by Lucy Monroe
“You were too kind to be less than me. I loved my half sister and half brothers and they cared for me and Thomas. I knew my mother had to be wrong. Her pack had rejected her for following her mate, but you accepted me as a cared-for friend when all others in your household looked on me as naught but a servant.”
“I made few enough friends among the English,” Shona joked, wanting to lighten Audrey’s dark countenance.
It worked and the blond woman smiled.
“I have learned the wrongness of my thinking,” Caelis ground out, a smile nowhere in evidence on his features. “Uven is unjust in his thinking. He does not respect the ancient ways though he claims to live by them.” There was the pain of being deceived in Caelis’s tone, his expression tight. Vegar watched him with a compassion that surprised Shona, and Audrey with a fascination that didn’t.
“Uven is a blackguard in every sense,” Shona said with all the conviction she felt.
Caelis nodded, no protectiveness toward their former laird like he used to have anywhere in evidence.
“But you are right. I allowed myself to believe and in so doing…I betrayed my true mate and broke sacred Chrechte law just as Thomas accused me of doing. Just as Uven has done.”
She only vaguely remembered Thomas making such a claim upon his first realization of who Caelis was. She could see this admission was of great importance to Caelis, but it had little impact for her.
“You could have ceased your explanations at your acknowledgment of wrong thinking. At present, Chrechte law has little regard from me.”
“But if I had—”
“No.” Shona put her hand up. “Right now, I do not want to hear more of this world I was kept ignorant of for so long. I have more important considerations.”
Later, they had much to discuss. No matter how much she might prefer to avoid doing so. But not at this moment.
Caelis frowned, his shock clear in the gentian blue of his eyes. “What?”
As if there could not be anything more important than Chrechte law. It took all of Shona’s long-fought-for patience not to grind her teeth.
That same Chrechte law had caused the people she’d loved most in her life to deceive her. She could be forgiven for not perceiving it as the great source of wisdom and knowledge Caelis seemed to do.
“Friendship,” she said with no shame. “My dear friend and I have words we need to speak and they do not require the presence of two arrogant warriors.”
“You are expelling us from the room?” Vegar asked, his own surprise even more acute than Caelis’s had been.
“I am.” She nodded for good measure and stared pointedly at the door.
“But I must speak to my mate.”
“I am not your mate. Yet,” Audrey added when Vegar looked to argue. “Perhaps never.”
“You canna—”
“What I can and cannot do is of no concern to you right now, barbarian.”
Caelis grinned at that, getting some kind of amusement out of his friend being taken to task. Warriors. There was no understanding them.
Shona pointed to the door and gave both men equally hostile looks. “Leave.”
“But—”
That was Vegar.
Audrey’s arm came up, her strength reasserting itself as she straightened her spine. She pointed to the door as well. “Now. We would have our privacy.”
Caelis crossed his arms and leaned against the door, “Be reasonable,” he ordered, being anything but. “We have much to settle and not much time to do it in.”
Shona crossed her own arms, the long velvet sleeves rustling as she did so. “That may be. I have only your word for the urgency of time, but this I tell you: I will speak with my dear friend before you and I have our discussion. She has been with me these past five years while you have not. The very least you can give us is a moment of privacy.”
She thought Caelis would continue to argue, but he did not, his expression going from angry to sad to determined to stoic so quickly that each emotion passed almost before she could mark it.
Finally, the big wolf shifter grimaced and nodded, stepping away from the door without another word.
Vegar opened his mouth, as if to dispute the other man’s decision.
But Caelis nudged the Balmoral soldier none too gently with his shoulder, his scowl and the firm shake of his head shutting the other warrior up.
Audrey added her own glare and Vegar relented. “Fine. We will go now. It is about time to practice our sparring anyway.”
Shona and Audrey didn’t respond to that bit of posturing. According to Abigail, the man’s plans for the morning had included hunting, not sparring.
Honestly, Shona simply did not care in that moment. She just needed time away from both brooding warriors and their demands.
Caelis and Vegar turned in unison and left the bedchamber with no further argument. Though the look Caelis gave Shona as he walked out the door made her think he was hoping for her to change her mind and ask him to stay.
She didn’t.
Chapter 12
The Faol were not created to exist alone. To share one’s nature with a wolf increases the need for companionship.
—FAOL ORAL TRADITIONS
Once they were gone and the door had been shut firmly, Shona turned to face Audrey.
The Englishwoman busied herself putting the room to rights, folding Thomas’s bedroll and tucking it under the bed. “It is quiet surprising this Scottish laird has actual beds in his guest rooms.”
“’Tis not common,” Shona agreed, no more eager than Audrey to attack the subject at hand. “Mayhap it is the influence of his English wife?”
“Perhaps. Though even in England, only the most wealthy have multiple rooms reserved.”
“They are not ornate,” Shona observed.
Like the furniture in the great hall, the pieces in bedchambers were simple and functional. It was quite likely that against all expectations, the laird and his lady had guests far more frequently than the usual Highland keep. Audrey’s surprise, however, that there was furniture at all was more than understandable.
“The keep itself is more formidable than I expected of the Highlands,” Audrey added.
“I, as well.”
Suddenly, Audrey’s face crumpled and tears showed in her eyes. “Is this how it will be now? Stilted between us?”
“Saints above, I hope not.”
Audrey laughed, the sound a bit watery. “I did not intend to hurt you. Or betray you.”
“Would you have told me of my own son’s nature?”
“In truth, I hoped to discover more Chrechte and seek the counsel of others. I did not like to think my mother’s perspective the most enlightened.”
“Why not seek out the counsel of your kind in England?” Though if the only Chrechte she had known of was her mother’s pack, then mayhap it was just as well Audrey had not.
“The Chrechte live mostly in the Highlands, or so my mother said. Her small pack went south generations ago, though I do not know why. Perhaps because of the Fearghall among them.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m not sure.” Again Audrey looked pained, but not, Shona thought, because of her this time. “I know so little of our kind. I did not realize that not all Chrechte think as my mother did until we came here.”
“Your world has been as usurped as my own,” Shona observed pensively.
“It has, but I am glad. I have always wanted to know others of my kind…find my mate.” The tears spilled over.
Shona could stand it no longer and she pulled her dear friend into her arms. “Come, all is not lost. He clearly wishes to…” Her voice trailed off as she realized she did not have words.
“The term is mate, but I’ll not take him to mate if he thinks I have no value because of the country of my birth.” Audrey’s expression turned mutinous. “That is no different than the Fearghall.”
“You are right.”
“And he cannot say any d
ifferent.” The militant gleam in Audrey’s eyes was actually quite amusing.
Though Shona would never let her know so. “No, he cannot.”
“He said he is Éan.” Audrey sounded awed by that fact.
“What does that mean?”
“He shifts into a bird.”
Shona remembered something like that being said. “What kind?”
“I don’t know…” Audrey’s voice trailed off and then her eyes lit with certainty. “The eagle this morn. It was him. His animal at least showed his approval for me.”
“He saw you naked!” Shona exclaimed, not sure what she thought of a world where animals were not as simple as she’d always believed. She pulled the other woman so that they sat side by side on the edge of the bed. “Caelis said there are few Chrechte, but I feel as if they are all around me.”
Audrey laughed. It was a small sound, but definitely an amused one. “That is very understandable. But only think, in your husband’s keep and the others around us, there were none other of our kind.”
“How do you know?”
“We would have smelled them.”
“So you can tell?”
“Yes, the scent of animal is very subtle, but it is there. Mother claimed some of the strongest could mask their scent.”
What an intriguing claim. “I wondered if you could identify each other.”
Audrey nodded her expression turning confused. “You told Caelis you did not want to talk about the Chrechte.”
“In truth, I wanted time away from looming and brooding warriors. And an opportunity to work out the issues between us.”
“Yes?” the blonde asked hopefully.
“Yes. You are the sister of my heart. Besides, I do not wish to discuss the laws he mentioned. He was quick enough to dismiss them.”
“Doing so would have cost him a great deal…he must have been truly convinced you were not his sacred mate.” The younger woman bit her lip, looking at Shona with a mixture of worry and earnestness.
“Our laird lied to him. Uven told Caelis that as his leader, he could tell if I was sacred mate to Caelis and that I was not.”
“I would have believed my alpha had he claimed such a thing, I think.” Audrey’s brow furrowed. “I’ve never had an alpha, but I feel the instincts to submit that I do not feel so strongly in my human nature.”
“Men believe all women have that instinct.”
“Only foolish men believe such a thing.”
“’Tis a teaching of the Church.”
“Do not tell Father John, but I do not believe the Church always has the right of it.”
Shona giggled, some of her despair lifting. “I do not believe that is a concern you need have. Father John is very unlikely to travel to the wild north of Scotland.”
Besides being in his dotage, the jovial man of the cloth with a surprising tendency toward kindness was as round as a boulder and twice as heavy.
“You know, he used to let Thomas and I share in the Sacrament of Communion. Privately, of course.”
“I never understood why you did not partake during Mass.” But Shona found many ways of the English mysterious.
“We were born natural children and many, including the baron, considered us unfit to partake of the sacraments.”
Shona shook her head, not even commenting on her deceased husband’s stupidity. Audrey knew by now that Shona had disagreed with the man on so many things that it was impossible to innumerate them all.
“Are we still sisters?” Audrey asked, her voice small, the vulnerability there heartbreaking.
Shona could only answer one way. And despite her own pain at Audrey and Thomas’s deceptions, she realized there was only one way she would want to answer. “Aye.”
“Thank you.” Audrey squeezed her hand so tight Shona gasped, but she did not pull away.
“Family can hurt each other and still be family.”
“Like your parents?”
“Yes. They did not disown me even though I hurt them gravely with my shameful behavior.”
Audrey made a sound of dissent. “I wasn’t talking about them still claiming you; I meant you continuing to claim them.”
“But of course I would. They were my parents.”
“They hurt you so much more than you hurt them.”
“I am sure they did not see it that way.”
“Then they would have been blind.”
“Nay. I think they saw the real me and were disappointed. They tried to raise me better.” Her mother had said so often enough.
And while Shona had been married to the baron, she’d thought maybe her mother had been wrong. That her behavior as a young woman had been an aberration.
She’d certainly never felt the drive to copulate with the baron that she had to receive Caelis into her body. But that in itself had led to its own guilt.
She’d been duty-bound to share her husband’s bed but had hated every single moment of it.
“What do you mean?” Audrey asked. “You are a woman worth admiration from any direction.”
Shona laughed, the sound as harsh as the pain in her heart.
“I allowed Caelis into my body when we were not even betrothed, and then last night…” She couldn’t go on, her own disappointment in herself too great.
“He is your true mate.”
“In the Chrechte way of things, that may count for much. But I am human.”
“Yes, but, well…” Audrey gave Shona a questioning glance. “You felt compelled?”
“I did, but Audrey, I do not know if that was Caelis’s wolf as I claimed to him, or if simply emotions I thought I’d been long quit of.”
“Does it matter?”
“Only to me.”
“I mean…you will marry him now, won’t you?”
“I do not know.”
“You have no choice…do you?” Audrey looked at Shona and then away, blushing. “I mean, you could be with child again.”
“If Chrechte are as rare as Caelis has said they are, making a child cannot be that easy, even for mates.” Eadan was truly a miracle.
“Oh, I am sure you are right, but still…”
“We did not do that. He insisted on holding back,” Shona admitted, no more comfortable with this line of discussion than Audrey.
But unlike six years ago, at least she had another woman to talk to about it. Shona would never have confided in her mother.
“He is showing his respect for you?” Audrey said doubtfully.
“I am not so sure it was out of respect for me so much as his attempt to draw forth my agreement to marriage.”
“How would withholding himself from you do that?” Audrey asked with all the innocence of a woman who had never been kissed.
Shona felt the heat crawling up her face. “I do not know what your mother told you about the act, but there is great pleasure to be found in it for a woman.”
Too much pleasure for Shona, according to her mother.
“Truly?”
“Aye.”
“Mother…she only spoke of it in terms of her wolf, how her beast could not live without its mate, no matter the cost to her pride.”
“Oh. That sounds horrible.”
Audrey shrugged. “She did not seem overly unhappy to me, though I was but a fledgling woman when she died trying to give birth to another child by my father.”
“Considering the life she must have had among her own people, leaving them for her mate may not have been the tragedy she implied it was.”
“But she hated living without a pack. She told me so many times, saying she was sorry that I had no choice but to follow in her footsteps.”
“I am sure there are benefits. I missed my clan when I left Scotland as well. There is safety in living among those who are family even when they are not related, but there are curses as well. Among the MacLeod, those were far worse than the blessings for a mere human like me.”
At the time, she’d believed it was simply that she was not p
art of Uven’s inner circle. Well, she hadn’t been, but not because of any reasons she might have surmised.
“What do you think our future will hold?” Audrey asked with a look of longing at the door.
“I do not know, but whatever the future will hold, we will face it as family.”
Audrey squeezed her hand. “Family.”
* * *
“Your mate is formidable.” Vegar thrust at Caelis with his sword.
Caelis swiveled in time to deflect the blow, directing the other man’s sword into a downward arc with his own. “She has always been stubborn, but there is a hardness to her now.”
“Among the Éan, a woman has never had the luxury of remaining too soft, no matter how tender her nature upon birth.”
Caelis could not argue with that. Life in the forest, hiding from the Faol intent on destroying their kind had honed the Éan into a people of impressive strength and fortitude.
“It would be easier to plan for the future if she had the same forgiving nature she had before leaving the Highlands.”
“Life changes us. You for the better,” Vegar said without apology and a strong thrust with his sword.
Caelis fell back from the powerful movement. “Not soon enough.”
“If you had come to your senses as a youth, you would just be another dead Chrechte who dared to challenge your laird’s teachings. Now you will be the one to destroy his hold on the MacLeod.”
“I do not think Shona cares if the MacLeod find relief from Uven’s tyranny.”
“Do you blame her?” Vegar asked.
“Aye. We were her clan.”
“She left.”
“Aye, to marry another.”
“Again, I ask: Do you blame her?”
And Caelis understood his friend had intended his question to have deeper meaning. An inquiry he was not sure how to answer. It was not rational, or even right, but Caelis was jealous of the man who had called his true mate wife for five years and claimed Caelis’s son as his own.
He knew his actions had led to the circumstances he found so distasteful, but that did not make them any easier to bear.
In truth, the knowledge that his rejection after claiming her body had led directly to Shona being forced into another man’s bed gutted Caelis.