by Jane Lark
That would freak him out.
When I’d finished, I’d lain there breathing heavily and absorbing all the weird sensations humming and playing through my nerves––then Billy’s cell rang out Clarity by Foxes and Jason’s image had appeared on it.
I’d dropped the cell. It had felt like cheating on Jason, as all the feelings I’d had for him flooded to the surface, like it was only yesterday he’d finished with me.
My heart, and my head, still believed I was his.
But I wasn’t.
They had to learn.
But Billy had said I could mourn this week, so I’d cried, letting the tears fall again before I went down to the gym. I’d only gone down there because I hadn’t wanted to be alone anymore.
But, I’d had an orgasm… My first ever!
“Come on, you’re so slow.” He caught hold of my hand and pulled me into a run.
“Billy!” He didn’t cease pulling as I stumbled along in a run beside him.
I’d tried to run with Jason once, but he could run real fast. I couldn’t keep up with him; I hadn’t even tried after that one time, I’d have just held him back.
But it was like he used to run to get away from me anyway. It was something he did alone. Spirit and soul, leaving me behind.
When everything had got messed up, I’d tried to make him stop, because I knew it separated him from me. I’d already begun to feel him slipping through my fingers, but he wouldn’t give up. Running had been more important to him than us––me.
Rachel ran with him.
My toes caught in the dried sand and I nearly fell. Billy yanked me up.
“Come on! I want to get in the water.”
“God, you’re no better than a kid!”
That deep chuckle rumbled in his chest.
I was so glad I’d come here with him. I was really starting to feel better; as if I’d escaped. But that thought brought the guilt rolling back in, like a wave sweeping in off the ocean.
We were running over wet sand now, leaving the impressions of our footprints behind, footprints that the tide would wash away, when it came in.
When we reached the water, he didn’t stop but carried on running into the shallow waves.
“Ahh, Billy, it’s freezing!” The sudden cold numbed my bare feet.
“I didn’t have you down for a coward, Lind.” He pulled me on.
“Ahh,” I shivered as the cold water swilled about my shins. I gritted my teeth. My toes were buried in the moving sand.
It was easier being with Jason. Jason never used to press against my boundaries. But Billy had never been like this at college. Well, he had been full of energy like a coiled spring all the time about to burst, but he had never dragged me into any of his wildness like this. I had only ever been his spectator.
I pulled back against his hold as he got deeper. I wasn’t cool with this, the water was freezing, and––
“Frick, Lind, are you gonna be a chicken?”
I squealed when his hand left mine, but then instead, one arm caught about my waist and the other beneath my legs and he lifted me. “Billy!” I gripped his shoulders as he walked deeper, and the waves of freezing water swilled up at us.
I’d had a family vacation in Florida, the water there had been as warm as a bath; it was wonderful. Mom had been in the water with me, holding my hand, and we’d jumped the shallow waves together… I hadn’t felt scared with her.
I clung to Billy, turning my head into his shoulder as the ocean washed up at us and hit his thighs, sending up spray as it also swilled up about his legs. The wave washed on past him, the water level dropping back down to his knees. I watched it travel up the beach over his shoulder and saw it swallow our footprints.
Would memories disappear as easily––washed away by time? I didn’t want to forget anything.
“Have you ever been out in the water up to your middle?”
For years the water had been over my head, but only figuratively, not literally. I had never gone deeper than my thighs because I was too scared of the huge ocean and all the things I couldn’t see. It should have been the future I was afraid of, and what was hidden by time…
Another wave broke onto his thighs, the white foam frothing about us.
“Have you?” he asked again. Then he clarified. “I don’t mean that, I mean have you been into the ocean deeper than your middle?”
“No.”
“Come on, then.” He began walking forward.
“You’ll get hypothermia!”
“I’ll run when we get out, that’ll warm me up.”
My teeth were chattering, even just being in his arms, as the cold spray got me wet.
I gripped his shoulders tighter and he lifted me a little higher.
My gaze caught his. He smiled, then a glint caught in the onyx heart of his eyes. “No!” My fingers clawed. “Don’t you dare drop me!”
“Would I?”
“You were thinking about it.”
“I was letting you think I was thinking about it.”
“You’re nuts, Billy.”
“And going deeper…”
He walked forward. I was laughing, properly laughing, I could feel it in my stomach, and the muscles I hadn’t used for months were aching in my face. It felt so good to laugh. “Ahh, I turned into him, lifting my leg into his chest as a bigger wave rolled in.” I was getting used to being held by him. I was completely sure he wouldn’t drop me. His huge arms were firm and solid and strong. He wouldn’t let me fall.
When the next wave crashed into us it was stronger and swilled right up to my hips. His top got wet and the spray dampened my bottom. Exhilaration washed through my nerves like the ocean swirling around him, and the scent of the salt water filled my nostrils.
He went in deeper still. I clutched his shoulders harder, but turned my head to watch the next wave roll in. It was bigger, but then he was further out.
“It’s coming, Lind,” he teased. I gripped his neck with both arms, and turned my head into his chest.
“Argh!” I cried as it hit us hard, swilling against my back, a rush of fizzing salty water tumbling over me like rapids and soaking my clothes, but it felt good. I was a part of nature; of a world I hadn’t been part of for a very long time.
I laughed, lifting my head and clinging a little less.
Something glinted in his eyes and he took me even deeper.
“Billy!” I screamed as the next wave broke right before us, crashing open and starting to roar in a rush of white water that washed right into me, soaking me completely as I clung to Billy…
It was freezing.
My arms clung tight about his neck and I shivered like crazy as the wave rolled on past us.
“Billy what if there’s a sneaker wave. I’m cold. Take me back!”
Insecurity, fear, pain, all flooded back. My teeth chattered and I was really shivering. “Billy, take me back.”
His grip firmed on my thigh and shoulder, his fingers pressing into my flesh.
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe!
“It’s okay. I’ve got you.”
I gripped his neck, shivering violently as he carried me out of the water and back up the beach.
I was crying. Stupid fears. Stupid head. Stupid life.
“I wouldn’t have let you go, Lind.” He didn’t put me down, even when we reached the sand. He might think my fear was crazy, but he was still kind.
I liked the challenge in Billy, because he was right, I could face demons with him, and know he would keep me safe and get me out the other side, and if he could help me get out of the self-inflicted prison sentence I’d been serving, then I’d let him push me…
This was my week to mourn. Then I was going to let it go and try to learn to live again.
I’d had my first orgasm this morning because of Billy…
I’d gone into the ocean…
What else could I achieve with him?
When Billy set me down by our den, I was
still shivering. He bent and grabbed up the blanket, wrapped it around me, then rubbed my shoulders.
His black eyelashes were all stuck together by the salty ocean water, and his hair clung to his head.
A wave had crashed into his back when he’d walked out of the water.
“Sorry, I took you too deep.”
“No, you didn’t.” My teeth still chattered. “I enjoyed it for a while.”
“But now we’d better get you in a shower. I’ll leave the den here and come back.”
“Aren’t you cold too?”
“I’m a bit tougher than you, Lind. I’ll go get your backpack.”
He turned away. I picked up his shorts, my sandals and his sneakers from inside our den and followed him up the beach. Heat seeped back into my legs, and then they burned.
He walked with purpose. His swim shorts stuck on his tight buttocks as he moved. The same tight buttocks I had been imagining moving up and down between my thighs earlier. The dark hairs on his thighs and calves were stuck to his skin too.
The woman gave him my backpack and he talked to her for a moment, saying thank you, I guessed. Then he walked toward me as I walked up the beach, clutching the blanket around me.
“So did you?” He said with a grin, when I reached him.
I shook my head at him, smiling, as I walked past him. I was warming up, but I still wanted to go back to my room and shower.
When I stood in the shower, washing the salt out of my hair, feeling the water pouring over my head and body, I smiled, as I remembered the waves crashing into us, and Billy’s strong arms hanging on to me.
So, did you?
The words he’d been asking me all day echoed in my head and heat burned across my skin.
Chapter Five
Billy
Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I splashed aftershave on my skin. I’d gone for a dark-blue shirt and black pants, but I’d kept my comfortable sneakers on.
The plan was to walk down to the Italian restaurant we’d seen.
I rubbed some styling wax on my hands and combed my fingers through my wet hair to spike it a little.
Taking one last look in the mirror, I told myself, silently, to get my shit together, then turned away.
Lindy and I had done a lot of laughing today, in the end, but I knew she was still unhappy underneath, and I still felt partly responsible, no matter what she’d said last night––and guilty.
I picked my wallet up and slid that, then my iPhone, into my pockets. Jason had tried calling twice while we’d been down at the beach. I’d sent him a text saying ‘All’s good. I’m just busy. I’ll catch up when I get home.’
I left the room, going to knock on Lindy’s door.
“Hey.” She opened it smiling, wearing a skimpy cotton summer dress. It was held up by thin straps on her shoulders and from there the material just floated over her breasts and her belly, falling to the middle of her thighs. She looked good. Her eye shadow was a soft blue and her lip gloss a pale pink. They suited her. She looked more like the old Lindy. “I’ll get my purse and my jacket, then I’m ready.” She threw me a smile before turning away.
She came back in a moment, wearing a loose black jacket over the top of the dress, and a small pink purse, with a long strap, over her shoulder. It matched the flat sandals she had on.
“Have you spoken to your Mom and Dad?” I asked, as she shut her door behind her.
She glanced at me, with an odd expression. I guess she didn’t want to be reminded of home. But she answered.
“Yeah.”
“They happy you’re okay?” No way did I want to end up on the wrong side of her dad.
“Yeah.” She looked away again, but the happier mood I’d sensed when she’d come out of her room had subsided.
“Do you remember…” I started reflecting on funny stuff that had happened when we were kids. Then when we got to the restaurant, I began telling her what everyone I still knew was up to.
She didn’t know anything about anyone. She’d not kept in touch with any of the girls and her eyebrows kept going up when I told her various bits of gossip as she laughed or oh’d and ah’d.
Once the waitress had taken away our dinner plates, I leaned over and said, “So why did you ditch all the girls when we went to college?”
Lindy
“So why did you ditch all the girls when we went to college.”
The question hit me like a slap. He implied I’d done it deliberately, cruelly. I poked my tongue out at him, for being mean, before answering. “Cause I was with Jason. I spent all my time with him, and you––”
“So every other friend was tossed out the door, ‘cause you didn’t need them when you had what you wanted. Jason.”
That sounded vicious, as if he had a problem with it.
But it hadn’t been like that. That was the summer everything had changed, when Mom had found out she was sick and my mind had been too full of all the shit going on at home. I’d been scared and lonely, and… I couldn’t take part in light, chatty, stupid conversations with girls who knew nothing about anything.
I glared at him as the waitress handed me a dessert menu.
I couldn’t explain to him.
I’d promised.
He could think what he liked.
When the waitress walked away, I answered, “I just had nothing to say to them…” That was the truth.
“So you threw them all off.”
Great. He really did have a problem. I didn’t see that it made any difference to him. It wasn’t him left with no friends after Jason dumped me.
I dropped the menu on the table. “I don’t want anything. Can we go somewhere else?”
“Well I guess I was the lucky one, then, ‘cause I was kept in your buddy group of two. Come on.” He dropped his menu too, stood up, then went over to the counter.
I followed, but as he got his wallet out, I covered his hand. “You’re not paying again, it’s my turn!” When he was being antagonistic the last thing I wanted to do was let him pay. I didn’t want to owe him too much––if we fell out again.
He held up his hands, palm out. “Okay, no need to get aggressive over it. I’m not fighting you for the check.”
“You can be a real douchebag, when you want to be.” Not looking at him, I opened my purse and paid.
“Lindy…” He said as I walked out ahead of him.
Fuck him. I glanced back and flipped him off.
He gave me a questioning look, his lips twisting. “Lind? What’s up?”
I held the restaurant door for him to follow me out.
He and I were good at laughing together, and we’d done a lot of that today. But we were just as good at fighting…
“What are you, the social police?”
He didn’t answer.
“Let’s go to a bar.”
“If you are gonna stay off the alcohol. I don’t want a repeat of last night.”
“And now you’re trying to be my dad!”
He glared. “No, Lind. I am just trying to look out for you!”
“I didn’t ask you to! I don’t need you to look out for me!”
“If I can be a douche, you can be a bitch…” He said that in a low voice, like it was to himself.
I flipped him off again and turned into the bar that was next to the restaurant. When I got to the counter he gripped my elbow. “I am paying. You aren’t working. And seriously, no alcohol, Lind.”
I poked my tongue out at him, but actually, being honest, I liked his bossy side. Billy didn’t take any crap. Jason would have just let me rant, stayed quiet and stayed out of it, but to do a bit of shouting felt good, like letting the cork out of a bottle of champagne, it released a little of the pressure in me.
“I could try a beer, it was probably because I drank a cocktail last night––“
“Or ‘cause your meds say no alcohol,” he mocked, in a low gravelly, bitter voice, as he pulled his wallet out of the back pocket of his pants.
>
I shrugged, screwing my face up at him, to say fuck off.
“Shall we go outside and watch the sunset again?”
“If you won’t be too cold.” He glanced down at my legs, then his gaze came back up as the barman came over.
“I’ll be okay,”
“A beer and a soda and lime…”
He remembered what I used to drink in our college apartment.
I turned away and left him to handle the drinks. Outside I found a table right at the edge of the terrace and sat facing out to sea, but Billy was right, it was cold. I crossed my legs and wrapped my arms about my chest.
When he set down his beer and my drink, he said, “The guy behind the bar stared at you as you walked out, his tongue was fricking hanging out. I don’t know why the hell you think you don’t have a good figure, I see guys doing it all the time around you.” His pitch had turned to my defender now, our argument forgotten.
This was the Billy I liked the most––my one true friend. The guy who would do anything for me.
He dropped into the seat next to me, then leaned over. “You okay?”
I met his gaze. “Yeah.” Protective Billy made me think of this morning and the way he’d been all day on the beach, making me laugh, making me face my fear of the ocean.
Heat clasped in my chest as the image of him nearly naked on the blanket surged into my head, and a memory of all that muscle carrying me out into the ocean.
I looked at the waves rolling up onto the beach and drank my soda, letting the sound roll over me like the motion of the waves.
I loved it here.
The cold breeze sweeping in with the water blew my hair back from my face, brushing my shoulders like fingers.
Billy watched me, not the water.
I turned to look at him. “You know what you said last night?”
“About what?”
“About when we did it in the SUV.” His eyebrows lifted. I guess he thought I wouldn’t go back to that subject. ”That wasn’t about you…”
“Uhh…”