“Hey,” she says while swinging the door open. I practically barge in pulling her with me and slamming the door to keep the world out.
“What’s wrong?” Pea asks grabbing me by the shoulders. I look around her hallway trying to buy precious minutes to think of something, anything to tell her.
“Soph!” she says again accompanying the word with a gentle shake.
Glancing back at her and smiling. “Oh, nothing. Just thought I saw someone, but it was my mind playing tricks on me again.”
“What? Who?” she asks still gripping my shoulders.
“I don’t know. Just someone. Listen, it doesn’t matter.”
She starts to reply, but her phone beeps a text. Phew, saved by the bell.
“Oh, for goodness sake!” Pea moans. I whip my head around to see her rubbing her forehead while staring down at the phone in her other hand.
“What’s happened?” I ask wondering if I can take anything else today.
“Con’s just texted.” She shakes her head and sighs walking into the kitchen and sitting at the table. “He’s told me he can’t make it to the graveyard today.”
I genuinely feel sorry for her. Knowing he’s going to be there, but she doesn’t, and rather than bitching, which she would have done a few weeks ago, she just looks deflated.
“Why?” I ask realising I need to play along.
“Oh, he just said he needs to stay at work for a few hours longer than he expected. I know it’s a Friday so I can’t really moan, but this is her first birthday since we got back together. It means something to me, especially now Gran is laying in the grave next to her. Gran would be so happy for me. She loved Con and I wanted to go see them with him. I guess it doesn’t matter, there’s always next year. It’s not his fault.” She looks down at her phone resigned, all the fight has left her and I want to wrap her in my arms.
“What you doing now?” I ask trying to spy a glance at her phone.
She looks up at me and smiles. “Oh nothing, I just texted Con to tell him that it was fine. That I understand and love him. And, that I’ll see him later and we can…”
“Yep. Okay. I get it. You can stop now!” I say putting my fingers in my ears and Pea giggles.
“Come on, let’s get going. Con might not be here, but I still am,” I say grabbing her arms and hauling her up.
“Thanks, Soph, but we don’t have to rush. We can go later,” she tells me dismissively.
Fuck.
“Oh no…I can’t…I need to go do something later,” I splutter stupidly.
Pea draws in her eyebrows. “What do you need to do?” she questions. I look at her kitchen table for inspiration, but only women’s magazines litter it.
“I…err…I…n…need to wax my vajajay,” I say spotting an article on waxing.
What the actual fuck?
“O-kay…overshare much?” Pea asks, but she’s smiling again and her eyes have brightened.
“Let’s go then.” She collects her keys and bag and waddles toward the front door. I stare at the door knowing it’s a ten-minute walk to the cemetery, and that I’ll be on edge the whole way. Then reminding myself that the guys will be there, so I just need to get there and it’ll be okay.
“Soph?” Pea asks waiting for me by the door.
“Sorry,” I reply plastering on a fake smile that Pea sees right through and narrows her eyes.
“What’s going on with you lately?” she asks as we walk outside and she closes the door.
“What? Oh nothing,” I reply looking around.
“Well, there’s something going on. I’ll leave it for now, but I do want to know,” she tells me then suddenly stops grabbing my arm. “Wait!” she raises her voice.
“What?...What?” I panic looking around.
“Your weird behaviour doesn’t have anything to do with Saul does it? Are you two okay? You shouldn’t be having problems this early on in your relationship? But then you have known each other for years, so if you are then you can’t give up okay?” she rushes out all at once.
“What? No.” I shake my head trying to clear it while looking around the street aware that we’ve stopped and are open to anything happening.
This is ridiculous…I’m ridiculous.
“Pea, Saul and I are fine. I’m just jumpy still, after the attack.” Her eyes soften and I can see sadness pass through them. I hate lying, but today she needs to be happy, not worrying about me. Anyway, there’s nothing she can do because this is a secret I cannot keep. I’ve only just got Saul, I don’t want to lose him after all these years because I lied to him.
Grabbing Pea’s arm, I propel her along. “Come on, let go see your mum and gran,” I say smiling.
We get to the graveyard without issue. Luckily both graves are by the side of the church so they’re hidden from sight. She won’t spot Con until she turns the corner and at that point we’ll only be about six feet from him. Pea breathes in a big lung full of the flowers that she bought from the florist across the road.
“They both loved tulips.” She smiles sadly.
“I do too. They’re my favourite,” I reply and she nods.
“Yeah, I know. Gran loved you. You know that, right?” she tells me grabbing my hand.
Swallowing hard. “Yeah, I know, Pea. She was amazing. Watching you two was how I realised how truly fucked up my relationship with my mother was. I loved Gran too, you know?”
Pea leans in and kisses my cheek. “I love you as well, Soph. Don’t forget that. When you’re ready, I’ll be here no matter what. Okay?” she whispers and I close my eyes battling with the emotion taking over me.
“Same, silly,” I tell her with a hug.
“Come on let’s go visit,” I say shoving her in front of me as we walk up to the edge of the church. Pea walks around the corner and I hear her gasp as she stops. Bumping into her, I can’t see much as she’s in my line of sight, but I step carefully between the graves so I can see what she’s looking at. It’s magical. Saul and Dane stand side by side behind the two graves each of them holding a photo. Dane has a frame that holds Pea and her mum and Saul has one which holds Pea with her gran. Red tulips are laid on each gravestone and Con is front and centre down on one knee. He’s wearing a grey shirt which is open slightly at the collar, and what I assume are black trousers. Although it is difficult to tell with his legs behind him in the grass. I look at Saul and he’s staring straight at me. He has an easy smile on his face and his dimple is making an appearance. My legs feel like jelly just seeing him. My attention goes to Pea as she walks towards Con and kneels in front of him, he just shakes his head with a grin at her craziness, then he starts speaking.
“Pea, we’ve had our ups and downs, and our relationship has been put through the mill. But I like to think that everything we’ve suffered has brought us to this moment in time. It’s made us stronger and made us appreciate each other. I can tell you right now, every little bit of pain I’ve had over the years to get to this point…this right now…has been worth it. I’d do it all again in a heartbeat to be where we are today.” Con stops and raises his arm stroking what I assume are tears from Pea’s face.
He smiles at her and continues, “My whole life it’s been you. You’ve always been my yesterday, my today and you’ll always be my tomorrow. Now, I’m asking you…Can I be your tomorrow?” I glance back to Saul to see he’s still staring at me, pinning me to the ground.
“Yes, of course!” I hear Pea shout in a wobbly voice, but I can’t drag my eyes away from Saul.
He is my future.
He’s the only way I will ever live by making every one of my days light. He pulls me from the darkness and he’s the only one who can save me. I realise right this second that I want to be whole for him. Unbroken. Complete. For him. Forever.
“I thought you’d be hanging out at your place today. I thought you would’ve stayed there last night actually,” Dane says looking over at me. As he stands against his kitchen worktops, I study him. It actually ma
kes me take stock sometimes, remembering he’s my brother. Right now it’s obvious, we look alike. Really alike. We obviously both pulled our mother’s genes. He has Pea’s eyes though.
“Na, Soph wanted to be here. I don’t know why. I plan to get this shit cleared with her tonight though. I want to know what the fuck is going on. She’s even changed her demeanour from when I left this morning to now,” I tell him shaking my head.
He takes a swig from his sports bottle and puts it on the counter top. “You noticed that too, huh?” he sighs.
“I notice everything about, Soph.”
He looks up and me and smirks. “Yeah, I’m getting that brother.”
I look down at my feet and smile. I like where this is going, and love finally having someone who has my blood running through their veins, but is also a good person. It means there is hope for me. It means I’m not born of pure evil.
“Once Eric has gone, I’m going to talk to her. Find out what’s going on.”
Dane nods. “You need space?”
I glance up at him. “Yeah, might be good.”
He shrugs his shoulders. “I need to go for a run anyway.”
We go back to the conservatory to sit with Soph and Eric.
“Well, it’s just beautiful in here, Mr. Dane.” Eric winks and I hide my smirk.
Dane surprises me when he replies, “Yeah, I just wanted this place to be a home, somewhere beautiful and safe.”
I look at him. He’s staring out over the garden which is starting to blossom now it’s April. I wonder how much I really don’t know about my brother. I’m not even sure he realises he’s spoken those words out loud. I can see Eric’s eyes have widened, so before he says anymore I pull the conversation my way.
“Eric, did Soph tell you about Con’s proposal?”
He wrinkles his nose at me. “Yeah. I’m glad he proposed, but, no…just no,” he says pursing his lips.
“What do you mean, no?” I ask confused.
“A graveyard…it’s creepy!” he states shivering. I laugh at him and Soph explains.
“Pea, she’s all about family. I’m not saying other people aren’t, but Eric, you have to understand, it’s been me, Pea, Con and Saul forever…” she pauses and looks across at Dane. Her eyes assessing him, he grins at her and she looks back to Eric. “Through all of that, she’s seen our relationships with our parents. None of them have been conventional, even Con, who had to deal with his mum’s gambling. But especially me and Saul, who had horrible mothers.” She stops and looks over to me with sadness. I wink at her and nod for her to continue, she softly smiles back and turns to face Eric again. “For Pea, even from a young age, it made her love her gran even more and appreciate what a beautiful person she was. She never went a day without thinking about her mum either. When her gran died, she didn’t deal with it very well. Even though she had me, Saul and Con, she didn’t really have us, as things weren’t great for any of us at that time. Pea found it difficult having no blood relatives either. She felt utterly alone and isolated. Some of us can manage without blood family,” she shrugs her shoulders at Eric. “Pea’s not that person. She’s loving and kind and wants the best for everyone. Above everything.” She stops and grabs Eric’s hand.
I notice that he’s completely immersed in Soph’s story and it brings a grin to my face. I’m glad she has people like Eric around her.
“She loves her family and they are, without a doubt, the most important thing in her life. She’s had a lifetime of losing people she loves.” I see Eric frowning, he must not know about the miscarriages. “She would have wanted her family there.”
Eric opens and closes his mouth a couple of times before screwing up his face and saying, “But…But, in the future when someone asks where he proposed, she’s going to have to say, a graveyard!” Soph chuckles and leans in hugging Eric for a moment.
“I get that Eric…I do. But it doesn’t mean to Pea what it means to most. She once told me that when she goes to their graves she feels peaceful, she feels like they’re there with her. Like she still has them in her life and that she can talk to them. She wanted family and she was broken for a while…until Dane turned up.”
She stops talking again long enough to lean over with her other hand and grab Dane’s. She looks at him and says, “You fixed her.”
He smiles back saying, “She wasn’t broken…not really.”
A couple of weeks ago and I would have wanted to punch Dane just because she held his hand, now I see him like I see Con and I’m glad she has him. Although I’d still rather she lived with me, so she was in my bed every night.
“So it had to be at the graveyard. Con knows Pea well enough to know she would’ve wanted to have her mum and gran there. Even if nobody else thought they were there, it doesn’t matter, it was all about her. And it was perfect, and not just because it was where she wanted it to be, but because Con just proved all over again how much he knows her.”
I notice her eyes have turned glassy and although I know she won’t cry, it’s still nice to see how much she loves her friends. No. Her family.
“Oh Soph, I get it. I understand that was Pea’s way. Don’t get me wrong, I still think it’s a bit creepy, but I totally get that this was for her and it was perfect.” He pulls Soph in for a hug. “Also their baby was there. That child was part of it and they will cherish him or her forever, won’t they?”
Soph nods. “They will love that child like every child should be loved.”
Her words resonate around my brain and make me think of my childhood.
"I need a wee," I shouted.
"Shhh, Saul," my mother snapped…quietly.
"Mummm," I whined. I only ever called her Mum when I was young. Mother seemed more appropriate the older I had gotten. A mum was someone warm and loving and kind. She was none of those things. I came from her body and she clothed and fed me. She was a mother, but never a mum. She hadn't been for a long time.
She bent at her knees and lowered herself so her face was at my height. She moved gracefully as was expected from her at all times. It was expected from all the Standford-Smythes. It wouldn't do to embarrass the family name. Luckily my mother had given me my father's name.
She leaned in close, almost nose to nose, and smiled baring her teeth. To the general passer-by, she was smiling into her small son’s eyes. They didn't hear her speak. She wouldn't be that careless. "Saul, stop talking. Do not shout again. Do not push me boy or you will regret it," she whispered, but there was no softness in the words. "Do you understand me?" she added with a hiss.
I nodded my head.
She stood up and turned back to her friends. We were attending some function or other. We’d been there for what felt like forever for a child. I hadn't eaten anything since my breakfast that morning. My stomach was making funny noises and it had started to hurt. But the worst thing was that I desperately needed to use the bathroom, and she didn't want to remove herself from her friends to take me.
I wiggled and fidgeted until she finally turned from her circle of friends, who all looked at me as though I was a pest. She gripped my shoulder and moved me to stand behind her against the wall.
"If you can't stop fidgeting you can stand here against the wall so I won't have to look at you," she told me with a quiet sternness.
"But Mum I need to wee," I tried again.
"You'll have to wait!" she snapped…still quietly.
I stood by that wall because I was too scared to ask again. I watched people laugh and move about the hall we were in. I looked out the window and watched the sky getting darker. And when I couldn't take it anymore I let a tear escape my eye while my trousers filled with wet warmth.
“Hey,” I hear from my right and see Soph has sat next to me.
“You were miles away.”
I swallow and smile at her cupping her face. “No matter where I go, Soph, you always bring me back.” I lean in and take her mouth.
“Well phew! Eric needs to fan himself,” I he
ar. Internally I chuckle, but externally I don’t stop kissing Soph, right now I’m losing myself in my angel.
I’ve had a really lovely day, it’s helped me forget everything that happened this morning. Con proposed to Pea and she said yes, not that there was ever any doubt, then he took her away to a hotel for a few days to celebrate. Dane, Saul and me came back home and Eric texted asking if he could come visit me. Apparently Rich has to work today, which Eric was annoyed about as it’s a Saturday and he’s bored. So we’ve had a lovely afternoon chatting and snacking. Eric left about twenty minutes ago and Dane’s just gone for a run.
“Babe,” Saul says walking back into the lounge where I sit my feet up on the sofa. The fire’s alight keeping me warm as the evening has turned chilly.
“Hmmm,” I murmur looking at him. “I brought you a beer. Is that all right or do you want me to go back and pour you a glass of wine?” he asks.
“Beer’s good, thanks, honey.” I watch his eyes flare at my endearment. Ever since I told him I was his, I’ve seen a change in him and felt a change in me. It’s like the last brick for him was torn down and now he just needs the same from me.
“Been wanting to talk to you, Soph,” Saul says as he sits down beside me and I feel my body still. Forcibly making myself relax, knowing what he’s going to ask and that I need to tell him. This has to happen.
“What’s going on with you, Soph? And before you say you’ll tell me when you’re ready, I can’t wait any longer. I need to know because something is causing pain to slip into your eyes more and more often, and I can’t let that continue. It’s my job to make sure you’re happy. So tell me? What’s making you sad?”
“I want to tell you…I do. It’s just hard. There’s so much to say.”
“Just start at the beginning, babe. We’ll work it out from there. Take your time and I’ll just sit and listen. I promise not to interrupt. You just get it all out, ‘cause from where I’m sitting it seems like this is eating you from the inside out.”
Love Resisted (Entwined Hearts #2) Page 12