“What about me, Kat? I can’t just walk away from you.”
“You did that weeks ago, Landis,” she accused softly.
“Then let me walk back, Kat,” he entreated.
As with Alaska’s awesome glaciers, Kathy remained frozen and immovable. “No. Not now or ever. It could never be the same between us, and I cannot accept things the way they are. You ask too much.”
Landis captured her face between his hands and tenderly plundered her mouth. Her world careened madly, demanding to give wondrous flight to her straining emotions. Her enflamed body throbbed to give free rein to the fires which dangerously raged within it. If she yielded now, all would be lost. She forcefully steeled herself against response. She could not permit her perfidious guide to mislead her again, to treacherously shackle her with the gyves of powerful love and enslaving passion. To prevent her defeat, she kept reminding herself of his past betrayals and of his beguiling ways. Ben had alleged Landis loved and wanted something else more than her; Landis’s words implied at least as much. He was using his sensual prowess to weaken her will, to selfishly prove he still had power over her.
She remained rigid beneath his onslaught of kisses and caresses. She attempted to seal her lips against his mouth’s invasion, but he deftly pried them apart with his own. She was tempted to bite his exploratory tongue, but feared he would cry out in pain and alert others to his presence here. She needed to halt this blissful madness, until his sole choice was her. Her icy hands went against his broad shoulders to push him back. As a solid oak, she couldn’t budge him. His golden flesh burned against her hands.
He was aware of her lack of response and resistence, but refused to give up so easily. He nibbled at her ears, feeling a slight tremor run through her body. With renewed hope, his lips seared a trail to her breasts. As his mouth left one for the other, the warm moisture there chilled the taut peak. She helplessly shivered, praying for strength to reject him.
She pushed against his forehead to dislodge his mouth which was perilously pervading her senses. When she realized she was no match for his great strength, she seized a handful of ebony hair on the back of his head. She pulled gently at first to warn him of her impending action, gradually increasing the pain and pressure. “You can prove you’re physically stronger than I am, but you’ll be raping your own wife. And I’ll see that your Mounty friends learn the truth about their intrepid hero,” she warned between tightly clenched teeth, desperation and fear lacing her shaky voice.
Landis leaned back and gazed into her impassive features. Evidently she was insensate to him now; or so he assumed, unaware of how deeply she was struggling to appear apathetic and remote. “You mean it, don’t you?” he asked incredulously, his body aflame with need. Had he actually lost her?
“I’ve never meant anything more. If you think you can swagger in and delude me, you’ve never been more mistaken. Get out, Landis.”
His voice was hoarse when he spoke. “I want to make love to you, Kat. I need you tonight more than I’ve ever needed anyone. Do you really hate me so much? Did what we share mean so little to you?”
“You can’t ‘make love’ without love. Sex isn’t love. As to sharing, just what have you shared with me? Nothing but trouble and pain.”
“I suppose you have a right to be bitter, Kat. But…”
She cut him off, “Yes, Landis, I do; and I am.”
“Look me in the eye; swear you don’t want me,” he challenged.
Their gazes locked, seeking and pleading. She inhaled raggedly. “You taught me what passion was. I won’t try to pretend you don’t have a physical effect on me. I’ll even confess it’s difficult to refuse you. But I would despise myself if I surrendered. I won’t become your legal mistress, or your spy, or your magnet to draw Jake into the open. Stop using me!”
“I don’t want you for any of those reasons, Kat,” he vowed, novel fears gnawing at him. “I want only you. God, I’m sorry I messed things up.”
“You’re only trying to ensnare me with your charms,” she scoffed, praying he would halt this torment. “But I fear your magic has already vanished.”
He studied her fathomless eyes for a time. Kathy compelled herself to deny the warring emotions emblazoned upon his somber face. He was a master at deception; she couldn’t fall for this cruel ruse. She bravely stared back at him, barely managing to conceal her turmoil.
He rolled off the bed and stood up, his back to her. He reached for his clothes and jerked them on. He sat down to pull on his boots. Afterwards, he remained there for a short time, shoulders slumped, hands resting on thighs, staring at the floor in silence. Kathy fought the urge to reach out to him. Too many pains and secrets. Perhaps one day…No, it was foolish to live for golden dreams.
He turned and looked down at her. His voice carried a strange inflection as he murmured, “I wish things could be different. If you had come a year ago or a year from now…” He left his statement unfinished. “I can’t vow to leave you alone; I wouldn’t keep it. Will you make me some promises?” he asked.
She rolled to her side, facing the wall, remaining mute. Landis went on, in spite of her silence. “Will you swear to be careful around Soapy? He’s dangerous, Kat. Don’t get any crazy notions of meddling in his affairs. Get out of Dawson as soon as possible. If you need money, I’ll give it to you, no strings attached. Don’t turn to some other man just to spite me. You’ll regret it some day. You’ll both get hurt in the process. At least try to forgive me. Don’t increase your hatred and bitterness. Last, if you need anything at all, promise you’ll stow that pride and resentment to send for me. If there’s any trouble, I’ll come to help. I swear it. Anything or any help at all, Kat.”
Still, she didn’t answer him. “I’m not leaving until you make those promises,” he vowed, his eyes slipping down her nude back.
Desperately needing to end this tormenting scene, she replied crisply, “I’ll be very careful around all men. I’ll be leaving Dawson and Alaska, so I don’t need or want your money. I couldn’t accept any if I were destitute. I would never use men in coy games. My pardon to you depends solely on whether you leave me alone. Lastly, I don’t need your help or protection; I won’t become indebted to you again. We’re even; and I plan to keep it that way. Now, leave; I’m exhausted.”
The gaps in her promises left tiny rays of hope. “Good-night, Kat Jurrell,” he murmured sadly, his heart and body aching. He knew he had to leave quickly, or he might forcefully seduce her.
“Goodbye, Landis,” she responded, the word painfully ringing with chilling finality. “Thanks for the brief use of your name.”
He walked to the door, going cautiously so as to not alert the guard. He gingerly opened it; all was quiet outside. Forgetting one point, he closed the door and soundlessly turned to add it.
Kathy had instantly buried her face in her pillow and given way to muffled sobs which tore at his heart and guilt. “No, Landis, it isn’t that easy,” she vowed softly into the darkness. “Whatever it takes, I’ll get you out of my life,” she cried in anguish, “I can’t take this constant warring anymore. I just want to be free and happy again.”
Just as he was about to go to her, her last words halted him dead in his tracks. “I hate you, Landis; I hate you. I’ll never forgive you for what you’ve done, never…God, I wish I had never met you.”
Tears glimmered in his eyes. His body trembled. He felt as if some mythical hand had plunged savagely through his mortal flesh and bones to grasp his heart and agonizingly squeeze it. He comprehended the intensity of her sufferings—for he shared their depth and potency.
As she wept into her pillow, he furtively vanished into the glacial night. Kathy needed time and distance. Much as he dreaded granting them, he would. He was suddenly frantic to complete his present missions, to give him the means to confess all, to earn her forgiveness. But how would she feel when he destroyed her father, when he revealed the marital ruse?
I can’t lose you, Kat Marlowe, his hear
t cried out. One day you’ll hear the truth, whether you want to or not. I can’t allow you to leave without knowing it. If or when you walk away from me forever, it won’t be with any secrets between us. Just a few more months, love, that’s all I need…
Kathy turned on her back and stared at the firelight dancing on the ceiling. She wished he had not made such statements; she wished she had not seen his expressions or heard the tones in his voice. She was so confused. If she could only trust him. Damn him for making it impossible!
Could she walk away and never look back if there was even one ray of hope? So many betrayals haunted her: her father’s, her love’s, her own body and heart’s. In a way, she even felt betrayed by her mother’s untimely death. Was that the crux of this complex and racking episode in her life? Too many disillusionments and sacrifices too quickly, all seemingly intertwined? Who, what, and where was her father?
“I love you with all my heart and soul, Landis Jurrell, no matter what you are. Even after all you’ve done, God help me, I desperately need you. But I can’t think about you until this matter is settled. I must prove certain things to both of us. If only you had said, Kat Jurrell, I love you, just once with a verity I couldn’t deny…” She pulled the covers tightly to her neck, crying softly until relenting slumber claimed her.
Twenty-Two
Landis came to Dawson several times during those next two weeks. Sometimes, he remained in the center room of Soapy’s where the gambling wheels and tables were positioned. Often he would halt his conversation or game to stare thoughtfully at his hands or glass while Kathy was singing. When she walked through the center room going to or from her performances, his gaze would longingly lock on her and trail her until out of sight. He noted how long she stayed in Soapy’s office, fetching or returning expensive jewels. Most assumed Landis was missing her and trying to entice her home.
He sporadically ate in the red room, for appearances, he told her. A few times, he had blocked her path to force her to look at him and hopefully smile and speak, making their meeting appear accidental.
When this happened, Kathy would reluctantly meet his searching gaze and speak politely, then hastily retreat before he could engage her in any conversation. A few times when he was in the red room, her gaze would be helplessly drawn to him. Again, she would quickly avert her turbulent eyes when she comprehended her action. When he was present, she was apprehensive and quiet. She found concentration difficult.
Soapy furtively observed them, disturbed by Kathy’s fierce resistence to Landis’s pursuit; that was what the cunning rogue was doing! He was making sure she and other males were aware of his claim. His gaze was like a tender and stirring caress; his eyes were mockingly playful. Evidently that hundred-dollar bet that Landis couldn’t win her back again had done the trick!
The puzzle was Kathy, who looked anxious, even frightened. Landis was unnerving her. It was obvious she was fiercely attempting to ignore him and his charms, and she was having an uncomfortable time of it! Kathy was definitely attracted to the puissant tower of strength and good looks; she was just too proud to submit, or Soapy mistakenly assumed. Her distraught mood told Soapy his plan would eventually work.
Only once had Smith called attention to Kathy’s troubled state, for he didn’t wish to draw attention to his observation and interest. One night when she came to his office, he glanced up and remarked lightly, “You seem distracted when Jurrell’s here. Do you want me to refuse him entrance? Why not stop this pretense of a marriage?”
Kathy gingerly responded, “Half the men here watch me, so that wouldn’t be smart. I also think it unwise to order him to stay out; he is my husband. Besides, he seems to have lots of friends. He could entice their business from us if you repel him.”
“You’ve got a point there, Kathy,” he shrewdly concurred, pleased the argument came from her lips instead of his, calling her by her first name as he had been doing lately. “I think you’re making a mistake to publicly avoid him. People might get suspicious.”
She gasped in mock astonishment. “I hadn’t considered that angle.”
“While you’re here, I think that’s wisest,” he advised.
“I only agreed to stay for six weeks; they’re almost over. I miss my friends and home. It’s so cold and uncivilized here. By spring, thousands of new gold-seekers will be coming to the Yukon. I want to go home.”
“We’ll miss you, Kathy. You’ve been great for this town; the people really appreciate what you’ve done for them. So do I; you’ve increased my profits by leaps and bounds. You could become a rich, independent woman within a year. I know the terms of our bargain, but I will try to persuade you to stay longer,” he mirthfully informed her.
She smiled deceptively. “You’ve been a good boss, Mr. Smith. You’ve kept your promises. I want to thank you. And Luther, too; he’s been very kind to me. I just feel so out of place here. I’m not pioneer material,” she commented, drawing out the conversation with hopes of unmasking some vital clue about those papers.
“It isn’t so bad here, Kathy, once you get used to it.”
“Maybe not for men. But it is for a woman. I’m tired of being frozen. It’s so dangerous I can’t go for a stroll without a guard. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but I don’t like living in a house filled with…your girls. And prices are so outrageous I can’t afford not to accept your hospitality. I miss my own social class; I miss the elegant dinners, the shops, the theaters, and many other feminine pleasures. Dawson might have those things one day. I suppose this sounds frivilous and childish to you.”
“Not at all, Kathy. I understand your logic and feelings.”
He was apparently falling for her reasons to leave when the time came, which she hoped would be soon. “I’d like to become a concert pianist when I return to America. This job has whet my appetite for performing. I’m enjoying myself. But I’d rather be playing real music in a warm concert hall to people who appreciate it. If I played a thirty-page sonata here, I would be heckled off the stage. This kind of music is fun, but it isn’t me.”
“You see, it was a great idea to come to work for me. Now, you have some experience. I have every confidence you’ll succeed.”
“Thank you. I want to ask you something,” she hinted, then inquired about alterations on the striking gold gown to make it wearable. When she explained her intentions, he fully agreed.
“I have the perfect necklace to adorn it, a large emerald on a gold chain,” he remarked on her plans to trim it in green satin. He could envision the tawny haired beauty in a golden gown in a gold town.
“I think you know more about jewelry than most women.”
“Perhaps I’ll select a special piece for your going-away present.”
“No, I couldn’t accept such an expensive gift. It would only encourage robbers along the way. After my experience with the wolves, I much prefer a safer journey back to Skagway. But thank you.”
“A little less richer, but safer,” he jested, chuckling.
“Thank you for the gesture. Goodnight, Mr. Smith.”
By Friday, the golden dress was ready to wear. Kathy and Nelle were overjoyed by the result. Kathy was eager to see Jack tonight and walked over early to meet him for supper. He couldn’t believe how dazzling she looked. Landis wasn’t around; she was relieved—and disappointed. She didn’t tell Jack about Landis’s nocturnal visit to her room, but she did relate his numerous visits and curious behavior.
“How can he…Trace!” Jack called out in surprise when the smiling Mounty came forward to join them. “Good to see you again.”
The two men shook hands and began a genial conversation. Trace was stunned by Kathy. He had been in and out several times, but tonight she was different. There was a glow on her face; she was vivacious and enchanting. Landis was surely eating his heart out!
When Trace questioned her glow, she announced her departure. His smile vanished. “We’ll miss you, Kathy. You brighten up this place.”
“I’ve be
en telling her that,” Soapy added, smiling at her over Trace’s shoulder. “Maybe you two can convince her to stay longer.”
Kathy laughed genially. “No way, my friends. Living here is like being in a frozen prison. I’ve served my time, thank you.”
“You’ll be sorely missed,” Trace murmured affectionately.
Kathy responded, “I’ll miss all my new friends, too.”
“We’re planning a party here the last night if you two want to come,” Soapy unexpectedly announced.
Kathy was surprised. “That’s very thoughtful and kind.” Kathy watched Smith’s retreat, pondering his increased attention.
“My last night, I’ll buy champagne to toast our new lives.”
“You’re getting mighty cocky with all the money you’re earning,” Jack chided her. For once, Jack selfishly wished Kathy was Dory.
“Trace, could I ask you a big favor? You can refuse, and I won’t be upset,” she ventured mysteriously.
“Anything, Kathy,” he hastily agreed before hearing her out.
“It’s about the money I’ve earned, nearly five thousand dollars. I was wondering if you could take it to Log Cabin for me on your next visit. I’ll give it to you secretly, so your safety will be insured. If anyone’s watching me, he’ll think I’m leaving it in the bank. I’ll let it be known I won’t be carrying any. I’m afraid someone might rob us after we leave Dawson.”
“You mean Soapy? That would be a cunning ruse to keep you stranded and working here. Naturally I’ll help. I’ll leave it with Sergeant Thomas, then you can claim it on your way back. I might even be around to escort it and you to Skagway, if Landis isn’t available.”
Golden Torment Page 43