I grabbed her by the ass and threw her over my right shoulder.
“Put me down, you brute!” she screamed and pounded on my back.
I marched out the door with Doughboy in tow. She kept up her little meltdown until we got to the fifth floor. When she saw the mutilated bodies, she finally shut up and stopped beating on me. I had intended on carrying her all the way to the bottom of the tower, but I hadn’t yet looted the bodies of the goblins, and they might have something useful on them.
“You think you can walk from here?” I asked.
“Just put me down!”
I set her on the ground, and she slapped my hand away. “Don’t ever touch me again. You would lose your hands for something like that in my kingdom,” she said and slapped at her dress as though I had left my dirty manliness on her.
“If you want to help, you can go through that headless goblin’s pockets,” I said in jest, and she made a snide face.
Instead of pants, the goblins wore leather jerkins and a skirt of leather armor with lappets fashioned from thick lizard tails. Some of them wore chain mail and helms, but the craftsmanship of the armor left much to be desired.
I searched for pockets but didn’t find any. The goblin did have a small coin purse attached to the skirt armor. I found it by pulling on a thin chain attached to the belt, which produced the purse from beneath the goblin’s bulbous belly. I shook it and heard a metallic jingle. It had no zipper but rather a snap button. I popped it open, emptied the contents into my left palm, and marveled at the brass coins that fell out.
“What are these?” I asked Evangeline.
“Goblin junk money. You won’t find anything useful on those dirtballs.”
“Who’s this on the coin?”
“The Goblin King, who else?” she said, like she thought I was slow.
“What are these worth in your kingdom?” I asked, attempting to bend a coin. It didn’t budge.
“I told you, it’s junk.”
“One man’s junk is another man’s treasure. Ever heard that one before?”
She rolled her eyes and settled back into her resting bitch face.
“There have to be collectors who would trade for these,” I said. “I think I’ll hold on to them.”
“Get off!” the princess yelled at Doughboy, who was humping her leg.
“D, get off the nice lady,” I said halfheartedly and laughed.
Princess Evangeline kicked him right between the legs, and he flew across the room and hit the wall with a thud.
“Atta girl,” I said. “See, you’re not so helpless after all.”
“Exactly who do you think you are, talking to me like that?” she asked with a scowl.
“Someone’s got to.” I returned to my looting.
“Listen, Baker,” she said with a sassy, side to side bob of her head. “I don’t know where you’re from, but where I come from, and in all civilized lands, people know to show royalty the utmost respect.”
“Where I come from, we don’t have royalty.” I took another coin purse from the next goblin. Inside were five copper coins and a simple brass ring. “Besides, I give respect where respect is due.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You need to learn to chill, babe.”
“Babe!” she protested indignantly.
I checked the last goblin, found nothing, and left her to bitch to herself by walking down to the fourth level.
“Don’t you turn your back on me,” she screamed.
“What a nutcase,” I said to Doughboy, and I swear he chuckled.
“Hey, watch this.” I grabbed a headless goblin and pulled it over to the stairwell opening.
The princess was still going on about how much trouble I would be in if we were in her kingdom. I hid to the right of the door and waited for her to get closer. When she appeared, I bounded into her path with the dead goblin in front of me and yelled, “Rah!”
Boy, did she scream.
The high-pitched shriek hurt my ears, but the look on her face was priceless.
“Why would you do that?” she shouted, red in the face.
“Because you needed a good scare, and it was really, really funny.”
“You nearly stopped my heart.” She leaned against the doorframe, panting and clutching her chest.
“Bet you feel good now, don’t you?” I offered her a quick wink.
“I think I would rather stay trapped in this tower than spend another second with you, let alone days.”
“No you wouldn’t. You just watch. I’m going to grow on you.”
“Like a fungus, no doubt.”
I laughed. “Pretty and funny. Not a bad combo.”
She liked that compliment, and I could tell that no matter how she postured, she cared what I thought of her.
“Let’s keep moving,” I said and took the stairs down to the next level. A quick glance over my shoulder told me she was rushing to follow, and I grinned to myself.
When we emerged from the tower, there were ravens flying in circles around it. There had to have been thirty of them.
“Looks like someone likes goblin meat,” I said.
“They aren’t here to eat,” said the princess. She was no longer bitchy but soft and afraid. “Those are the Goblin King’s spies. He knows I’ve escaped!”
“What do you mean?” I asked as I studied the birds. “He can speak raven?”
“No, you idiot. He can see through their eyes.”
“Really.” I raised two middle fingers. “Hey, Goblin King, suck on these!”
“What are you doing?” she screeched and pulled my arms down. “You will only incur his wrath.”
“Fuck the Goblin King,” I said loud enough for the birds to hear.
They cawed and flew faster, then a bunch of them veered off and divebombed us.
“Get back!” I warned and pushed her into the doorway.
I pulled the door closed just in time. Four loud thuds sounded on the other side of the door.
“I think I got his attention,” I said between laughter.
“You are a moron.”
The sound of the ravens faded, and I glanced out the door. They were flying toward land, so I cautiously emerged from the tower. The dead goblins near the shore remained undisturbed. I thought of the heavy keychain in my pocket.
“What did they feed you?” I asked Evangeline.
“This is no time to think about food.”
“Actually, this is the perfect time to think about food. You said we’d be traveling for days or maybe weeks. We’re going to need supplies.”
“Princesses don’t worry about supplies,” she said, and I wanted to smack her.
“I’m not your personal servant. I’m not spoon-feeding you or wiping your ass. We’re on the run, Your Worship, and we need to fend for ourselves.”
“How dare you—”
“What did they feed you? Get with the program.”
She glared. “They fed me food, what do you think?”
“Like real food? Human food?”
“Barely. Mostly dried meat, moldy bread, and stinking cheese.”
“They must have a storage room around here somewhere,” I said and walked around the tower.
After making nearly a complete circuit around the tower, I noticed a small bucket of rainwater fed by a drain. More importantly, there was a door beside the bucket. It was thick and had a bigass lock, but at the moment it was cracked open about two inches. I gestured to the princess to be quiet and stand back with Doughboy, then I kicked the door open.
The room was dark and windowless, but by the light bleeding in from the outside I could see it was small, perhaps ten feet deep, and a short set of stairs lead downward. There could have been someone lying in wait down where the shadows were deepest, so I sent Doughboy in to scout things out.
“What exactly is that thing anyway?” she asked with a mild look of disgust as Doughboy padded into the room. He was currently in humanoid shape, with big wide fe
et, thin legs, and apish arms that hung from a blobby body.
“He’s a sentient wad of Roman Romano pizza dough. He’s yeast, olive oil, salt, flour, water, a few secret ingredients, and 100 percent badass.”
No sooner had I spoken than a pot-bellied goblin shot out from under a burlap bag with Doughboy latched onto its head like a facehugger from Alien. I pushed Evangeline behind me and buried the pizza shovel in the goblin’s chest. The creature went down hard, and Doughboy rolled off.
The princess had screamed when the goblin shrieked, and she was still screaming. Apparently she had never seen someone kill anything in her entire life, because she wouldn’t shut up, even when I grabbed her shoulders and gave her a little shake.
“Evangeline!” I yelled in her face, but she kept staring at the dead goblin with the half-melted face and yelling.
I shook her again and considered giving her a “snap out of it” slap from the old black and white movies, but I didn’t think that would go over so hot. Instead of cold-cocking her, I grabbed the bucket of storm water and doused her with it.
The princess took in a shocked breath. I had really nailed her with it, and there‘d been more water in the bucket than I thought. Her hair and face were soaked, and her dress pressed tight against her perky tits.
“Why did you do that?” she fumed.
She looked like a wet poodle, and I could barely contain my laughter.
“Why did you keep screaming like that?” I countered.
“You chopped a goblin in half in front of me, and your demonic dough ate half his face off.”
“His name is Doughboy, and what can I say? He likes to eat goblin heads. But you can’t scream like a fucking nutcase every time we take out some goblins. It’s a long way back to Kansas, sweetheart, and I’m assuming we’ll be up to our necks in monsters. You can’t be pissing and moaning every two seconds or screaming every time we slay some freaks. Do you understand?”
She stood there simmering in her angry sauce and wet as a newborn fawn.
“I need you to tell me you understand.”
“Oh, I understand,” she said in a sinister whisper. She walked over and poked my chest. “Now you get something through that thick head of yours. My father is the king of—”
“Your father isn’t here. I am,” I growled, and all the fury went out of her. “He didn’t send a fleet to rescue you. He didn’t send knights or heroes. He didn’t do shit. But the goddess answered your prayers. She sent me.”
“My father sent people to find me. I know he did. But no one knew where I was. I ran away, and the Goblin King snatched me up.”
“Whatever. The point is you need to get home, and you can’t do it alone. You have no experience in the bush, and you have no combat experience. I do, so if you want to stay alive, you need to listen to me.”
“You do not give me orders.”
“You need to look at things a little differently,” I said, trying to think of a way to get through to her. “Okay, imagine you’re in shark-infested waters, and I throw you a lifeline and say, ‘Grab hold of the line.’ Am I giving you an order or instructions that will keep you from dying?”
“I guess….” She didn’t want to give me even this small victory, but she surprised me when she said, “All right, I understand what you’re saying.”
“Good. Because right now you’re in shark-infested waters, and I’m the only person trying to help you. If I ask you to do something—”
“Yeah, yeah, it’s for my own good. Are you going to get me a towel or something to soak up this water?”
“No. I like looking at your nipples.”
She sucked in a shocked breath and covered her tits.
“Just kidding,” I said with a laugh. “I can’t see shit through that thick corset or whatever that thing is you’re wearing. Why don’t you take it off?”
“I bet you would like that, wouldn’t you, pervert?”
“I didn’t mean go topless. I meant the corset. It can’t be easy walking around in that thing. You look like you’re about to stroll the red carpet. Well, you did before you got all wet.”
“You got me wet,” she reminded me with that sexy bitch scowl.
“That’s what she said.” I winked.
She cocked her head at me, clearly confused, but then her eyes widened, and I think she even blushed a little.
“What were we talking about before you confessed I’d made you wet?”
“You are a vulgar beast of a man.”
“Wait till my beard grows out. You won’t be able to keep your hands off me.”
“When my father hears how you have spoken to me, he—”
“Won’t hear shit if you get us killed over a stupid dress. You need to lose it and wear something less conspicuous. You need different shoes, too. High heels? Seriously?”
“I’m a prin—”
“No shit, but we’re not going to a gala, for Pete’s sake. We’re trekking through monster-infested wilds, so dress accordingly. I can send Doughboy up to your chamber for different clothes.”
“I have only dresses in my wardrobe.”
“Of course you do.” I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed. “Maybe I can find some armor that fits and doesn’t smell like goblin balls. You can wear my T-shirt, and we can cut my pants down to length. Slap a belt on it and you’ll look—”
“I’ll look like a peasant. I would rather die.”
“You keep saying you’re a princess, but you are one hell of a drama queen,” I told her. “Shark-infested waters, remember? You need to listen to me on this one. If you think about it, you’ll understand it isn’t smart for a fucking princess to walk around in Goblinland in a huge dress that says ‘Hey, over here. I’m the princess your boss is looking for.”
“Fine!” she screamed and stormed away. “I’ll find something less conspicuous.”
“D, go with her. Keep her out of trouble.” He made a fart noise with every step as he went by, but I stopped him. “And don’t eat her face.”
I finally had a chance to scope out the place. The birds had flown away, but if I had raven spies, I would use them to watch from a distance. I had to assume the Goblin King knew who I was, that the princess had escaped, and he was sending backup or would be coming in person.
I stepped over the dead goblin and walked down the stairs. It was about twenty degrees cooler here, and there was a surprisingly large stockpile of food—if you could call it food. Large organs I thought might be kidneys hung on the right wall, but they were way bigger than a human’s. They might have been smoked. All I knew for certain was the room smelled like shit. There was no way I was eating whatever the hell was hanging on the wall. Somewhere they had food fit for a princess.
After searching for a few more minutes, I found the dried meat she’d mentioned. I tried some, and it tasted like nearly flavorless beef jerky, but it was better than nothing, and it was a hell of a lot better than whatever was hanging on the wall. I found a small pile of bread inside a crate, but it was well beyond edible. The cheese was in a separate crate; it had a thick white skin on it that once broken, revealed creamy yellow cheese that smelled similar to cheddar.
I stashed some food in my backpack and filled a sack with more. I inspected a large crate stashed under some furs. Inside was a leather jerkin, cool pauldrons, and three sets of chain mail of different sizes. There were gauntlets and shin guards, as well, and mismatched pieces of gear. I tossed the furs on the crate, hefted the load, and left the smelly storeroom.
I was hoping that by some miracle the princess had managed to find something less lavish to wear, but she and Doughboy were nowhere in sight, and knowing women, it was going to take a while.
I took the time to go through the crate of gear and was gladdened when one of the shirts of mail fit me perfectly. The pauldrons fit as well, and I hoisted them onto my shoulders like a football player and tied all the straps. None of the gauntlets fit me, but the mail and pauldrons were a good start. I thought one of
the leather jerkins would fit the princess, so I tossed that into the keep pile, along with the furs.
It occurred to me that one of the goblin’s crossbows would come in handy, so I went back up to the bodies near the shack and snatched one up, along with a quiver of short bolts. I noticed a nice looking dagger strapped to the headless goblin’s belt and relieved him of it. When I pulled the blade from its sheath, it sang with a fine metallic ring. The dagger looked like it was made of steel, but I didn’t know if they had that metal on this world. I tested it against the crate beside me, and the dagger stick a good inch into the wood. The tip didn’t bend at all, and the knife was sharp as hell. It didn’t look anything like the goblin’s cruder weapons, and I guessed they got it off someone else.
I loaded everything in the boat, then broke out the map and tried to figure out where the hell I was. There was nothing marked Goblinland, and there was no red dot with the words you are here beneath it. The left side was dominated by a large continent kind of shaped like a hammer, and the right side was mostly broken island chains, with a few smaller continents scattered about.
I looked at the still cloudy sky and waited for a bare patch to reveal something of use. Perhaps if I knew which way the sun was moving, I could determine which way was west—if the sun rose in the east and set in the west, like on Earth. I saw the ringed planet again. It had drifted toward the sea.
When Doughboy and Evangeline finally returned, I gave myself a face palm. She had changed her clothes and now wore a dark red dress that puffed out at the bottom like a bell. She had reapplied her makeup and dried, brushed, and curled her hair as well. To my further vexation, she carried a hefty suitcase in each hand.
“I am ready, Jake Baker,” she announced with the air of a royal pain in the ass.
“You did your hair?”
“I wasn’t going out in public looking like a wet rat.”
“We’re not going into public! We’re going… I don’t know where the hell we’re going. Where does the sun set?”
“What?”
“Which direction does the sun set?
“In the west,” she said. “What kind of champion doesn’t know that?”
“A champion from another world,” I reminded her and looked for the sun behind the storm clouds. “There it is.” I pointed. “That way is west. Good to know. Which way is your kingdom?”
Monster World Page 3