“Hear, hear!” said everyone in the clan, including Scarlett.
We clanged glasses and drank, even the princess, and when the cups were lowered, Eva said, “I’m sorry, Lord Black, but I have never heard of the Guardians of the Badlands.”
“Nor would you, sweet princess,” he said. “Such stories are bound to give the strongest of lasses and lads the shivers, for what we do here on the other side of civilization is no small thing, and it is rife with danger.”
“So you patrol the lands beyond the mountains?” I asked.
He nodded grimly.
“And what interest do you have with us? Aside from thanking me for saving your daughter’s life?”
“I have many daughters,” Red said and took another drink. “Over one hundred to be exact.”
“One hundred? How is that possible?”
“She didn’t tell you?”
“No.”
“Scarlett tells me you claim to be from another world. Is that right?”
“Yes.”
“She tells me you were summoned here by the Goddess Celesta to save Princess Evangeline. Is that true as well?”
“Yes.”
He laughed and raised a glass. “The gods work in mysterious ways.”
“Indeed,” I said and tapped his tankard.
We drank, watching each other over the rim of our cups.
“As for your question,” he said between burps and slapped his chest. “The Shogon monks give me the orphans who do not find homes by the age of ten. After that, they have small chance of being chosen. Most will be released to the streets at age thirteen, and half will be dead a year later. The Black Family offers them a chance at a better life, one with meaning and purpose, one of adventure and daring.”
“How did you find us?”
“I know where every Black family member is at all times.”
“And you get a cut of every score,” I guessed.
“See, you’re a smart lad, and you’ve got an honest name. Jake Baker. Hell, it sounds like a real hero’s name to me.”
I couldn’t tell if he was being serious, poking fun at me, or both. “So what do you want? What’s your cut, and what do I get out of it?”
He leaned closer, finished off his wine, and held out the tankard. Ruby gracefully bent and refilled it.
“What I require is half Scarlett’s cut, which I understand is fifty pounds of gold. But I’m going to need half of yours too,” he said and drank. “What you get out of the deal is safe passage through the remainder of the Badlands.”
“There is no remainder,” said Eva. “We are at the very doorstep of the Mountain Guard.”
“She’s got a point,” I said.
Red shrugged. “A lot can happen between the Wild Pines and the Mountain Gate. Say you leave here without my warriors, and you run into a pack of wild giants?”
“There are tame ones?”
He scowled, and I considered it a point for Team Baker.
“You saved my daughter, and for that I am grateful, but the Black family numbers over three hundred and stretches from here to the Snowfell Waste in the north, east all the way to the Endless Sea, and south as far as Zodin’s Belt. I’m no common thief. I’m no scoundrel, but the fact be that without my daughter’s help, you two might not have made it this far. One way or another, you’re not going to get any farther without our help.”
“Do the Unified Kingdoms know about your business dealings?” Eva asked in a huff.
“I have spoken personally with your father on more than one occasion,” Red Black said with a noble air. He grinned, showing off one gleaming gold tooth set in the back of his mouth like a secret.
The princess seemed shocked. “You know my father personally?”
“You know that tincture he uses?” Red asked with a flash of his emerald eyes. “The one that smells of dandelions and horse piss? I see to it that he gets it.”
Eva blanched but regained her composure in a heartbeat. “If you know my father so well, you know he is not a forgiving man. If anyone were to hinder my return to Zenfindel or gods forbid, try to gain coin through protection racket schemes, well, I imagine he would want the man’s head.”
It was Red’s turn to blanch. His eyes narrowed.
“Are you a good man, Red Black?” Eva asked. “If so, what would praise from the Princess of Zenfindel do for your cause?”
“The Black Clan is not mentioned in public. We are given no accolades, no praise. The people of the west do not want to be reminded of the terrors that await them on the other side of the mountains. That is how it has always been, and that is how it shall remain.”
“What if someone changed all that? If you escort us home, grand praise shall be bestowed upon you and your family. I will bring the plight, adventures, and victories of your family to the light.”
“You would do that?” he said hesitantly.
“I would,” she said and raised her chin. “And you would be given a reward. One you surely deserve.”
Red looked at his children, and I realized they had all stopped what they were doing to listen to the exchange.
“What do you say, Red?” I asked and raised my glass. “Escort us the rest of the way, and you shall be rewarded.”
His right eye twitched. He stood slowly, then bowed to Eva, deep and low. “It would be my honor,” he said loud and clear.
We dined on venison, bread, cheese, and wine that Red finally admitted was stolen from the dwarves who guarded the Mountains. It was elven wine, he said, and my mind filled with images of Legolas and the Wood-elves spun by Tolkien. I wondered how much of that lore had to do with this world. The idea that our worlds were somehow connected kept pestering me, as it had the entire journey.
When the meal was over, Red had a private moment with Scarlett, then he and the rest of his children left, but he ensured me they wouldn’t be far away.
“That was… interesting,” I said when I was alone with the girls.
“Sorry about that,” said Scarlett. “Red is such a bastard sometimes. I told him I was on my own on this one, but he’s got to stick his nose in everything.”
“Why didn’t you tell us about the clan and becoming a guardian of the Badlands when you were ten years old?” Eva asked.
Scarlett shrugged. “You didn’t ask.”
“At least we know we’ll get through the rest of the Badlands without any trouble,” I said.
“I wouldn’t count on that.” Scarlett sat up and accepted a glass of wine from Eva. “Red attracts trouble like shit attracts dung beetles.”
I laid down with a groan. It had been a long day, and I was still fucked up from Doughboy’s death. The problem of Red was going to have to wait. As far as I was concerned, he could go fuck himself. I wasn’t giving him anything. We were at the foot of the gate, like Eva said, and he was trying to ransom our safe passage.
I slept like a baby for hours, and when I finally rose, the sun was peeking through the cave entrance.
Eva was sleeping next to me, but Scarlett was gone. I got up and quietly crept to the mouth of the cave. Scarlett turned the corner at a run and nearly slammed into me.
I caught and steadied her. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s an army of goblins. They’re here to avenge the king.”
“Fuck,” I said and raised my enchanted shovel. “I hate killing before breakfast.”
“We’ve got trouble!” I told Eva.
She rose from her fur blanket, and I realized she had been sleeping in just her blouse. Her pert nipples stared back at me, and I tore my eyes away.
“What is it?” she asked and clutched her chest.
“More fucking goblins.”
“We just never seem to catch a break,” she said and grabbed her clothes angrily.
“Tell me about it. You know the drill. Stay here until one of us comes for you. And don’t worry. If the others are anything like Scarlett, none of those ugly goblin bastards are going to survive.”
; I emerged from the cave into early morning sun and joined Clan Black. Red offered me a deep nod. In the light he looked younger than he had the night before. The others looked about Scarlett’s age.
“Report,” said Red, and the one they called Rusty slowly turned his spyglass.
“There are fifty bats, and at least two riders on each one.”
“Ruby, would you like to welcome them?” Red asked.
“My pleasure,” said a short woman with orange, braided hair.
She climbed up on a big boulder and pulled a spell book from her satchel, along with a long, gnarled wand. She chanted in the same strange language Scarlett had used to activate her arrows, and I watched with intrigue as her wand began to glow. The wind suddenly picked up and blew from the west. It was a mild wind at first, but it got more powerful with every spoken word, and soon a gale was ripping past us.
A dust storm gathered in the valley below, and dirt devils spun furiously across the rocky landscape. Ruby continued to chant and move her arms in intricate patterns, and the dust storm rose into the air and formed into a large tornado.
“Holy shit.” I said.
“She’s just showing off,” Scarlet said.
Enchanted, I watched the tornado spin toward the approaching bats. They tried to turn around, but there was no getting away from the storm Ruby had produced. It sucked the bats in like dirt into a vacuum, and goblins fell to their deaths by the dozens.
Ruby cried out and fainted, but Red was there to catch her.
“Take her into the cave with the princess,” he told Azure.
The surviving goblins steered their mounts down to the ground.
“Now they won’t dare attack us from the sky,” said Red. “Jade, you’re up.”
Jade, who was the tallest among the women, produced her spell book and wand. She chanted, and the tip of her wand glowed bright red.
The goblins who had landed raced through the pines toward us. They were perhaps three hundred yards away, moving through the shadows of the forest like ghosts.
Jade finished her chant with a violent scream and thrust her wand forward. Lightning erupted from it and hit a tall pine tree a hundred yards away. As she fell to the ground, unconscious, the pine exploded in flames. The wind at our backs stoked the fire, and soon the woods were an inferno. Of the bats and goblins that managed to avoid the tornado, half made it through the forest fire and came out disoriented and choking.
We had the upper ground, and when the remaining goblins began climbing the rocks, Red Black lifted his hand. Scarlett and her adopted siblings nocked their bows, chanted, and the tips of their arrows glowed bright blue. A low hum issued from the bows.
They fired, and the arrows landed among the goblins and exploded like TNT.
“Weapons at the ready, Jake Baker,” Red said.
Armed with the pizza shovel, I thought about Doughboy. If he were here, the cute little bastard would be flexing his muscles next to me and jumping up and down.
“Fire at will!” Red commanded, and Scarlett and the others picked off the advancing goblins, who now numbered around forty.
They charged with crude spears, fat war hammers, double-headed axes, halberds, and razor-edged swords. The goblins had archers among them, and at least a dozen of the ugly green bastards took a knee and aimed their crossbows high in the air.
“Take cover!” Red bellowed, and we all ducked behind rocks.
Scarlett and the others took out five of the archers, and then five more. The last archer fell a minute later. The goblins were down to thirty.
“Let’s see what you’re made of, Jake Baker,” said Red, and he suddenly pushed me off the ledge.
I fell eight feet and rolled, coming to a stop at the bottom of the slope, covered in dust and dirt.
“Father, what are you doing?” Scarlett screamed, but Red only laughed.
I rose to my feet and scowled up at the man. He smiled and pointed behind me. I turned and saw the goblin horde barreling toward me.
“Fuck me,” I said and took up a defensive stance.
I couldn’t outrun the slimy green goblins, so I had no choice but to stand and fight, and pray someone was looking out for me.
“Come on, you bastards!” I screamed at the approaching horde.
I didn’t focus on the long line of goblins racing up the rocky hillside. I concentrated on the ones in front. The closest was the quickest and also the shortest. He vaulted seven feet into the air and came down with twin daggers gleaming. I cut him down, then spun into the next attack, which came in the form of spears wielded by two stout goblins. My shovel shattered their weapons, and I brought my foot around behind the blade as I spun with the momentum. My boot caught the chin of the closest, and when he tumbled, I came around again and sliced his friend’s head off.
Arrows twanged farther up the hill, and I turned in time to see three of the charging goblins go down hard. I sped down the hill, planted my shovel, and pole-vaulted over it. My boots slammed into a fat goblin’s chest, and he flew off the shelf he had just crested.
Goblins climbed up two at a time, and I danced from one end to the other, a blur of motion and blood. Arms, legs, and heads flew in every direction as I slaughtered them. I thought of Doughboy and cleaved a red-eyed goblin’s head in two. I thought of Red Black tossing me into the fray, and I severed another goblin’s spine.
One of the fuckers jumped on my back and bit my shoulder with his jagged teeth. I had to stab him in the eye with my dagger to get him to let go. He fell away screaming, but brought me down with him. Goblins rushed me from all sides, and I knew if I didn’t get up and start swinging, I was a dead man.
A goblin scratched my face and tore my pant leg with wicked claws. I growled against the pain and smashed his face with the shovel. In my peripheral vision, I saw three goblins lunging for me. I had no time to try to outmaneuver them, and I wasn’t about to do some Hollywood backflip, so I twisted like a motherfucker and held the shovel at the very end. The first goblin who came into range tried to meet my strike with a swing of his big war hammer, but my curved blade cut through it like it was made of candlewax. The blade continued through the war hammer, severing the goblin’s left hand and slicing the throat of the goblin next to him. My enchanted blade cut through metal, muscle, and flesh.
I was in the zone, and bodies hit the ground.
I don’t know how long the fight lasted. None of the goblins stood before me more than ten heartbeats. There were those who got a nick in here or a punch there, but if the cuts ran deep, I didn’t feel them.
When I had killed the last of them, I stood there panting, waiting for the next kill, but no one emerged.
“What a show!” Red yelled.
He had pushed me in hopes I would die in battle. Then he could claim the full prize for Eva’s safe return. The look on Scarlett’s face told me I was right, and I stalked up the hill toward them. I half expected one or more to shoot me with one of their magic arrows, but I reached the shelf alive.
I marched toward Red, and when the men tried to intervene, he told them to leave me alone. When I got close enough, I punched Red in the nose. His head snapped back, and I pushed the shaft of the shovel under his chin and slammed him against the stone.
“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kill you right now.” I was seething, but Red didn’t look concerned. On the contrary, he was grinning.
His eyes moved downward, and I felt a blade poke my ribs. A curved dagger was positioned to eviscerate me
“One good push on this shaft, and you’re dead,” I warned.
“That’s a lad!” he croaked. “Let’s make a game of it, see who dies first. You want to count down, or you want me to?”
“Stop this!” Scarlett yelled and pulled us apart.
“You should mind your own business, Scarlett,” he said and wiped blood from his nose.
“You intended for me to die down there,” I said angrily.
“It was a test, lad, and you passed. Scarlett s
aid you had mettle, and she was right.”
“You’re full of shit, and you just fucked yourself out of the reward. I want you a mile from here in ten minutes, or I carve that stupid smirk off your face.”
“A deal’s a deal, Mr. Baker.” We’re going all the way, and we’re collecting that prize.”
I took a step toward him, but Scarlett held me back, glaring at him. “The clan will get their cut, and we’ll get the notoriety the princess promised. Okay, Red? Just get out of here before you get into a fight you can’t win!”
Red cocked a brow at his daughter. “Is that right?”
“Ask the goblins,” she said and looked at the hillside.
Piles of bodies were stacked up on the stone shelf below. There was oily gore everywhere. Limbs and heads were strewn about, and a single pair of boot prints led up to us. I realized I was covered from head to toe in goblin blood.
I must have looked like a maniac.
Red regarded me with a resigned nod. “If you ever get sick of life on the other side of the mountain, we could use a man like you in our ranks.” He extended a hand.
I shook it cautiously, and he slapped me on the back. “The clan will be expecting our share within a month’s time,” he said to Scarlett. He turned and left, and his children fell in line behind him.
When they had disappeared into the scorched and smoldering pine forest, I said to Scarlett, “Got any other surprises in store?”
“I’m sorry, Jake, I should have known he’d do something like this.”
“He tried to kill me.”
“It was a test, like he said. He does it to everyone he likes.”
“I’d hate to see what he does to his enemies.” I gestured for her to walk with me, and we returned to the cave, where Eva was hiding. She was hunkered down near the entrance, holding a dagger in two hands. It looked like she planned on getting the jump on whoever came in, and I couldn’t help but grin.
“Oh my gods!” she said when she saw me. “Are you okay?”
“Sure.” I grimaced at my blood-soaked clothes. “Only a little of it is mine.”
“What happened? Where are Red and the others?”
“Long story,” I said and peeled off my shirt. “But first I need to bathe.”
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