Fine, fine. Then get to work!” Barked Colonel Humongous. “DIS ...” He stopped himself as he almost committed a breach of military etiquette. “As you were,” he ordered.
And they were.
The Colonel began again, “A - ten ... SHUN!” He barked. The group stopped their fidgeting and stood rock still. “Right, right,” said Colonel Humungous, “DIS ... missed!”
The Corporal turned to the Halfling next to him. “Gigantus,” he said, “I want you to take half the men and form your own squad. We’re going to split our forces. You’re going to get the north side of town, and we’ll get the south side.”
“Yes, Corporal,” said the Halfling as he saluted.
“When we get to the middle of town, The List should be completed.”
“Yes, Corporal,” said the Halfling again as he stood arrow straight (albeit 2 7/8 feet tall).
The Corporal exhaled angrily. “Stop that. If you’re taking half the force, then you are going to be a Corporal too.”
“Yes, Corporal Colossus,” said the Halfling (he hadn’t been promoted yet).
“Attention troop!” Said Corporal Colossus loudly, “I hereby bestow a portion of my rank on now-Corporal Gigantus, with all the power, prestige, and pompousness it entails!”
“Here, here!” Said the Halflings in unison.
With that Corporal Colossus snorted deeply then spat on Gigantus’ chest.
“Here, here!” Said the Halflings again.
“Thanks, Colossus,” said Corporal Gigantus. Promotion ceremonies were quick and easy in the Halfling Army. Demotions were also quick. Albeit messier. “Take half the men and swing out wide around Aution to enter from the north side of town. Don’t get too close to Prost Garrison patrols, but make sure you keep a low profile both outside and inside town.”
“Got it,” said Corporal Gigantus, “I’ll see you in the middle of the town.” With that, he moved down the rank, slapping half a score of the Halflings in the face. Hard. “Let’s go, Halflings!” He said as he got to the end of the rank. Dutifully, the Halflings with a reddened cheek moved to follow him.
Corporal Colossus faced the remaining force. “We’re going to give them a couple of three days to get in position so we’ll hunker down here while we wait. Get your gear cleaned up and ready to go.” The Halflings all nodded. Several smiled. The Corporal pointed a menacing finger at the soldiers, “And no impalings.”
Again, the Halflings nodded. This time several frowned.
Chapter Twenty Four
Wherein Grimbledung Witnesses a Robbery
Grimbledung stepped out onto the street around, or more precisely, under Nulu. The door clacked shut behind her. Grimbledung inhaled deeply the fresh afternoon air. Things were finally going well. He was mostly in control of his facilities and hadn’t had an outburst in a while. At least a Pixie-caused outburst, he mused. Gnomes were often prone to outbursts without any outside aid. Several weeks had passed and there were more coins in his accounts (bank and mattress) than he had had in decades. Sourly, he felt he was still remiss in the carousing category- which he definitely wanted to discuss with Drimblerod. What good were coins in the bank if you couldn’t take some down to the Mora Tau Bar and BAR and spend it on one of the doxies there?
Ahhh, the Mora Tau Bar and BAR, Grimbledung reminisced- founded by Palmerlee Greggs, a retired sailor who had had his fill of adventures, cursed diamonds, and voodoo vixens[12] . The establishment was set up with two distinct levels- on the street level was the Bar where drinks flowed freely and it was fairly well lit. Nice, sturdy furniture and comfortable chairs where one could sit and drink the night away. Even so, it was not a family establishment by any means, yet still allowed for a less rough and tumble crowd; social drinkers, pensioners, and haughty near-nobles. This was also where people could, with very little coaxing, get a story of high adventure out of old Palmerlee. In the cellar was the BAR, with dim lighting, spindly wood furniture (less lethal if used as weapons), and of course, the Doxies who would lead you to the second floor of the establishment. That was where Grimbledung often would spend his time. The basement, that is. He inhaled deeply again as he continued the few steps down the boardwalk to the other store. Smiling, he peered into the storefront window of Pozzuoli’s Haberdashery.
Grimbledung did a jig, arms flapping wildly above his head. There were two youthful looking humans speaking with Larry the sign.
One was nodding, the other, hands in his pockets, seemed to be listening intently. Grimbledung leaned and put an ear against the glass.
“… sure. There is FORTUNE to be had. That is surely true,” explained Larry the sign. “Why, there are wands just laying around waiting to be picked up and brought in for cold hard coins. When you find them, bring them to the Wand Shoppe right next door and they will buy them from you. Since you get them for free. It is pure profit.”
“But what if we can’t find any wands?” Asked the Human with his hands in his pockets. “Then what do we do?”
Larry the sign considered this. “Of that I have no idea. That did not come up while I was being conjured by Grimbledung. I imagine you would just do what you were normally going out into the Wilds for.”
“But we were going out to find our fortune,” said the other Human. “I’m not so sure this is a good idea,” he lamented to his partner. “I don’t even know where to start looking.” He winked and moved off to peruse the shelves, leaving his friend to deal with the Dwarf who approached them.
“Howsabout you start by buying something that you are gonna need when you are out doing the Adventuring?” Scowled Pozzuoli. “The adventurer, he need-a good strong backpack to hold all the gold. Yes? Whad-aya gonna do without a good backpack? Carry your stuff in you a-pockets?”
“I suppose we need a backpack. What do you have for two copper pieces?” Asked the Human.
“Two copper pieces? I say you a-use your pockets to carry your stuff because you can-a afford anything else! Two copper pieces, he says,” he said to no one in particular, “he comes with two copper pieces! I sell him a bucket for that. He can hold it on-a stick.” He waved his hands in the air above his head. Then he pantomimed walking with a stick over his shoulder- ostensibly with a bucket on its end. “What-a you say to that?”
“I suppose a bucket will do,” said the hand-pocketed Human. “For two coppers, will you give us some rope to tie the bucket to the stick?”
“A bucket, she is not enough? Now you wanna piece of rope?” Cried Pozzuoli. “They are trying to ruin me. Rope costs money you know. Money! No one says to me, hey Pozzuoli, here is some rope. You can-a have it for free.” He clasped his hands in front of him, “Free rope you say?”
“It would be nice” replied the Human. “Just a little bit I think would be enough.”
Grimbledung alternated between pressing his hear against the glass to hear and turning his head to watch. In between the two he did a little jig. The sign idea was on the verge of working! He thought gleefully. Passersby gave him a wide birth.
“OK. So it’s a deal. A bucket and a little bit of rope for two copper pieces,” said the Human hopefully. “Would you consider throwing in a blanket maybe? Because you’re good hearted?”
“Pozzuoli is good hearted, that is true” began Pozzuoli in a sincere voice, “but the Mamma Pozzuoli, she is not good hearted. She hit Pozzuoli in the head when he give things away. I canna take so much hitting in the head! Already, I give you the rope. That gonna get me wacked!” Again, he raised his hands in the air and waved them about. The Pixies, afraid the game “Flick the Glass” was about to begin, started flittering within their jars.
“Fine, sir. We’ll take the bucket then. And a small piece of rope. A scrap even,” agreed the Human. “I’d hate to see you hit because of us. My partner has the two copper coins. He gets to carry the money because he’s more trustworthy than I am.” He winked mischievously.
The other human whispered into Pozzuoli’s ear, “Much more trustworthy.”
Pozz
uoli jumped in surprise. “That no a-funny! Sneaking up on Pozzuoli like that. That’s how you get blasted.” He scolded as he pulled the Human around in front of him by his ear. He patted the Human’s cheek, “You two, I a-like you two.” He winked at the Human, “I give you the blanket, just don’t tell the Mamma Pozzuoli. S’okay?”
“Yes, sir. I won’t tell a soul,” agreed the other Human. He reached into his pocket and pulled out two dingy, battered copper pieces. “Here you go, Mister Pozzuoli.”
“Where you get these, from under a heap of dead Orcs?” Asked Pozzuoli as he examined the beaten coins. “You boys really need to make some new money, eh? Maybe you take the sign’s advice, No?” Pozzuoli moved behind the counter and picked up a bucket. He dumped the trash from it and handed it to the human. “Here is the bucket. No charge for emptying it!” He pulled some twine from under the counter and dropped it in the bucket as well. He came around the counter and handed the bucket to the less trustworthy Human. “You hold this. I hear you no so trustworthy. This way you no pick anything up on your way outta the store.” Pozzuoli winked. “I joke with you!” He slapped the Human’s cheek. “Hah!”
Pozzuoli led the two to the door, taking a small detour to a pile of blankets. He took two and stuffed them into the bucket. “You each get one, yes?” He considered his gift. “Unless you boys only need-a one?”
“No, no. Two is great. We’re close, but not that close,” said the more trustworthy Human. “Thanks very much for your kindness, good Dwarf. We will definitely do all our business here.”
“Bring back a-new money, eh?”
“Sure thing.” The human replied as Pozzuoli ushered them out the door into the dancing Grimbledung.
“Have fun boys. Adventure good and come back with the shiny coins!” Said Pozzuoli as he closed the door.
Grimbledung appraised the two Humans. Definitely adventurers and definitely in need of extra coins. Perfect to be in the Gathering Brigade. He stopped his jig to speak to them.
“What’d we get?” Said the first Human, “besides that stupid bucket and blankets. It sure took you long enough. I was running out of things to say in there.”
“Relax Danny,” said the second Human, “I got a backpack, a shovel, a bulls- eye lantern, some real rope” he said as he peered into the Bag of Holding sewn into his pocket. “And let’s see…” he rummaged around in it, “I think the other stuff is from the other store.” The contents of the bag clattered and banged as he pushed them around, “No wait, I also got a coffee pot and a caldron.” He looked up and smiled.
“Not bad, Peachey,” said Danny, “not bad at all. I ah ...” He finally noticed Grimbledung who was standing in front of him and Peachey. “Can I help you?”
“So you just robbed that guy?” Asked Grimbledung. “Right under his nose?” The two looked at each other then back at Grimbledung. “We don’t know what you’re talking about” said Danny coolly. “We paid for our bucket and got the other stuff as a gift.”
“Yeah,” agreed Peachey. “That’s our story and we’ll stick to it. What business is it of yours?” He asked, becoming cross.
“Don’t worry; I don’t like that guy all too much. Take what you can from him. I was wondering if you were going to do what that sign suggested in there.”
“That’s our next stop,” said Danny. “We should be able to lift a couple of wands from there without any trouble at all.” He winked at Grimbledung. “Especially if that shop owner is as easily distracted as the Dwarf was.” He jerked his thumb over his shoulder at Pozzuoli’s shop. “Let’s go check it out.” He said as he pushed his way past Grimbledung. Peachey pushed him back the other way has he fell in step beside his partner.
Grimbledung watched as the two walked down to his shop and entered it. Fuming, he drew his wand and followed behind them. He stopped to listen at the door.
“...and that’s when I learned I was lactose intolerant,” Grimbledung heard Rat say.
“Welcome, travelers.” Grimbledung heard his partner say, “What are you looking for today?”
“The sign next door said to stop by here. Something about being deputized,” said Peachey. “Ahh. Do you work here too?” Grimbledung heard one of them ask.
“No, I have my own place across the street if you get thirsty,” Nulu told the human. She brushed her hands off, “Well, I’ll let you boys get back to work.” She moved to the door and pulled it open, stepping out she knocked Grimbledung flat on his back. Her momentum took her out the shop and the door dutifully closed behind her. “What are you doing Grim?” Realizing he had been listening to the door, she panicked. “How long have you been listening?” She asked. This blowout could be the biggest yet. Nulu noticed that Grimbledung had his wand out as he got to his feet and brushed himself off. His face was pure rage. “Why don’t you put that wand away, and we’ll talk” she offered.
“Outta my way, Nulu!” Said Grimbledung, a stern look on his face. “I need to get in there. Now.” He stepped forward.
Nulu blocked his way. “Maybe we should talk first. Once you put that wand away. Then we can talk. Then you can go in the shop. After we talk.”
Grimbledung raised his wand, aiming it at Nulu’s chest. “Let me in there! I’m going to KILL those two!” He hopped back and forth from foot to foot, but there was not a single measure of jest in it.
Nulu backed up to block the door, keeping her eyes on the wand. Its tip was glowing a fierce red like the end of a fat cigar. There was no telling what spell was going to come out of it and she didn’t want to find out. “Grim, we all care for you and have your best interest in mind. I can’t let you go in there and do something you’re going to regret.” She said sternly. “Just hand me the wand and let’s talk this through like adults.”
Grimbledung’s nostrils flared, his eyes watered and he began to drool slightly. “Either you get outta my way, Nulu, or you’re going to be a widow!”
Nulu blinked at Grimbledung. “What?” Then she decided to stall for time to let the tantrum pass, “I don’t understand. How could I be a widow if I’m not married?”
Grimbledung howled “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING! Now get out of my way before there’s some real trouble in the shop!”
Nulu decided on the direct approach since the wand’s tip was now dripping what appeared to be lava. “Rat only did what he thought was best. He was looking out for your best interests. So was Drimblerod. So was I. Because we care about you, you silly Gnome!”
“What’s Rat got to do with it?” Asked Grimbledung, the end of his wand was now dribbling globs of lava onto the street.
“What?”
“What?”
“Rat told us about...” She stopped and considered her line of thought. Something wasn’t right. “What are you talking about, Grim? What’s got you all upset?”
“Those two just robbed Pazoolie’s shop and now they’re robbing OURS!” Grimbledung advanced with the wand. “AND I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU’RE KEEPING ME OUT OF THERE WHEN I CAN STOP THEM!”
Chapter Twenty Five
Wherein Grimbledung Foils a Robbery
“Robbing the store?” Nulu’s nostrils flared and her biceps bulged. She spun on her heels, “Open up Door!” She roared as she charged ahead with Grimbledung and his wand, literally hot on her heels. The door clattered open and the two burst into the shop like a tidal wave.
Because of the speed of their entry, for the briefest of moments, no one in the store paid either of them any attention. Rat was busily eating another piece of bread while Drimblerod spoke with the less trustworthy of the two Humans – Danny - while the other stood near a display shelf with his hands in his pockets.
“Nobody move!” Said Nulu as she grabbed Peachey, hands still in his pockets and picked him off the ground with a speed that someone her size should never - without the aid of magic at least- have.
Grimbledung moved past her, wand leaving scorch marks on the floor where it dripped lava. Rat turned and gaped, his one good eye wide in
terror. Drimblerod looked where the floor was scorched to the foundation. Danny still had not looked back. “Look out! He’s on a rampage and he’s taking Nulu with him!” Warned Rat as he twisted gracefully and fell behind the counter. From Rat’s point of view, Nulu was holding the hapless customer up as a shield between herself and Grimbledung. It was an uncharacteristic move, but honestly, one of very few options available in the shoppe.
Grimbledung pointed the wand at the back of Danny’s head. The smell of burning hair wafted through the shop. “Don’t. You. Move. A. Muscle.”
“Grim! What are you doing?” Wailed Drimblerod. “These are customers and they want to join the Gathering Division!” He started to come around the counter and tripped on Rat who was cowering where he had landed.
Grimbledung looked down where Drimblerod’s head was sticking out from behind the counter. “Stay down!” He commanded. Danny twirled around and swung a round house punch with all his might at shoulder level. It would have caught a human sized target squarely in the face. It passed right over Grimbledung’s head. His swing took him around so that his side was exposed to Grimbledung who promptly jabbed him in the ribs with his molten hot wand. “Take that, thief! Rob from ME will you?”
Danny dropped in a heap, hand going to his side. He pulled them away looking for blood but the wound was neatly cauterized. Still it felt as if he were stuck clean through. Because he had been. He let out a wail of pain and promptly fainted.
Drimblerod crawled out from behind the counter on all fours. “What is going on?” He demanded.
Grimbledung ignored his partner and spun on Peachey, still held fast by Nulu with his feet off the ground. He struggled hopelessly against Nulu’s hands as his face turned blue. Nulu’s bulging arms showed why he was no longer able to breathe. “Let him get some air, Nulu. I wanna ... talk to him.” Said Grimbledung menacingly.
Peachey’s eyes grew wide as he drew in a breath and realized that he was still trapped and facing a berserking Gnome. “This is all a case of mistaken identity, good Gnome,” began Peachey. He recognized the Gnome in front of him. “Oh no, not you!” He began to squirm in Nulu’s grasp then began to turn blue again as she tightened her hands.
They Were The Best of Gnomes, They Were The Worst of Gnomes (Tales From a Second-Hand Wand Shop Book 1) Page 15