Birthing Balls

by Long, Andie M.

  “So has she driven you completely around the twist?” He asks me. “Has she bought you a book on how to be a parent, or how to stay zen during childbirth?”

  “No, she was just amazing.” I told him. “But I’m beat now, so I’m going to go up to bed if that’s okay with you?”

  “How beat are you?” He asks. “Too beat to maybe widen those thighs a little?”

  “I think I could possibly manage that.” I tell him. “If you can make me a cuppa first.”

  Chapter Four

  June 2017

  Tyler

  I’m at my desk writing the next chapter of my book Bewildered Baby Daddy. I’m writing about the last month, May, Lindsay’s sixth month of pregnancy. My vitamin fruit smoothie is by my side. Yes, she’s pregnant but I’m the one in need of vitamins, and a new set of genitals.

  ***

  Help me.

  My girl’s gone horny! She will kill me for saying this in my book, but hey, I said I’d give it to you warts and all, (actually that doesn’t sound quite right when talking about sex does it? No warts or any other sexually transmitted diseases were involved in the making of this book, or the making of the baby). Right, let’s continue, and mother, if you are reading this, ew. Go straight onto the next chapter, please.

  So, Lindsay was feeling really shattered towards the end of last month and a visit to the doctors and blood tests showed that she had anaemia. She was put on iron tablets and well, by the third week of May she was like a new woman. A new woman with lots of energy. The other difference was that her boobs, which had filled out splendidly during pregnancy, stopped being tender. And here lays my downfall because to get me in the sack all she had to do was offer me a squeeze of those lovely breasts. Goddamn women.

  So prepare yourselves men. Some investigation on the net also reveals that when the baby is overdue, hot curries, cranberry tea and sex are recommended as ways in which to get the baby to come. So if you’ve been getting nothing in the bedroom for months and at the end of her third trimester your missus suddenly becomes horny, it’s a lie. She’s using your dick to get the baby out because she’s sick of it making her waddle like a duck, give her piles or any other of the million and one ailments that seems to accompany pregnancy. Now, don’t be rash and pass up the opportunity for this shag. Let’s not be foolish guys. Just know that she has a hidden agenda and if you feel a gush and she shouts ‘hallelujah’, you’ve not found the sexual holy grail - the squirt - it’s that her waters have broken.

  Anyway on the whole, this last month my missus has been a lot happier. She’s been getting out more and seems to have got used to her early morning puke that is STILL happening. I’d go as far as to say that she now has that ‘glow’ that is supposed to come with pregnancy. Up until this sixth month it has been a cross between a ghoulish appearance or one of a fire breathing dragon (but the dragon one is just normal Lindsay - oops that’s me not getting another shag ever again!).

  Now by this stage guys, if you’re like me, you need to get yourself down the gym. So far I’ve been matching Lindsay pound for pound as I kept eating the foods she went off, plus I’ve been a bit of a couch potato with all the book writing and YouTube stuff. I let myself go and developed my own little baby bump. Except I have no baby. So at the beginning of this month I’ve started back down at the gym. I figure I need to be super fit for when that little baby joins our world. It has nothing to do with wanting to look ripped as I push the pram in the park, how dare you even suggest it, (okay, that IS one reason. Women love a fit baby daddy, I’ve heard Lindsay go on and on about them in the past, or about ripped guys walking tiny dogs. What the **** is that all about? Hardly fits the beefy image does it when they shout ‘come on Tallulah’ after a Chihuahua.)

  So the upside of being a gym bunny is that I should also be able to keep up with the missus’ constant demands for more nookie. But if you know of a spares shop that stocks replacement genitals please let me know.

  ***

  “Ty?”

  Oh God. She’s here again.

  “Yes, love?”

  “You busy?”

  “I’m just finishing up writing a chapter of the book.”

  She moves over to me. “Can I look?”

  “No.” I quickly flick off the screen. She’ll kill me if she sees I’m writing about how she’s wearing me out. I’m going to make sure the book is released when she’s completely exhausted from sleepless nights and couldn’t care less if my book was a unicorn. As I close the laptop, I realise that she wasn’t the slightest bit interested in looking at my laptop screen, she just wanted to bend over near me. Bend over so that her boobs spill out a little over her tight burgundy tee. Hmm, I’m sure when I left her she was wearing a smock style dress.

  She wiggles her way between the desk and my chair and sits herself down on my lap. Fucking hell, my legs scream out in pain with the extra weight on them. She’s got quite a bump now at six and a half months pregnant. I’ve got to get her off me before she gives me a dead leg.

  “Erm, just stand up a minute, Linds.” I say to her through gritted teeth.

  She does, standing up leaning her bum against the desk and looks at me, waiting for my next instruction. That was it. Just get off my fucking dead legs. She thrusts her boobs out a little more. Dear God.

  “The weather’s really nice today. In fact, I’m too hot in this tight long sleeved top.” She lifts it up from the bottom and pull it up over her head. She throws it down on the floor and sits back on my desk, her ass across all my important paperwork, messing it up.

  And there they are although mostly encased in a shiny pink bra. Those boobs. Those creamy orbs I love to have squashed against my face. I pull my chair in closer and do just that. She unhooks her bra so I can feast on her nipples, my hands groping her creamy skin. She pulls up her skirt, revealing she has no panties on. Taking hold of one of my hands she steers it from her boob to her bush (something else about a six months pregnant bird, it’s a jungle down there, cos she can’t see it any more). My fingers tease her slick slit as she moans with desire. “Fuck me, Tyler.”

  I stand up and shrug off my jeans and boxer shorts and then clearing the papers that are in the way, I fix my hands under her ass and lift her up from the desk and slide her straight onto my cock.

  She bobs up and down on my dick and I make the mistake of opening my eyes to watch her. She’s so desperate to get off she looks like a Jack-in-the-box on amphetamines.

  “Oh God, Oh God. Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me.”

  My knees are about to give out. My thighs are burning far greater than any gym workout has ever made them and I’m trying to concentrate on getting off, but I’m in pain.

  So I do something I have never done before. As she comes on my cock, clenching away, I fake an orgasm. She’s so wet she’ll never notice that I’ve not spurted my man milk inside her. She collapses against me, back on my freaking legs with all her extra weight.

  “Oh that was amazing.” She says.

  “It was, Linds. Amazing.” I lie. “You’ve worn me out. Let’s go and lie down for an hour.” She nods enthusiastically and grabs my hand to lead me to the bedroom with her.

  I hold my other hand up. “Just give me a minute to get my breath back. Why don’t you go and clean up?”

  “Okay, darling.” She says, beaming, her post-orgasmic glow lighting up her face.

  She leaves the room and I look at my work desk. It’s going to take me an hour to sort out these mixed up piles of paperwork and I hope that’s not a contract that’s been creased by her ass cheek.

  I rub my legs frantically, trying to get the feeling back in them so I can walk to the bedroom. And I have a horrible feeling she’s not done with me yet. There are some things that will never make their way into my bewildered baby daddy book and having to fake orgasms is one of them.

  Lindsay

  I am feeling so much better! I’m still sick first thing in a morning, but then I clean my teeth and I’m ready to face the d
ay. The nursery is looking amazing with the things we’ve bought and the curtains and other bits and pieces I’ve been making. The main thing—what I’m sure is making Tyler’s day right now—is that my libido is back! I can’t get enough of Ty’s dick. No more telling him I feel tired or sick and I’d rather not, seeing his sad little rejected face. I’m insatiable right now. I’m like his own live-in porn star. What a lucky guy! I just seduced him in his office. It was like the scene from a movie. I went in, wearing a clingy sexy top, showed him the puppies, and then I stripped off in front of him. He couldn’t resist and we ended up having a quickie across his desk and chair. I’ve just freshened up and now I’m waiting for him in our bed. He said we should have an afternoon sleep, yeah right. Codeword for let’s move it to the bedroom. I can read him like a book!

  He walks into the bedroom and slips under the sheets. I grab hold of his cock and stroke his girth up and down.

  “Hey, love. Don’t you think you should rest up? Make sure you’re taking care of our baby. I can just cuddle.”

  He is so considerate. I am so lucky to have this man in my life.

  “No, I’ll rest after. I really want you inside me again.”

  He groans. For a minute I think it sounds like he doesn’t want it and my face falls but then he repeats the groan and it’s a proper one, a sexy one.

  “Can I ride you?” I ask him.

  “Oh yes, please.” He says and I clamber aboard.

  God, I love that he’s letting me have my own way choosing positions and not being an alpha male because I feel sexy riding him with my fabulous rack and baby bump. I’m feeling so womanly right now.

  I circle up and down on his shaft, taking him deeper inside me. Right now I just can’t get enough, it’s ridiculous. I could go all day and all night. In fact, we just might!

  Tyler

  After tidying up my desk later the next day, I open up my document and delete the section about hitting the gym. Without speaking about my occasional fake orgasms, I write an addendum to the paragraph.

  It may be that you only get to the gym a couple of times depending on how randy your expectant lady gets. Today my legs simply don’t work. I’ve told Lindsay that I think I’m coming down with a virus and with that she is avoiding me like the plague as she doesn’t want to catch anything that could harm the baby. So today I am free to lie down and rest my legs, or do as I just did, struggle to my desk using the walls as support. So a tip for you guys. If you need a rest from the baby stuff, either being bored by them going on and on about babies, or if you’re worn down to the point of exhaustion by their libido. Get man flu. I repeat say you have man flu. This can be our little secret. You’ll not see the little lady for dust. Mine’s probably going to last about a week, maybe I’ll even stretch it to ten days. Depends on how long it takes for my genitals and thighs to recover. And on that note somehow I need to get down to the kitchen for another vitamin drink to build up my strength.

  Chapter Five

  20 June 2017

  Beth

  “Don’t forget I’m going out for Cam’s birthday tonight.” I shout to my husband, Leo.

  “Yes, you go out on the town and I’ll stay here with Trey the terror.” He smiles at our son.

  “I’m not terror,” our four-year-old protests. “Me good boy.”

  “Yes, you are a good boy, darling. Daddy is being silly.” I bend down and kiss the top of his head. “Anyway, I’m looking after one child.” I pat my almost seven months pregnant belly.

  “So what’s the plan for her birthday seeing as two of the party are heavily pregnant?”

  “Just a meal in town. A nice quiet meal.”

  “Dora not coming then?” Leo quips. “Right, I’ll see you later. Would be golfers await and sons need taking to nursery.” He kisses my cheek and he and Trey leave the house together.

  Making myself a cup of tea I sit down as I don’t need to leave for another thirty minutes. I take time to look around my amazing home and think how different my life has become in the last couple of years. From being a skint, single mum to the wife of an ex-professional golfer, with another baby on the way. My pregnancy thankfully was progressing smoothly and other than an increased need to wee, I’d felt amazing for most of it, unlike poor Lindsay. I really felt for her, but as long as we ended up with two healthy babies, that’s what counted.

  It got me thinking about how not everyone was as fortunate as we were. Some people’s pregnancies didn’t go smoothly at all and their children were born with difficulties, especially premature babies.

  “You stay in there until you’re fully cooked, you hear me?” I place a hand on my stomach and receive a kick in return.

  Cam picks an Italian restaurant, La Scala, for her birthday celebration and after a steady day at work, we go home, get changed, and meet at the restaurant at eight.

  “Happy birthday, babe.” I tell her and hand her a card and gift.

  She sits and opens her Thomas Sabo charm bracelet and a charm that says ‘best friend’. “Oh, I love it, Beth. Thank you so much.”

  “What did you get from your mum this year?” I ask, as some years Dora’s presents could only be classed as strange.

  “A copy of Bride Wars, a gym membership, and a subscription to Bride magazine. I have a feeling my mum wants to make sure my wedding outshines my aunties.”

  “Like you have time to go to a gym.” I laugh.

  “Yeah. I’m going to make time though. It’s the same gym mum goes to so I’ll be able to meet her and talk weddings and stuff as it gets nearer. I want to look good for my big day.”

  “Don’t become a lollipop head, promise me. You have a great figure.”

  “I just want to look the best I can. Those photos will be around a loooong time.”

  “Oh, we can have those photoshopped, hun, I want my wrinkles and double chin taking out,” adds Dora.

  “We will not be photoshopping the wedding pictures.” Cam glares at her mum.

  “Spoilsport. Well we’ll see if you feel the same way if you wake up with a huge zit on the end of your nose on the big day.” Dora sits down and pours herself a glass of wine.

  “How are you, Dora?” I ask, trying to change the subject.

  “Yeah, alright Beth, thanks. Not much happened since I saw you at work about two hours ago. Managed a quick shag before I left the house, but nothing else to report.”

  “Mother!” Cam places her hands across her ears. “Please stop.”

  “Like you don’t do anything. I saw you at Christmas.” Dora winks at her daughter.

  “Pardon?”

  “When I was doing the trimming up for the Christmas display. I had to avert my gaze from the window.”

  “Oh my God.” Cam’s face flashes puce. “This is not happening. I’m going to wake up in a minute. It’s a bad dream.”

  “Not surprised she’s marrying him,” Dora adds and holds her hands wide apart.

  Cam grabs the wine bottle and drinks straight from it.

  “Lindsay,” I shout, thankful that someone normal might join us.

  Lindsay wanders slowly over to the table rubbing her belly. At almost eight months pregnant now, her bump has gone huge. In fact tiny Lindsay is almost as wide as she is tall now. She sinks into her seat and yawns. “Hey all. Happy birthday, Cam.” She hands over an envelope which has cash stuffed in it.

  “I left Ty to sort your gift so he basically just went around the house, picked up any stray money he could find and he put it in a card he found in my kitchen drawer which you’ll find is a Christmas card. You could have £500 or loose change amounting to 67p, I have no idea, and I’m sorry, Cam, but I’m too tired to care. When I’ve had the baby, I’ll treat you to something nice.”

  “Lindsay, you’re going to be even more tired then, believe me.” I told her.

  Her face falls. “Please don’t tell me that, Beth. I can give the baby to Ty can’t I and go to sleep for like 24 hours solid?”

  “You could,” I nod and a
gree.

  “Yeah, and hell could freeze over. I’d not sleep for worrying if the baby was being dressed in different smurf outfits or performing stunts on YouTube.” She sighs.

  “Anyway, I’m out tonight and Dora.” She leans over the table. “Can I just have a teeny tiny sip of wine? I miss it.”

  “Sure sweetpea, here.” Dora passes over the wine.

  “Oh bleurgh.” Lindsay pulls a face. “Damn tastebuds, it tastes like crap.”

  A woman leaving the restaurant comes walking over to the table, her narrowed beady eyes fixed on Lindsay. “It’s disgusting that you’re drinking alcohol in your condition. People like you should have their children taken away.”

  Dora puts a hand up to quieten down the rest of the table. Lindsay looks like she’s going to cry.

  Dora stands up, placing her arms across her chest. “Erm, excuse me, but my daughter-in-law is not pregnant. Are you saying people carrying a little weight can’t drink? Are you a fattist?”

  The woman’s face pales. “Oh, I presumed…”

  “Yes?” Dora asks, cool as a cucumber.

  “Well, her stomach was sticking out, and I presumed she was expecting a baby, and drinking.”

  “Well, she’s not and even if she were, a tiny sip of wine will not cause damage to a baby. Whereas looking at your face and your attitude it looks like your own mother drank herself into oblivion after shagging Quasimodo.”

  “Well, there’s no need...”

  “You can leave now.” Dora makes a shooing motion while her face shows if the woman doesn’t leave soon she will wish she had.

  We all sit there stunned as the woman practically runs out of the restaurant. Dora beckons over the waitress. “Tray of celebratory shots for me and Cam, and whatever these two pregnant ladies want to drink.”

  The rest of the meal passes unremarkably and after dessert I decide to discuss the plan I’d thought of earlier.