The Barbarian's Mistress

by Glover, Nhys

  The emptiness in her chest made the tears sting her eyes again. Hadn’t she cried enough? Where were more tears coming from? She sniffed and fought them back. No time for grief or self-pity. Her mother had probably guessed that she was the “goods” and would be sending someone to check. Or worse, bring her back.

  She would not go back. Never!

  Scrambling out of bed, she dragged on her clothes, and then went down to find Daria. The woman had been so kind to her the night before. She knew what it was to lose a beloved father. And husband. But Lara still had her husband, and she was that much closer to making that marriage a reality, with the death of her father.

  Lara didn’t like to think like that. It made it seem as if she was glad her father was dead. That couldn’t be further from the truth. But the silver lining in this terrible cloud was that she might now be able to have the man she loved. Might be able to live her life the way she wanted. Not as a pawn in someone else’s game of power, but in her own. It went against all her training to think this way, but there it was. She was tired of living in fear and weakness, relying on others to save her. Even Vali. She wanted to make her own choices, set her own course. Lara the liberti could do that so much better than Annia Minor ever could.

  ‘How are you feeling?’ Daria asked, as Lara entered the little kitchen. The older woman was just lifting a tray of oatcakes from the oven. She tended to cook in the mornings before it got too hot. Then she’d warm the food over a small flame when the time was right, later in the day.

  ‘Better. Awful. It was such a shock. My father was an older man. Much older than my mother, but he wasn’t sick. I don’t know how this has happened.’ She sat on a stool, her legs feeling ready to give out under her.

  ‘Death can be swift and unexpected. It’s harder that way, I think. You don’t get the chance to prepare for it. To say your goodbyes. But I’m sure your father knew how you felt about him.’

  ‘Yes. He knew I loved him. It’s just that… I can’t get over the idea I’ll never see him again. Even though I was going to live in Pompeii, and he was in Rome, I knew I’d see him again. Get letters from him. Now… nothing.’

  ‘And you’ll see him walking down the street in a crowd. And you’ll think it was him that just disappeared around the corner. But it won’t be. All I can tell you, Lara, is that it will get better.’

  Lara smiled gratefully at the older woman, and took an oatcake from the tray she was offered. Then she slathered on some conserve made from rosehips. Not really hungry, she knew she had to make the effort to keep up her strength. They were on the move once more. Who knew when she’d get a decent meal again?

  ‘Vali?’

  ‘He went to the forum a little while ago. Appius went with him. That boy has a bad case of hero worship going on with your man. I’m not looking forward to the way he will mope when you two are gone.’

  ‘We must leave very soon. Now my father is dead, my position becomes problematic. My… my mother didn’t want me to marry Vali. She will try to make me divorce him. We’re going to get as far away as we can, to start again.’

  ‘Ah, I wondered what the urgency was. I thought you would be heading home to be with your family at such a sad time. But your mother has no control over you, surely? You are a liberti. Your parents must have been slaves?’

  ‘It’s complicated. And my mother is a very powerful woman in her way. She will make my life a misery if she finds me.’

  ‘Then you must go. And I won’t tell anyone where you’re going. I promise you that.’ Dania took Lara’s hand in hers and squeezed it tightly. Lara smiled sadly and squeezed back. Lies on lies. She hated it. This woman was so kind. All she wanted to do was tell her the whole, horrible story. But it was too dangerous. For her, for Vali. She must remain Lara the liberti from now on.

  At that moment, Vali strode into the house, followed closely by Appius.

  ‘Good, you’re up. We leave now. A fishing boat is going down the coast to Palinurus Promontory and there’s a ship south leaving first thing in the morning from there. Our boat leaves on the tide in an hour. They’re willing to drop us off, for a price, but they won’t wait.’

  ‘Oh, so soon? I…’ She looked at Daria, and felt her heart turn over with sadness. Yet another loss, so soon.

  ‘Go on dear heart. Get your belongings. I’ll pack you some food to carry with you. The trip to the point is not long, maybe a few hours, but eating will make the time pass faster. Appius, help me.’

  Vali led Lara up to their room, and they gathered their possessions quickly. They had so much more than when they’d arrived. Vali now had a big carry-all that he strapped over his shoulder. In it he put their gold aureii. He put smaller currency in another bag at his waist. She got to carry her old hold-all, loaded with clothes and her mementos. She took a moment to look at the picture of her father. It broke her heart.

  ‘No time for grief, sweetling. We need to be gone. Now,’ Vali said, gently but firmly. She nodded and stowed the picture away with her other precious things.

  Less than an hour later, they were on the beach being helped onto the fishing boat. It was tiny, and manned only by three fishermen. But as the trip was going to be short, it didn’t matter how cramped their quarters.

  Lara was pleased to see that Vali was energised once more. The last week of inactivity had been relaxing, and some of the harsh edges had been smoothed off him, but that look of excitement had been missing. Except in the bedroom.

  The breeze was brisk, the water blue-green and clear as glass, as they headed south. The talkative older fisherman pointed out Posidium Promontory at the end of Paestum Bay and the little fishing village of Velia further on. For Lara, the trip was just what she needed. The way the small craft cut across the choppy waves, flying with the wind, made her heart soar, and cleared the last of her grief away.

  ‘You’re enjoying this,’ Vali said, smiling down at her as he clung to the side of the heaving boat, cheeks flushed red from the wind, eyes shining. Had she ever seen anyone as handsome? Her blonde giant was a joy to behold, especially as all the swelling and bruising was now gone. The scars that were left only served to make him look more dangerously handsome.

  ‘I am. I’m not scared at all this time.’

  He smiled his pride in her, and she felt it right down to her toes. She wanted this man to be proud of her. His opinion was all that mattered anymore.

  ‘Look,’ he pointed out the headland they were approaching. It looked like a green, blunt-fingered hand reaching out to grasp the sea. There was a huge hole carved into one of the fingers, like a window. Beyond it, the aqua-blue sea, with the cerulean sky above, looked like a mural on the wall of a luxurious palace. Lara smiled her appreciation.

  They hadn’t even had time to unpack their food when the small craft nudged its way onto the sandy beach, and the two passengers jumped out. With a quick wave, they bid the fishermen goodbye.

  ‘That was fun,’ she said, as they began to walk up the beach toward the small town cradled into the north side of the point. The docks were far larger than the town itself, and she wondered why.

  They made their way to the inn Daria had recommended, and then spent the rest of the day exploring the promontory, trying to get down to the hole they’d seen from the fishing boat. But the climb was too steep and dangerous, and Vali was loath to risk her falling. So they ended up sitting on the most distant point, near the light house, and eating the food Daria had prepared for them.

  ‘I’ll miss them,’ she said wistfully, as she nibbled on an oatcake spread with creamy cheese.

  ‘Daria and Appius? Yes. They were nice people. And Daria won’t tell anyone where we’re going. If anyone comes looking, that is.’

  ‘I know. How far will this ship tomorrow take us?’ she lay back on the warm grass, not concerned about the hot sun on her face. Her skin had tanned to a pleasant gold, and it didn’t sting anymore.

  ‘All the way to Carthago. We’re lucky. It’s a regular on this route. It’l
l be taking on board amphorae of wine from Lucania, especially Buxentum, which is the much larger town further around the headland.’

  ‘Why isn’t it the port?’ She took a drink from the mug they shared.

  ‘No protection from the elements. Palinurus, with its odd little fishing hook promontory, makes it a much better option for larger crafts that need to dock and unload. Storm winds can only come in from the north, and those aren’t often experienced in these parts.’

  ‘Mmm. I suppose that makes sense. You know so much.’

  ‘About the sea, and how to survive it, yes. I’m bred to it. But I’m concerned about the lateness of the season. September is really the only month we can still sail with any safety, so the agents were telling me. But as long as we make the crossing to Gaulia as soon as possible, we should be right.’

  ‘How do you know all this?’ She looked at his golden face that was such a stark contrast to his white-blond hair. A shock of it fell over his broad forehead, softening his harsh features.

  ‘I talk to people, sweetling. Sailors always like to share their knowledge. It’s the only thing that keeps them safe when they travel into the unknown. If someone has gone before them, and can provide useful information, it’s worth the time to find out. So, I know we are best to find a ship from Carthago to Narbo, in the south of Gaulia, travel by river and land across to the western side of Gaulia, and then travel up the coast, staying as close to shore as possible until we reach Civitus Namnotum. The hard part will be getting across the channel between Gaulia and Britannia. It’s a short distance, so they say, but a treacherous one. We should take ship with Britons rather than the Gauls, to cross the channel, as they know their currents better than any others.’

  ‘Are you sure we have places on this ship tomorrow?’

  ‘I’ll confirm that this afternoon when the Utica comes into port. But the agent seemed optimistic, as it’s late in the season for travellers. More risky. Although travel times can be faster with stiffer winds.’

  ‘It sounds frightening. How far from land will we be?’

  ‘On the trip south to Carthago, we’ll hug the coast and island hop. The furthest we’ll be from land is between Sicilia and Cathago. About a hundred miles. Only two days sail, so I’m told. Don’t worry, ships of all sizes traverse that stretch by the hundred.’

  She took this all in with far less fear than she would have a week ago. It was strange how traumatic events put everything else into perspective. A week ago, leaving home was the most traumatic event of her whole, protected life. Then she’d travelled through reclaimed marshes, hung on for dear life on the ship to Stabae, and escaped the eruption of Vesuvius. Maybe that was why travelling on the fishing boat that morning had seemed so pleasant. Not frightening at all. After everything else, it seemed inconsequential.

  Or she was still numb from the news of her father’s death.

  ‘How can so much have happened in less than two weeks? I feel as if the last weeks have been years. I can hardly recognise the girl I was back then. I think I’m stronger. Older.’

  ‘Less innocent, thanks to me,’ he said, with a scowl.

  She grinned. ‘That part is worth it. And the places we’ve seen. If you’d asked me a month ago if I would enjoy seeing the world, I would have said no. I would have parroted off my parents complaints about being away from home. But now I know I’m not my parents. I enjoy travelling. I enjoy seeing different places. I have memories now that will last a lifetime. And I’m looking forward to more.’

  Vali looked at her in amazement. ‘I’ve known a lot of women in my life, sweetling, but none who could adapt to change like you have. You should have been born a man. It would have suited you better.’

  She tipped her head to the side, letting her fair hair fall over her shoulder. ‘Are you sure you want me to be a boy?’

  He laughed out loud, in that free and easy way he’d come to use over the last weeks. ‘I wouldn’t prefer it, I just thought you might. I like you as a girl. I’ve never enjoyed taking males to bed.’

  She could tell the old tension was back when he mentioned the last. What had he been made to do by those other owners?

  ‘But you have taken them to bed.’ She knew it, even though she didn’t understand how it could be, given the difference in male and female bodies.

  ‘I was lucky that I was enslaved after puberty, and when I’d grown big. So the kind of men who like boys weren’t interested in me. I was always bought by women… but some of them had men they wanted to influence, for one reason or another. My second mistress had a husband who couldn’t get aroused unless there was a male in bed with his wife. I had to ready him, so he could take her. They wanted children. As soon as she was with child, I was sold.’

  He dropped into a moody silence for several minutes, and she let him, aware that they were in territory she had no inkling of. Lying back on the grass, Vali stared up at the cloudless blue sky above them. It seemed so close, she felt she could reach out and touch it.

  ‘The worst was Marcia. She brokered me to men who enjoyed being dominated. Powerful men in weak bodies. To get me to perform I was given aphrodisiacs and a lot of alcohol. Luckily, I don’t remember much of it. It’s just a blur. But after a while, there was nothing she could do to get me aroused. So she sold me. After that, servicing an old hag was like Elysium to me.’

  ‘Is that why you called yourself a dog?’ Her voice was so soft she wondered if he heard her.

  ‘Yeah, part of it. Like a cur. But that’s not what I enjoyed. The worst was when I enjoyed it.’

  ‘Like?’ she pressed.

  ‘Like you don’t want to know, sweetling. If I can’t live with what I did, you surely can’t. Let it go. Accept that I’m a sick bastard, not fit to lick the mud from your feet.’

  She leaned in so that her face blocked his view of the sky. Her eyes meshed with his so he couldn’t look away.

  ‘If you can’t live with what you did, it means you have a conscience. If you have a conscience, then how can you see yourself as less than human? Do you think a dog feels guilty about the things it does, feels self- loathing for it? No. And you did what you were ordered to do.’

  He wrapped his hands in her hair and shifted so fast it took her breath away. One moment she was on top, the next she was under him, her hair held so tightly in his fists it hurt.

  ‘When you hate someone so much that hurting them in pleasurable, then you’re sick.’ He breathed into her ear, his words bitten off, one at a time, like angry chunks of raw meat. ‘When you’re pushed so far that you drive into a passage that’s too tight it hurts, but you do it anyway, because it hurts her more. Until she bleeds. And you don’t stop until she’s taken all of you and you fill her up with your release. And she’s crying with pain and pleasure. Beaten but triumphant. And I’m instantly hard again because the fury is so great…that she could be the one triumphant after the pain I’d inflicted… And I drive into her again, as I wrap my hands around her neck, and squeeze… until she comes so hard she passes out from it all… And she wins… again.’

  With certainty, Lara knew that the woman he described was her mother. And she was appalled. Not with him. Never with him. But with her mother, for pushing him to such extremes. To such violence. For making him see himself that way. He wasn’t sick like Publius or her mother. He didn’t enjoy hurting anyone, under normal circumstances. The violence she drew out of him was his darkness. And everyone had darkness inside them somewhere, along with the light. Most people just never got pushed to unleash the dark, so it stayed hidden. She wasn’t sure how she knew that, but she did.

  ‘You and Ninia have been so damaged by my family. I’m so sorry.’ She leaned up, straining against the tight grip he had on her hair, and kissed his cheek, letting her lips rest there for several seconds before drawing away.

  ‘It doesn’t make you sick to think of me doing that?’ His eyes were troubled, as if he couldn’t understand her at all.

  ‘It makes me sick that you we
re driven to do that. Like I felt sick when I was forced to watch Publius hurt Ninia. Your fury was understandable. You fought back in the only way you could. I feel sick that it was my mother who did that to you. That something of her might be in me, somewhere. If she could pass her insanity on to Publius, and to a lesser degree Annia, doesn’t that mean there is some of her madness in me, too?’

  He released her hair and stroked her cheeks instead. ‘There is nothing of her in you. Nothing! Never even think that!’

  When he kissed her, it was tender and protective, as if he was trying to reassure her with his lips that his words were true. She let him. It was better for him to be worried about her doubts than to wallow in his own self-loathing.

  They returned to the marketplace to gather what they would need for their journey: thin folding mattresses filled with fresh hay, a strip of waterproof canvas with eyelets, and rope to attach it to whatever was available to them, and a large wicker basket in which to store supplies for several days.

  As the sun began to dip into the sea, they made their way back down to the harbour in search of the Utica. Luckily, it had just finished unloading, and the ship’s master had time to talk to them. His accent was heavy, but Vali understood him easily enough. Yes, he had space for two more. The cost? One hundred and forty five denarii each, paid when they boarded at sunrise.

  The deal done, they returned to their accommodation to await the new day.

  Paestum LUCANIA

  The two tall men made their way along the beach as the sun set fire to the Tyrrhenian Sea. They had the look of ruffians, hard edged and wolf eyed. One had a long scar that ran from eyebrow to chin in an angry ark. His companion had two fingers missing off his left hand. They were the type of men others would cross the road to avoid. The type of men you tried never to make eye contact with.