Tales From a Second Hand Wand Shop
Book 1:
They Were the Best of Gnomes
They Were the Worst of Gnomes
Any similarities between the characters in this book and persons living or dead (or undead) is purely coincidental. The author has made an effort to avoid using the names of real places or businesses in his story. Again, similarities with like-named businesses or places is coincidental. It would also be disturbing.
No animals were harmed in the writing of this book.
Copyright 2012
Written by Robert P. Wills
Illustrated by Rio Taylor
For my father- David W. Wills
Thanks to Mary Grace, Donna Allen, and the talented Krystal Urban- for their editing assistance
Also I would like to thanks the talented Chance for his excellent cover work.
Find his music at www.mynameischance.com
Grimbledung and Drimblerod -Fast Friends
Tea Time...The Gnomes sat down at the table- Rat already had half a scone in his mouth. “Hungry?” Asked Drimblerod, “Those constant naps do take a toll, don’t they?” Rat continued to chew as he reached for his cup. He gave Drimblerod a glance with his good eye as he sipped his coffee. Wordlessly he went back to work on the scone. He would banter and bicker later; now Rat was concentrating on his scones and Gnollish Dark Blend® coffee. Serious business, that.
Downstairs, the bell above the front door jingled. Grimbledung frowned, “Stupid door! I’ll go shoo them off and make sure it’s locked this time.” Teatime overrode any profit making tendencies the Gnomes had. Grimbledung bounded down the stairs and was greeted by two Half-Orcs. One looked familiar. The other was probably from the same litter. Its brother perhaps? Suddenly a lantern went off in Grimbledung’s head. “Pike, nice to see you again,” he said cheerily. Shooing Half-Orcs was dangerous business; teatime may override profits but self-preservation was always at the top of the list. “What brings you around?” At tea time he thought.
“Hullo,” began Pike, “You tell Pike come back with mate sometime.” He smiled with sharp, jagged teeth. “This her.” He jabbed a thick thumb at the female. Just his pointed thumbnail was longer than the entire of Grimbledung’s thumb.
Female? Suddenly, a many-legged a many-hairy-legged creature ran up Grimbledung’s spine- he was overtaken by the Heebie-Jeebies. “Gah!” Came out before he could stop it. “Nice to meet you,” followed (fortunately) close behind. Suddenly, not in control of his senses he heard himself continue, “Want to join us upstairs for tea?”
“Sure?” Offered the Female. She had never been invited for tea. Or anywhere for that matter- Half-Orcs were notorious Crashers. That was probably why no one bothered to invite them; they showed up anyway.
The many-hairy-legged creature continued up Grimbledung’s spine, into his ear and somehow made it to his belly. It joined several butterflies who were already engaged in a lively dance. “Bah, bah, bah” stuttered Grimbledung (in time with the beat in his belly no less). Tea with a couple of Half-Orcs. Drimblerod would not be pleased. There was a bright side after all! With the biggest smile he could manage, he continued, “Come on up. You can sit next to Drim, Missus Pike.”
Chapter One It’s All Downhill From Here
Chapter Two Wherein Grimbledung and Drimblerod Meet
Chapter Three Wherein Grimbledung and Drimblerod Come to an Agreement
Chapter Four Wherein Grimbledung Closes his Shoppe (which is, in fact, a wagon)
Chapter Five Wherein Drimblerod Prepares for His New Partner
Chapter Six Wherein Grimbledung Tours Second Hand Sorcery
Chapter Seven Wherein Grimbledung receives His First (and Last) Psychotic Reading
Chapter Eight Wherein Grimbledung Officially Moves In
Chapter Nine Wherein the Gnomes Begin Their First Day as Partners
Chapter Ten Wherein Grimbledung Sells His First Wand (in the shop)
Chapter Eleven Wherein Grimbledung Makes His First Bribe (in the shop)
Chapter Twelve Wherein Grimbledung Gets Some Pointers on Wand Sales
Chapter Thirteen Wherein Grimbledung has a Grand Idea
Chapter Fourteen Wherein Grimbledung Almost Starves to Death
Chapter Fifteen Wherein the Gnomes Make a New Partner
Chapter Sixteen Wherein Grimbledung has Another (Great) Idea
Chapter Seventeen Wherein the Gnomes Make an Offer to Nulu
Chapter Eighteen Wherein Grimbledung Explains His Condition
Chapter Nineteen Wherein Grimbledung Begins Work on the Gatherer Division Sign
Chapter Twenty Wherein Drimblerod Tends to Customers Until the Sign is Ready. Kind Of.
Chapter Twenty (Part Two) Wherein the Sign is -Almost- Ready
Chapter Twenty-One Wherein Drimblerod Explains the Difference Between Magicians and Wizards
Chapter Twenty (Part Three) Wherein Grimbledung Finishes the Sign
Chapter Twenty-Two Wherein Grimbledung Takes the Sign to the Haberdashery
Chapter Twenty-Three Wherein Rat Tells Grimbledung’s Secret
InTerN Mission
Chapter Twenty-Four Wherein Grimbledung Witnesses a Robbery
Chapter Twenty-Five Wherein Grimbledung Foils a Robbery
Chapter Twenty-Six Wherein the First Volunteers for the Gatherers Division are Recruited
Chapter Twenty-Six and a Half Wherein Marjory and Spitz are Discussed
Chapter Twenty-Seven Wherein the Constable Arrives at the Shop
Chapter Twenty-Eight Wherein the Magician’s Guild Pays an Unexpected Visit
Chapter Twenty-Eight and a Half Wherein Semfeld and Liverioso Deal With Their Fate
Chapter Twenty-Nine Wherein Gnomes Decide to Visit the Local Wizarding School
Chapter Twenty-Nine (Interlude) Wherein Big Julie’s Ascension -Crime Lord to Franchise Owner
Chapter Twenty-Nine (Reliquume) Wherein the Gnomes and Big Julie Discuss Business
(part of) Chapter Thirty Wherein Julie Gives the Gnomes (and Rat) a Tour of the School
(more of) Chapter Thirty Wherein Julie Continues to Give the Gnomes (and Rat) a Tour of the School
(the rest of) Chapter Thirty Wherein Julie, the Gnomes and Rat Finish the Tour and Eat Lunch
Chapter Thirty-One Wherein the Gnomes Return to the Shop. And Grimbledung is killed
Chapter Thirty-Two(ish) Wherein Akita Disposes Grimbledung’s Body
(some of) Chapter-Thirty Two Wherein Grimbledung’s Body Arrives At Prost Garrison
(the rest of) Chapter-Thirty Two Wherein Grimbledung is Kicked Out of Prost Garrison.
Chapter Thirty-Three Wherein Gatherer Division Wands Unfortunately Do Not Begin to Arrive
Chapter Thirty-Four Wherein Grimbledung Goes Searching for Wands but Finds Halflings
The rest of Chapter Thirty-Three Wherein Gatherer Division Wands Do Not Begin to Arrive
Chapter Thirty-Five-Just because we figured there should be one
Chapter Thirty-Six Wherein Gatherer Division Wands Actually Do Begin to Arrive
The Very Last Bit of Chapter Thirty-Six - Really-
Chapter Thirty-Seven Wherein the Obligatory Bar Room Brawl Occurs
Chapter Thirty-Eight Wherein Semfeld and Liverioso Return...soon after Garibaldis does.
Chapter Thirty-Nine Wherein the First Annual Jamboree is Set up
Chapter Forty Wherein the First Annual Jamboree Begins
Chapter Forty-One Wherein During
First Annual Jamboree Becomes the Great Fire of 978
Chapter Forty-Two Wherein The Gnomes, Nulu, Dummy, and Rat Make Their Way to Big Julie
Chapter Forty-Three Wherein Grimbledung is Forgiven By Everyone
Chapter Forty-Four InTerN Mission; Failure
Chapter Forty-Five Wherein the Group Arrives at Displane’s School for Young Wizards and Witches
About the Author
About the Illustrator
Chapter One
It’s All Downhill From Here
“So the plan is set?” Asked the Grizzled Old Warrior. “Do we finally attack tomorrow morning?”
The ten other generals at the table nodded. There were several races represented around the table along with the Human warrior; Half-Orc, Troll, and Halflings. There were more Halflings than the others combined. It was their plan after all; the others were being paid for their participation.
The leader of the group, a Halfling, banged the hilt of his sword on the table. “Yes, the plan is set,” he said to the grizzled warrior, “you’re to march tomorrow and take Aution.” He looked around the table, “You all have your orders. Now go execute them.” He narrowed his beady eyes, “Or we’ll be the ones doing the executing.”
The others at the table all stood hurriedly. Even on their best days, Halflings were unpredictable, unruly, and unforgiving. The ‘three u’s’ as they were called. When Halflings didn’t get their way, the ‘u’s’ became capitalized and an exclamation point was added. For good reason.
As the others left the room, one of the Halfling generals approached the leader who was still seated at his massive, ornately decorated chair. It was on the verge of being a throne. “Lord High Priest, are you sure we can trust some of these warriors we’ve hired for this mission?”
The Lord High Priest of the Great Halfling Empire looked at his general. He narrowed his eyes, “What?” He said coolly.
The General fidgeted; he was in dangerous territory; questioning the LHP. “The plan is an excellent plan and is sure to work out in the end. It is just that I don’t trust these Tallers (a derogatory term Halflings use for anyone taller than them) to get the job done.”
“I don’t trust them to be able to find their own noses with the lights on. But they don’t have to be successful in their mission for ours to be.” The LHP stared at his General for a moment. “Are you done questioning my plan, or is there more you want to discuss?”
The general’s eyes grew wide, “No, Lord High Priest, Sir. I am sorry to have bothered you!” He gulped as he bowed deeply, “I will leave you to your masterful planning.”
The Lord High Priest chuckled. “Now, now, General. Take it easy. You don’t get into a position like mine by not listening to your subordinates.” The General visibly relaxed so he continued, “So go get your Halflings ready for our glorious, unabashedly successful part in this campaign.”
The General bowed again and then smiled, “Thank you Sir, I’m glad you feel that way.”
As the General turned to leave, the Lord High Priest lifted his sword (which he was still holding by the blade because he had had been using it like a gavel) and smashed the general on the head with it. The General collapsed in a heap.
“Conscripts!”
Within moments, two Halflings appeared. “Yes, Lord High Priest?” They asked in unison.
Without even looking at them (they were conscripts after all) the LHP commanded, “Take the general to the Half Orc encampment. Tell them he’s for the kitchen.”
“As a cook?” One asked, confused.
“Not exactly.” The Lord High Priest smiled in an Unforgiving! and Unpredictable! manner. “I have seen the future and we are guaranteed absurdly overwhelming success. He flipped the sword around and caught it by the hilt. He pointed it at one of the conscripts. “Nothing will stand in our way. Nothing.”
Chapter Two
Wherein Grimbledung and Drimblerod Meet
Grimbledung crested the hill on a cloudy, yet still bright and crisp fall afternoon. He gazed at the carnage below. There was a lot of it. That was what weeks of battle left behind. That, and profit. And honestly, a little bit of stench.
Red and yellow flowers -still in bloom even as the leaves hinted at changing colors- carpeted the fields before him. Above, hundreds of birds caught the breeze and flew in lazy circles- mostly crows but some vultures and eagles. Very soon, if his experiences with such events held true, vultures would outnumber the other birds three to one.
Flash! Staff in hand, he continued down the hill. The Flash! Staff was more of a precaution than a walking aid; one never knew when a merely comatose fighter would come-to and think the battle was still raging. The solid wood staff was topped with a Power Orb imbued with particularly powerful Lumens! Spell. As mandated by local ordinance, it was the exclamation point that denoted the ‘particularly powerful’ as opposed to ‘regular strength’ version of the spell. A sharp knock – in this case by rapping the staff on the ground- fired the always loaded spell. It was not bright enough to cause permanent damage (that would require two exclamation points) but would cause everyone nearby to see blue and purple spots for about three minutes. This was plenty of time for Grimbledung to affect what he called a Tactical Flanking Maneuver. Witnesses described it as ‘running away flailing like a scared six-year-old girl’. Elvin – Elfin was Grimbledung’s opinion on the matter. As he went down the hill, Grimbledung absently swung the staff at a passing crow. It had seemed to take a dive at Grimbledung as if to get a better look at him. Odd. Surprised he connected; he looked wide-eyed at the careening bird. The subsequent Flash! made him sit for a full three minutes.
Drimblerod saw the flash (he was unsure of its potency) from across the valley. A glint off a soldier’s shield? A quick glance at the cloudy sky and that hope was gone. Another gatherer. Most looters took items that could be stored and sold easily; swords, daggers, shields and such. Wands did not fit into either the ‘store’ or ‘sell easily’ category. Drimblerod was a Gatherer. Wands were his specialty and Drimblerod knew that many a variety of wands could be had after an extensive battle. Usually Dispellers (against other magic), Incinerators (used by cooks), Levitators (used by the weak, lazy, or crafty- depending on the point of view)), and Nudgers (used by hack Magicians) were fairly common. Above these, Repellers were the prize wand to find. Before large battles, squads of men would pool their salary to hire Wizards or (if no Wizards were available) Sorcerers to accompany them. Magicians were a distant third.
Sorcerers drew from the magical forces in the ground – they called it What’s This? to create spells. The problem with this was that with a large number of Sorcerers tapping the What’s This? in a particular area, it would run out fairly quickly. Anything over a week and the landscape would be leeched dry. Then the Sorcerers, with their No Refund policy enforced by the local union who one did not want to cross, would all go scampering away in a much more dignified manner than a six-year-old girl. But not by much.
Magicians were hardly considered when life and death were on the line; Wizards were the way to go. Day after day, week after week, they would blast away with a wand or two. Even if you had to tie them to their mount, spoon feed them, and occasionally change their breeches, they would stick to their task. As far as pricing, a soldier’s life was literally decided by the haggling. Wizards who commanded a silver coin a day usually carried an assortment of wands to include Dispellers, Levitators, and an Incinerator along with a Nudger. After all, no one wanted to be turned into a newt, have to carry their own gear, or worse- go without a hot dinner! Even so, Wizards with Nudger wands were often frowned upon however, because a Nudger Wand merely affected the trajectory of an incoming catapult round or ballista bolt. Those to the front, rear, and flanks usually lost patience with a Nudge Wand Wielding Wizard rather quickly. This often caused an event called “Blue on Blue” by the Officers, and was very much discouraged. Loudly. Non-judicial punishment often followed the loud scolding.
It was the Wizard
who could wield a Repeller Wand that received four or five silver coins a day. Unlike the weaker Nudging wand, Repellers sent a projectile back along its original trajectory- or at least a close approximation of it. Once it was over enemy ranks, no one faulted a wizard on where exactly a returning projectile landed. Officers liked seeing Repeller Wands because they kept the battle just like the field scroll said it should be; Blue on Red[1] .
Drimblerod had already picked up a fair assortment of ordinary wands and was presently searching in Earnest for costlier wands. No such luck Drimblerod rolled the soldier back onto his shield, just below the scratched in ‘0743-Earnest’. “Better luck next time,” Drimblerod said as he patted the dead soldier’s back, “you should have sprung for a Repeller.” He brushed off his hands and drew his Dragon Spine Wand. Short at about seven inches (it was originally just the very tip of a Dragon’s tail) it was still a formidable wand with a wide array of offensive, defensive and Precursor spells. Often used for bluster, Precursor spells let those nearby know that powerful, potentially hazardous spell was about to be cast. Effects such as gathering storm clouds, lightning bolts, or even vortexes of various colors of light from the end of a wand were common Precursor spells.
The Precursor spell of choice for Drimblerod was ‘The Crossbow’. There were no atmospheric effects or lightshows- just a simple sound; “Ka Clack”. It was the sound made by pulling the charging handle on a crossbow “Ka,” and the string dropping into the trigger release under great tension “Clack”. It was a universal sound which transcended language and race. Everyone everywhere had heard this sound at one point or another. These were, after all dangerous times. In fact, nothing sent a shiver up the back of an after- hours intruder like “Ka-Clack” breaking the still of the night. When faced with a group bent on redistributing Drimblerod’s wealth among themselves, the sound would usually give the band of ne’er-do-wells pause. Unfortunately, Drimblerod had learned that a well-placed warning shot was also sometimes necessary to bring the point home.
They Were The Best of Gnomes, They Were The Worst of Gnomes (Tales From a Second-Hand Wand Shop Book 1) Page 1