It continued as the cab arrived, as they rode back to the lot and then drove back to the house. When they crossed from the light pollution of downtown Bellevue—business signs, cars’ headlights, eternally lit windows—to the comparative darkness of the neighborhood with only soft orange streetlights, the darkness seemed oppressive to Felicia rather than freeing as it usually did.
When they pulled into the driveway, Silver was sitting on the front step. Her white hair shone under the porch light, and her fingers drifted above the concrete beside her, like she was petting something Felicia couldn’t see. It was far from the craziest Felicia had seen her act, and tonight she almost could imagine a tangle of shadows hulking there.
Felicia didn’t want to talk to anyone right now, not when she had Enrique’s leverage tightening around her like a leg trap and a headache pounding behind her eyes, but she especially didn’t want to see Silver. She hadn’t meant to give Enrique her weaknesses. She’d been just talking. While drunk and stupid. Very, very stupid.
“See you tomorrow,” Enrique said brightly as he got out of the car.
Felicia shoved her door open and growled wordlessly in response. She waited until Enrique had collected his bag and headed off into the night before turning to the house to go in and sleep it off in wolf. She felt too Lady-damned sick to deal with any of this right now. Lady grant things would be better in the morning. Please.
* * *
Death stood and moved out of the way as Felicia walked carefully up to the den’s entrance. She stank of the stuff people drank to relax, or not be themselves for a while, though Silver knew few Were who bothered with it. Maybe with a wild self as well as a tame, it took twice as much to manage not to be them.
Silver’s eyes widened—Felicia’s wild self held its ears flat and had its tail tucked between its legs. Now under the drink, she smelled something that might have been fear. What had that young man said to her? What had he done? Silver shoved to her feet and went to her immediately. “What’s wrong?”
“Silver, don’t.” Felicia rubbed her temple as if her head pained her. “It’s nothing, okay? Everything’s fine. I showed the roamer the sights, he and Tom snarled at each other, and now I just want to sleep.”
“Roanoke,” Silver corrected her absently. She caught Felicia’s arm. Everything was not fine, a night-blind, nose-blind human could see that. “Tom was angry when he got back. But was it more than snarling? Did the roamer do something? Did he chase after you said no?” Silver couldn’t touch the lump in her pocket with her hand busy, but she knew her silver chain was there by the feeling against her hip. Felicia could defend herself, but Silver and this young man would still have words, if he had begun a chase Felicia didn’t invite. Silver metal would help make him listen.
“No!” That didn’t smell like a lie, at least. Felicia jerked her arm away and stood stiffer, more challenging. Had Silver imagined the fear earlier? Maybe it had been only guilty anticipation of her alpha’s reaction to disobedience. “It’s nothing you need to worry about,” Felicia said.
“I’m your alpha, and you have work to do. You can’t be out playing all night. And when Tom is carrying out my orders, you need to follow them.” That slipped out before Silver considered it properly, automatic in response to that challenging stance.
Felicia bowed her head just low enough to be respectful. “Roanoke. I’m sorry for not coming home on time.” She stomped into the den.
Silver swallowed a call after her and stood alone outside. Alone but for Death, of course. The distant roar of the humans’ rivers had faded for the night, but it never truly left this place, full of dens rather than trees. What did she do now? Would a mother follow Felicia, badger her until she broke down and admitted what had happened? Or would a mother treat Felicia as an adult and figure that if things had gone wrong and needed to be repaired with Tom or anyone else, the young woman could fix them herself?
“You forgot sitting back and letting it get so bad she breaks herself. A broken daughter cannot protest when you pick up the pieces.” Death tipped his muzzle up to look at the stars, broken pieces of the Lady’s first child, before she made the Were. “Though pieces cannot always be put back together.”
“Stop it,” Silver said without heat. Death knew her better than to think doing nothing would ever be an option for her. Even waiting was better than doing nothing, because it meant you had a plan ready for when the situation changed, as it inevitably did. Dare would do the right thing, but Dare wasn’t here, only her. And she wouldn’t do nothing, even if what she did was the wrong thing.
“Get to it, then,” Death said and jumped off the step to be about his nightly hunting. He did that while she slept, and Silver took that as a good suggestion. Time to sleep, and she would speak to Felicia again in the morning.
10
Felicia had never been in such pain in her life. She hadn’t thought it was so bad when she woke up, just a dull pounding inside her skull, but it didn’t end. She didn’t understand how something so dull and weak could become so terrible. It didn’t ease even for a few seconds. She’d been hurt, sometimes quite badly, roughhousing as a child, but that pain faded quickly with healing. She put her paws over her head and muzzle and tried not to think about what the pain was making her stomach do. Why couldn’t she just die and get it over with?
She couldn’t lie under her bed in misery forever, though. Felicia finally crawled out. When you were injured normally, you were supposed to eat and shift, so she supposed she should force herself to do those things in case they helped. She shifted back to human and pulled on yesterday’s underwear and jeans because Susan didn’t like it when they walked around nude, even in the house. She made it as far as a bra and decided she didn’t care about anything else.
Downstairs in the kitchen, she realized breakfast involved all kinds of work when you showed up after the main meal had already been cooked and cleared away. Despite her stomach’s protests, she thought food would help, but what food? Felicia collapsed in a chair at the kitchen table and put her palms over her eyes to block out the indirect sunlight sneaking through the windows. Thank the Lady the kitchen didn’t face east. Even seeing hurt.
“Here.” Someone set something in front of Felicia. Susan, by the voice and scent. Felicia reluctantly opened her eyes to find a glass of water and a couple brown pills. “I’m not surprised you guys don’t have any of your own in the house, and Lord knows I have to buy in bulk for cramps. Take those two, and I can give you more in four hours if you need them.”
Felicia stared at the pills, not comprehending. Medicine? She supposed that did make sense for pain, but what good would human medicine do for pain that could defeat Were healing? She gave Susan an incredulous look. The older woman wasn’t dressed as formally as she usually was for work, but she still looked self-assured, brown hair subtly and elegantly styled.
“You’re not at work?” Felicia wasn’t sure of the time, but she knew it was later than that.
“I’m taking a half day. Edmond has a preschool thing later this morning.” Susan turned Felicia’s palm over, put the pills in, and then directed her mercilessly through the process of swallowing them whole. Felicia did it, because that was easier than not doing it.
Susan nodded once and then sat down in the chair across from her. “Your first hangover, I take it. Your father explained the Were version to me at one point—the headache is caused by dehydration, and since you didn’t drink any water, your healing can’t do anything about it. Finish that.” She nudged the glass closer. “A couple more during breakfast, and you should be back to normal.”
Felicia glared balefully at Susan and decided that hearing for too long also hurt. She chugged the water and set the glass down with a clunk. Susan nodded approvingly and got her another. “Fun night?” she asked, not bothering to hide the amused irony in her voice. She sat again, chin on her hand. “Don’t get me wrong, you have my sympathies. I remember one real fucker of a hangover I had in college, freshman year
.”
Felicia eyed at Susan. “You don’t swear,” she protested, and then winced at herself. That sounded prey-stupid out loud. But it was true, she’d never even heard Susan use any human swear words before.
Susan laughed, the bright sound stabbing into the pain at Felicia’s temple. “I’m twenty-eight, puppy. Just because my impressionable young son is usually around doesn’t mean I’ve transformed into a prude.”
Felicia grumbled under her breath and started drinking the second glass of water with smaller swallows this time. She was sort of starting to feel better.
The concern in Susan’s face eased, and she petted Felicia’s hair reassuringly after filling the glass for a third time. “When you missed breakfast, Silver was worried about you, but I told her to let you sleep. I gather that roamer was trouble after all?”
The easing pain made room for the rest of Felicia’s problems to come crowding back in. She’d lied to protect Enrique, and now he had e-mails as well to prove to the others that she was on Madrid’s side, helping him to work against her alphas. If Felicia tried to tell her side of the story, say, to Susan right this minute, would anyone believe her?
She doubted it. Everyone had seen the way she’d welcomed Enrique, seen the way she was fighting with her father and Silver.
Susan was waiting for her reaction, so Felicia drew breath without really knowing what her words would be. “It was nothing. Just a wild night and now a hangover, apparently. And boys being boys. I wish Silver would let it go.”
Susan raised her eyebrows in an expression of extreme dubiousness. Felicia kept her expression blank. Susan couldn’t smell anything on her, and she refused to crack in any other way. Maybe no one would believe her, but that didn’t mean Enrique had her cornered before his shotgun. It just meant she’d have to deal with him alone. It didn’t matter that he’d been taking lessons from Madrid; he was alone here in North America, and she must be able to outsmart him somehow.
Felicia’s stomach growled, and she realized that while she’d been worrying, the last of her physical headache had seeped away. She pushed to her feet. She’d be able to think of a plan to thwart Enrique better if she wasn’t hungry. “I’m going to make bacon. Did you eat already?”
Susan snorted and gestured no thanks to the offer. “Oh, to be a Were,” she said, watching Felicia get out the pan and meat. Felicia supposed she was referring to how many strips she was squeezing into the pan. Susan never seemed to let herself eat much.
Felicia had expected Susan to go about her business, but the other woman stayed at the table, angled in her chair to watch Felicia cook. “I have a question for you,” Susan said when the initial sizzle of the bacon had died down. “I think the vocabulary is a little out of Silver’s realm. But it pertains to pack business, so I’ll need your word that you’ll keep whatever I say private.”
Felicia turned around to rest her hip against the counter, holding the spatula idly. There was supposed to be a spoon rest but someone had probably washed it recently and forgot to put it back. “Okay.” Susan waited, so apparently Felicia was supposed to be official about it. She pressed her thumb to her forehead. “My word on the Lady.”
“Do you know if Portland’s bi?”
Felicia waited for the rest of the question, but Susan didn’t add anything else to make that make sense. “Buying what?” Susan exhaled on a slight frustrated laugh and Felicia’s mind finally caught up with the human slang. “You mean bisexual?”
Susan nodded. “Attracted to both genders.”
“To play chase with, or settle as a mate with?” Felicia thought back to the times she’d met Portland. She certainly hadn’t heard about the woman having a mate since she was in North America. “I don’t think she’s the type to mate same, like Sacramento, if that’s what you mean.”
“Hm.” Susan frowned down at the table and tapped her fingers a couple times. “But is she the type to sleep with women normally? Play chase with, I mean. Not literally nap together.”
“Why wouldn’t she be?” Felicia felt like she was missing three-quarters of this conversation. Was that a human thing? “You’re not planning to claim that humans only play chase with people they think they might settle as mates with, are you? Even given how much stuff on TV is made up, I know that’s not right.”
“Some religions claim that’s what we should do,” Susan said with a low laugh, and then waved away the comment and Felicia’s further confusion. “But no, what I mean is that many people think of themselves as attracted to either the opposite gender, or the same gender, or both. And by attracted, I mean for anything. To fuck, or to settle down with. Either.”
Felicia rubbed her temple. Her headache might be gone, but humans were still weird. “But you can decide to play chase with someone for so many reasons. You might have a reason to have sex with all kinds of different people. That’s different from the specific kind of person you’d want to settle down with long term.” She found a paper towel, laid it on the counter, and started lifting the bacon strips onto it. Once the bacon cooled, she’d hold the towel in her hand so she didn’t have to get a plate dirty.
“Huh.” Susan thought about that for a while, and then stood to snag half a strip and eat it despite her earlier refusal of the offer. “So that’s how Were think about it.” She licked her fingers. “Have you ever played chase with a girl, then?”
“Back in Spain.” Felicia shrugged. Adela had been her first, because she’d wanted to try out sex with someone she’d have a better chance of understanding. Then she discovered that Adela had blabbed details of her clumsiness to all the other young people in the pack. There hadn’t been a second time, even when the teasing died down fairly quickly. She’d realized much later that the others had probably been sympathetic due to embarrassing first times of their own. “Haven’t you?”
Susan hesitated a beat, perhaps considering telling Felicia that it was none of her business—since Susan was higher ranked, that was true, but she could still ask—and then shook her head. “I was never much of a partier in college, in any sense, that party I was talking about earlier being a notable exception. Turned me off the idea.”
Felicia chomped through her bacon. She couldn’t say she was surprised. Susan had always seemed the kind of person who settled down early, rather than chasing for an extended period. The boring kind of person.
Tom came into the kitchen, an empty mug dangling from his fingers. Felicia started to hold out her paper towel and the last few remaining strips in offer, but Tom walked by without looking at her. He rinsed his mug in the sink and refilled it from the office-size pot of coffee someone always made for everyone in the morning.
“Tom, look…” Felicia crammed the last bacon strip into her mouth and dumped the paper towel in the food waste bucket. “About last night—” She couldn’t admit that she’d lied to him, couldn’t tell him he’d been completely right about Enrique, but at least she could apologize for everything else.
Tom concentrated more than really necessary on not spilling any coffee, and Susan glanced at her watch and left the kitchen, presumably off to the preschool thing. Having made that promising beginning, Felicia stalled out for several moments. “I grew up seeing people use whips, you know.”
“I know.” Tom turned around and stared down into his coffee, hair falling into his eyes. “It caught me off guard. I don’t blame you for it. You’re not like that.”
“And I know Enrique was showing off to try to needle you.” Felicia examined her hands for any remaining bacon grease. Maybe he’d also meant to lead her into another lie, but he’d smelled a lot like he was posturing like a stupid boy. Her lie was probably just a bonus.
Tom grimaced and sipped his coffee. “After you danced with him.”
Felicia’s head snapped up. “I didn’t mean—” She cut herself off. She had meant to see Tom’s reaction, but she hadn’t really thought it through beyond that. She hadn’t realized Enrique might take it as an invitation to be challenging at Tom. S
he’d never intended that.
“It’s fine. Dance with who you want. I mean, I think that someone who shows off with whip tricks isn’t exactly a decent kind of a guy, but what do I know about non–North American standards.” Tom shrugged.
Felicia clamped her jaw shut against instant agreement. Never mind not decent, Enrique was a fucking cat, working hard on digging down to Madrid’s low level. But she couldn’t say that, so she shrugged, as if she disagreed but couldn’t articulate a defense.
She thought she’d done pretty well with the gesture, but Tom’s attention narrowed to her face. “Where is he from, again?”
“Chile.” Felicia hid her reaction to having to renew the lie with movement, sliding her hand down Tom’s wrist to clasp his fingers. “I’m someone he can speak Spanish to, that’s why we ended up talking so much. I’m sorry, anyway. I was being prey-stupid last night too.” She dropped his hand before he could pull it away. “I know, we’re keeping things to ‘friends.’” Saying that so casually, like she agreed, stung. But she’d needed to raise that issue to distract Tom from his suspicions about Enrique. She slipped out of the kitchen. She needed to deal with Enrique, and fast. Then she could repair things properly with Tom.
* * *
Silver had a morning of relative quiet while Felicia slept late, and Craig undoubtedly howled to everyone he could think of. When the pack drifted out after the chaos of breakfast, Silver claimed the room and sat with the remains of her food and Death, thinking. When she heard Felicia in the next room, she left the young woman to Susan. The need to create a strategy for keeping the packs united was more pressing at the moment.
“I want to avoid arguments if I can.” Silver spoke in Death’s direction, but he only flicked an ear. Apparently she was on her own in planning this. “Letting them whine at me makes it seem like I might change my mind. But if I dismiss all of them out of hand, that will create resentment.”
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