by Jane Lark
I tried to remember to breathe and talk at the same time, acting like there was nothing going on, because there was another couple sitting two seats away from us.
Then he pulled me off the stool into the water, nearly getting my hair wet and splashing my eyes, and tugged me out into the deeper water, to kiss me. There his hand slid up over my ribs and his thumb snuck beneath my top, reaching right up to stroke over my painfully hardened nipple a couple of times.
People might have seen, but he hid his action with his body.
When he broke the kiss, his hand slipped away, pulling my top back down to make sure I was covered, then he leaned to my ear. “Your room or mine?”
“Mine,” I answered, panic swamping me.
This was new to me––this feeling. I didn’t just want him; I was desperate for him. If I didn’t have him, I didn’t know what I’d do; how I would fix the intense buzzing and burning throbbing in my blood.
He’d spent a whole day on foreplay. That is what he’d been up to in the pool, sensitizing me. Making me want it. He’d said he knew how and he did.
Now I had to face up to this decision, though.
When we approached my room, despite my longing, fear tangled in my belly, like a ball of rubber bands, as more and more were wrapped around it.
We hadn’t put our clothes back on. Billy had all our clothes draped over his shoulder and a towel about his waist. I had my towel wrapped around me and tucked in over my breasts.
One of his hands gripped mine firmly, his fingers threaded through mine. I’d swear he knew I’d had an impulse to run and he urged me not to.
Terror, desperation and desire whizzed around in me like fireworks on July 4th.
I wanted him to keep me focused.
I didn’t want to run.
I wanted to do this––to feel what it was like to enjoy having sex.
“Where’s your room key?”
“In the pocket of my dress.”
He let go of my hand. I wished he hadn’t. My cowardice became ten times worse.
He slipped the clothes off his shoulder, hunted it out and handed it to me.
I slotted it in the door. The latch clicked. My belly plummeted to the soles of my feet.
I shut my eyes as I went in, praying for courage as my hands shook. My belly was Jell-O––the hunger and desire I’d burned with outside the door, smothered.
He threw all our stuff on my bed as the door shut.
I didn’t know if I could do this.
“Shall we shower?”
He didn’t know I was in full-on panic. I was too messed up, I couldn’t answer.
He took my silence as acceptance, gripped my hand, pulled me into the bathroom and into the shower, tugging off his towel. Then the fingers of his free hand pulled off the towel covering me and he tossed it on the tiles outside the shower.
There was room for two. “My makeup,” I said, as he turned it on.
The water poured down on us.
“Please tell me you don’t wear makeup in the shower.” His pitch was low and strong, no-nonsense. You-are-just-going-to-do-it-as-I-say. “You must wash it off sometime.”
His hands gripped my hips, over my pelvic bones and pressed me back against the tiles. His big body unnerved me. He was broader and stronger than Jason.
But in a way it was like a dare…
I wanted to be different, and if I could be different with Billy, I could be different with anyone. I wanted to feel what all that strength could do.
We’d done it before and I’d liked the feel of his muscle moving between my thighs. That’s what I’d imagined the other day, but I knew he’d been holding back.
I wanted to know what he’d held back, what doing it with Billy, properly, would be like. It was going to be nothing like doing it with Jason.
He kissed my jaw and by my ear, beside my eyes. Nudging little kisses. They sent tremors through my nerves. Fear and desire went to war with swords inside me.
“I don’t like people seeing me without makeup.” My head tipped back against the tiles as his kisses travelled to my jaw again and on to my neck,
“Why?” The word vibrated on my neck, as his hand clasped my breast over my bikini top, then his lips and teeth nipped at the sensitive skin on my neck.
I was hot between my legs; I’d never had that sensation with Jason.
The water poured on to my face, and his head, and his back, running down.
His other hand slipped inside the back of my bottoms and gripped my ass.
“Because, I don’t like it. I feel naked without makeup.” I said the words to the steam filling the air above us. It was hard to breathe. An iron bar of panic wrapped around me.
With Jason I’d never thought about sex, my mind had wandered around, drifting from one thought to another, never really absorbed in what he was doing… But he’d never done anything with the insistence and force that oozed from Billy.
His head lifted.
I met his dark-blue gaze.
It reached right into me, as his hand slid down beneath my breast, pressing over my ribs. He knew my brain had put on the brakes.
“So this is back to a lack of confidence. You told me yesterday you don’t like your body and now you’re saying you don’t like your face. I don’t get you, Lind, you’re the most assertive person I know. You’ve bossed Jason around for years. Remember I lived with you. Where does all this insecurity come from?”
“I don’t know. That is why I have a counselor, to help me unpick it.”
His lips tilted in an odd smile. It questioned and showed his doubt.
A memory of my first visit to her struck like a lightning bolt. My gaze dropped to his shoulder. As my hands gripped his waist, clasping muscle. “I’m like my Mom… That’s all I’ve worked out so far. I get it from her, a need to be perfect. To never fail. To never look weak, or ugly, or…” I took a breath as I thought of the truth––of how much pain that meant.
How was a person ever perfect in an imperfect world?
My makeup hid my imperfections; I couldn’t take it off.
In my second session, I’d learned that was what I was best at––hiding anything and everything that made me imperfect.
I was good at covering up what was really going on.
I had learned that from Mom too.
That was why the counselor said I’d slipped up and got so depressed. She’d said I should stop hiding and try to let things out. Talk to people…
I couldn’t do that.
But I had to deal with the stuff going on in my head and not hide it.
Oh shit, understanding rose like the sun. Makeup was a part of that. A way for me to wear a disguise and hide behind it emotionally, not just physically. I was like Mom…
Billy pressed his mouth over mine.
He’d known my thoughts had gone to places beyond him. That was how it had been with Jason. I’d never really been with him when we’d done it––it had been let.
For a minute I’d forgotten Billy was even here.
I shut my eyes. Gripping the muscle at his waist more firmly.
He was here.
And I was here.
His tongue slipped into my mouth.
Instinct pulled at me. Play tag. Like we’d been doing all day.
He broke the kiss. “You have no idea how beautiful you are. You don’t need makeup, Lind.”
Shit, the timbre of his words tingled through my nerves, racing through my body.
Jason had told me I was pretty. Frequently. I’d never really believed him.
But the way Billy said it…
I lifted onto my toes and pressed my lips against his. One of his big hands came up and embraced the back of my head, his long fingers separating as his whole body pressed me back against the tiles, his erection straining to get out of his swim shorts. I fought to keep up with his game of tag.
I could not forget he was there now if I tried.
His body called to mine. What he did
wasn’t only in my head, but in my blood and my nervous system. I shook, but it was not from fear anymore. Anticipation tumbled around us.
Both his hands slipped into the back of my bikini bottoms. They curled and massaged my buttocks. He did it to arouse us both, pulling me against him and then letting me fall back against the tiles.
He was desperate.
I’d never felt that in Jason.
Jason had always been gentle and tolerant, slow, and deliberate––always making sure I was okay when he progressed. But I’d told him no a lot. He’d never pushed, or urged, or encouraged.
Billy was doing all those things, his whole body was insistence, but not in a way that made me think he wouldn’t stop. If I said stop. I knew he’d stop.
But he didn’t make me want to say stop.
I wanted him to continue.
One hand ran up my back. The bow behind my neck was tugged and undone. Then the bow in the middle of my back. My bikini top fell loose.
I’d always done it with Jason in the dark, under the covers. I’d never liked him looking at my body. This was a hundred times different. It was daylight; it poured in through a skylight. Nothing was hidden.
Vulnerability cried out in my head again but Billy didn’t give me time to let fear take hold. My top was pulled away and his mouth left mine, then a second later it closed over my breast, as his hand held it. His other hand was still on my ass, gripping and massaging. It slid further down, his fingertips tantalizingly straining to reach my sensitized swollen flesh.
Lord.
Shit.
I had never felt like this. My head fell back against the tiles, my fingers curling and gripping in his wet hair as the water kept on drenching our sexual game.
Jason had sucked my breasts. A ton of times. But now the sensation pulled inside me, not just an external feeling, an internal pull, as if a cord stretched from my nipple to that part of me the video on the internet had told me to touch.
I wanted Billy to touch me there.
Ah… Jason had always been gentle.
Billy was not gentle. His suck was hard and insistent. There was no way my brain was wandering away from this.
“Oh.” Had that sound come from my mouth?
This was so different.
His fingers let go of my ass and slipped out of my bikini bottoms. I didn’t want him to let go.
The bow at the side came loose.
I shut my eyes as he gripped my ass again, and his other hand let go of my breast, then freed the other side of my bottoms.
My poor brain grasped at every sensation, hidden in the darkness behind my eyelids.
My heart thundered out a racing base beat.
His mouth pulled at my breast and his hand came back up to knead it with a firm grip as my bottoms fell onto the shower floor. I was naked in the daylight.
I shut my eyes tighter and bit my lip, pushing aside the fear that hovered over my head. This was vulnerability beyond anything I’d know before.
But fear had just become another dimension adding to the intoxicating things he did.
I thought his hands would get more intimate, but they didn’t. The suction on my breast pulled free, my nipple sliding off his tongue. Play tag. I wondered if in the future my breast could play tag with his tongue too.
His mouth pressed over mine; a hard, firm kiss as his fingers gripped my ass again and pulled me tight against him, only this time my skin was brushing against the cotton of his swim shorts and the pressure of his erection rested against my belly.
It was erotic––tantalizing––as his tongue played in my mouth.
Billy.
My hands slid down his back to his butt and gripped the firm, round, muscle through his swim shorts.
His hand moved to take them off.
He’d thought I’d asked for that. I hadn’t, but I guess if this was going further that had to be done, and I wanted it to go further.
This was so beyond normal for me. Jason had never done anything like this, never been urgent.
Billy pushed down his shorts, they slipped to his feet, then he kicked them away, still kissing me.
His flesh pressed against mine.
This is going too fast!
Billy’s fingers curled around my buttocks, reaching beneath. I thought he was going to lift me. If he had I’d have said no, as panic flared like a forest fire.
But he didn’t.
He dropped to his knees. I gasped.
I felt sick.
My fingers gripping either side of his head, I tried to pull him up. “Billy! No!” I didn’t want this. I wasn’t ready. “No! Please! I can’t!” My voice pleaded pathetically for him to stop when I couldn’t pull him up.
Billy
Lindy’s body had gone rigid the minute I’d dropped to my knees, and her grip bracing my head was like a vice trying to pull me up. She sounded panicked.
I looked up, my fingers still gripping her ass as the water rained down on me.
Her fingers clawed on my neck, pulling.
“Relax, Lind.”
She shook her head, all her muscles still tight with anxiety. “I don’t do this. I don’t like it.” Her dyed lashes held droplets of water as her blue eyes reflected her urgency––terrified.
She was weird. My brow squished, my lips twisting––probably telling her I’d thought that. “Well, I do, Lind. So are you gonna let me?”
Shit, why had I used the word let? Want… She didn’t want. And I didn’t want her to let.
Her head shook, her teeth cutting so hard into her lip it turned white on the edges.
I stood. This wasn’t going any further.
As I moved, my erection brushed her leg and hip. It had not acknowledged her denial.
My hands still holding her bottom, I rested my forehead against hers, sighing out the desire, raging to do what I’d planned.
We’d been playing all day. My body was like one of those sprung toys, all coiled-up and ready to jump, with a sexual energy that wanted to explode. I breathed out, “Why?”
“’Cause it’s strange.”
“Why strange?”
She fell back against the tiles, slipping out of my hands.
“It’s too intimate.”
“Intimate in what way?”
“Billy, stop tying my words in knots!”
“How else am I gonna understand…” Exasperation touched my pitch.
The stupid girl started crying.
Way to kill a moment. That put the fires of desire right out. There was nothing even smoldering. My cock got the text. It is not happening.
I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her against me. Her head fell against my shoulder, her face pressing into my neck.
“I take it you and Jason never did that.”
She shook her head.
What the fuck had they done? Just the missionary position and nothing else?
The water poured down on us.
“Sometimes you have to face your fear.”
She pulled away. “I’m not afraid. It’s just… Letting someone that close––”
“Is too intimate…” I finished for her.
Her body shivered.
Frigid, Rachel had said.
Rachel could only have got that definition from Jason.
Lindy had hated sex. Just done it––in the missionary position.
Frick.
She’d trapped herself in with this discomfort. No wonder they’d ended.
“I suppose this is down to your stupid obsession with how you look. Cause you think I’m gonna see something you don’t want me to… That I won’t like… Lind, you should let the guy be the judge of what he likes. Believe me, everything down there is only going to turn me on. I’m a guy, you’re a girl, and I’m not gay, so I’m pretty sure it’s all gonna be okay.”
My pinky finger was on her neck, her pulse raced like mad beneath it.
She was truly terrified, like she had a phobia.
I kissed her.
Kissing had seemed to work pretty well in the pool for helping her forget she was only wearing a bikini.
I moved one hand, slipping my thumb across her belly to brush the skin above the place she was terrified I’d see and hate.
I ran it lower.
She was Hollywood.
Why go frickin’ Hollywood when you had no intention of letting anyone down there?
Weird girl.
Her muscles slackened a little as she started playing tag with my tongue and her arms came up around my neck, but her movements were hesitant. She didn’t trust me anymore.
If we were starting up again and going further, I just had to do it, and let her deal with it––or stop me again. One or the other.
My thumb ran down and touched her. Her whole body jolted. But it was kind of sexy to have that much influence over her.
I broke the kiss. “You okay?” I said against her cheek, as I brushed her again, and moved to kiss her neck.
She swallowed. Hesitating. “Yeah.”
“Tell me at any time you’re not.”
“Okay.”
“But I’m going to do what I want, Lind, because you‘re beautiful and you need to know it, and you need to get over this stupid thing, and not care what anyone else thinks.”
The heat of her breath brushed my shoulder as water poured onto my back, but she didn’t say no. She was going to try to brave this out.
I didn’t want her to be brave. I wanted her to want me to do it.
I rubbed her a few times more, until she stopped jolting and her arms settled more heavily on my shoulders as she relaxed, her tongue dancing around mine, fighting to keep up. Her thoughts were on our game of tag. I slid my fingers between her legs and two into her.
She gasped. Her arms tightening back up, clinging rather than embracing.
I broke the kiss. “Still okay?” I brushed my lips over hers before she could answer––gently, teasing her senses.
She pulled back, her gaze meeting mine, as she nodded. “I’m okay.”
I guess they had done this.
“Think about how things feel––nothing else. Focus on sensations.”
She shut her eyes nodding again, and leaning her head back onto the tiles. It looked like sacrifice. But my head does want you, Billy, it isn’t just let. My body just doesn’t know how…