suffocating guilt. “Of course I do. It’s just… just… I cannot forgive myself for betraying him, for betraying his love.” My voice lowered. I could barely speak at all. “Even if he could profess to the whole of creation that he bears not one mark against me, even then… I could never forgive myself.”
“Then there is nothing my son can do to fix your heart. You have chosen to remain broken inside. Not even God will force you to heal. This you must decide for yourself.” A fierce determination grew in her angelic eyes. “For the love you once held for Varick, for the esteem he still holds you in… let him go.”
Her words were a knife through my soul. “Wha-what are you saying, Vareen? I bind him not. I have placed no claim upon him.”
“Upon his heart, you have.” Sorrow now racked her voice. “If he ever held worth to you, let him go,” she whispered pleadingly.
I could feel my heart slipping around inside my chest. What she said was true, I could never deny that. But my selfish heart wanted to chain him to me, fiercely cleave to the man I would always love. Yes, I am horrible and evil and jealous.
“But… but… I know not how.” I choked out the bitter lie.
“Then you must find a way for him to let you go. If you cannot convince him to quit loving you, he will suffer for eternity. Break the tie that binds you. Release his tethered heart. Do not leave my son in mourning for you, ever again.” Her warning was laced with a bit of fire. “I don’t expect you to understand, not now. When you choose to become a mother, then you will know.”
Vareen continued on toward her home. But my feet were frozen, my legs refused to obey.
How can I force Varick to stop loving me? Did I even want to? No, of course I didn’t want that. What would my life be like if I was no longer the keeper of his heart? How could I possibly go on without my Alzeen? Why am I so damn selfish? Choose to be a mother? How’s that even possible anymore? Why was I brought back here? What new hell awaits me within this heavenly city? Was I returned to her fair visions only so she could see me suffer? Is this my penance? Can this ancient race not just pick a given day and spend it taking turns ripping chunks from my flesh? That would be far less painful.
I tried to will my wings to open. I wanted to reach the clouds before Vareen even realized I was gone. I tried to think upon the clouds so I could just transport to them. I could do nothing. I was anchored to the ground, completely helpless. I could see she had stopped walking and was looking at me, but my tongue lay dormant behind my clenched teeth.
Oh, how I hated this place. How had I ever mistaken this city for heaven?
My mind continued to race as my body remained frozen. Yes, well, you mistook the pits of hell for heaven as well, did you not? I’m such an idiot! Just go on and piss Varick off and be done with this place. I never belonged here to start with. I’m no longer cursed. Jezreel is no longer cursed. My tiresome journey has finally met its end. Just fly back to Ashgard, beg Merodach to erase Vanahirdem from your mind. I am Jenevier Olesia Embarr, and my place in this world is to be a healer. Yes… that’s it, then.
With my mind made up, I began centering my nerves, slowly regaining my faculties. Then I heard the odd voice, perhaps in my head. I wasn’t sure.
“Tell me, fragile little Princess. Why would you settle yourself to being nothing more than a common healer? What do you fear? Nothing, that’s what. You are fierce, ferocious, beloved of hell. Never settle, little one, never. Think about it. You stood face to face with the mighty soul-eater, the only one of his kind, and swore to kill him. Do you have any idea who he is or what he’s capable of? I know, and even I tremble with that knowledge. If I were asked, I’d have to say you’re the first. Well, you’re the first who defied him… and lived. You taught the mighty Ahriman what regret felt like. And I dare say, it was the bitterest pill he has ever had to swallow. I will admit this only to you. I chuckled a bit when I heard that. Don’t fault me. Never has anyone been able to withstand his temptation, ever. He is the master of his game, mercilessly so. Yet your blatant dismissal of hell’s Hand has already become legend, as has his growing obsession with you, Princess. He desires you so badly he goes about in secret, defying your husband and his Prince. You lit a fire within that fallen amethyst Angel that even fear for his own hide cannot quench. Yes, you are deliciously ferocious. A tiny, colorful, naïve baby Angel who strolled right into the heart of the Underworld, accidentally caused the Prince of Hell more pain than the Father ever could, and then struck the terrifying soul-eater across his perfect alabaster face. You are a Queen, Milady—a fearless celestial ruler, not a paltry little village healer.”
I returned Vareen’s unreadable gaze and realized she was not the one speaking. She wasn’t even focusing on me at all. Her hardening glare was locked on something or someone behind me.
Are we not alone? I thought.
Once my concentration had been broken… that strange frozen feeling returned. Confused, I began my centering process over again.
“There’s really no use in all that straining and fussing. Be still now, let me have you. No other creature outside the realm of the Underworld can appreciate your glory as well as I can. There are secrets buried within you, Princess, dark secrets. I will show them to you, empower you. Relinquish your futile control, Milady. I only wish to help you. Help you achieve what it is you are meant to be.”
My gaze shot back to Vareen. Tears were pouring down her cheeks. She slowly shook her head back and forth, her mouth forming the word “No.” But I couldn’t be certain. Everything was playing out in extreme slow motion.
Varick suddenly appeared in her doorway, immediately assessing this strange scene. He moved as a blur. In the next instant, a wall of angelic force slammed against me, lifting me into the air.
*****
My screams of panic were still emanating from my lungs when the slow motion sensation faded.
I found myself in Vareen’s parlor. Clamping my hands over my unyielding mouth, I fell to my trembling knees and tried desperately to cease my wretched cries, choke off my screams.
“Are you okay? Look at me, Jenevier. Look at me. Focus on my voice. You are safe now. Don’t worry, child. He cannot enter here. You were still too close to the gate.”
“The gate?” I mumbled.
“Yes, child, that’s it. Can you hear me now? Varick, what’s taking so long?” V
areen yelled back over her shoulder.
“I was too close to the gate?”
My words sounded so far away. Varick’s response to his mother’s question echoed from an even greater distance.
I called out to him. “Varick… Varick… Where are you? I need to talk to you.” Darkness was encompassing my vision; I could only see through a tiny dot in front of my eyes.
“I’m here, my love.” He grabbed my reaching hands. “Speak to me. Crush my swelling fears.”
“You must go on without me. I cannot bear the guilt of owning your heart. I am not worthy the blessed honor. I don’t want you to love me anymore. I will never be able to be your Anicee.”
My words were slurred, out of focus. The room wouldn’t cease its spinning. I could feel Varick’s hands upon my shoulders but I couldn’t see his face, only Vareen’s came within my narrowing vision.
“That can wait, child. Here, drink this,” she was saying.
I turned my head, spitting the bitter fluid upon the ground. A firm hand gripped my chin, holding me still, squeezing and pulling until I opened my mouth once more.
“But you told me to tell Vari—”
My words were choked off by the vile drink being poured into my open mouth. The hand gripping my chin forced my jaw shut, tilting my head back. The horrible concoction ran down my throat as I struggled for freedom.
“Mother, why would she say such a thing?”
Again my mouth was pried open, and again, I was force-fed by Vareen. The vise-like hand finally relaxed its hold. I pulled free from my captors, crawled upon my hands and knees, coughing and gasping for air before I collapsed onto my side, drawing in each ragged breath with great concentration. I barely noticed the strong arms lifting me up, laying me upon the bed.
“Wh-what did you do to me?”
“I saved you, my love,” Varick whispered. “I must needs make it my full-time job.”
A fit of coughing heaved my body upwards, convulsing my entire form. Varick climbed onto the bed behind me, crossed my arms over my hacking chest, and held them in place with one massive hand while he used the other to gently pat my back.
“Perhaps some of it got in your lungs. Just cough it out. I’ll stay right here. I will not leave you, Jenevier, nor will I let you go away from me again. I must ask you to consent to amending the promise you swore to me. No longer can you just tell me you are leaving, you must now ask me.” Varick chuckled into the mass of tangled curls at the back of my head. “It’s too hard to constantly be rescuing you unless I remain forever at your side.”
I tried to choke out words in between coughs. “But you… are… sad… because…”
“Shhh, don’t try to talk. The coughing will soon pass. Then you can proclaim your undying love and gratitude.” He kissed my cheek.
I coughed and gagged until I burst a blood vessel in my eye. My head pulsed and ached. Varick placed a pillow over my chest and told me to squeeze it when I coughed as he continued to drum upon my back. Eventually, black stuff rose up in my throat. I spat it out. This went on for the better part of a whole day.
I was exhausted. In between coughing fits, I lay back against his sculpted chest and slept when I could. Mostly, I just closed my eyes and tried to rest. It was during one such time that Vareen came into the room and spoke with Varick.
“Mother, how was he able to go so deep? How long were you standing there?”
“It all happened so fast. Only seconds had passed from my realization to your appearance. Only seconds, Varick.”
“Only seconds? How?”
“I have no idea. He had to be waiting for her. Somehow, he knew she would be here. He must have seized her the moment she appeared from the clouds. I don’t know how else to explain it.”
“What did he say?”
“I heard him not. If he spoke at all, it was to her alone.”
“Why did she tell me not to love her? Why were those the first words from her lips? Do you think he planted the thought in her mind?”
“No, my son. That sin is mine alone,” Vareen admitted.
“But why, Mother? I could sooner pull the stars down from the heavens. How can you wound me so?”
“Because, dear boy, I am weary of heart.” She released a heavy sigh. “Watching you slowly diminish before my very eyes, I can bear it no longer. I would rather your pain mass into a single moment and be gone, than to watch you be slowly poisoned by it for a millennia.”
“That’s not a decision you get to make, Mother. My heart is mine own. I will give it to whomever I deem worthy. Jenevier is my choice, my only choice. I do not regret our love, no matter what shall come of it in time.”
“I am sorry. A mother’s eyes are clouded where her children are concerned. Forgive me.”
“There is nothing to forgive. But know this. If I am not hers… then I am no one’s. I would rather face eternity clinging to a faint glimmer of love than to march headlong into it with only solitude as my companion.”
Words were falling from my lips before I even realized I was speaking. “I will no longer be weak. I will be strong for you, Varick. I will guard not only your back, but your heart as well. From this day forth, I will stand at your side, shoulder to shoulder, blade in hand,” I rasped out the whisper.
His arms around me tightened. “I thought you slept, my love.”
“I rest.” I tried to smile.
“Did you mean it?”
I still couldn’t open my eyes. “With all the tiny little pieces of my heart, yes, I meant it.”
“Then, that’s that.” He squeezed me against him. “Love, marriage, family, or none of them, we will always remain together,” he whispered. “Side by side.”
“Always,” I agreed.
“And that’ll do for now.” I could hear his smile, even if I couldn’t see it.
Varick tenderly ran his fingers through my tangled locks. And there we stayed. Lying upon my Guardian Angel’s chest, his arms about me—this was the calm place I had been looking for.
This was my normal. This whole messed up scene… this was my happiness.
Then, I slept.
Chapter 42
Varick
(VAH-rick)
“This fruit is delicious. What do you call it?”
“Tissamon.”
“Tisa… Tissa… Whatever you name it, it’s now my favorite. I believe I could live off of it alone. Or perhaps I’m just famished. I feel as if I’ve lost five pounds.”
“You look as if you’ve lost at least that much. Your cheeks are hollow and shaded.”
Varick’s voice sounded so sad. He wiped some juice from my chin, fingering one of the curls hanging loose in my face.
“Are you saying I’m ugly?” I reached out and ran my fingers through his beautiful hair.
“Far from it. But you do look drained and tired. Are you sure you’re up for this? We don’t have to go right now. It can wait.”
“No, it cannot.” I crinkled up my nose. “I can even smell myself. It’s disgusting. I am disgusting. Besides, I want to see the hot springs, you promised.”
“Yes, I promised. But the healing waters would—”
“No.” I cut him off. “We have discussed this already. I will never return to those precious pools again.”
“My love, you do realize that wasn’t a healing pool Apollyon immersed you in, do you not? The primordial ooze in which you bathed with that darkest of Angels could never heal you. Change you, yes. But never heal.”
“I understand, Varick.” I made a clicking noise with my tongue and rolled my eyes. “I do not wish to speak on the subject any further.” I looked back to my bowl of fruit. “And I’m certain he’s not the darkest of all Angels,” I mumbled.
“Oh, but he is, my love. It is a true testament to your pureness, the fact that you were able to draw love from a stone heart created void of such emotion.”
“It wasn’t my pureness that changed him.” I glared at the gentle man before me. “It was those forsak
en waters, or ooze, or whatever the hell you want to call it. Not me. I’m not good.”
“You are good. And that only goes to prove my point.”
“Which is?”
“That the exchange between you was mutual.” His eyes remained soft as he looked at my filthy face. “Apollyon was not created to feel. It’s simply not possible. It’s not his purpose. You could sooner squeeze milk from a ruby. When you blended, or healed, or melted… you not only received his gifts, but you shared your own as well. You laced his ebony pinions with light.”
A knot grew in the pit of my stomach. “As he laced mine with dark.”
“…Something like that,” he whispered.
We sat in silence for a long moment, lost in our own thoughts. I pushed the remaining fruit around with my fork, staring at it but only seeing my lost husband’s blue eyes sparkling as he told me over and over how much he loved me.
“Can you hear my thoughts?” I asked.
Varick laughed softly and turned back toward me. “Now where in the world did that come from?”
I met his gaze. “Can you?”
“No, my love, I cannot hear your thoughts. Were I to be granted a wish, I believe that would be the one. Your thoughts are a terrifying mystery to me, tiny Angel. I cannot begin to guess what it is you will do next. Why do you ask?”
“I heard the Mermaid’s thoughts and they heard mine.”
“Yes, but that is true for their kind. It works the same no matter who communes with the Merfolk.”
“So, that man… was he a Mermaid?”
Varick chuckled. “Well if he was, he would be a Merman.” He winked at me then. “Who is it you speak of?”
“I know not. The one who put that wretched black stuff inside me, is he a Merman?”
Varick’s eyes widened. “You spoke with him?”
His instant agitation set my nerves on edge, brought about a sick feeling to accompany the knot in the pit of my stomach. I pushed the bowl of fruit away. I no longer had an appetite.
I swallowed hard. “Yes. He spoke to me. He spoke inside me.”