She shook her head hard. No. She would not act that way in front of a Superior, would not lose her sense and beg for something even a Superior couldn’t do, undo the done. No matter what she did now, it would not change what she had done or what she had failed to do while Leo lived. She had sent Draven back for him. She had dropped him from the tree. She had done that. Not Draven. She’d dropped him, but held on to the knife. Because her life meant more. She could not deny that. She might not have killed either of the trackers, but she’d killed someone that night.
When Draven had disappeared from view, she dropped her forehead to her knees and let herself cry. After a few minutes, she gathered her senses and forced herself to stand and walk back to their meager pile of possessions before sinking to sit on one of the backpacks. She’d worn out her sobs, but tears continued to leak from her eyes so that she had to wipe at them every few minutes, and just when she thought they’d stopped, she’d think of Leo and a fresh stream would start.
Draven took longer than she expected, so long that she started to worry that he might not come back. She wouldn’t blame him. He’d said Leo didn’t contribute, but she didn’t either. Maybe he’d want to put her out of her misery next.
She didn’t know he’d come back until he touched her shoulder. She jumped and spun towards him, wiping her face quickly so he wouldn’t see her tears. Though she’d listened for him, his footsteps were nearly silent, even in the snow.
He knelt before her. “Can you go on today?” he asked. He looked so concerned. Like he really meant it.
“No,” she said, turning away. “I can’t. Why don’t you just go on and leave me here to die. It’s not like you need me.”
“I do,” he said, brushing away a strand of hair that had stuck to the tears on her cheek.
She pulled away. “You’d be better off if I’d died, too.”
“No. Now come and I will carry you. Tonight we will reach the city, and I will find more supplies for us, and food for you. Perhaps we can stay a bit if no one is looking for us here.”
“You mean we’ll have an apartment?” Cali asked, forgetting for a moment the awfulness of the morning.
Draven pressed his lips together and shook his head. He picked up a backpack and held it to Cali’s back and waited for her to slide her arms through the straps. Though it weighed less than the other, it almost dragged her backwards to the ground when Draven released it onto her shoulders. He steadied her before coming around to crouch in front of her, his back to her.
“Climb on my back. I’ll carry you. We can travel much more quickly now.”
Cali bit her tongue, forcing the tears to retreat and focusing instead on her anger. She’d never met someone so callous. All he cared about was that they could go faster without Leo. He’d never wanted the baby at all. He’d probably wished for his death the whole time. “You mean now I can’t even walk by myself?” Cali asked, her chin rising. She stood to show him she could, although the weight of the bag forced her to stoop. “I can carry a bag,” she said. “I know I’m not all superior like you, but I have two legs.”
Instead of getting mad or exasperated, Draven looked at her with his dark eyes so tender and melty it only fed her indignation. “I can,” she insisted, although already she had begun to doubt it. “I’m not as weak and helpless as you wish I was.”
“Cali,” he said, trying to touch her face again. She ducked out of his reach, almost losing her balance in the process and just barely righting herself before the backpack’s momentum carried her to the scrubby frozen grass underfoot.
“I don’t wish that,” he said. “I know you’re strong. And not a bit helpless.”
“No you don’t,” she said. “You think I can’t even walk, and now that Leo’s gone, you’ll carry me instead. Well, I’ve been strong enough to carry my own weight my whole life, and I’m not going to stop now.”
“There are different types of strength,” he said quietly, his eyes fixed on her defiant face. “I’m well aware of your capabilities. However, if we are to reach the city today, we need speed more than strength. Yes?”
She hesitated, knowing he was right and feeling foolish all of a sudden. “Fine,” she said, and climbed onto Draven’s back. But she wasn’t happy about it. Draven hefted the other pack onto the front of his body and took off, moving faster than she would have walked without any burden at all. She knew she would have slowed them to a ridiculous pace if she’d walked carrying the backpack, and the fact that he was right again, like always, only made her more sullen. She rode in silence, her mind unusually crowded with dark, bitter thoughts.
Soon her shoulders began to ache, and a knot formed in each one, tightening more and more until the pain became unbearable. But after her little outburst about Draven doubting her strength, how could she complain? After all, he had to walk and carry all the weight, while she only had to hold on. Soon the muscles in her arms began to shake with fatigue and her hands grew numb. She bit the inside of her cheek and remained silent, doing her best to support her weight on Draven’s back and trying not to cry out when he boosted her up every few minutes and put pressure on her inner thighs where the shifting of his hips had rubbed her skin raw throughout the night. Despite her misery, she had to admit they did move a lot faster than when she walked, too.
Neither she nor Draven spoke all night, even when they stopped to rest. Though Cali had grown used to his silences, she missed the way they used to talk, before they ran away. Once, she’d imagined he cared about her opinions and their conversations. Now they couldn’t care about anything except staying alive and warm. Still, she wondered if his latest silence meant he was mad at her for her outburst. Or maybe he was disappointed at how the whole thing had turned out, too.
At least he’d known ahead of time that they’d have no apartment.
But she couldn’t blame him for everything. She had insisted on bringing a baby, which had made things harder on both of them. And she hadn’t done as promised and obeyed all his commands. She argued with him all the time, like he was a human and not her master. He never put her in her place, so she kept doing it, because sometimes, she got what she wanted, and even when she didn’t, he never punished her for it, as her old master would have.
Not only did she make things difficult for him, but she knew he’d only stolen her so he could feed off her, and he didn’t seem to like her blood anymore. Sometimes he went for days without drinking it. He was probably disappointed that he’d tired of her already, that she didn’t taste as good as he’d expected. His disinterest should have made her happy, but instead, she kept worrying she’d done something wrong. She was nothing but a disobedient, disappointing, boring burden. No wonder he hardly talked to her anymore.
They stopped for the day early, before the sky blanched. Draven wanted to camp outside the city so they wouldn’t have to find a place to sleep with other Superiors around. He told her they’d find a place to stay the next night. Then he went looking for wood. Cali lay shivering in the tent Draven had set up. She wanted to drop into sleep before she even got inside, but once there, she kept wondering where Draven had gone and why he hadn’t come back yet. After lying in the tent a while, she got up and went outside, but she didn’t see him yet. His footsteps had gouged holes in the snow, but his trail disappeared into the eerie whiteness of the blanketed flatlands. Cali didn’t think she’d ever get used to the strange glow of snow at night, the clinging ache of it on her feet, the way it muffled the land and all its features, transforming them into a spooky silent mass of colorless alien landscape. Just looking at it too long made her shiver, as if something hidden lurked beneath the concealment of snow, waiting to pounce the moment she turned her back.
Forcing her mind to more calming thoughts, she focused her attention on the glow illuminating the eastern horizon and the glittering lights in the distance. She wondered what kind of life they’d have in the city. Maybe Draven would get an apartment after all. Things would be like before, except without Shelly.
She realized she hadn’t thought about Shelly for a while. While she’d been busy worrying about freezing to death, or starving, or getting captured, or being drained and left to rot by her lawless new master, her old master had probably been trying to torture information out of Shelly. She hoped Shelly had survived. He’d always talked to her, and he never acted mad for no reason and barely said two words to her for days at a time. And he’d taken good care of Leo and loved him plenty. She wished she could tell him what had happened to their baby. But it was probably better that she couldn’t. He’d be even madder at her than Draven.
Cali turned from the horizon in time to see Draven stepping carefully in his footprints as he returned. Instead of going into the tent as planned, Cali stood outside waiting for him. He didn’t speak until he had reached the tent. “There’s no wood,” he said as he passed Cali. He sat in the open doorway of the tent and began removing his boots. After beating them together to knock all the snow from them, he set them inside the tent, but he didn’t crawl inside as Cali expected. He sat in the doorway, pulling his feet in close, and hooked his hands together around his knees, leaned back and gazed at the sky. Cali waited for him to make some observation, but he didn’t, so she turned her face up and looked, too.
Since leaving the lake, appreciating the beauty of her surroundings, like thinking of her old home, had been largely ignored in the face of her more immediate concerns. Now, the reminder of it caught her unaware, and her whole body opened to take in the blazing sky overhead, awed at the mass of stars flung across the black. Her breath clouded the air and drifted upwards, disappearing just as she let out the next one. Draven’s breath didn’t show up at all.
“Cali,” he said, waiting until she dropped her eyes from the sky to look at him before continuing. “We’re going to be in the city tomorrow…” He spoke slowly, like he only formulated the words as he said them. “I can return you. I can leave you somewhere safe, perhaps a Confinement. They’ll scan your code and find that you’re missing and return you to Princeton. Would you like that?”
She stared at her new master in disbelief. After everything. He’d given her a dream, promised more waited outside her tiny apartment garden, told her he could give it to her. And now this? If she went back now, Shelly would know what had happened to Leo. And he’d never be her mate, and she’d never make him happy and he’d never make her happy, not completely. Not how a mate should. Master would punish her again, worse than the brand and the ankle chain, probably something so horrible she couldn’t even imagine it. The breeders would impregnate her and she’d birth babies, maybe lots of them, and her master would take each one from her, and she’d feel as bad as right now or worse, because unlike Leo, they’d be her real babies.
Despite the disappointments, despite it all coming to nothing but coldness and exhaustion and fear on both their parts, she still wanted the dream he’d promised her. Maybe things hadn’t worked out as expected, but now, compared with what she’d face if she went back, it didn’t seem so bad. Sure, she’d been cold and hungry. But all she had to do with this Superior was feed him. Lately, she couldn’t even do that. No wonder he didn’t want her anymore.
Before she had time to rein them in, the tears started. Turning away, she covered her face and cursed herself. It was all too much, losing Leo and losing the dream of something better than she’d had, and now the worst part, losing the hope that she’d someday find it. She couldn’t even keep Draven happy, and all he wanted was to drink her blood.
“Why do you weep?” he asked after a bit.
“Why?” she asked, dropping her hands and turning to face him, tears still stinging her cheeks. “Because I can’t do anything right. Everything that’s gone wrong this whole time is because I’m so bloodbagging humanoid. I can’t do anything except get in the way and slow you down. If one of us had to die, it should have been me.” A new onslaught of tears overtook her, and she hid her face in her hands. But when she felt Draven’s hand tugging gently at her ankle, she relented and sank down beside him in the opening of the tent. She didn’t protest when his arm circled her.
“You miss Leo,” he said. “Of course.”
“Of course I do,” she said through her hands. “Of course that’s why I’m crying. I can’t help it if I cry when I’m upset, okay? I know, you’ve probably never cried in your whole life, right? Well, not everyone can be so coldhearted.”
Draven chuckled softly. Infuriated, Cali shrugged to get his arm off her shoulder, but it stayed like she hadn’t even moved. The truth was, she felt coldhearted. Leo had died, and all she could think about was that she’d become an unwanted nuisance.
“Technically, I’m cold everywhere,” Draven said. “But I’m not trying to be insensitive. I’ve only never seen you being…a woman…before.”
“I’m always a woman,” she said, trying to hide her fresh burst of tears. “And that doesn’t have anything to do with it. Anyone would cry when a baby died, even a man. Just not you.”
Draven sat quiet a minute, then started petting her back in that soothing way that made her feel like a child. “I would cry sometimes, if I could.”
“I’m sure you’ve never cried in your life,” she said. She knew she sounded like a child and deserved to be treated that way, but she didn’t care.
“Before…” he said. “But not for a long time. At times I have wished it were possible, but…Superiors cannot.”
She sniffed. “You can’t cry?”
“I could cry, but as I have no tears, it would serve no purpose. It is no relief.” He spoke softly, stroking her back the whole time. His warm, rich voice soothed her to the point that she felt spellbound by it.
“You’re lucky you can’t cry,” she muttered. “I wish I couldn’t.”
“You can find release in your tears,” he continued in the same lulling tone. “And I’m glad of it. I wanted something else for us, my jaani, to give you something of worth. But as I’ve not been able to, perhaps you would be better served by returning to Byron.”
That set her off crying again, and she couldn’t seem to calm down. “I’m not better off there,” she said through her tears. “I won’t be happy because Leo’s gone and it’s all my fault. I was humanoid to make you get him, and all he did was put us in danger and slow us down, and it wasn’t his fault, it was mine. And now you’re tired of me and you’re sending me back and I’ll have to tell Shelly what happened. I don’t blame you, you’d be better off without me, but I can’t go back. Just leave me out here to die, I don’t care. I’m never going back.”
“Alright.”
“Alright?” she said, lifting her swollen eyes to his. “Alright? You’re just going to leave me out here to die?”
“If you do not wish to return, I’ll keep you.” This strange look flickered across his face, wary and almost scared, and a heavy pause fell between them as if he were waiting for her to react. When she didn’t, he shifted away so he wasn’t touching her and looked down at his knees. She wondered if she’d offended him again somehow, not knowing Superior custom and making another unintentional blunder. Or maybe he just thought she’d cry again, which made him uncomfortable.
“Where are we going?” she asked, wiping her cheeks on her sleeve. She couldn’t look at him either, after her outburst, so she turned to the city instead.
“I don’t know. You understand this? I’ve no great plan.”
“Okay.”
“I have nothing but what you see before you, not wood to build a fire nor a warm meal to feed you.”
“It’s okay,” Cali said. “I can get in the sleep sack.”
Draven nodded. “We may not survive the winter, even if we are not captured. One or both of us may die. You should know this, as well. I’ll not promise you an easier life than you’ve had. It will be more challenging.”
For a minute, Cali sat thinking of the apartment that she and Shelly had always found too cold. Now, she dreamed of its scant warmth, of having someone to curl up with
under the blankets while snow fell outside. Her chest ached with memories of the last winter, of lying in the bed sharing the warmth of Shelly and Leo, of running circles inside the room to warm her blood. She doubted her blood would ever get warm again. But when she thought of going back, of the hatred in Master’s voice when he shoved the cup into her hand and demanded her blood, she shivered more than she did at the morning air throwing ice crystals at her raw skin. She could still feel the sting of his hand across her cheek as clearly as the stinging of the tears smeared across her face in the icy blast of wind that shook the tent before curling away across the strange luminescent landscape.
Cali nodded. “Okay.”
“Do not expect the niceties I offered previously. I am sorry I promised you something…”
“You didn’t know,” Cali said.
“I’d not thought it through, what I was doing. I am a criminal now, a murderer. You also understand this, yes?” Draven turned and looked at her, forcing her eyes to his, forcing her understanding.
“I know,” she said. “I wish I was, too. I wish I’d killed one of the trackers. They killed Leo.”
After a pause, he said, “You don’t wish that.”
“Yes, I do.”
“Some knowledge is good, but knowing you have done something so momentous as to take a life from someone…” He shook his head and didn’t speak, just frowned and bowed his head until it almost touched his knees.
“I don’t care. He took Leo’s life. I did, too. I shouldn’t have dropped him. I haven’t done anything good for us the whole time. How can you even want me to stay around? I’ll only get in your way.”
Draven chuckled and lifted his head. “What do you imagine I’d eat if you weren’t here?”
“I don’t know,” Cali admitted. She tried not to pout, but she couldn’t help it. “You haven’t been…I thought…you’d gotten tired of me,” she said, the tears starting again. Every time she swept them away, they jumped right back up in her eyes. “You hardly ever eat, and I saw you getting sick twice, I thought maybe you didn’t like me or I made you sick now, and I know you’re mad at me. You used to talk to me all the time and now you barely say two words to me all day.”
The Renegades (The Superiors) Page 23