by Silk Smooth
I damn sure didn’t want to lie, but as of right now, I refused to answer his question. I was confused. I felt guilty for being there, and why was I feeling as if this was so wrong? I wasn’t sure, but I stayed with Eric until three o’clock in the morning. When I got up to put on my clothes, he rolled over in bed.
“You’re leaving already?” he asked.
“Yeah, my daughter will be home later, and I want to get some rest before she comes. I had a nice time, though. Thanks for invitin’ me to come over.”
Eric pulled the covers aside and got out of bed. “I hope you’ll be coming again. And know that the door is always open.”
Eric put on his jeans and walked me outside to my car. We kissed and I told him I’d call soon. On the drive home, I wasn’t so sure about making that call again. The problem was that even though I liked Eric, I loved Honey. Maybe my timing just wasn’t right, and the one thing that I was sure of now was that my love for Honey couldn’t be washed away by another nigga’s dick.
I kept driving in thought, and looked at my phone to see if Mama had called back. She had called twice. It was too early in the morning to call her, but I did anyway. She answered the phone, hissing at me.
“Bitch, this better be real good. Holla,” she said.
“Where is Shania and Honey at?” I asked.
“At Disney World.”
“Mama, quit playin’. Where are they?”
“Shania is asleep, but I haven’t seen Honey since yesterday. I thought he was there with you.”
My heart dropped to my stomach. “I spoke to him earlier, and I thought he told me he was at yo’ crib. He said you, Trice, and Shania was at the store.”
“Well, he lied. He probably hemmed up somewhere with one of his bitches, and like always, he’ll be home soon. So don’t call me panicking, especially when you’ve made your choice to stay with that nigga. Tell him I’ma kick his ass for lying on me. For now, I’m taking my ass back to sleep.”
Mama hung up on me. I was so worried about where Honey was. It didn’t dawn on me that he was at home until I stuck the key in the door and the smell of marijuana hit me. I touched the light switch to turn on the light, but it didn’t come on. The house was almost pitch black, and as I tiptoed my way forward to the great room, I could see Honey chilling back on the couch, smoking Kush. Even that room was dark and all I could see clearly was the white part of his eyes.
“Where have you been?” he asked.
“I went out with Simone. The club was boring as fuck, so I drove around for a while and then came home. I thought you were still in Cali. When I talked to Mama, she said you left yesterday. Why didn’t you bring Shania home with you? I thought she was comin’ back with you.”
Honey turned on the seventy-two inch TV that was mounted into the wall. The brightness from the TV gave the room a sliver of more light. He looked me over and his fire-red eyes stopped right at my pussy. He took another hit from the joint and blew smoke into the air.
“I didn’t bring Shania home with me because I had a feeling that when I got here, I was gon’ have to beat yo’ muthafuckin’ ass. The last thing I wanted was for her to witness that shit.”
The best thing that I could do right now was stay quiet and let this situation calm itself. Honey had a look in his eyes that I hadn’t seen before, and even though he’d threatened to kick my ass, he had never done it.
I walked off, but before I made it to the kitchen, Honey rushed up from behind me and grabbed the back of my shirt, pulling me to him. He wrapped his arm around my neck and squeezed so I couldn’t move. He placed his lips close to my ear and spoke through gritted teeth. I could smell the alcohol and weed on his breath.
“I’ma ask yo’ ass again, and this time, I want the truth. Where in the fuck have you been?”
I reached for his arm, trying to move it away from my neck, but his grip was too tight. “I already told you! And just so you know, you’re hurtin’ me. Your grip is too tight!”
Honey released his arm. “Hurt you? Naw, I haven’t hurt you yet.”
I turned around, and was met with his tightened fist that cracked me right in the face. My eyes fluttered, my vision blurred, and a flash of darkness came across the room. My whole body went limp, and I crashed so hard to the floor, hitting my head. Honey stood over me and pulled me up by my shirt. “Whenever you’re ready to tell me, I’m listening, Karrine.”
I was so stunned that he’d hit me. Through a nearly shut eye, I looked at him. Tears rolled down my face, but he didn’t appear to have any sympathy for me. Since I didn’t answer his question, he punched me again, causing my head to jerk back. This time, my nose stung and started to bleed. I could taste the blood as it ran over my puffy lips and into my mouth.
“Why . . . why are you doin’ this to me?” I cried out as Honey held me in his hands, shaking the shit out of me.
“Because you played me, bitch! I told you what was gon’ happen if you played me, didn’t I? Now, tell me where you’ve been before I kick my goddamn foot in your throat!”
I didn’t doubt that he would do it, so I quickly spoke up. “I . . . I was with Eric. I spent most of the night with him.”
“Did you fuck him? Or do I have to remove your clothes and find that shit out for myself? I can already smell that nigga’s cheap-ass cologne all over you. Did you do it?”
I slowly nodded and separated my bloody, cracked mouth to speak. By then, though, Honey shoved me backward and let me go. My head hit the floor again and he got up. He walked away from me and went into his office, slamming the door behind him.
Barely able to see, I got off the floor and staggered upstairs to our bedroom with one shoe on and one off. I went into the bathroom to clean myself up. As I looked at my swollen, bruised eye in the mirror, I touched my face and it was numb. Blood stained my shirt, and my nose was still gushing blood. Trying to stop it, I pinched my nose and tilted my head back. I could taste the blood rushing down my throat and I spit it into the sink. I splashed water all over my face then I patted it with a towel. I glared at the mirror again, hating myself and wanting so badly to kill Honey for what he’d done to me. My thoughts were all over the place. I left the bathroom, and went into the bedroom to retrieve a gun from underneath the mattress. I limped back down the stairs, and when I pushed on the door to Honey’s office it squeaked open.
Honey had his head down on his desk. When he lifted it, I aimed the gun right at him. He held his hands out and gazed at me with an intense stare.
“If you hate me that much,” he said in a calm tone. “Do it. This is your second attempt to take my life, and I’ll be so glad when you get exactly what you want. I’m not it, ma. I’m not the nigga you’re looking for, and if it’s gotten to the point where you want to kill me then you need to free yourself of me. Do it now, Karrine, and let’s get this shit over with.”
A slow drip of blood started to run from my nose again. It dripped over my lips, along with my flowing, salty tears. The gun trembled in my shaking hands, and when I squeezed the trigger, all the gun did was click. I squeezed it again and again . . . click, click, click. No bullets were inside of it, and yet again, I was fucked. When Honey got out of his seat, I threw the gun at him. He ducked and the gun hit the wall.
As he approached me, I pounded his chest with my fists and clawed my nails down the side of his face, scratching it.
“I . . . I hate you!” I yelled out. “I hate you so damn much, Honey, I swear I do!”
“No, you don’t,” he said, trying to embrace me and get me to calm down.
I kept pulling away from him, but he had a tight grip on my arms. He held them steady and looked into my watered down eyes. “If you thought I would ever have you in a house with loaded guns, you got me fucked up. I knew you would try this shit on me again, but why did you make me do this to you, Karrine? I never wanted to hurt you like this, and if you were that damn unhappy with me, why didn’t you just leave me? You don’t have to stay with me if you don’t want to. If
you want me to free you so you can be with another nigga, all you gotta do is say so. What else can I do, ma, but threaten you. You . . . you fucked with my head and made me hurt you like this. I’m sorry for that shit and—”
Honey let me go and he swung around to face the wall, trying to hide his emotions. I stood still, attempting to shake my cries that left me unable to catch my breath.
“Don’t you dare blame this on me! You didn’t have to hit me, and all of this revolves around yo’ ongoin’ disrespect! I went to go see Eric because I wanted to try somethin’ different. What I found out was I was wastin’ my time, because the whole time he was inside of me, all I could think about was you! I felt guilty, and I knew the shit would hurt you if you found out about it. I left Eric’s crib tellin’ myself that my love for you was so strong that I just had to deal with whatever, until this shit got better. But tell me this, Honey? When you’re out fuckin’ with all of those bitches, do you think about me? Do you ride home feelin’ guilty and shed tears when your dick is far up in those bitches pussies? I don’t think so, and how dare you stand there and act like I had no right to do what I did. How dare you beat my ass like I’m the one who should’ve known better. You were wrong on so many different levels, and you can take that sorry you just offered me and shove it up yo’ black ass!”
I turned to walk away, but Honey came up from behind and eased his arms around my waist. “Damn, I fucked up, all right. I’m real sorry and don’t you know I love you, ma? Those bitches don’t mean shit to me. I do feel guilty about that shit, you just don’t know how guilty. But this ain’t about them. It’s about you fucking with another nigga. Didn’t you know what that shit would do to me? I was going crazy sitting here waiting for you and knowing that he probably had his dick in you. That shit didn’t work for me, and I told you before that it wouldn’t.”
I removed his arms from around me and turned to face him. He stared at my nearly shut eye and reached out his hand to touch it.
“Deal with it like I do, Honey. And if you felt guilty you would’ve stopped the bullshit a long time ago. And just so you know, you haven’t been the only one doin’ your homework. I have too, startin’ with the week before you went to Cali. Monday you were at Kita’s house fuckin’ her, on Tuesday you were at dinner with that white chick, then you took her to a fancy hotel and screwed her. I didn’t see you until Wednesday afternoon, and when you brought yo’ hot-dick ass up in here, you put yo’ dick up in me and dug for gold like I was the best thing ever. Thursday was your rest day, but by Friday, nigga, you were hyped again. I believe Champagne was her name, and you fucked her in the backseat of your truck. Saturday was all about business, but Sunday the ho in you came out again. I guess Kita needed her pussy sucked again, and that didn’t satisfy you enough, because you came here and dined on me for several hours. Now, tell me this, Honey. How much pussy does one man need? How much bullshit do you expect me to put up with—and realistically, shouldn’t you be the one with a fucked up face like this, instead of me?”
Honey was speechless. All he could do was turn away from me.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” I said. “Sit on that shit for a while, nigga, and if you can come up with a legitimate reason as to why I should stay with yo’ ass, let me know. That love shit you talkin’ ain’t good enough, so let me know what else you come up with within the next several hours. That’s when I’ll be gettin’ my borin’ ass the fuck out of here and leavin’ yo’ ass at peace.”
I went upstairs to our bedroom and started packing. The only place I really wanted to go was to Cali with Mama, but I wasn’t so sure if she wanted me there on a full-time basis.
Hopefully, with Shania being there, Mama would feel good about it. I just didn’t know right now, and what I intended to do was show up with some of my things now and send for some later.
By seven o’clock in the morning, I was done stuffing three suitcases and putting some of my things in a duffle bag. I carried my suitcases to the front door, and I could see Honey sitting quietly on the couch, finishing a joint. His shirt was off and his jeans were hanging off his ass, showing his Calvin Klein briefs.
As I pulled the heavy duffle bag down the steps, he called my name. I didn’t go see what he wanted until I dropped the bag at the door.
“What?” I said with a white bandage covering my eye. My face was so fucked up that I wouldn’t dare walk out in public with it not being covered up.
“What is it that you want from me?” he asked. “I’m not really understanding it, and you have never really made yourself clear.”
“What I want—or wanted—you have never been willin’ to give. And if I didn’t make myself clear, you can now take all the time you need to figure out what I was tryin’ to say. Until then, I’ll be with our daughter.”
I left having no regrets, and I felt good about my decision to move the fuck on.
* * *
My suitcases and bags were in the car, so I stopped at the bank to clear my account out, just in case, then caught a plane, heading to Cali with Mama. I didn’t tell her I was coming, and when Trice opened the door for me, she looked at my face and gasped.
“Don’t even ask,” I said, strolling in with some of my suitcases. The taxi driver had the rest of them, and he placed them in the foyer. After I paid him, he left.
“Where is Mama at?”
“She’s in the kitchen with Shania.”
I headed toward the kitchen, watching from a far as Mama gazed out of the large picture windows that viewed the lavish backyard. Shania was on her hip and Mama swayed back and forth while singing to her. Shania smiled and pulled on Mama’s long braids. I cleared my throat, and when Shania reached out, Mama turned around.
“Hey pretty girl,” I said to Shania who Mama had handed over to me. She stared at me and swallowed hard.
“Car accident?” she questioned.
“No,” I replied.
“You ran into the wall?”
“Nope.”
“Fell off a bike?”
“Haven’t been on one in years.”
Mama looked over my shoulder at Trice. “Come get Shania while Karrine and I have a talk.”
Trice came into the kitchen and got Shania, who fussed because she didn’t want to let me go.
“Let’s go fix up your dollhouse,” Trice said. “Do you want to go do that?”
Shania smiled and left with Trice. Mama told me to sit at the table, so I did. She lit a cigarette, and after several deep puffs, she sat down at the table with me.
“If you’re here for me to feel sorry for you, I must tell you that I don’t. I knew this day was coming, Karrine, and I don’t know why you’re here because all you’re going to do is keep on running back to his ass.”
“No, I’m not. I’m done. I swear I’m done.”
“You won’t be done until you have to put a bullet in that nigga’s head. And it’s gon’ be a damn shame, too, because not only will I lose out, but Shania will too. If you and Honey had listened to me from the beginning, we wouldn’t even be here. I told you I didn’t want to be in the middle of this, now you got me so damn mad that I don’t know what to do.”
“I know now that I should have listened, but it’s so hard, Mama, especially when you love somebody and—”
“Love,” Mama shouted. “Don’t talk to me about love. Who you need to be in love with is your fucking self. If you did love yourself, you wouldn’t have ever allowed Honey to get away with all of that dumb shit he was doing. You knew what kind of nigga he was, Karrine, and what did you do? You ran off and had a damn baby with him. You still around here fucking his ass, and you could be pregnant right now and wouldn’t even know it. I taught you better than this, didn’t I? Please tell me that I didn’t raise a goddamn fool.”
Mama’s words stung, but what else did I expect her to say?
“Sooo, I slipped, fell, and bumped my head. Just like we all do sometimes, but I’m gon’ bounce back and redeem myself.”
“Don’t talk about it, be about it. And whenever that nigga comes here, because you know he will, you don’t need to be redeeming yourself with his dick in your mouth or in your pussy.”
Mama got up and removed the bandage from my eye. She looked at it and shook her head with disgust. She then sat back at the table and reached for the cell phone in her pocket. After calling Honey, she put the phone on speakerphone.
“I knew this call was coming,” he said nonchalantly. “What’s up?”
“You mean what’s going down? Yo’ ass is, if I ever have to see Karrine’s face like this again. I can’t believe you did this shit, Honey, and when you hurt her, nigga, don’t you know you hurt me too?”
“It was an accident, and I failed to control myself. I apologized to her and now I’m apologizing to you. After this, I don’t want to talk about this shit no more. When you call me, only call to talk about business, not about my relationship with Karrine.”
Honey hung up on Mama and her eyes grew wide. She threw a fit and called him all kinds of names as she called him back. To no surprise, he didn’t answer. That didn’t stop her from leaving him a message.
“You black ass son of a bitch,” Mama shouted into the phone. “If I could, I would get up from here and come beat yo’ ass! And if you don’t remember nothing else, you had better remember this. Never bite the hand that feeds you, nigga, do you hear me? Get yo’ mind right, and within the hour, I expect a phone call from you, and you better have plenty of regrets! Plenty!”
Mama ended the call. Twenty minutes later, Honey called back. She stormed off into another room to talk to him. When she came back, her lips were poked out and she had much attitude.
“I can’t believe y’all got me caught up in this foolishness. While I do not think Honey is a bad person, Karrine, all I will say is that he’s not for you. I’ma leave it there, then I’m going to ask, why are your suitcases sitting at my front door?”
I got up from my chair and went to go rest my head on Mama’s shoulder to calm her.
“Because, Mommy, me and Shania wanted to know if we could stay here with you for a while. I promise you that we won’t be no trouble at all and I’ll be on my best behavior.”