Her eyes registered surprise but her voice came out clear and calm. “I don’t know. I never considered you.”
A bullet would have hurt less.
“Of course you didn’t.”
CHAPTER 45
Asher walked away from her.
“Hey, where are you going?”
“Home. Tell your dad I’m wasn’t in the mood for ice cream.”
Ice cream? What was he talking about?
His stride was way too long for her to keep up without running, so she ran until she could grab his swinging arm. “Asher. Will you stop?”
“Why? Why does it matter? Twice now I’ve laid it out there. I’ve told you I care about you. I’ve told you I want you to stay, that I see a future for us. But you’ve given nothing back. I thought patience would help you open up, but I’m just a fool. Your dad’s going to sell the house, and you’re going to disappear. And I know why now. Because you’ll never consider me.”
Katie finally understood his reaction. “That’s not what I meant.”
“But it’s true. Did you even think of me once today? Because you’re all I thought about. All I ever think about. Because I’m the idiot who fell in love with someone who refuses to love me back.”
Her hand flew to her throat. He loved her. She’d known it. He’d shown her in a million different ways, but hearing it from him, even laced with disappointment, sent a flood of warmth through her heart.
Asher blinked like he’d just woken up. “Crap. I hadn’t planned to tell you that way.” His head hung as if there was no more fight left in him. He placed his hands on his hips and exhaled a long breath.
She stepped forward, touched his cheek, urged him to look at her. His eyes were glassy and sad.
“I love you,” he said again, but this time with no anger attached. “I’m sorry if it’s too soon, or if that scares you. But I can’t help how I feel. And I can’t keep wondering if you feel even a little of what I do.”
“I feel everything you do.” The words came automatically. She loved him. And it wasn’t just a new feeling. She’d loved him for a long time. Far longer than she’d ever realized.
His reaction was immediate. His eyes closed, his head fell back as if the world had just slipped off his shoulders. She’d hurt him by keeping her feelings from him. Never again.
She tucked his warm hand in hers and squeezed. “That first night we talked, you gave me hope. You told me to take it one task at a time. And I did. Every day I woke up and I thought, I can do this, because I knew you were next door. I knew you believed in me, that you saw a person I hadn’t even become yet.” She kissed his knuckles, pressed his hand to her heart.
“You were patient and kind and selfless. And when it mattered, when it got ugly and you could have walked away, you stayed. You made me stronger, forced me to face my fears. I was wrong the other day when I said I’d never fallen in love. Because I’ve fallen more than once. Asher, I’ve fallen in love with you over and over again.”
Her throat stung and her eyes filled with tears she didn’t even bother fighting. “When I said I didn’t consider you, it was because I see Cooper as my past. An ugly, dark period of time when I was angry and destructive. You’re beautiful and bright and my future. I just wanted to close that door, so I could move forward. For good.”
He gathered her close, inhaled her hair, caressed her neck. “There is no separation between the two. If you want us to work, you have to include me, even in the parts that aren’t so pretty. I’ve been in a relationship with walls, and masks, and false smiles. I called it love, but it wasn’t. What we have—real, honest truth, painful or not—that’s love.”
She pressed her forehead against his chest. “I’m sorry I went there without you. I’m still not used to relying on someone.”
“Well, get used to it, because next door or not, I’m not going anywhere.”
She gazed up at him, a tear falling from her eyelashes. “You promise?”
“I promise.”
His thumb rubbed a spot on her cheek, his palm still firmly against the back of her neck. A rush of heat flooded her, and her hands tangled in his hair, pulling, begging for him to come closer.
He lightly brushed his lips over hers, and everything inside her tightened. His gentle touch deepened, his embrace tense enough to mirror everything she was feeling. Her body begged for more. Urged her to feel and explore and take. She’d had many experiences, but he was the first to truly know her. They were connected already in so many ways that physically was the only step left.
But if Asher was right and this type of love only came after knowing Christ, then she’d have to trust that He knew best when it came to sexual intimacy. She wanted that closeness with Asher. That heat and passion and abandonment, but only when they could have it without regret or shame.
Asher broke away from her. “I think your parents just pulled in.”
They had. She’d heard the rumble of her dad’s engine but hadn’t wanted to stop. “I know.”
They were still locked together, their mouths only inches apart.
“We should go over there,” he said.
“I know.”
He tried to let go, but she held on tighter. “You’re not moving.”
“That’s because I don’t want to.”
“Well, your dad and mom are watching us now.”
“Good.”
He pulled her arms from around his waist. “Come on. I just finally made some headway with your dad. I don’t want to lose it.”
She peeked back toward her parents, but they’d already gone inside. “What type of headway?”
He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her along as he walked back to her house. “I fixed the air conditioner. Right before the Cooper showdown. Your dad actually came over and asked for my help.”
Warmth spread through her body like she’d just downed hot chocolate. “That’s a huge step for him.”
“And for us.” Asher met her grin with an equal one. “I didn’t like the idea that your parents resented me. Family is important.”
“They resented me, not you. They thought you were going to be another thing I quit, so there was no point in getting to know you. His coming to you means he’s starting to trust me again.” She choked on the last few words. Maybe in time he’d trust her enough to let her share her faith with him too.
“What about your mom?”
She inched closer to their front steps. “Some personalities never really mesh. But I do think we’re making progress.” She climbed up two of the steps and turned, placing her hands on Asher’s shoulders. She was actually eye-to-eye with him. “One day at a time, right? Find purpose in each one.”
“I can’t believe you still remember what I said that first night.”
“Remember? Those words have carried me through all the tough days since.”
“If I’d known you were going to quote me, I would have been more profound. I should have given you scripture or something from one of Dad’s sermons.”
She leaned forward and lightly kissed his lips. “You gave me a part of you, even before I knew you had. That’s why your words mattered. Sometimes people need more than a verse and a prayer; they need to know someone cares.”
His hand slipped to the nape of her neck. “I love you,” he said, right before his lips met hers.
If she heard those words a thousand times she would never tire of them.
The front door slammed behind her. “Good night! You two kiss more than teenagers in a backseat. Now get in here. The ice cream is melting.”
Katie grinned at her mother. “At least it’s the ice cream and not you anymore, although I do hear water can be detrimental to your type.”
Her mom rolled her eyes, but Katie didn’t miss the way the corners of her mouth twitched. It’d been a long time since they’d been able to tease each other without bitter truth laced through each word.
Katie took Asher’s hand and pulled him along, passing her mot
her, who firmly grasped her walker.
“It was mighty nice of you to drop everything like you did to help us,” she said.
Asher let go of Katie’s hand. “Anytime. I was happy to do it.”
Her mom fidgeted under his kind stare. She wasn’t used to people simply helping because they could. He laid a hand on her white-knuckled grip. “It won’t always be this hard.” His words were laced with compassion and understanding.
Her mom turned away without responding. But her body language said more than words ever could. Her lip trembled, and her eyes welled up with tears that were as uncommon for her as they were for Katie. Once again, Asher’s simple statement became important and meaningful.
They left her mom on the porch and walked down the same hall that had felt so hopeless just a few months ago. The air inside was fresh, the house organized and cleaned. This was her new beginning. Right here, hand in hand with her hope from next door.
CHAPTER 46
A month later, Katie’s parents signed two sets of documents. One to sell her childhood home. The other to purchase a small handicap-accessible house in Fairfield Community, where her mother could receive all the care she needed.
She had also signed her own document—a six-month lease on a one-bedroom apartment downtown. Ironically, it was within walking distance of Joe’s, a proximity she planned to fully exploit.
Though still cold, Laila thawed a little each time they spoke, and Katie knew why. Laila needed to know she was staying. She needed to feel that Katie cared. And she needed time, which for once, Katie felt capable of giving.
“Second load just took off.”
Katie spun around to face Asher as he walked into her empty bedroom. He’d been a champion this week. Packing all day, moving furniture, running for takeout. If she had a million years, she could never say thank you enough.
“I’m so relieved for my parents, but I can’t help but feel a little sad.”
“That’s understandable. You did grow up here.”
“Yeah, but I have very few positive memories.”
“I’m guessing the ones you do have are pretty great, though.”
She eyed the bare walls, thought of all the nights she’d spent with Laila and Chad in this very spot. “They are.”
Asher picked up a sheet of packing paper and balled it up. “This place definitely needs a good vacuuming. I think your dust bunnies had babies.”
She smacked his arm. “I’ll get to it tomorrow.” Still feeling nostalgic, she walked the perimeter of the room, stopping at her window. “Chad would climb through this window every time Laila spent the night.”
Asher peered through the glass. “How?”
“There used to be an oak tree right outside. Dad cut it down after he caught me sneaking out my sophomore year. That’s when I memorized the squeak patterns on the stairs. Turns out that escaping through the front door is actually easier than scaling two stories.”
He shook his head. “My parents have no idea how easy I made things for them in high school.”
She laughed, and an old memory snapped in her mind. She pulled Asher over to the closet. “Can you see past the top shelf?”
He lifted up on his tiptoes, allowing his eyes to reach past the white wood. “Yes. Barely.”
“There should be a quote carved into the wall.”
He squinted at the scratch marks. “You couldn’t just do black marker?”
“Too cliché.”
He scooted closer, lifted himself higher. “‘I would not wish any companion in the world but you,’” he read.
“William Shakespeare.”
“And you said you weren’t good in school.”
“I wasn’t. That was Chad’s quote. He did it one night while Laila and I were asleep. The next day, she woke to a note that told her where to find it.” Sadness echoed through her, and the air in the room suddenly felt heavy.
She backed away from the closet, wrapped both arms around her waist.
“His addiction is not your fault.”
“I know. But his overdose was.”
“Katie.” Asher cupped her face, forced her to look at him, although she didn’t want to. “You didn’t make him take the drugs. That was his choice. His decision.”
A tear fell. She’d stopped fighting them while she was alone with him. He loved seeing her raw emotions, and she loved that he did. “He was my family. So was Laila. And I let them both down. I want to fix it. I want to find him and make him see what he’s losing.”
“Would that have worked with you?”
“No.”
“Exactly. He has to find his own way home. Faith is a journey. It doesn’t have a stop and start date. It grows with time. Sometimes it falters and stumbles, but every misstep can be used to shape us. Pray that God puts people in Chad’s life the way He did in yours.”
Reverend Snow.
She exhaled. “You’re right. I just still feel so responsible.”
He wrapped her tight. “Forgiving yourself is the hardest thing to do. It took me a year after my breakup with Jillian to finally let go of the shame.”
“How did you do it?”
“Time. Prayer. Lots of hammers.” He chuckled. “And you, of course.”
She buried her face in his chest, welcomed the strength of his arms. “I know you’re right. I’m just not there yet.”
“Well, maybe this will help.” He released her and pulled a small padded envelope from his back pocket. It was orange, with labels covering the surface. Certified. Insured. Fragile. The end had been cut open and was frayed. Slowly, he stuck two fingers in and pulled out a ring.
She could only stare. Rose gold. Flower design. An emerald shining in the center. “How?” Her breath faltered, and while she desperately wanted to touch the ring, her arms were numb and unmovable.
“I tracked it down. When I explained the situation to the representative at eBay and gave her all the dates and the seller’s information, she contacted the buyer privately. He agreed to sell it back to me.”
Her eyes bounced from the ring to him and back to the ring. “When did you . . .”
“It’s been a while. I went back to the pawnshop and got as much information as she was willing to give me—which was all public record anyway, but getting her help cut my research time. Then it was just a matter of persistence. It arrived this morning.”
He stretched out his hand and placed the ring in her palm.
The light metal was cool and delicate. She closed her fist around the object that had represented all of her failures. Months before, she thought finding this ring would give her absolution and peace, but now she knew that could only come from the One so much greater than jewelry. God didn’t have to give her this tangible blessing, but He had anyway. And now she’d be able to give Mary back the piece of her mother that Katie had so callously taken away.
She slid a finger through the hole and let the gem sparkle in the light. “I prayed for a miracle.” But she never really believed she was worthy to receive it.
He brushed a thumb across her cheek. “Looks like God gave you one.”
She stared at the man in front of her—the same man who had shown her the beauty of true love—and covered his hand with hers.
“Actually, He gave me two.”
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
1 Corinthians 13:4–5, (NIV)
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
There are some books that you just feel called to write. Books that inspire you to grow and to reflect on how far God has carried you. This is that book for me, and I’m so grateful to all who have helped me on this incredible journey.
To the Waterfall Press editors and staff: thank you for loving this book as much as I do. For encouraging me and for giving me the freedom to be creative and true to my voice. It’s been a pleasure working with all of you.
To Nicole Deese, for the million texts and chapter excerpts you read. For always telling me the truth, even when I don’t want to hear it. For being a beacon of faith and for making me love writing every day because I get to share my crazy stories with you. And for being the kind of friend who sustains time and distance and makes life so much more enjoyable to live.
To my sister, Angel, for always reading my first draft and encouraging me every time you do. For your wisdom and friendship, and for being the best sister a girl could have.
To my amazing writing critique partners—Connilyn Cossette, Dana Red, Lori Wright, and Laurie Westlake—your talent inspires me to demand more from each page. Thank you for your steadfast commitment and for reminding me every week who gets all the glory.
To my wonderful readers—you make writing fun. Your continual encouragement, e-mails, and reviews pick me up on the hard days and bring me unending joy.
And finally, to my amazing husband and children—for all the sacrifices you make, allowing me to pour my heart and soul into every word. I love you more than you’ll ever know.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Photo © 2015 Karen Graham
Tammy L. Gray lives in the Dallas area with her family. They love all things Texas, including the erratic weather patterns. She writes modern Christian romances with true-to-life characters and culturally relevant plotlines. She believes that hope and healing can be found through high-quality fiction that inspires and provokes change. Writing has given her a platform to combine her passion with her ministry.
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