“Hey Sally! How ya doing?” Uh-oh. Too late. Super nerd Marvin Hoekema was waving at her, wearing a dopey grin, his tongue hanging half out. The boys with him jostled each other and laughed. Freak. Probably he’d heard about Richard being a drunk and was thinking Sally could get him to buy beer for them. That’s what a pea brain he was. Or maybe he knew about what happened with Cash and wanted to get in line. Jesus Christ. Strike me dead right now. She considered sticking a finger in one of the electrical outlets. Could she electrocute herself or did you have to be two years old for that to work?
She glared and muttered, “Shove it, Marvin,” as she hurried to her locker. She would sooner die than let any of these cretins see her cry. She was fumbling with the lock when Frannie came over and put a gentle hand on her shoulder.
“Don’t mind them,” she said. “Don’t mind anyone today.”
So they were talking about her. “It’s not even first bell,” Sally moaned.
“Just remember, you’re still the same person, no matter who your dad is.”
The same? Every single thing about her was changed!
“How can you say such a thing?” Sally asked.
Frannie smiled. “You’re still my best friend.”
Frannie didn’t know anything. What would she think if she knew what Sally had done with Cash? Would she still be her friend?
“I don’t need you feeling sorry for me,” Sally snapped.
“I don’t. I mean, of course I do, but…”
She’d hurt her feelings. And Frannie was practically all she had. Unless.
She could see Debs and Patty Ann floating down the hallway, with their matching book bags and soft angora sweaters. Why couldn’t Sally be cool too? Why couldn’t she be part of that crowd, strutting around with Debs and Patty Ann, wearing that grownup aura of sex like a brooch on her blouse? So what if her Big Moment hadn’t happened the way she would have wanted? She’d been with a boy! The first time was over and it could only get better. Now that she’d graduated into womanhood, maybe she ought to stop playing with little girls.
Sally slammed her locker. “Why didn’t you come after me? Where were you?”
Frannie looked confused. “I tried to find you. My dad and I went out the basement door. We practically ran to your house! And I tried calling all day yesterday! Why didn’t you answer the phone?”
“You just don’t get it, do you?” Sally said. She couldn’t leave her room. Then she would have had to face her mother, and she wasn’t speaking to her mother again for as long as she lived. It wasn’t so much her sleeping with Pastor Voss, though that was nauseating enough. It was all the times her mother had listened to Sally talk about her dad, knowing how desperately she wanted to find him. Just to sit there silently, what kind of a person did that?
“So where were you?” Frannie asked.
Sally let her eyes slide sideways at her friend. “You won’t believe it.”
“Go ahead.” Frannie was waiting, her lips parted expectantly. What an innocent! If Sally were really to tell her, what would she do? Freak out, that’s for sure. And then would come The Look. The same look Nell had given her when she’d come dragging in in the middle of the night. Actually, Frannie was just like Nell. They were practically interchangeable! How had she not noticed before? I’m glad I’m not like them, she thought, and for the first time since Saturday night the cloud of shame parted just enough to allow a glimmer of something else. A sort of wisdom. I’m a woman now. Right or wrong, I’m a step ahead.
“Okay,” she said slowly. “I found Cash at the gas station and I went to his house with him.”
She heard a smugness in her voice that she didn’t altogether feel. Sure, it might sound cool to Debs and Patty Ann, but not to Frannie. Well, tough. Cash was part of her life now. Frannie could learn to like him, or find another friend. She tried to picture all of them hanging out together. What would they talk about? Hey, I did five oil changes today, Cash would say while he rolled a cigarette out of his sleeve and tamped it down on his hand. And Frannie would say I spent the day reading Nostradamus and the book of Revelations so I can compare/contrast them for my college admissions essay. Because, face it, Frannie had no idea how to be cool.
“You went where?” Frannie squealed. Her wide-eyed amazement was so annoying. And the way her jaw dropped! If she was so scandalized by that, how could Sally ever hope to tell her the whole truth?
“Catch a fly in your mouth,” Sally said irritably.
Frannie closed her mouth, but kept staring, waiting for more.
“I sat in his garage for a while and then walked home at about 3 am.”
“You hardly know this guy!” Frannie was practically sputtering.
“Oh Frannie!” How could she tell her that she did know him. In the biblical sense. I have known a man, she thought, and the unlikeliness of it, the downright absurdity, made her swallow hard. She felt crawly. Scratchy all over, like the time she got hives from eating too many strawberries.
“So what happened? He didn’t even drive you home?”
“God, you sound like my mother!”
“It’s a perfectly reasonable question.”
“Everything you ever say is perfectly reasonable. You know that?”
“Why are you mad at me?” Frannie asked. “I just wanted to know if you were okay. If you don’t want to talk about it…”
But she did! She just didn’t know how. How do you explain letting yourself be used by a boy who never even said I love you? She slumped against her locker. What had she done? What kind of a person was she? For that matter, who was she?
“For your information, Cash is my boyfriend now,” she said, but it came out wrong. She sounded sullen and not at all victorious.
“You like him?”
Frannie was so juvenile, like an immature twelve year old. Like him! It wasn’t a matter of liking him. She belonged to him now.
“Yes and he likes me. He made that very clear.”
“How?” Frannie asked, her eyes narrowing.
“He offered me a friendship bracelet, what do you think?”
Frannie recoiled. “You didn’t…?”
She ought to just say it and get it over with. Then Frannie could hate her and she could really be free. Free to be with Cash. The two of them could drop out and leave town. Instead, she shrugged.
“You could be happy for me. I found someone. And I really need him right now. I don’t even care who my dad is. Not as long as I have Cash.”
Frannie hesitated. She had her arms crossed and wore a prickly, wounded look. “Just be careful.”
Be careful. It was a little late for that, wasn’t it? Where was Frannie when Sally made the decision to send that stupid letter? Off on vacation with her perfect fucking family. Good morning Dad. I love you! Have a nice day sweetie. I love you! Sweet dreams dear. I love you! Where was she when Sally ran from the banquet into Cash’s car? Was she really looking for her? Or was she still gaping in the church, secretly thrilled by the drama?
“I’ve got to get to class,” Sally said. But she didn’t go toward her English class. She headed for the stairs at the opposite end of the hall, where she had seen Debs and Patty Ann disappear. If she hurried, she just might catch them.
This pining away for a boy was for the birds. It had been a week and Sally wasn’t about to take another minute of it. After school she headed straight for the Texaco station, just to see if Cash was there. Maybe she would act like she happened to be walking by. If he was out at the pump she’d wave casually. Oh hey! Nice to see you. As if she had forgotten all about him. As if she hadn’t spend every moment thinking of him and building him up to be more than he was.
She walked up the street with her back straight and her eyes glued on the Texaco sign. When she was a half block away she let herself look. The lot was empty. She checked both directions. No cars anywhere. So he wouldn’t be coming out. She’d have to walk by or go in. Okay then. She was no shrinking violet. If he thought he’d never hav
e to face her again, he was dead wrong. She crossed the lot and when she got close enough she could see someone inside. She took a deep breath and pushed open the door. The bell tinkled and the person turned.
It wasn’t Cash.
“Dad?” The word just popped out. Her face burned as Richard started to smile.
“What are you doing here?” she stammered. How could she call him that? Now that she knew the truth, how could she let that slip out?
“Working.” He swept his arm out proudly, like he owned the place. He was wearing a faded blue shirt with his name sewn on the chest.
“But…” Why was he still around? Was he trying to torment her? Had he forgotten the way he humiliated himself, and all of them, in front of the whole church? And where was Cash?
“Just temporarily,” he said. “Until something better comes along. I’ve got some irons in the fire.”
“What? Why here?” It was ridiculous, but she was stuck on that shirt. Had he worked in a gas station before? Or did he get lucky and find one in a thrift store that happened to have his name sewn on it?
“This way I can keep an eye on the church, in case Voss decides to come back.”
Sally squinted. “What do you mean, come back?”
“Voss cleared outta here just like he cleared outta Petosky and Blissfield.” He raised his eyebrows and nodded. Like he was gloating.
“He’s gone? For good?”
“Yep.” He pushed a box toward her. “You want a donut? I got a cruller and a long john.”
She stepped back, feeling dizzy. How could a pastor walk away from his church? Didn’t he have an obligation to stay?
He’s walking away from me!
It shouldn’t shock her. Or hurt either. Not after everything that had happened. But why did he tell her the truth if he was going to leave?
“It’s your fault!” she cried. “Announcing it to everyone like that. That’s why he left.”
Richard looked surprised. “Are you sorry he’s gone?”
She hesitated. “I don’t know.” She thought Pastor Voss had been offering himself to her, for forgiveness. As a beginning to something. That she’d be the one to say, leave me alone, I never want to see you again. If he was gone she would never get the satisfaction.
Richard laughed. “Stop gaping, for chrissake. I could have told you he’d go.”
She tried to force a smile. Because she hated Pastor Voss. She did! She was relieved that she wouldn’t have to see him again.
Still. She couldn’t believe it. He was so ashamed of what he did, so ashamed of her, that he left without saying anything. He couldn’t accept her. Not in public, at least. He wanted her to know the truth, but let the church find out and he slinks away like a dog in the night.
She watched Richard shove a cruller into his mouth and perch one hip on the stool, all smug and cock sure. Oblivious to her turmoil, as if all fathers were interchangeable and disposable and family dramas were only to be laughed at.
If only she could have that attitude. Because this was so close to what she’d imagined, with Richard back in her life, working with her new boyfriend, no less! It was more than she ever hoped for. Except Richard wasn’t her dad. And right now he was standing in the way of her plans to talk to Cash.
Where was Cash?
“He’s not here,” Richard said.
“Who?” she said, embarrassed. Here he was with that mind-reader routine again!
“Loverboy. He went to the bank with the deposit. He’ll be right back.”
Loverboy? Oh God. What had Cash told him?
He got off the stool and pushed it toward her. “Sit down.”
She didn’t move. Was she in for a lecture now? Was he going to start in with the importance of virtue?
“I know you’re used to hearing this, but you’re better off without him.”
She swallowed. “Did he say something?”
Richard paused. “I’m talking about Voss! You’re better off without Voss.”
Sally was relieved. Then angry.
“Are you in some kind of father’s club or something? Is that what they tell you at your membership meetings, so you don’t feel like shit when you desert your kids?”
Richard was nodding, as if, yes, she was exactly right.
“I know this is all my fault,” he said. “I wish I’d stayed around for a lot of reasons, most of all so old peckerwood wouldn’t have gotten near your mother. But then, you wouldn’t be here. Ever think of that?”
“I’m not stupid,” she said.
He wiped his mouth and hands and leaned toward her. “So hey. Here’s what I was thinking. See, you are here, and that’s a good thing. And you and I have spent 16 years thinking we’re related.”
She scowled. “I can’t see how you’ve given it much thought.”
“There were times when I didn’t, that’s true. But there were times when I did.”
She hid her surprise. “That must have been a tortuous five minutes for you.”
“Would you shut up? I’m trying to tell you how it was for me.”
“So go ahead.” Her shrug said she couldn’t care less. Inside was a voice shouting tell me! Tell me!
“Now I don’t feel like it. Dang, you got a mouth on you! I thought Lenny was bad. How did you kids get so mouthy? If I’d been around there wouldn’t be this kind of smart-assing from you all.”
He sighed and rubbed his hand over his face. He was looking over her shoulder like he’d forgotten she was there. He’s tired of me. All the charm, the pretending to care, he can’t keep it up. It’s been nothing but a game and now the fun is over.
If he was bored with her, Cash would be too. She ought to go.
“Here he comes,” he said, and Sally turned to see Cash in the distance, still a good block away. She considered walking out to meet him. She didn’t want Richard listening to what she had to say.
What was she going to say?
She moved toward the door but Richard spoke. “All those years, when I saw you kids, I wouldn’t feel good about myself. It was nothing to do with you all. You’re probably the best kind of people. But seeing you, all it did was remind me that I’m… well, I’m different. I don’t measure up to you all. I wish I did, but there you go.”
She turned. This sounded rehearsed. She imagined him practicing this. Maybe even writing it out. Still, she was touched. She wondered if Pastor Voss would ever talk to her like this. Was he holed up in some cheap hotel preparing a speech for her? It seemed unlikely. He was gone. But Richard was here.
Why couldn’t Richard be her dad?
“So what are you doing here?” she asked. “Why don’t you go back to Kalamazoo?
“Like I was saying, sixteen years is a long time to hold a certain belief. You know. It’s your whole damn life. And I don’t see any reason to twist around my way of thinking.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means never mind Voss. As far as I’m concerned, nothing’s changed.”
“But everyone knows you’re not my dad! Remember, you told the whole church. Why’d you have to do that?”
“Aw, fuck ‘em. Who cares?”
“But you ruined everything!” She looked out the window at Cash. “Maybe if it could have been our secret…”
“Listen, you do what you want. I tell you I’m sticking around, and I hope that I can get to know you a little better. You and Lenny and Nell.”
“You want me to just pretend you’re my dad?”
Richard shrugged. “What’s it gonna hurt?”
Only everything! Because now she desperately wanted it to be true, just like she wanted Cash to be happy to see her.
He was pushing through the door. “Hey,” he said. No smile. Just those narrow shoulders and narrow hips that crowded out everything else in the room. Had she really been skin to skin with what was under those jeans?
“Hey yourself.”
“Cash here is a nice kid,” Richard said. “A real pleasure to wo
rk with.”
Cash ducked his head, embarrassed. There was a long pause, then the bell behind the counter dinged loudly.
“Customer,” Cash said.
Richard saluted aye, aye, sir! and left, leaving her face to face with Cash. Just the two of them, alone. She didn’t know how to begin. Have you thought about me? Do you still like me? Why haven’t you called?
He glanced at her. “Your dad—Sorry. Richard.”
“It’s okay,” she said eagerly, thankful he was starting.
“He’s pretty cool, actually. Not uptight at all.”
“I’m glad to hear you’ve been having fun.” She felt the sting of tears again and turned away quickly.
“I wouldn’t exactly say fun…” he trailed off. She waited but it seemed he had nothing more to say. He was staring at a spot on the floor.
“So about the other night…” She faltered. I’ll sleep with you again and I’ll do better! She’d do it! She would. If only he’d like her. She opened her mouth but he stopped her with an elaborate roll of one shoulder.
“I better get back to work.”
“Yeah sure.” She was certain humiliation showed on her face, but he wasn’t looking anyway. There was a heavy, awkward pause. She couldn’t bear to leave things this way, so strange and forced. Not knowing if he hated her. Or maybe he thought she hated him. Maybe he was afraid too.
“Wanna go to the beach some time?” she blurted.
He made a face. “It’s getting sort of cold now.”
“It’s not bad.” She heard the plea in her voice. Did he hear it too?
“I’ll give you a call,” he said, managing another quick glance at her before disappearing into the garage. She heard him clanking some cans together as she stumbled out. Richard waved at her and she waved back, barely seeing him. She forgot to ask Cash about the shoes. Now what would she tell her Aunt Flookie? I lost your white pumps.
Oh Sally! she’d say. It’s so embarrassing to be related to you! How do you expect me to love you when you can’t do anything right?
Hello Loved Ones Page 26