by Tia Siren
"What you saw wasn't anything. She lunged at me and kissed me. Before I knew what was happening, she was on me. I swear. And the second that she was, I pushed her off." He was looking at me with those eyes, those soft, caring eyes that I had fallen in love with. He looked so pathetic as he pleaded, and a part of me wanted to forgive him. But I knew I couldn't.
"I don't care what you say, Liam. I don't care if that is what happened."
"You don't care? How can you not care? If you believe me, and you should, because I’m telling the truth. But if you believe me, then how can you blame me for something out of my control?"
"Because it's not just the kiss that I care about!" I was screaming again. "Don't you get it? You know how I feel about Sandra. You have always known, and yet you still put yourself in that position anyway. That's what the problem is."
"That's not fair," he said and for a second I wanted to slap him. If we were alone and there weren't so many people on the street I just may have. “I’m the victim here. Are you saying I was asking for it? Cause that’s fucked up. She forced herself on me. Technically, I was just sexually assaulted. And you’re blaming me for that?”
I threw my hands in front of me, gesturing for him to stop. "I don’t want to hear it, Liam. All I know is that it's not fair that I show up to your going away party to find you in the arms of another woman, kissing her. Tell me how that’s fair to me?"
"I wasn't in the arms of another woman.” He growled in frustration. “But fine, you want to spread blame around on everybody but Sandra? Then where the hell were you? Why weren’t you answering your phone? Why were you late? Maybe if you’d been there, I wouldn’t have just gotten mouth-raped by someone I thought was a friend."
He raised his voice at me, and I knew that he was trying to turn the tables. He was trying to make it look like I was to blame somehow.
"Don't you dare," I seethed. "I had a flat tire. A simple flat tire. Nothing exciting. Nothing scandalous. A flat tire that kept me delayed just long enough for you to slip up."
He looked like he was about to scream at me, and then his shoulders sagged, defeated. "I don’t know what else to say," he said with a sigh. "I've told you what happened. You know I didn't do anything. I mean, if the situation was reversed and some guy forced himself on you, I wouldn’t be pissed at you. I wouldn’t say you were asking for it, or that you should have known better. If you can’t understand that, I just don't know what else to say."
"You don’t have to say anything. And you just don't get it. This is about more than a stupid kiss with Sandra. It's everything. It's years of having my heart stomped on by you. It's all the times I trusted you, only for you to let me down. It's me, never knowing if I can trust you. You want me to give up my life and move away with you? What if this happens again? Then what am I supposed to do?"
"But it won't happen again."
"And the fact that I don't know that, and that I can't believe that, is the problem."
Understanding flickered in his eyes, or if not understanding, then at least acceptance. He took a step back and looked at me sadly.
I turned away from him and got into my car. Liam stayed where he was, watching me. Not trying to stop me. I think he knew that there was no point. He knew that we were finished.
"So that's it then?" he finally asked before I closed the door. He stepped down onto the curb to confront me one last time. "We're over. Just like that?"
"This wasn't a one time mistake, Liam, so don't act like it is. I have forgiven you again and again, and I'm done. I'm sick of having to make excuses for you.”
"But I love you," he said. The words stung like a knife. I knew they were real. There was no malicious or ill intent behind them, just raw emotion. He did love me, and that was what made it so hard.
"I know," I said, turning in to face the front of the car. "I love you, too."
I slammed the door in his face and started the engine. Then I drove away.
As I took off driving down the road, I looked into my rear view mirror at Liam. He stayed standing where he was, watching my car go. I couldn't see from where I was, but I was almost certain that he was crying. I knew that soon, I would be too.
I drove back to my apartment.
Walking through the front door, the place looked empty. Everything was packed into boxes and ready to be sent off. The lease had been signed over to the new tenant, and I would have to be out in a few days. I stumbled to my bed and fell into it. It was a comfortable bed, but like everything else, in a few days’ time, it would no longer belong to me.
My plan was to sleep, but that was never going to happen. The last thing I could do was sleep. It was then, lying in my bed, that I spotted my journal, sticking out of the trashcan. I picked it up, turning to a blank page at the end. Then I picked up a pen and wrote the first entry I had written in over a year.
I had said once that to write of heartache was impossible because the words were beyond me. It was so much easier to write about happiness. Those words flowed from the end of my pen like water from a fountain. But sadness was another matter.
So instead, I chose not to concentrate on the bad, but on the good. With or without Liam, I was turning over a new page in my book. I was leaving my apartment and would most likely be leaving the city. I couldn't stay here, not anymore. Everything reminded me of Liam, and it would be just too hard.
So I wrote instead about where I wanted to go and what I wanted to achieve. I was going to live on a beach. I was going to wake up every morning to the smell of salt water and the sound of crashing waves. I was going to take my morning walks along the beach and have a coffee while looking over the ocean and basking in the warm sun. My life was going to change, no matter what. And as I wrote, I was determined that it would change for the better.
Liam was finally out of the picture. If I knew him, I was sure that I would never hear from him again. And although it was hard, although it sucked beyond measure, I tried to look on the bright side. He had helped me find a new path in life. For that, I was grateful. Maybe one day, in years to come when I was able to think about him without weeping, I might even thank him. But that was for another time.
CHAPTER 35
LIAM
I couldn't remember a time that the apartment had felt so lonely as it did. All the boxes that I had packed had been shipped off. My few suitcases were tucked away in the corner, and everything else had been tossed in the trash. The only thing left in the entire apartment was a bottle of whiskey and two glasses.
One glass was for me. As I topped it up off, I couldn't help but smile. Not for the way that things had gone down, but for the future instead. I had messed up several times, and I’d been given more second chances than any one man truly deserved.
I knew that Kate was never going to take me back. I had to find a way to be okay with that. The only way to make peace with it was to remember that she had made my life better. It was because of her that I was doing what I was doing. I was moving on, like I had always meant to. I would have preferred her at my side, but we can't always get what we want. Instead, I had to take relish in the fact that without her, I wouldn't be where I was, and maybe that was okay.
The second glass was for Clint. As it was my last day, I had invited him over for a few last drinks, to toast goodbye to my apartment and my old life. A new chapter was beginning, and I couldn't think of a better person to close the last one off with.
"The end of an era," Clint said, holding the glass up. "So many good times. A fair few bad ones, and a lot of ones in between. All in all, I'd say that you've done okay."
"You’re always good for a toast," I said, smiling as I clinked my glass with his, taking a long and deep sip of my whiskey.
"You just have to promise that you will invite me out the moment that you're set up.”
"Don't worry," I chuckled. "As soon as I can."
"Because the women there are one of a kind. I'd hate for you to have them all to yourself. You probably wouldn't even know what t
o do with them."
"Yeah, well to be honest, the women are the last thing on my mind," I said with a sigh. Then I polished off my drink.
"Oh right," Clint said. He then reached out and patted me on the shoulder in an act of condolence. "How are you feeling? Have you spoken to her yet? Said goodbye maybe?"
I hadn't even tried to contact Kate since that night. I knew her well enough to know that there would be no point. Anything I had to say, she wouldn't want to hear. She knew what had happened and knew that it wasn't my fault. Her reasons for wanting to end it were her own, and I was pretty sure that I wasn't going to change them.
And really, it was all just too hard. I was getting sick and tired of having my hopes raised, only for them to be stomped upon a second later. The last few months had been like a roller coaster, and finally, the ride was over. I wasn't in any mood to get back on either.
Rather than try and get back with her, I preferred to look back at what we had and take from it the good that it had brought. She had changed me, for the better, too. She had taught me how to love again and let me know that it was possible to feel that way for someone. Plus, it was because of her that I was moving on to a new life. At the very least, I had to be grateful for that.
My only concern was that I had hurt her. As always, it wasn't my own pain that worried me, but hers. I just hoped that she was doing okay and that maybe in time, she would come to forgive me.
"Nope, I haven't spoken to her," I finally said. "I think that's a wound best left alone."
"Not even a goodbye?" Clint asked, looking surprised. "I thought that at the very least you might have called her up and said goodbye."
"Why?" I asked, looking at my best friend in a most serious way. "What would be the point? She knows I’m leaving, and she probably doesn't care. We've said all that needs to be said. It's in the hands of fate now."
"Maybe," he responded, sounding unconvinced. "But after all that you two have been through, and it is a lot, I would have thought that you would have wanted to sign off properly. It's like a TV show ending without a grand finale. It's not right."
I laughed off his comment, not wanting him to know how much it actually hit home. Although I would never tell him, he was right. In more ways than one. Although I was fine with the two of us being over, and in a way, I thought that it was for the best, I still felt like there were some things that were left unsaid between us. Some things that needed to be said, for closure.
She had left in such a hurry the other night, in such a rage, that I didn't even get to say sorry. I told her I loved her, sure, and I told her that it wasn't my fault and what had actually happened. But I had never actually said sorry. Although it may not have seemed like that big a deal, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was. Because I didn't just want to say sorry for the Sandra thing, but for everything. There were so many things that I needed to apologize for, I hated the fact that I would never get a chance to.
But that was the hard truth. It was over. There was no way for me to apologize. All I could do was move on and hope that she was okay.
I shared one more glass with Clint, allowing him to do most of the talking. In the one glass I had, he managed to have three, and the more he drank, the more outrageous his comments became. There was a lot reminiscing on the past, a lot of joking, and a lot of voiced regret. But most of all, there was a sense of excitement at the new beginning that I was undertaking. Even if Clint was upset that I was going, I knew that he couldn't begrudge me for leaving.
As the day approached night, I called an end to the celebration. I led Clint downstairs and put him in a taxi. We hugged, he told me he would come visit me soon, and then he fell into the back of the cab, directing it back to his house. From there, I went and collected my own things, packing the back of my car with the few suitcases I had, pulling the car from the parking garage and taking off toward the airport.
It was time to embrace the new and forget about the old.
But as I drove, making my way slowly toward the airport, I couldn't stop thinking about Kate and the idea of saying sorry. It was such a simple concept, but one that hadn't really come to me until that day. I had been so consumed with trying to get her to forgive me, and then trying to get over her myself, that I hadn't even thought of the most simple of all acts. An apology.
I could have texted her, or called her from the airport. I could have done any number of things to let her know that I was sorry, but there was really only one thing that I thought was appropriate. I had to see her one last time. I had to speak to her, face to face, and apologize for everything. Only then could I start my new life.
--
I knocked on her front door twenty minutes later, but I still had no idea what I was going to say. Somehow, the idea of simply saying sorry didn't seem like enough. It felt weak and trivial. I felt like I needed to make some sort of grand gesture, but I had no idea what. I guess I just hoped the words would come to me when I saw her face. In fact, I was sure that they would.
But I never got that far. Answering the door, rather than Kate, was Liana of all people. I had actually always liked Liana. She was outgoing, crazy, and unique in a way that I found endearing. I liked the fact that she and Kate were such good friends. But as she opened the door, realizing that it was me on the other side, I got the sense that she did not like me. Not one little bit.
"Liana, hey," I offered, pairing it with a warm smile.
"Hey," she said coolly. She only half opened the door, leaning up against it and blocking the inside of the apartment off from view.
"Is Kate home?" I asked, trying my best to sound warm and sincere, although I had no idea what that might sound like.
"Maybe," she said curtly. The way she looked at me, I could tell that she wasn't going to give me an inch.
"Well can you get her? Please. I have something I need to say."
"I don't think so, Liam. Starting today, here and now, there will be no more of this, and no more of that," she said, indicating me by waving her hand up my body. "I'm Kate's best friend, and I'm not about to let you ride in for the third time and ruin her life. No sir. No can do. Not today, buddy. Understand?"
"Listen," I began as cordially as I could. I knew that she was the gate keeper, and I'd have to do my best to get past her. If that was even possible. "I totally get that. And everything that you said is completely fair, and I couldn't understand more. It's just that I have one last thing to say."
"What? You want to spit in her face before you leave. You want to tell her that you and that redhead boned all day as a goodbye present? Pretty sick if you ask me."
“What?” I choked out. “No. Nothing like that. Jesus."
"Well, how am I supposed to know? The things you have done? I don't know what you are capable of. Or let me guess? You're here to tell Kate that you love her, and you want to be given one more chance? That you can't live without her, and that you will do anything to get her back? Am I warm?"
"No, not even close," I said seriously.
"Oh," she said, surprised.
"Listen. I've been thinking. I'm about to leave for good, and I'm not here to try and make Kate come with me. I know that time has come and gone. I've just come here to say sorry."
"Sorry?" Liana asked, looking confused by the notion, as if it were the very last thing she could have imagined.
"Yeah. Sorry. I've done a lot of terrible things to that woman in there, more than I care to admit. And every time I do, I try and get her to forgive me, or I lament the fact that I am alone. But one thing I have never done is just apologize. Not really, anyway. Not without some other hidden agenda. So, before I leave today, I want to say sorry. She doesn't have to forgive me. She doesn't have to say sorry back. I just want her to hear the words."
"I was not expecting that," Liana said, looking at me with a combination of surprise and perhaps admiration.
"Now, I'm going to assume that you aren't going to let me in. You're a good friend, and you have ever
y right to keep me out. So please, please, pass that message on. Kate is the best woman I know. She deserves to hear it, okay?"
"Yeah, I can do that," she said, still watching me with that same look.
"Thanks." I turned to go, before stopping and turning back. "And Liana, good luck with the acting. You deserve it."
Then I left.
From there I jumped back in my car downstairs and took off for the airport. It wasn't a perfect apology, and it wasn't even to the right person, but I felt as if it had gotten the message across. All I wanted was for Kate to knows how sorry I was. If Liana passed that on, then I could start my life anew.
Sure, my life was going to be one without Kate in it. And sure, that hurt more than anything else. I wasn't over her yet, and there was a chance that I never would be. But I would survive, and I would live. I just hoped that she was living, too. I hoped that her life from here on out was a good one. She deserved it far more than I ever did.
CHAPTER 36
KATE
As soon as Liana closed the door, she turned and gave me a look. Her eyes were sad, and her face was forgiving. It was pretty clear that she had eaten up every word that Liam had said, and also thought that I should, too.
I was standing just behind the door the whole time. When I heard the knock at the front door, it was Liana who insisted that she answer it. She and I both knew that Liam wasn't set to leave for a few hours, and she assumed that it might be him, coming around to try one more time at getting me back. I thought that she was being ridiculous. I knew Liam well enough to know that he wouldn't do that. So naturally, I was nothing but surprised to find out that she was right. Well, sort of.
I leaned against the wall, listening to every word that he said. And as I listened, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. His words were so heartfelt and honest. He hadn’t come to try and get me back, as Liana had assumed. Instead, he had come to apologize. That was truly shocking.
"Wow," Liana said as she turned on me. "I did not see that coming. Did you?"