“Yeah, we are kind of in the boonies. Ray’s dad owned this land for a long time before all the development around here and his dad owned it before that. It’s been in the family for ages. They never did anything with it, just used it for hunting and camping. This cabin is on the same plot that the original hunting lodge was at. Then Ray got a wild hair and wanted something further up and built the other house.”
“I’m sorry, who’s Ray?”
“Oh, that’s Holden’s dad,” she paused in stirring the batter. “Raymond is a little different. He wanted to live off the grid. I needed to be able to work and actually see people more than once every six months.”
My eyes got wide. “So, he just lives out there by himself?”
She laughed. “Yes and no. I work on my projects and commute from here. Then we spend time together until he says something stupid and I come back here for a while.”
She took the bacon off the stove and removed the eggs as well.
“So, you’re together but not together? I guess I’m confused.”
She shrugged. “Believe me when I say, it’s a good thing we have some time apart. We’re very different, and I would be miserable up on that mountain of his if I had to stay there all the time. It’s only a couple of miles. In the winter, I’ve had to stay in town a few times. That’s about the time Ray makes an annual appearance around other people and hauls me back up the mountain.”
She stepped over to turn on the coffee pot and went back to making pancakes.
“What do you do?”
She gave me an embarrassed smile. “I’m a painter. Ever heard of the name Rosen Shaw, back where you’re from?”
I blanched and shook my head in shock. Rosen Shaw was the name of a very famous painter that did landscapes. A friend in college had been obsessed with the artwork to the point of insanity. She used to talk constantly about it. The artist put out very little work per year which kept the paintings in high demand. No one knew the actual artist, due to several legal shields that kept the identity hidden.
“You work for Rosen Shaw?”
She laughed and turned the stove off. “Honey, I am Rosen Shaw. Raymond Shaw Saunders is my husband’s name and my name is actually, Colleen Rose. I always hated my name, and it didn’t sound like a painter to me, so I changed it for artistic purposes. It sounded clever at the time. So, I work, we keep up the land and everyone’s happy.”
It sounded like the most bizarre situation I had ever heard of, but she seemed to be happy with it. I wondered why Ray was such a recluse but didn’t want to be nosey about it.
“Do you have any more children?”
Her face got sad for a moment as she started getting out plates and utensils. “No, just the one. We lost one early in our marriage and decided to try one more time. I always wanted a lot of children but it just wasn’t in the cards. That’s ok though, we love the one we have deeply. Even if he is a stubborn ass that doesn’t come to visit as much as he should.”
Holden came up behind me and laid a hand around my hip. “I heard that mom. You know I’m busy.”
“Get that Jake guy to pick up the slack.”
He gave my hip a squeeze. “Uh, we’re getting there. We’ll see. Looks like Aiden will approve it as soon as I think he’s ready. I mean, he’s taking care of shit right now. Guess it’s a good test run.”
I smacked my head with my palm. “Crap! I was supposed to text Liv.”
“Grab a plate and sit down angel. I’ll get your phone. Is it in your bag?”
I couldn’t remember. “Uhm, maybe.”
Holden sighed. “This is why my stuff is organized. I’ll just put that out there.”
“Yeah, yeah. Noted. I know.”
Holden spent about ten minutes digging through several things and going to the Jeep but he came back empty handed. He sat down and started digging into his plate while Rose and I sipped coffee. It seemed like the most normal breakfast in the world as the sun rose outside. One that I hadn’t had in a very long time. We laughed, we talked, and just enjoyed a relaxed morning.
The fact that I was sitting across from one of the most well-known painters in my lifetime, didn’t even make me feel nervous at all. She was just Rose to me. Holden’s mom.
I was trying to wrap my head around it.
Rose took a sip of coffee, then said, “So, Holden told me you sing.”
I eyed Holden. He was busy having mouth sex with a pile of bacon and ignoring me.
“Yeah, well I’m ok. Mostly festivals and stuff.”
She looked confused. “Oh he said he saw you in concert once in California. I assumed it was in a concert hall. I’m not sure what I was thinking.”
I turned to look at Holden and tilted my head at him. “When did you come to California?”
He shrugged. “Couple of months after you left. Was in the area, saw you play. You looked happy so I didn’t want to,” he paused, “bother you, I guess. I don’t know. I’m going to go chop that wood so we can get going. Thanks for breakfast mom.”
He got up quickly, cleared his plate, and walked out the door.
There was a fluttering in my chest. There was a pressure that was creeping into my shoulders. He had come to see me. Why? My life had been miserable the first few months I had moved. I wasn’t happy. I had just survived an attack that left me scarred and I was living with the memories every night at that point. I had faked it during shows because it paid some of my bills, but I had been overwhelmed, lonely and scared.
I wondered if Holden had approached me then, whether things would have been different. It was an extremely painful period in my life.
My breathing changed slightly and started coming out quicker. My heart sped up a fraction.
Rose leaned over and patted my shoulder. “Are you okay sweetie?”
I nodded my head. A flash of that terrible night when I was hurt went through my head. Liv’s ex-boyfriend leering over me with a knife. A strike of lightning showing his sick smile as he sliced my face. The feel of blood on my cheek. The smell of my own fear.
I stood up so fast my chair knocked to the ground.
My arms started to tingle and I couldn’t get any air. I felt like I needed to lay down and run at the same time. My mind felt scrambled. Get to safety. Hide.
“Holden!” I heard Rose yell.
I was taking deep breaths and shaking. “I can’t—”
Holden was in the house and had me wrapped up in his arms before I could turn to run.
His arms were completely caging me in as he sat down on the floor with me in his lap. I struggled at first but his arms held. His hand shoved my head into his chest so I couldn’t see anything and stayed there. It was like hiding in the best smelling and most comfortable cave. I hadn’t noticed it the last time, but he had effectively curled me up into a ball and made his body the shelter I needed.
He rubbed my back and whispered how beautiful I was. My heartbeat slowed after a few minutes and my need to escape subsided. My adrenaline spent, his warm body made me drowsy. I felt heavy and worn out.
I fell asleep against him, thinking of how much of a fruitcake I must seem to them both.
Chapter Nine
When I woke up on the couch, I was pleasantly surprised that I didn’t have a straight-jacket on, nor was I locked in a padded cell.
They must have thought I was nuts and what really bothered me was the fact that I had two panic attacks in the last twenty-four hours. It was normal for me to go several weeks without having one. I didn’t anticipate them coming so quickly, but I had known it was a possibility that I might have one.
They were so random. The first time, I had been at the dinner table with my dad. We were just talking. Then he had asked a question about my cheek. He hadn’t asked many questions up until that point, but he chose that night to ask several. As the details came pouring out of me, I had felt for the first time like I wasn’t safe. Even with my dad near me, sitting in his house, having dinner, his dog outside, with the smell o
f old paint and detergent in the air. Something so familiar, and yet I felt like I was going to die.
“Hey sweetie,” Rose said as she came to sit beside me. “Brought you some hot tea. I’m thinking those nerves of yours are a little worn out. I wouldn’t have said anything if I had known.”
I took the hot tea from her and breathed in. It smelled like chamomile and honey. I took a sip to clear my throat and tasted lemon as well.
I shook my head. “Rose, you didn’t do anything. I’ve had these attacks for a while. I don’t know why.”
She looked thoughtful. “Hmm. Well, all the same I’m sorry you had one here. Holden explained a little after you went to sleep.”
“I’m just,” I paused, “not dealing with things very well.”
“Well, if you don’t mind me saying, I think you’re dealing with things just fine. Events like that would break other people. Yet, I see you here and you’re far from broken. Maybe a little bruised but you’re a fighter, I can tell.”
“I don’t know Rose. I feel pretty lost to be honest.”
“Let me tell you a secret Julia. When Ray and I lost our first baby, I felt a lot like that. Like I was broken, lost. It hurt to no end. Some days I didn’t want to get out of bed. Other days I would, but I would just walk around like I was numb most of the time. When Holden came along it was a blessing. We were both happy. There was always a small part of me that missed knowing our other child. Back then I would sometimes wonder, what might he have done or been, ya know? The thing is though, if you constantly think about what could have been or you’re hung up on the other path that could have happened, you’ll never see what is actually happening right now.”
“So, do you think having Holden helped?”
She shrugged, “Maybe. But you can’t replace that thing that was a part of you when it leaves. Holden wasn’t a replacement and he certainly didn’t heal my hurt completely. Some hurts run too deep. You can put a nice face on it and tell people you don’t think about it, but we both know you do. Eventually though, I think the most important part is you accept it as another part of your long life. You grow from it, and although you may think on it from time to time, you don’t dwell on it. I’m positive I was a better mother to my son than I might have been, because it wasn’t something I took for granted when we actually did have him.”
“I’m not sure if something was actually taken from me Rose. It’s just the nightmares.”
She gave me a sympathetic look. “Something awful happened to you. That’s the truth and there is no way of making that go away. Did it change you?”
I shrugged. “Yeah. A lot.”
“Then it took something from you. You’re very young and it only just happened last year. Give it some time. I bet that soon enough, you’ll know what growth can be gained from it and what hurt you can leave behind.”
“Thanks Rose.”
She reached out with her long fingers, and tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. She smelled like vanilla. “If you ever need anything, anything at all, I’m on call every day, as a mom or a friend.”
My throat closed up a little and I blinked several times. I felt my eyes water slightly as I looked at her. “Thank you.”
She smiled mischievously. “No, thank you. This is the first time I’ve ever seen my son put through his paces. I’m really enjoying watching him squirm. I probably needed to set my foot down earlier with Ray but I didn’t. I’m glad to see Holden in love with a woman with the kind of courage that matches his.”
I started choking and sputtering on the sip of tea in my mouth.
She patted my back several times. “One sip at a time sweetie. I’m going to go load up my bag in the truck. Holden should be out of the shower soon if you want to come out on the porch. When you’re ready we can go.”
I nodded, still trying to swallow properly.
In love? We weren’t even dating.
Rose left just as Holden came in. I heard her shut the front door as I set my tea cup down.
He walked around me and settled on the couch. I could smell soap and his fresh scent invade my space.
I shook my head. In love. The woman was sweet but daft.
“Feel better?” he said.
“Uhm, yeah. I think.”
“So, you ready to talk?”
Uh oh.
I looked toward the door, trying to evade his stare. “About what? I think we should just go on up. Your mom seems eager to get going. In fact, I’m really looking forward to meeting your dad.”
“Not so fast. We’ll get there,” he said, as he leaned in and grabbed me by the waist. He pulled me back against him. I felt stiff, trying not to let his warmth or his scent affect me.
I squirmed in his arms. “Holden, we should get going. I’m sorry I delayed everything.”
“Well let’s talk about that. First, I think we should talk about what happened.”
I stared at the tea cup. “Okay.”
“Why haven’t you seen anyone about these attacks?”
I frowned and looked at him. “How—”
He interrupted. “I spoke to your dad while you were napping. I needed to call him anyway to tell him where you were. How often do they happen?”
Great. Dad ratted me out.
“Not often.”
“So, memories trigger it? Why haven’t you seen anyone?”
I let out a long sigh. “Because it’s no big deal. I have other stuff to worry about.”
“Well, when the wedding is over, you’re seeing someone. I contacted Logan and he’s set up an appointment.”
I pulled away from him and he pulled me back into his chest.
“But—”
“No buts. You’re going to see someone. You know all those vets you worked with at the clinic when you used to live in Lakefield? They see someone too at some point. Hell, I’ve seen someone about the shit I’ve seen and done. Life is pretty fucking ugly sometimes and we don’t all have to be a superhero. You’ve got balls Julia, I’ll give you that. Trying to handle all of this on your own. But you need to see someone and talk it all out.”
I shook my head. “I’m fine. I don’t want to deal with it. I just can’t.”
He turned me around to face him and slid me into his lap.
His arms tightened around me and he scowled. “Woman, if I have to strap you to the car and carry you in to that appointment, you’re going to see someone. Period. End of discussion.”
“Holden—”
He pressed a finger against my mouth. “No lip. Second thing, Brock took down your website. Jared, I guess his name is, was posting that you were shot and on your death bed. Jared, isn’t going to live another day if he doesn’t get his shit under control. He caused a huge panic, that drew more media to the area. Aiden and Liv were kind of used to it but it’s gotten wild apparently.”
I rolled my eyes. Stupid Jared. He was probably stoned again.
“He’s just a kid though. Let me guess, my sister told him to.”
“Not sure. Weird part. Apparently, she’s gone back to Cali and she’s announced she’s marrying some guy named Roger.”
I reeled back. “No! He’s an asshole.”
“Yeah, so tell me about the asshole. I got the impression that your dad wouldn’t mind if he fell into a dirt hole and disappeared, but he said something about it regarding you, not your sister. Is Roger some ex-boyfriend or something? Guy has money, but when I had Brock run a check, he seems real shady. Brock is still digging.”
Roger, an ex? The thought made me want to gag.
“Gawd, no he’s not an ex-boyfriend! He’s been dating Allie. Then he hit on me and they broke up. I have better taste in men that I date.”
Holden growled. “Dated. Past tense. Roger is a dead man if he ever makes another pass at you. I don’t want to know shit about anyone else.”
I struggled against his arms. What the hell did he do to get arms made of steel? I barely moved them and they just seemed to get tighter.
“
Not that it’s any of your business, but I haven’t dated anyone for over two years,” I huffed.
His jaw clenched. “Good, you’re done.”
I was apparently dealing with the most stubborn man alive. Maybe I wasn’t making myself clear enough. Or maybe, I just didn’t know enough “man-speak” to get him to be reasonable.
Looking him in the eye, and talking slowly so he could understand, I said, “Holden, we’ve only been on half a date technically. We went out, we both got shot, and now we’re here. I mean don’t you think we would actually have to have a date to be dating?”
“Okay then call it whatever the fuck you want. You’re with me now. Told you on the plane what was going on.”
“Yeah, and I didn’t agree.”
He thought for a moment. “No, actually you didn’t disagree or agree. However, when my tongue is in your mouth and my fingers are in that wet pussy of yours, I bet you’re leaning more on the agree side.”
I smacked him on the arm. “Don’t be vulgar Holden.”
He grinned. “You like it. Agree to date me.”
I turned my head and looked at the teacup on the coffee table. “No.”
He leaned in close to my ear and nipped my earlobe. “Okay, then I’m just going to refer to the previous agreed to terms of our deal. Say that you are dating me or I’ll have you arrested.”
“With who? Smokey the Bear? We’re in the middle of nowhere.”
He shrugged. “I’ll have Brock post it on your website. Prostitution should look good.”
“WHAT? You can’t blackmail me into dating you! That’s not how this works.”
He shrugged. “Agree, babe.”
Growling I said, “Fine. Whatever. We’ll non-date in a dating relationship.”
“Wow that was easy,” he said, while lifting me up and setting me on the other side of the couch. “So, sweet muffins, do you think you can get ready in half an hour? Take a bath before we go.”
Sweet what?
I stood up and pointed a finger at him. “I’m not sweet muffins! Like ever. Ever.”
He smiled wickedly. “Relationships are about compromise, muff.”
“Oh hell no!”
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