But Sally’s baby. That did stop her. She took a deep breath, trying to stem the tide of doubt. Carefully, she perched on the edge of the chair across from him in what she hoped was an attractive posture.
“Tell me a little about yourself,” she said.
He talked easily about his parents, who lived in a trailer park in Allegan, and his younger brother, who was in the Army, stationed in Germany, and for a moment Nell was lulled into thinking she was in a normal situation. Just an ordinary girl! But putting off the inevitable wouldn’t make it any easier.
“So…Gizzy. How do you feel about marriage?” As if it had anything to do with their conversation.
“Marriage?” His eyes narrowed. He seemed to be giving her question some serious thought. “Marriage is good.”
“Do you plan to get married?”
“Ah, well. That all depends.”
She felt the sweat pop out on her forehead and tried to casually wipe it with the back of her hand.
“On what?” she asked.
He smiled. “I guess on whether someone would have me.”
It was so simple, when it was put that way.
She looked out the window, down the street to where the streetlight blinked yellow. Caution. Curve ahead. She took a deep breath and quietly said, “I’d have you.”
She heard the sound his mouth made as it opened. She didn’t dare look at him. “Gosh,” he said, “That’s nice of you.”
She felt lightheaded. No going back now. “Would you want to marry me?”
There was a long pause. “Is this hypothetical?” he said.
She looked at him and tried to make her voice light. “Just pretend I’m serious.”
He laughed awkwardly, then fell silent. “You’re taking me by surprise here,” he said slowly.
This was it. She could either go all soft and make a complete fool of herself, or stick to her plan. She stood up.
“Look, here’s the deal. We’ve known each other for years.” (She would never tell him she hadn’t known his real name!) “I like the way you...” Oh, this was tough. “...are. So punctual. Always cheerful. You’re an excellent mail carrier. And you have nice eyes,” she added.
“Thank you,” he mumbled.
“And I don’t see the point of all that lovey-dovey crap, if you’ll pardon my expression.” She put her hands on her hips to punctuate her point.
He leaned forward carefully and rested his elbows on his knees.
“Well,” he said finally. “You make the best lemonade on my whole route, and your flowers are very well cared for. And,” he shrugged sheepishly, “I like the way you laugh.”
Laugh? When did she ever laugh? The idea that he might see her as cheerful (watch out Daisy!) stunned and delighted her. She didn’t know what to say.
“So how about we go out somewhere?” he said. “Maybe grab some dinner?”
A date! She knew it was absurd now, after what she’d said, but she’d always wanted to go on a date.
“Ok, sure.”
“Tonight? I can’t drive, but if you don‘t mind walking over, we can go to that little joint across the street.”
It was her turn to nod stupidly. She pointed at the door.
“So I guess I’ll go now.”
He struggled to get up. She rushed over to take his arm and with a jolt realized she was touching him! He smiled and put his hand over hers.
“I’m really glad you stopped by,” he said.
“Me too.”
She handed him his crutches and he hobbled beside her to the front door. They said goodbye and she looked up to see him still looking at her. Like he was really seeing her. It was just like the moment on her porch with her father, as if she’d stepped through a door, into herself. Come on in. I’ve been waiting for you. What was happening, that she was suddenly a presence? She floated down the stairs. Not exactly carefree, but possibly as close as she’d ever come.
“Hey, Nell,” he called.
She turned.
“Do you want kids?”
She did laugh then. A beautiful, tinkling sound that only comes when God has tapped you on the shoulder, singling you out. As if to say you did it! I always knew you could.
When the time finally came to talk to Sally, it was not the heart-hammering, how-do-I-begin? moment Nell had imagined. Instead, she ran into her sister in the hallway as Sally was coming out of the bathroom. Instinctively, Nell threw her arms around her and hugged her roughly, with all the finesse she’d shown in Pastor Voss’ office. Sally stiffened, and no wonder. Nell was realizing what an unaffectionate person she was. She resolved to change. In the meantime, she pulled away and studied her hands.
“Sally, we have to talk.”
Sally crossed her arms. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
“Have you thought about adoption?” Nell said bluntly. No finesse here either.
Sally sighed and walked away. Nell followed her into the kitchen.
“Well?”
“I couldn’t live with that,” Sally said, shaking her head angrily. “Knowing some stranger out there has my kid.”
Exasperation flared in Nell. So soon! She tried to keep her voice even.
“But you can live with abortion.”
“I just want it to be over.” Sally opened the refrigerator and peered inside. “I’m starving.”
Nell waited while Sally opened a carton of cottage cheese, sniffed it, and put it back.
“There are places you can go, to have the baby,” she said. “You don’t have to stay here.”
“And miss a whole year of school? People aren’t dumb. They would figure it out.”
“That doesn’t matter.”
“Easy for you to say!”
“Actually, it’s not.”
Sally gave up foraging and slammed the refrigerator door.
“It’s happening to me. It’s my decision.”
Nell sat down at the table, hoping to hide her irritation. This was not the way a person acted when she’s done something wrong. Sally ought to show remorse. Humble herself! Nell had had to do it with Sergeant Van Zandt, head hung low, murmuring I’m sorry about twenty times. Was it easy? No. But she wouldn’t dream of being belligerent.
“I’d take the baby,” she said. “If you wanted to have it.”
Nell could see she’d thrown her for a loop, though Sally answered casually.
“What would you do with a baby?”
“Take care of it, what else?”
“Nell, really! Then both of us would be ruined. I’d be the slut, you’d never be able to go to school, or have a job. Everyone would look down their noses at us!”
“They already do.”
“So why make it worse?”
Nell stood, too agitated to be still. “Sally, I’ve thought this through! You could go away for a while. And, well, I might get married. People would think the baby was mine.”
Sally scoffed. “Who’s going to marry you?”
This was no time to feel hurt. Anyway, it was a good question.
Nell shrugged. “I sort of asked Gizzy.”
Now Sally looked shocked. “Gizzy? The mailman?”
Nell nodded, wishing she could enthuse about her upcoming date. Wouldn’t she have liked to share this landmark with her only sister! Cheated again!
“What did he say?”
“He said he wants children.” Nell spread her hands out, as if to say see? See how this is meant to be?
“Children of his own, not someone else’s.”
“Don’t you think I’d be a good mother?”
“It’s not you. The kid’s whole life would be a lie, just like mine. I can’t do that.” Sally crossed her arms again. Everything about the way she stood, the look on her face, said leave me alone. Nell wanted to scream. That’s right! Open up to a near stranger, bare yourself! But shut the door on a sister who only wants to talk!
“Sally, please. It could work!”
“I want to go to Hope College. Fra
nnie’s dad is going to get me in.”
“You could still do that. Just later.”
Sally gave a harsh little laugh. “Come on, Nell. You don’t want me to go to college. Just because you haven’t gone, you want to ruin it for me.”
Nell had to bite her tongue. She ruined it! Was she in the backseat of a car panting like an animal with a low-life mechanic?
“It’s not about that.”
“Then what is it? You love Gizzy?”
“You’re so immature!” Nell snapped. “You think love is such a big deal?”
Sally gave her a wide-eyed stare. “Yeah.”
“That just shows how childish you are. Anyway, why wouldn’t I love him? What’s wrong with him?”
“Nothing. Except a broken leg.”
Nell’s hand slammed the table. “Exactly! And whose fault is that?
“He was in an accident.”
“Like I said, you’re so childish.”
There was a pause while Sally looked at her. Then, in a low, suggestive voice, she said, “In some ways I’m older than you. In fact, in one very big way.”
Nell jumped up. “Anyone can do what you did,” she cried. “The hard part is what comes after.” She thumped her chest. “I’m willing to do the hard part.”
“What about my hard part? I’d have to deliver it! Then just hand it off. What if I can’t do it?”
They were shouting at each other. Just what Nell didn’t want. She thought of the list she’d worked on so carefully: How to Convince Sally. Number one was stay calm. What a waste of time that wretched diary was!
She took a deep breath. “You can do it.” she said, more quietly. “Please think about it.”
Sally grew quiet too. At last she heaved a sigh, as if she were giving up. It made Nell freeze, expectant.
“I’m going to Grand Rapids,” Sally said, her gaze level and sure. “It’s for the best. You’ll see.”
She walked out and Nell didn’t try to stop her. She felt as if someone had thrown a blanket over her. A quilt, maybe, each square representing the work she’d willed herself into taking on. Gizzy’s filthy house. His ill-concealed burps. Her fear and fascination surrounding sex. The bedtime stories she was planning to read to Mandy. Little acts of civic duty to impress the local police. The salvation of her sister. Raising a child. The temptation to hide, to take cover and ignore all of it, was suddenly too strong. She was giving up.
Lenny
Lenny was not a team player. That’s why none of the scouts wanted him. How they spotted it, he didn’t know. He’d never known how people marked him with just a glance.
Anyway, the way he figured, whatever it was that marked him meant that leaving town was a waste of time. Ever since that day in the bleachers with his dad, he’d known he wasn’t going anywhere. And when Sally told him her doctor visit was going to cost three hundred dollars, well, his old plans were a train leaving the station.
He pulled a sock out of the small chest of drawers that was in his basement room and took out the roll of bills he had hidden inside. Two hundred twenty seven dollars. Six months of working at the marina. He threw all his clothes into a duffel bag, tied a clean bandana on his head, grabbed his Slugger, and pulled the door shut behind him.
It didn’t take long to walk home. He was a little unsure about where to put his things. Should he reclaim his room? Or crash on the couch? The fact that he hesitated bothered him. He no longer knew what to do. He was stepping into the outfield here, with no choice but to wait and see what would come his way.
Once the money was put in an envelope and left on Sally’s bed, he picked up his bat and walked aimlessly back toward the church. He sat on the front steps, across from the Texaco, and studied the sky. It was a brilliant blue day, breezy, with cotton ball clouds tumbling over one another.
He waited. And thought.
Here’s the thing about baseball: it can drag on for hours. Ho hum. Death by boredom. Then comes the crack of the bat. Physics in motion. Some molecular magic sends the ball deep to center field, but someone bobbles it and the second baseman misses the relay throw. Do you turn on the guy because of one error? Do you tear up his trading card? Even if you’re not the greatest team player, you know enough to stick with him. You join the crowd as it roars and comes alive, and who knows? Maybe it’s only that sudden energy, the perked up shoulders and stamping feet, that leads to bases loaded in less than five minutes. Who’s to say what brings about the change? The point is, you can’t ever give up. The optimism is there all along.
Sally
How many hundreds of girls had sat in a car beside their fathers to be driven to a football game, or sleepover, or dance class? How many of those girls had rolled their eyes over the same tired exchange: Drop me here. Not too close.
Give me a kiss, hon.
Dad, please!
Little pieces of father-daughter speak that Sally would never know. The same way she could never know that her first time catching a ride with her father would be this—going to an abortion. The worst part was that she was dressed like she was going to prom, in a starchy, purpley-pink dress.
“You look nice,” Pastor Voss said after she’d settled herself awkwardly, her skirt balled carelessly in one hand so she could shut the door.
She scowled at him. He couldn’t bother to shave? She thought of Richard and the night of the banquet. At least he had cleaned himself up.
He must have read her look. “Sorry. I’ve been living out of a suitcase.”
Deliberately, she turned her face from him and watched the row of wood A-frame houses sliding away, not wanting to hear anything about where he’d gone or how he was living. When she first heard the news that he had left town, it was like a little trap door in her closing and blocking off a route that, given time, she might have considered taking. But now that she was sitting beside him, she felt only a curious flatness.
“How long until we’re there?” she asked, and even her voice was flat.
He puffed out his cheeks and exhaled loudly. “Psshew. About thirty-five minutes, I’d say.”
She waited to see what else he’d say. He remained silent and she tried to fix her mind elsewhere. There was the parking lot of Charlie’s Market, where an old woman struggled in vain to unstick two shopping carts, and a scrappy-looking kid hopped on one foot, holding something smooth and brown in his baseball cap.
You never knew about people. Still, she felt certain that he didn’t like her much. She considered asking him about it, but he’d only lie. I like you. I ... well, I love you, of course. Then she’d feel worse. This is love?
She thought again of Richard. It bothered her that she kept wondering things like, where was he right now? Would Lenny tell him where Sally was going, and why? Would she ever tell him herself? Or, for that matter, would she ever see him again? And the most disturbing of all: why did she care? Why was she wasting time feeling mushy over someone who didn’t belong to her?
Whistle, whoosh was the sound of Voss’ breathing. Sally found it odd and unpleasant and it made her cringe. Richard would be chatty, at least. For all his bluster, his hooks and barbs would be just the thing to pin down this empty, floaty feeling that had descended over her recently.
It must be the pregnancy. One moment nodding off, eyelids made of lead. The next swallowing hard against a rolling, churning storm in her stomach. She preferred the relative peace of this flatland. In this state, when she thought of the fetus inside her sapping away her life force, leaving her a useless, hollow shell, she wasn’t overcome with fright. Besides, the nothingness ought to be familiar. She’d been seeing it for years in Pastor Voss’ face when he looked at her. She’d heard it in Richard’s voice when he announced to the world that she was a bastard child. She was nothing to them. And now, she was nothing at all but a receptacle for some errant, poisonous seed. The sooner she could have it extracted, the sooner she’d return to herself.
“Why couldn’t my mom come?” she asked in a thick voice. Her mouth
was dry and tasted of bile.
He let out a heavy sigh. “This is tough on her.”
Sally smiled weakly and shook her head.
“It’s complicated,” he added.
“If she thinks you and I are going to make up for lost time or something stupid like that…”
“Honestly, I don’t know what she thinks.” She heard the edge in his voice and studied him a moment. No. There would be no making up. She may as well ask.
“Why are you doing this?”
He seemed to think. “You deserve a chance.”
“Why?”
This made him move uncomfortably in his seat and make a sound as if he would speak. She practically leaned toward him. Nothing. Again she was amazed that a man who delivered sermons every week could be so tongue-tied. He really knows nothing about me! She didn’t know why, but this scared her. The floaty feeling intensified. With it came a disturbing darkness around the edges of her sight, as if she were a horse wearing blinders to keep from being spooked. She focused on the grainy vinyl of the dashboard. I’m okay. It’ll be over soon.
But would it? She had set out to find her dad, to find a missing piece of herself. Instead, she felt parsed out, divided into too many pieces. There was the old Sally, unwilling to take her dear Uncle Ollie to the banquet, insisting on having everything just so, no matter what. There was the part or her that loved her sister and her brother and knew that the risks they’d taken for her required a courage that was at least equal to her own. And the part that hated them for it. And then the new Sally, who, whether she liked it or not, belonged to this sweating, sighing lump beside her.
How she longed to be anywhere but here! In another time, worlds away, she might be at Frannie’s house, with Frannie’s mother and father and nine-year-old brother Justin. They’d be pulling boxes of Chef Boy-ar-Dee mix from the cupboard, preparing for the Valkema Friday night ritual of pizza, Pepsi, and, for the grown-ups, a game of Rook. The Dorns would come, from down the street, or Mr. and Mrs. De Vriendt from church, and Sally, suddenly shy before these social, smiling creatures, would help Frannie fill their plastic tumblers with ice cubes and set soda cans beside each plate. Until they were eight years old, Frannie and Sally spent these evenings playing Barbie dolls, absorbing themselves in the minutia of Barbie’s world: Barbie would never wear heels to a garden party! Well, she’d never accept another date with Ken either, after seeing him with Skipper! These nights, Sally felt safe in the bubble of childhood, buoyed by the presence of capable, God-like adults.
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