“What are you doing?” she hissed.
“Relax,” he whispered, slipping the flask expertly back into his breast pocket. He gave her an easy smile and a wink. Oh, why did sparkly people have to be so dangerous? The tactless comments, the bad manners, she could handle all that, but not this! Not drinking!
“Fathers, question your daughter’s dates. Be involved. And girls, don’t be angry with your father when he advises you. Proverbs 23:22 says ‘listen to your father, who gave you life.’ Remember he’s doing it because he loves you.”
He loves you. More like he loves you not. How could her dad do this? Did anyone notice? Would they have to leave? Her thoughts were racing so fast, it was a moment before she noticed the quiet. The pastor had finished. But why wasn’t anyone clapping or moving? Oh. He was only pausing. But the pause grew longer. His eyes were downcast. He held the podium as if dizzy. Maybe he was sick. Maybe the whole lot of them would get food poisoning. She could only hope! That at least would overshadow everything else.
At last the pastor looked up. Straight at her.
“A daughter is a gift from God,” he said quietly. “Treat her as such and your reward will be great.” He continued to look at her. Sally stared back at him, growing uncomfortable. He coughed and looked away.
“I believe the ladies will begin serving cake now,” he said.
Sally turned on her dad.
“I thought you weren’t drinking!” she whispered.
He put up his hands. “Sally, honey. This doesn’t change anything. Believe me.”
She wanted to believe him. She knew that some people drank when they were having fun. Maybe he just felt like celebrating.
“So, you notice how that fucker was staring at me?” he said.
“I thought he was looking at me.”
“Why would he be looking at you? No, he was making it obvious that he doesn’t want me here. And everyone else noticed, too.”
Her cheeks grew warm. “Maybe they noticed what you put in your drink.”
This made him sigh. “Would you get off my case? Just a smack or two keeps me sharp. You want me to be at my best, don’t you?”
“Yes, but…” she faltered. “People just won’t understand, that’s all.”
“So what? They’ll all have something to gloat about. A bunch of fucking saints, aren’t they?”
Sally blinked hard and saw Frannie watching her. Sweet Frannie with her plain face and warm smile, sitting beside her overweight dullard of a father.
“They’re not so bad.”
“Listen, I’m going out to have a cigarette. I’ll be back in a jiff.” He leaned over and gave her shoulder a squeeze. “This is fun.”
Watching him go, Sally realized that she couldn’t let him wander around on his own. She grabbed her purse and started after him. A hand on her arm made her stop.
“Sally, could I speak to you a moment?”
It was Pastor Voss.
“Just leave him alone, okay?”
She pulled away from him and made her way around the crowded tables, her eyes glued to her dad’s back, suddenly fearful that if she looked away, he’d disappear. She saw him step out the back door that opened onto the church parking lot. It shut with an ominous thud. Rushing forward, she put her hand on its cold metal bar, ready to push, then hesitated. There he was. Through the cloudy square window she could see his head bowed, the quick flare of a match, a curlicue of smoke. She sighed and leaned heavily against the wall.
Looking out the small window, Sally could practically hear her dad’s cigarette crackle as he took a drag. He was so close, yet here she was, invisible to him. She wanted to knock hard on the glass, to wave wildly and make him look. She told herself that if he would only look, if he would raise his eyes and break into a smile, she would be satisfied.
She waited, standing on tiptoe until her feet and calves ached and she had to stop. This was ridiculous. She opened the door and he cut his eyes at her.
“You checking up on me?” he said.
“Why don’t you come in?”
“Sure. I’ll be right there.” He exhaled. “ Go on.”
“I’ll wait for you.”
“For chrissake,” he muttered, tossing the cigarette aside. “I gotta go to the john.”
As he moved around her, she smelled the alcohol.
“What happened?” she asked, sounding plaintive. She must have made him mad, or somehow let him down.
He pulled at his face. “I just don’t know why you gotta be breathing down my neck. I said I’d be right back.”
She felt her knees shake. “I’m afraid you’ll drink.”
He gave her an indulgent smile. “Hon, if I’m gonna drink, you ain’t gonna stop me.”
The buzz of the crowd was coming through the walls. All the girls in fluffy dresses. The dads in neckties and aftershave. This was her moment. She couldn’t let it be ruined.She took a deep breath. “Well. I love you, okay?”
He went on smiling at her, like she hadn’t just handed him a slice of her heart.
“Of course you do, hon.” He cupped her cheek. “Now get yourself back in there, you crazy kid.”
Slowly Sally returned to the main room, her head feeling strangely hot. People had left their seats and were milling about, waiting for the tables to be cleared and moved aside to make room for dancing. She’d look for Frannie, that’s what. Sensible, comforting Frannie. But as she scanned the crowd, Pastor Voss approached, blocking her view.
“I need just a moment of your time,” he said solemnly. “Please. It’s very important.”
Sally sighed. “Fine. Have your little I-told-you-so.” The old Sally would never talk this way, but she was irritated! Maybe her dad had rubbed off on her. She could hear what he would say. This is such bullshit!
She followed the pastor up the back stairs to a small study behind the sanctuary. He shut the door and turned to her and the look on his face made her stomach drop.
“Did something happen to my mom?” she asked.
He shook his head. “Sally, I have something to tell you and it will be very hard for you to understand. But I want you just to listen.”
“Is it Lenny? Where is he?”
“It’s nothing like that. Everyone is fine. What I have to say, I say because I care about you.” He paused and looked at her meaningfully. “More than I care about any other church member.”
She stepped back, an uneasiness washing over her. Was he some kind of pervert? This was something else the old Sally would never do. She’d never have that kind of thought. But she was changed. Her dad had changed her. Cash had changed her. Even her mother and her sneaky fake letter had changed her. She glanced at the door. If he came any closer she’d run.
“Please, just listen. Years ago your mother and I were…” He paused again. For someone who spoke in front of a crowd every Sunday, he had trouble getting to the point. Still, hearing him mention her mother made Sally breathe a little easier.
“We were romantically involved,” he said and his head started bobbing on high speed.
Jesus, she thought. Not Jesus as in Dear Jesus help me out here. More like the letters stitched into Aunt Flookie’s needlepoint. They were hidden, sort of. But when you stared at the right colors, there it was: Jesus. Once you saw it, you didn’t know how you missed it; the strange formality between them, the way his face twitched when he spoke to her. It made a crazy kind of sense.
“Okay,” she said slowly. Her mom had been alone a long time. And Sally was modern now. “So?”
He began pacing and spoke like he was explaining something to himself. “It was after your dad left your mother. After. Then he came back, but you see, at the time it seemed as if he’d gone for good. So you see, we thought…”
She had a flash of her mother married to him. She would have been a pastor’s kid. Thank God that hadn’t happened! Everyone knew how strange PK’s were.
“When—”
“You weren’t born yet. That’s what I�
�m getting to.”
So this was ancient history. She supposed she should care, but she was more worried about getting back to her dad. Anyway, the pastor seemed bothered enough for both of them.
“What you’re saying is that you had an affair,” she said, trying to help him. “My mom was still married.”
“Yes! Yes, that’s right.” Like they were playing charades or something.
“So my dad came back and you broke up.” What did this matter now? He was stealing valuable time away from her and dad, and for what? A game of true confession?
“We did break up, but as a result of our....time together, your mother became pregnant.”
Sally felt herself go still.
“You got my mother pregnant?” she finally managed. “But…what you said tonight… that crap about love and lust and Christian values—”
“Everything I said in my speech is true. It’s what I believe. It’s just that people stumble from time to time.”
“Stumble? Into someone’s bed?” She had a quick flash of him falling, naked, on top of her mother, and cringed. “Don’t tell me I have a half brother or sister out there somewhere.”
He sighed. His look was pleading and watery. “She was pregnant with you, Sally. You are my daughter.”
She stared a moment, stunned, then laughed, the same way she’d laughed earlier when she thought of her mom dating. Oh sure, tell me another one.
His eyebrows climbed higher on his forehead. Plead, plead.
“No!” She turned away. “I think I know my own mother.” But hadn’t she already seen that her mother wasn’t what she seemed? That she would double-cross her own daughter?
“She put you up to this, didn’t she? She’s jealous of me and my dad, and so are you.”
He made a face. “Nobody’s jealous of you.” As if that were the stupidest thing in the world, that anyone would be jealous of Sally Van Sloeten.
She didn’t have to take this! She knew who she was now. She was just like Richard. Free-spirited. Unique. For the first time in her life she fit somewhere. She wouldn’t let some crazy-talking weirdo ruin it.
“Listen, I’m sorry your wife died and you don’t have any kids of your own. But you can’t go around stealing other people’s daughters for yourself.”
“Why would I tell you this if it’s not true? A man in my position—”
“Because you hate him, that’s why!”
He pressed his lips together and waited. It was an I-shall-not-be-moved look. Her anger turned to panic. She had to get out of there.
“When my dad hears what you’re saying, you’ll be sorry. He’ll beat the living shit out of you.”
He grabbed her arm.
“No one has to know about this, Sally. Especially not now, not tonight. Let’s give it time to sink in, and you can decide how you feel about it, and what kind of relationship you want to have.”
“Let go of me! I don’t want any relationship with you! I want my dad.”
“Stay for just a minute. I’ll have someone send your mother in.”
This startled her. “She’s here? Why would she be here?”
“To help you understand this.”
“There’s nothing to understand!” Sally had a Polaroid in her purse! More than that, there were the images burned on her heart. That first hug. The corsage. The way Richard pulled out her chair. All the promise she saw in his eyes.
“I am so sorry, Sally. I should have told you a long time ago.”
“That’s right!” she cried, as in Ah ha! I’ve got you now! “Why wait for tonight?”
“I don’t have a good answer for that.”
Richard must be truly dangerous for him to lie to her like this. He must have done something so terrible that the pastor and her mother would lie to make Sally think she wasn’t related to him. Maybe he was a murderer. Or on the lam. What else could explain this?
Unless it was true.
But that would mean that there was no one pining away for her from afar, wondering what she looked like, hoping she got good grades. Missing her. It would mean that the person who was supposed to love her more than anyone in the world was there all along doing….nothing. Choosing every day to ignore her.
The pastor spoke gently. “What I can tell you is that I care about you. Very much.”
She put her hands over her ears. “Shut up! Just shut up!”
“Sally, sshh! Do you want the whole church to hear you? Let me get your mother.”
She ducked away from him. She had to go! Out, anywhere, away from this crushing sense of doom. But before she could escape, there was a thud and Richard stumbled through the door.
“There you are,” he said.
She stopped, seeing him with new eyes—a beaten-down, disheveled, loudmouth mess with a flask in his pocket who, face it, was not what she had hoped. He was a stranger. She didn’t know what to do.
Richard put his hands on his hips. “What’s the problem here?”
“Get her mother. She’s in the kitchen,” Pastor Voss said.
“You get her.”
Pastor Voss reached for her again. “Sally, please. Let’s not do or say anything until your mother is here.”
Richard took a couple of threatening steps. “Voss…”
Sally felt a fury rising in her. “Why did you leave us? Why? None of this would be happening if you weren’t such a loser!”
He stopped. “What the hell brought this on?”
She wiped her hand across her face. There were tears on her cheek. “Is it true? What he told me?”
Richard looked confused. “Would someone tell me what the fuck is going on?”
Sally pointed at Pastor Voss. “He says he’s my father.” Her breath was locked in her chest along with the small hope that Richard was about to clear all this up. But she could see the possibility pulsing in his temple.
“I am her biological father,” Pastor Voss said quietly.
Richard swayed on his feet. He looked dazed. Drunk. He looked drunk.
“You’re nuts.”
“It can’t be a surprise to you,” the pastor said. “You had to know.”
“Know what?”
“While you were gone, in ‘52, Prudy and I were involved.”
Richard’s face twisted. “You were screwing my wife? If I’d known, buddy, you wouldn’t be standing here.”
A voice from the doorway. “Let’s all calm down here.” There stood Prudy, her face pale and puffy, her arms rigid by her sides. Sally saw her and knew. She asked anyway.
“Is it true?”
“Did this piece of shit knock you up?” Richard said.
“It was a difficult time for Prudy,” said the pastor. He seemed bolder, now that Prudy was there. “You were drinking a lot.”
Prudy came into the room, shutting the door behind her. “I went to the pastor for help. We never planned—”
“I oughta bust your face!” Richard yelled, and Sally couldn’t tell if he meant the pastor or Prudy.
“Immature prick,” said the pastor, his voice thick with disgust. “You’ll never change.”
Richard smiled. “Spoken like a true man of God.” With that he lunged and tried to get a headlock on the pastor, but Voss was too quick for him. He sidestepped Richard and then gave him a shove, sending him to the floor.
Richard rolled over and just laid there, flat on the floor, panting. “Jesus Prudy, how could you do it?”
Prudy flared. “At least I could remember his name afterward!”
“You think fucking a whore is worse than fucking a preacher?”
“Stop it!” Sally cried.
The pastor stood over Richard breathing hard. The two of them looked at each other for a moment, then Voss reached out a hand and Richard let himself be pulled up.
Once he was on his feet, Richard said, “How do you know Sally is his, anyway?”
Prudy pointed. “Just look at her.”
Everyone stared at her as if she had some indelible mark
on her skin.
Richard rolled his shoulders a few times and rubbed his face.
“Christ, I thought we were having a good time here.”
Prudy had her hands pressed to her face. “Sally? Say something.”
Sally was having trouble breathing. If only everything would go back to normal. Only what was normal? She’d never been normal. Never been wanted. Or loved.
“I don’t care what the truth is,” she said. “I don’t want any of you.” She pushed past them and ran out the door.
Sally flew down the stairs, wanting only to be alone. She ducked into Lenny’s tiny room. Where was he? She felt a sudden, fierce kinship with him that made her swallow hard. Her half brother! But he’d always been on her side.
She heard heavy, uneven steps in the stairwell, then loud breathing in the hallway as someone passed by. Her dad. No. Richard. She didn’t know what to call him. And she didn’t know whether to let him go or stop him. If he was looking for her, people would start to talk. She wished he would just leave.
Suddenly a loud screech pierced the air. Feedback from the microphone. Oh God! It was Richard, trying to say something to the crowd. Sally rushed into the main room to stop him but it was too late.
“Excuse me, listen up folks!” Richard said, tapping the microphone. “I’ve got a little news about your dear pastor, the Reverend Phillip Peckerwood Voss.” He was enunciating every word carefully. “Turns out he’s fathered a bastard child. That’s right, my dear Sally, right over there…” The room went deadly quiet. Every eye was on her like a pushpin holding her in place. “…who I thought was my own, is actually a result of your pastor having an affair with my wife.”
Someone yelled from the back. “He’s drunk!”
“Yes, I am,” he said, slurring. “But I speak the truth. And she is still my wife.”
Pastor Voss and Prudy appeared next to Sally.
“You are still my wife, Prudy!” Richard yelled.
The pastor walked slowly toward him. “That’s enough,” he said quietly.
Hello Loved Ones Page 22