He acted like he wasn’t listening. He tapped his thumb on the steering wheel, keeping the beat with some private tune. She wished she could rewind him like a cassette tape. The truth was she wanted him to hold her hand.
“I thought you liked me,” she said.
He glanced at her. “Maybe I was starting to, but right now I could go either way.” He brushed some dust off the dashboard with his fingers. “Anyway, you don’t like me.”
No, she didn’t. She couldn’t wait to get out of this car. So why did she have the feeling that once he dropped her off, she’d miss him? Was it just the touch of his hand on hers? Or was it something more?
“Well, you move kinda fast, don’t you?”
He shrugged. “Life is short. Besides, there’s only two weeks of summer left.”
“Let me guess. You have a girlfriend at school.”
“No. I don’t want one neither.”
“Then why were you talking about you and me dating?”
“When did I say that?”
“When we left Stuckey’s. You said we could consider today a real date.”
He shrugged again, as if she was boring him immensely.
“Dating someone don’t mean you’re boyfriend and girlfriend.”
“Oh.” Was this something everyone understood? She could see that to call a boy your boyfriend after one date might be premature, but what about after two, or three? And what about holding hands? That meant something, didn’t it?
“What does dating someone mean?” she asked.
“It means you have fun together and want to hang out.”
“How’s that different than being boyfriend and girlfriend?”
“Definitions are unnecessary.” He wore a squinty look and kept turning his head back and forth like the plain houses and brown scrubby lawns they were passing were simply fascinating. “They create expectations.”
“My only expectation was that you get me to my dad.”
He was scowling now.
“Why don’t you get your brother to go?”
“I’m not telling Lenny anything about this! And I don’t want you to either.”
“Hey, I have no desire to talk to him.” He lifted a ropey arm to adjust the mirror, then laid it coolly on the back of the seat. “But you and me can still hang out.”
Sally rolled her eyes. “Yippee.”
He flashed her a hot look but she didn’t care. Did he think he could insult her and not get a little payback?
“You’re no prize, you know,” she added.
He pursed his lips. A moment later they slowed for a red light and he turned to face her.
“I’ve got feelings too,” he said, with a look so like a hurt little boy, open and unflinching, that Sally was instantly sorry. In a burst of spontaneity, she leaned forward and planted a kiss on his cheek.
“Hey!” There was that grin, transforming his face. “That was nice! Do it again.”
She couldn’t see that it would harm anything. She leaned toward him and right before her lips made contact, he turned his head. Just like that, without a moment’s notice, she was having her first kiss. An honest-to-God, lip to lip, someone-likes-me kiss! It was so much easier than she ever imagined. And nicer. The softness of his mouth surprised her. She felt a scratchiness above his upper lip and a warmth on her face as he exhaled from his nose. She squeezed her eyes shut tight, vowing to remember this her whole life through.
“You smell good,” he murmured, pulling away.
How did she smell? She wanted to ask him, but that would definitely not be romantic. Instead, she’d check the soap in the bathroom the minute she got home and use the same kind every day.
She ought to thank him. Not just for the compliment, but for giving her this gift. Finally! She’d been kissed! But before she could speak he swooped in again. This time he put his hand on the back of her head and moved his mouth around hers so that what might have been one little kiss grew into five, ten, more kisses until something in her belly went rubbery. Was this making out? Dear God, she was making out in a car with a boy! She knew she had to make him stop, but this was an even bigger compliment. She must be good at this! Look how eager he was for more!
“Green light,” she mumbled, putting a hand on his chest and pushing him away. He sighed and stepped on the gas. They got on the highway and rode a while, that quiet between them again, only this time the air really was super-charged. No mistaking. They shared something special. She looked over and he was smiling too.
She leaned her head out the open window. The sun was on full bake but the heat no longer seemed oppressive. The air rushing by lifted her hair and rustled the letter she held in her lap. She looked at it again. Yes, her mother did a terrible thing. But maybe she deserved a break. As long as everything turned out okay, what did it matter?
What did anything matter now? She had a boyfriend! Her very first! Her stomach fluttered. So Cash wasn’t her absolute ideal. Her father wouldn’t be ideal either. That didn’t mean she couldn’t appreciate them for what they were.
Suddenly she was dying to know everything about Cash! His favorite subjects in school. Did he want to be a mechanic? Did he have any brothers or sisters? She’d even talk baseball. Anything.
“How long have you worked at the Texaco?” she asked.
He shrugged. “Not long.”
“You like it?”
Another shrug. “It’s okay.”
Well. The wind was whipping too loudly to talk anyway. And Cash seemed to prefer the radio. He cranked it up and they listened to song after song as the miles spooled out, until Sally began to feel that old feeling close in on her. Hey! Here I am! She checked her reflection in the side mirror just to be sure she was there.
But every so often he would flash a quick smile—that smile! How she lived for it!—and she was reminded, this was a companionable silence. They had plenty of time. That’s what his silence was saying.
So she couldn’t explain the fear that gripped her as they drove into Holland. They came to a main road that led to opposite sides of town. A right turn would take her home. A left would take them out over the tracks.
Tentatively she said, “About the Torchlight…”
He groaned. “Then can we go to the beach?”
She tried to imagine herself at the beach with him. Would they sit on the sand, hold hands and talk, or would he expect her to go back in the bushes, where the easy girls went? Was she one of those girls now? Maybe it was the same as her journey to her father, the thing she knew when she first set foot in Cash’s car: there was no going back.
“Maybe just for a half hour or so.”
He turned the wheel left. “This better be quick.”
Sally sat staring at the squat concrete building. There were no windows. Just a beige brick wall, a blue steel door and a neon Schlitz sign.
“Go ahead,” Cash said.
She didn’t move. “I can’t.”
He rolled his eyes. “Oh for chrissake.”
“You go in first.” If she could follow him, she wouldn’t be so scared.
He shook his head. “I’m not going in. You get your ass inside or I’m leaving you here.” He put his foot up as if to push her out of the car. “Go!”
“You’ll wait, right? No more practical jokes.”
He killed the motor and gave her a sugary smile. “I promise.”
She still didn’t move. “What should I say?”
“The same thing you were planning to say in Kalamazoo.”
That was different. Then she thought her dad had read her letter and he would know immediately why she was there. Here, face to face with him, she’d have to explain everything. And what if he was drunk, or with his buddies? What if they made fun of her? What if she became tongue-tied and couldn’t get her story out and looked like some stupid, awkward loser? Or worse, what if he denied knowing her?
Cash sighed. “It’s hotter than hell just sitting here. And I don’t got all day.”
&nbs
p; She opened her car door. She’d never expected it to be easy. She crossed the gravel lot and pulled on the steel door. It was so heavy she thought it was locked. She tried again and it opened with a loud sucking sound. Inside, the room was so dim all she saw was the exit sign shining over the back door. Then a TV playing in the corner. She stood blinking a moment. A man at the bar turned.
“I don’t know anything about it,” he said loudly, holding up both hands.
She looked behind her. “Uh…”
The man leaned forward and squinted at her. She walked toward him cautiously.
“Nope, not here,” he said. “Someone beat you to him.”
“To who?”
“Richie. Another kid was in here the other day. They left together.”
“How do you know why I’m here?”
“Ritchie Van Sloeten, right? His son came in for him.”
“Lenny? Are you sure?”
“How many more of you are there? Just so’s I can mark my calendar.” He laughed.
Lenny and her father, together? There had to be a mistake. Her dad could have other sons, maybe an army of them, from countless different women.
“What did the kid look like?” she asked.
“Tall. Scrawny. Wore a bandana and a mean scowl.”
That was Lenny all right.
“He wasn’t carrying a baseball bat, was he?” She imagined Lenny charging in, swinging away like a madman. But there was no sign of trouble here. And the bartender wouldn’t be acting so casual if there had been a fight.
“Not that I could see.”
She hesitated, afraid to ask. “Where did they go?”
“Didn’t say. If you want I’ll tell him you were here.”
She shook her head. Now what? It should be simple. Go find Lenny. But she had a sinking feeling, like she’d just waded into quicksand. Like the faster she moved, the faster she’d be pulled under. What was she going to find out?
“Hey. What you want with him?”
She took in the dismal surroundings. What did she want? A father who hung out in a place like this?
“Just wanted to catch up. You know, on old times.” It was a ridiculous, old-lady thing to say.
She hurried out, squinting in the glare of the sun, and threw herself into the car.
“I’ve got to get home.”
“What’s the matter?”
“My dad’s been with Lenny.”
“I thought you all hadn’t seen him for 10 years.”
“I don’t know what’s going on. Just go!”
“What about the beach?”
“I can’t. I’ve got to find Lenny.”
Cash made a sound of disgust. “This has turned out to be one hell of a wild goose chase. You couldn’t have talked to Lenny about this before we went chasing all over?”
“I did talk to him. Sort of.” She was thinking of his birthday, just a few days ago, when she told him about mailing her letter. He’ll never write back, he’d said. So sure. It came at her like a kick in the gut. He knew.
“Can you get me home?”
“You’re awfully bossy.”
She sighed. “Listen, Cash. I’m sorry. We’ll go to the beach some other time. Please.” She motioned for him to hurry up.
“I want to go today. You said we’d go.”
What a child! She turned on him.
“Do you have any idea what I’m going through? My dad is with my brother! You know, the one who’s always talking about how much he hates him and how he’ll beat his head in if he ever sees him again. My mother has been lying to me, and—oh, can’t you see? It’s like everyone is in some secret plot against me!”
“Jeez. Calm down.”
“Then stop being such an asshole.”
“Right. I’m the asshole. I spend my whole morning driving you around, wasting my time, and I’m the asshole. Anyway, you said we’d go to the beach, so it looks like you’re a liar.”
“Circumstances have changed. I have to get home. Go to the beach by yourself.”
“Damn right I will.”
“Fine.” She wouldn’t be bullied. She stuck her chin out and ignored him as he snorted and huffed and threw the car into gear. When she stole a glance at him she saw that he was playing the same game, his jaw thrust out like a tough guy. It wasn’t as if she didn’t want to go to the beach. She knew it was what the cool kids did. But she didn’t have the energy for him anymore. Not now.
When they pulled up in front of her house, Cash didn’t look at her. Abruptly he leaned across her— for a hug? she wondered, because it was just the kind of backwards, unpredictable thing he’d do— but he grabbed the door handle and pushed hard.
“Better go find daddy.”
Her cheeks burned as she climbed out. “Don’t you want to...” she began, but the car peeled away, kicking up a shower of gravel. She felt it sting against her ankles. Then came the sting of tears. What did she do wrong? Why was everyone in such a hurry to lie to her, or leave her in the lurch? She was likeable, she was. And deserving. Only no one seemed to notice.
As she walked up the sidewalk to her front steps, she counted. One. Two. Three. It was a habit she got from her mother, who always told her to count her blessings. When there’s trouble ahead, count it out.
One. I’m home, safe and sound.
Two. I had my first kiss!
Three. I’m not starving in Africa.
It was no use. This time there was too much trouble ahead. She eased open the door, believing for one split second that the house might be empty. Maybe her mother thought Sally had gone to Bible School early. She’d be at work like usual. Nell would still be at her crossing guard orientation, and Lenny, the one she most needed to see, didn’t live with them anymore. But her mother wasn’t stupid, and Nell lived for moments like this, when she could help bring the hammer down on Sally.
Steeling herself, she stepped inside and came face to face with Pastor Voss. She blinked, surprised. Then groaned. Was she going to have to live in the church basement too?
“Prudy, she’s here!” She heard relief in his voice. Her mother rushed out from the kitchen with Lenny and Nell right behind. There was a pinched look on their faces that relaxed when they saw her. Wow. They were really scared for her. She hadn’t expected that.
“Where were you?” her mother asked, her eyes raw.
She heard Nell say Thank God! And from Lenny something about Cash. She looked at him. Liar. At her mother. Liar. And why hadn’t it occurred to her before? Nell could have written the letter. Sally no longer trusted any of them.
Her mother gave her a shake. “Where were you?” she repeated.
“Looking for my dad.”
“Are you crazy?”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked Lenny. “You’ve seen him and you didn’t tell me!”
He glared at her. “Who knew you were going to go running off?”
“Did you go to Kalamazoo?” her mother cried. “Is that where you were?”
Sally was silent. I don’t have to answer anything. She’s the one who needs to explain.
Prudy threw her hands up. “The police were out looking for you!”
Police? So it was bad. “What did you expect me to do?” she said. “You were no help!”
The pastor stepped forward with his hands out. Like she was some crazy lady. He spoke gently. “We were worried. Everyone here cares about you.”
She looked at her mother. “Why does he have to be here?”
Prudy looked stunned. “Sally!”
“I just don’t see how this involves the church.”
Lenny spoke up. “I agree.”
Prudy’s jaw clenched. “I’ll speak to you alone, in your room, right now.”
But Sally stepped back. “What’s the matter?” She pulled the letter from her pocket and waved it in front of her mother. “You don’t want anyone to know about this? The letter that you wrote. How could you?”
Let her try to wiggle out of this one! I
nstead, her mother seemed to deflate. She closed her eyes for a moment. Then nodded. “I’m sorry. It was a mistake. But I’m only looking out for you.”
“That’s it? That’s your explanation?” There had to be something her mother could say to take away this crumpled-up feeling. I called your dad and we discussed it. He asked me to tell you…. Or He wrote that himself. Really! In fact, he desperately wants to come but I talked him out of it!
It was nothing but her mother’s mean-spirited way of bending Sally to her will. She wasn’t allowed to have her own ideas, her own plans. Her own heart. She wished she’d never come back. It would serve her mother right if she disappeared and Prudy spent her life knowing she’d driven her away. And talk about a double standard.
“What about Lenny? He’s seen him!”
Prudy didn’t answer. She seemed to be considering something. She worked her hands together. Stared out the window. Finally she sighed.
“We’ve all seen him,” she said.
Sally looked at Lenny. Nell. The pastor. They all wore the same hang-dog face. “When?”
“Lenny and Nell stole my car this morning when they learned you were going to Kalamazoo with Cash,” Pastor Voss said.
“We’ve just come from the police station,” Prudy said. “Lenny broke his parole. Nell almost lost her new job.”
Sally didn’t understand. “Why would you do that?” she asked them.
Lenny snorted. “You think I’m going to let you take off with Cash DeVries?”
Nell shot him a dirty look. “We wanted to find you,” she said. “We went and got Dad and he came with us.”
Went and got Dad. It sounded so cozy, like they were stepping into the next room. Hey Dad! Dinner’s ready!
Suddenly paranoid, Sally thought: what if they saw him all the time? Maybe they got together secretly, without her, for holidays and special occasions. Those Sunday afternoons she spent at Frannie’s house, were those their special family days?
“I had to beg for a ride to Kalamazoo from a guy I hardly know who, by the way, likes me. That’s right, likes me. Or at least would if I didn’t have such a psycho family. And I get all the way there just to find out that my dad knows nothing about me or my letter, and then I have to walk into a creepy looking bar and have some stranger tell me that Lenny was there with his dad.” She stamped her foot. “What’s going on?!”
Hello Loved Ones Page 18