Beside me, Doughboy growled and made himself taller. The monkeys screeched as one and pointed at me. They dropped their weapons and kowtowed before me.
“What’s happening?” Eva asked, peering out from behind me.
“I don’t know.”
An old monkey with more gray hair than tan or orange, and a huge honker of a nose that drooped down over his mouth, approached me reverently. He held his long arms up and out as he bowed and crouched, and in his hands he held a clay tablet.
“What’s this?” I asked, and he deferentially handed it to me, saying, “Ginclaw, Ginclaw Boogapaw!”
I accepted the tablet, and a laugh escaped me. On it was a crude drawing of a humanoid figure standing on the beach with the sun behind him, and one arm was raised holding a weapon that looked suspiciously identical to my pizza shovel.
“Ginclaw,” said the old monkey, pointing at the tablet. Then he pointed at me. “Ginclaw Boogapaw.”
“Ginclaw Boogapaw,” every monkey repeated.
“What are they saying?” Eva asked.
“I think they believe I’m some kind of a god.”
“Ginclaw Boogapaw,” the old monkey repeated and bowed many times.
“Yup,” I said with a laugh. “They definitely think I’m a god. I guess that’s a bit of luck.” I waved the shovel and yelled, “I am Ginclaw Boogapaw! ”
The monkeys lost their shit and kissed the ground at my feet, raising their arms and chanting my new name.
“What nonsense!” the princess blurted and walked out from behind me. “I am Princess Evangeline of Fenzindel!”
The monkeys stopped their chanting and looked at her quizzically.
“Princess Evangeline,” she said in disbelief. “Surely you have heard of me.”
They glanced at each other, shrugged, and went back to chanting my name.
“I’ve got this.” I pointed at the old monkey. “Who are you?”
He looked at me with confusion, and everyone went silent.
“I am Ginclaw… Ginclaw,” I said and pointed at myself. “Who are you?”
He studied my gestures and listened keenly, and I could see his monkey mind working overtime. His face lit up. “Boonboon,” he said happily.
“Boonboon,” I repeated, and the monkeys celebrated the exchange.
“Ginclaw hungry.” I moved my hand to my mouth. “Need food, angry belly.”
Boonboon watched me and put his hand to his mouth. “Goot?”
“Yes, goot,” I rubbed my stomach.
“Ginclaw goot!” he said to the other monkeys. “Ginclaw goot, tut tut uh!”
He gestured at me, and all the monkeys rushed over and took me up on their shoulders. Doughboy growled at them, but I told him it was all right. As they cheered and took me to the woods, I glanced back and saw the princess standing there with crossed arms, looking pissed.
“Are you coming? Oh, and grab my backpack, will you?” I called tauntingly.
Her mouth dropped open.
“You can stay there if you want. Maybe I can have them bring you some food.”
They carried me through the jungle, singing my praises, and when we reached the village, I was surprised to find over a hundred more monkeys waiting for us. They gathered around me as Boonboon announced my arrival, and when I raised my pizza shovel, the entire village groveled at my feet.
The village was in the middle of a clearing beside a rushing river that snaked its way down from the distant hills. It was much like a primitive human village that might be found in places like the deep Amazon. There were hundreds of simple huts covered in woven palm fronds, with mud and grass walls. The monkeys didn’t seem to have fire, and the food hanging from racks or strung up outside huts was nuts, fruits, berries, leaves, and roots.
Boonboon, who seemed to be the chief of the monkey clan, raised his arms high and spoke to his people like a priest might his congregation. He referred to me as Ginclaw Boogapaw more than once, and it wasn’t long before a statue of someone that looked a lot like me and carried a similar weapon was hauled out from the tallest hut.
It was pretty uncanny to see a monkey tribe from another planet depicting me in such detail, and I wondered if they had dreamed about me coming or something. Why did they hold me in such high regard? What did they think I was going to do for them? Or had I already done something?
Fate, destiny, coincidence, luck… I could feel it all working together. There was a magical element to this world and the feeling that anything was possible.
“Jake,” the princess said. “Tell them to stop pawing at me.”
“Stand aside and let her pass!” I commanded, and although they didn’t understand my words, they understood their intent.
The monkeys parted for her, and she rushed up and took my arm dramatically. The male monkeys oohed and awed, while the females chittered angrily and growled low in their throats. The sound was as much threatening as it was cute, and I realized the ladies had a crush on me.
“This is my woman!” I began, and the princess glared at me.
“Excuse me?” she said and arched a brow.
“You want to finally be treated like a princess?” I whispered. “Just go with it.”
She chewed on that for a moment and nodded.
“This is my woman,” I repeated and hugged her. “She is to be treated thusly.”
“Ginda Boogapaw?” the chief asked.
“Yes, this is Ginda,” I told them all.
The monkeys broke into celebration again, and this time we were both taken up on their shoulders. Eva protested and told the monkeys to keep their paws off her ass, and I laughed.
We were brought to the edge of the river, where more than a dozen wide circular pools had been dug out of the bank. To my surprise and the princess’s horror, they urged us to undress and bathe in the clean water. Eva insisted on keeping her undergarments on, so I decided to keep my boxers on as well. We soaked in the warm water. The monkeys lathered us up with soap and washed our hair with a tincture that smelled of honey and flowers.
While we were pampered, our clothes were washed and dried. There was a grand commotion in the village, and I guessed the monkeys were preparing a feast, which sounded pretty sweet. I was starving, and I knew the princess felt the same way.
Once we dried off and put our clothes back on, we were led back to the village, where a banquet was spread out on a long bamboo table. Circular woven pads had been laid on the ground in place of chairs, and we were directed to sit together at the head of the table.
“Enjoying yourself?” I asked her.
“I’m beginning to,” she said with a royal air, nose held high as she scrutinized the food selection.
The offering consisted of dozens of different kinds of fruits, many of which I didn’t recognize. There were also various types of seeds, long stringy roots, colorful berries, and different types of leaves.
A group of females piled three plates high with food and set them before us, waiting expectantly for me to try it. I grabbed a fat fruit that looked like a cross between an apple and a peach and sank my teeth into it. Sweet juices dripped down my chin as flavors of strawberry and banana exploded in my mouth.
The monkeys waited for my reaction, so I nodded happily and offered a loud “Mm.” They cheered and laughed happily, and their goofy faces and big floppy noses even made the princess giggle.
She ate happily, thoroughly enjoying being pampered, and I didn’t mind it a bit either.
The big-nosed monkeys didn’t use fire, but it was needed that night. The sky was clear, and without the Eye of Zodin’s glare, the stars shone brighter than ever.
Rather than sit around a fire, like human tribes from Earth might, the monkeys gathered around a ten-foot-wide pool of crystal-clear water that had three beautiful bioluminescent eels swimming in it. The eels spun figure eights and danced around each other at a hypnotically slow pace. Their grace was mesmerizing, and watching them was as soothing as sharing a good fire.
&
nbsp; The night was spent listening to stories of the legendary Ginclaw, who had, it turned out, saved the big-nosed monkeys from the slave masters who once owned them. As they reenacted the stories, the princess got comfortably close to me, which was a real mind fucker.
One minute she acted like I was a mere peasant, and the next her head was on my shoulder.
She caught me smiling sidelong at her halfway through the monkeys’ third act and acted like she’d been caught doing something wrong.
When the stories ended, and the young monkeys became tired, we were led to one of the larger huts and told with gestures that it was ours to use. We thanked them and retired with a yawning Doughboy.
The hut was more like a twelve-foot-wide yurt. There was a large pole in the middle, a bamboo table and two mats to our left, and on the right was something that made me smile.
“There’s only one bed,” I said.
“Naturally you will be sleeping on the floor,” she said.
“It looks big enough for the both of us.” I hopped on the right side and patted the spot beside me. “It’s comfy. Woven grass and bamboo, I think.”
“You can’t be serious.”
“Why not? I don’t want to sleep on the floor after sleeping in a damn boat all night. Do you?”
“I am a princess and a lady,” she said matter-of-factly. “And neither sleeps with a man she is not married to.”
“I won’t tell if you don’t.” I peeled off my shirt. “I’m tired, you’re tired. Don’t worry, I’m not going to try anything.”
“Try anything?”
“You know, no funny business. Besides, you’re not my type.”
“Not your type?” she huffed. “You have the gall to put us on the same level?”
“I’m a champion sent by a goddess, you’re a princess. Both are pretty impressive titles.”
“My family had been in power for 370 years. Your relatives are simple bakers.”
“Just because my last name is Baker doesn’t mean I come from a family of bakers.”
“You said you were a commoner on your planet.”
“So?”
“So you’re not in the same class as me.”
“You know what?” I said, rising from the bed. “Being the daughter of a king isn’t an accomplishment. It’s an accident of birth. Everything I’ve ever had, I had to work my ass off for. I wasn’t born into a title or given respect just because of my name. We’re not on the same level, sweetheart. Not even close.”
“How dare you—”
“Save it, sister. I’m tired, and until now, I was having a good night.”
“W-well….” she stammered, searching for a comeback, “so was I!”
I took the furs out of the backpack and made myself a bed near the door. When I gestured for Doughboy to join me, he jumped on the princess’s bed. To my surprise, she didn’t seem to mind the company.
“Traitor,” I grumbled as he watched me from the foot of the bed.
As tired as I was, I couldn’t sleep. I thought about Earth and wondered what had happened after I disappeared. My mother would be worried as hell, as would my friends, and I wondered if I would ever get home to them. If I did, I was going to have to think up a reason why I’d disappeared. I couldn’t tell anyone the truth. That would likely land me in the nuthouse.
“Jake, are you awake?” Eva whispered.
“Yeah.”
“I can’t sleep.”
“Try counting sheep.”
“Counting sheep?”
“Never mind.”
“I’m just… we still have so far to go, and I’m scared,” she said in a fragile voice.
“Don’t be. The goddess chose the right champion. I’ll get you home.”
“Jake?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you have a special girl back home?”
The question gave me pause, not because I didn’t know how to answer it, but because I didn’t know why she’d asked. Deep down she was into me, but she wasn’t seriously considering what kind of future we might have together.
I spun Michelle’s ring on my pinky finger, realizing I had forgotten it was there. “I’ve got a few lady friends I hang out with now and again, but nothing serious. What about you? Are you betrothed or something?”
“As a matter of fact, I am,” she said proudly.
“What’s his name? Who is he?”
“His name is Lord Edbert Berdink the Third.”
“Edbert Berdink?” I said with a laugh. “Kind of a goofy name, isn’t it?”
“Edbert is a well-respected man.”
“How old is he?”
Hesitantly, she answered, “Fifty-one.”
“Damn, rob the cradle much?”
“What?”
“Do you love him?” I asked, and the silence that followed was as thick as fog.
“What does that matter?” she finally responded.
“I guess it doesn’t. But I can’t imagine marrying someone I didn’t love.”
“I have been betrothed to the lord since I was twelve years old.”
“Creepy.”
“Why do you care who I marry?”
“I don’t. I was just wondering. So what’s up with the Goblin King? Why did he kidnap you?”
“He is obsessed with my beauty, I think,” she said with a hint of pride, and I rolled my eyes in the dark. “He was keeping me in the tower until I agreed to marry him.”
“I guess it’s a good thing I rescued you”
“It was the goddess who sent you,” she reminded me, “so it was really she who rescued me.”
“The goddess didn’t do shit but bring me here. I did all the work.”
“You are merely her tool.”
“You’re a real piece of work.” I rolled over, done with talking to the spoiled little bitch.
“Why are you angry?” she asked and seemed truly perplexed. “You should be honored by your station.”
“Oh yeah, I feel so honored to be a spoiled princess’s babysitter.”
“I’m not spoiled!”
“Just go to sleep. You’re giving me a headache.”
I slept well that night, despite being on the floor, and when I awoke, Evangeline was gone. I called for Doughboy, but he wasn’t in the hut either. I pulled on my clothes, rushed out the door to find them, and almost collided with her. “Where were you?’
“I was conversing with the chief.” She offered me a sly grin. “Were you worried about me?”
“I didn’t know where you were.”
“Aw, that’s sweet.”
“Don’t let it go to your head, sweetheart,” I said and shouldered my pack. “You’re my ticket off this fucked up planet. That’s why I was concerned.”
“Sure it was.”
“Whatever. I’m going to find something to eat.”
“No need.” She gestured for me to follow. “They’ve prepared another feast.”
“Any chance they got us some meat?” I asked hopefully. The veggies and fruits were better than nothing, but my body craved protein like a smoker craves nicotine.
“No, silly, they’re vegetarians,” she said with a cute little laugh.
We walked through the village, waving to the exuberant monkeys who smiled and shrieked at us.
“What were you talking to the chief about? And how exactly were you talking?” I asked.
“We were using gestures, you know. Though I did teach him a few words, like god, Zodin, heaven… stuff like that.”
“Don’t tell me you’re trying to convert them to… what is it anyway, Zodinism?”
“Zodism,” she corrected. “Of course I was. I like them, and I want to see them saved.”
“Saved from what?”
“The void.”
“Oh, right. Only Zodin can save your soul,” I said in mock religious fervor and made jazz hands.
“You shouldn’t mock Zodin, considering you were brought here by one of his daughters.”
“Oh, s
hit, really? Celesta is one of Zodin’s daughters?”
She nodded, and I reconsidered what it meant for this world to have real gods. I’d met a goddess, but I hadn’t really considered the ramifications of her existence.
The monkeys had indeed prepared another feast, and I filled my belly with as many nuts as possible, for lack of a better source of protein. I watched the princess interact with the big-nosed monkeys. She was beautiful when she smiled, and she looked happier than I’d ever seen her. They had braided her hair, and she’d found makeup, because she looked like she did when I first saw her in the tower. Her corset pressed her breasts against the jerkin, and I stared at her ample cleavage, wondering what her nipples looked like.
She caught me, pursed her lips, and shook her head, but she smiled when she did it. I offered her a wink and popped a piece of succulent fruit into my mouth. I swore she blushed.
I was considering staying with the monkeys for a few days and taking a break from monster slaying, but my daydreams of a peaceful vacation on the island of the big-nosed monkeys was cut short by a heavy drumming.
“What’s that?” I asked the monkey closest to me.
“Whoot na!” he chittered. “Whoot na!”
The others scrambled, picking up their young, and I instinctively understood what was happening.
The drums were an alarm.
Something was coming.
“Stay here,” I told Eva when I noticed a bunch of younger male monkeys scrambling up a big tree.
I climbed up after them, but they were quicker than I was. Eventually I reached the top and looked in the direction they were pointing.
“Son of a bitch.” At least a dozen giant birds were flying toward the island.
One of them must have been scouting ahead, because it flew right over us, nearly grazing the treetop. As it passed, I realized it wasn’t a bird at all, but rather a giant bat the size of a hang glider. Two goblins rode on its back.
The goblins dismounted in the middle of the village, and to my horror, they began hacking the screaming monkeys with swords. I climbed back down the tree as fast as I could without killing myself, and by the time I got to the bottom, Doughboy was already eating the face off one of the goblins. The other one was mercilessly cutting through the monkeys as they tried to protect their young.
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