They Were The Best of Gnomes, They Were The Worst of Gnomes (Tales From a Second-Hand Wand Shop Book 1)

by Robert P. Wills

  Grimbledung had taken to staring at the ceiling. “I’m sorry, Julie” he began.

  For a moment Julie thought the Gnome was going to apologize for his behavior. But that was not the case.

  “I just don’t see how that floor stays up there without any supports down here.” He stopped and stared up the middle staircase. “How do you work that?”

  “You’re teasing, right?” She asked. For the three years she had been working in the Gristmill, the open space had never given her pause. With only a brief encounter to judge him by, she was sure he was not the brains of the operation. If she were pinned down and had to make a hard choice, she would have said that it was Rat.

  Drimblerod shook his head. “You know; I have to agree with Grim on this. That’s some pretty fancy carpentry you have going on there.” He also had been looking up. It was both impressive and also disconcerting- the floor which should at any moment come crashing down- spanned a good fifty feet with all the supports seeming to meet at a central wooden ring which was not attached to anything. “What sort of magic are you using for that? You have a thousand Levitation Wands inlaid in the beams?” he guessed.

  The two of them were craning their heads back almost to the point of falling backwards. Even Rat took part. “I would say that it’s a Feather Spell that’s been cast on the wood so that it doesn’t fall under its own weight.”

  Julie looked up. “Ahhh. No. Not even close.”

  Grimbledung snapped his fingers. “The beams are cantilevered so all the weight’s being carried on the outside of the Windmill. Once I saw the Temple to Notra Dahm. It was like that. They said it was held up with butts.”

  “With you, it’s always about butts,” scolded Rat. “You need to get your mind out of the gutter.”

  “No really! That’s what they said. It was all butted and stressed! That’s what they said on the tour!” Countered Grimbledung angrily.

  None of the three had noticed that Julie had begun moving up the stairs. She had to take them sideways to make it up the tight spiral. Once she was half way up, she called over the railing, “The tour continues upstairs. Come up before you break your necks.”

  The three looked at each other embarrassed. “Move it Grim!” Commanded Rat. Grimbledung obliged by beating Drimblerod to the stairs. Quickly he raced up them but by the time he reached Julie she was already on the next level. He bent over, huffing and puffing, hands braced on his knees. Drimblerod appeared soon after, breathing hard as well. “How many floors are in this place?” Asked Rat since he was the only one not out of breath.

  “Three,” answered Julie. They were in a smaller version of the floor below except this room had thick wood beams evenly spaced out that ran from the floor upwards and into the ceiling.[19]

  There was still a sitting area but it was substantially smaller. The book cases were also shorter so that light could make it across the entire area. There were also fewer classrooms. As the structure went higher, it got narrower with a steeply pitched roof on the very top.

  “There are classrooms on this level and the one over it. The first floor you saw had fifteen classrooms. This one has eight. The next one up has three.” She leaned over the railing and peered up. Grimbledung did the same. “Up there is another floor with just one open classroom with a balcony that we use for levitation exercises, and above that a storage area.” She stopped leaning over the railing- even for her it was disconcerting. “Then above that,” she continued, “the Magicked gears that run the blades.” Even from the second floor, the staircase disappeared into the darkness. Grimbledung, still leaning over the railing and looking up, had a feeling of vertigo wash over him. Losing his balance, he reached out and grabbed Julie’s elbow to keep from falling over.

  “Don’t you dare fall on me Grim!” Warned Rat, who was holding onto Grimbledung’s ear for stability as the two leaned precariously over the railing.

  “Hey there!” Snapped Julie. “Watch the hands buster!”

  Grimbledung was definitely NOT holding onto Julie’s elbow.

  “Well, I’m dashed! Grim! Let go of Julie’s ...” He began. “Let go of Julie you fool Gnome!”

  His balance somewhat returning, Grimbledung turned to look at Julie and realized where he was holding. What he was holding. He let go as another wave of vertigo crashed over him like a cart load of Trolls. He teetered back over the railing. This time it was Julie who did the grabbing as she reached out and pulled Grimbledung back onto his feet by his jerkin. “Delberger’s Hand! Are you trying to get yourself killed?”

  “I.. I ... I” attempted Grimbledung. The stutters had arrived with a vengeance. He looked down and walked to the seating area. He flopped onto a well-worn Shambler leather wingback chair. “I need to sit a moment, I think,” he mumbled. He was flexing his hand open and closed as if it were numb.

  Rat hopped off Grimbledung’s shoulder, onto the arm of the chair, and then the carpeted floor. “I think I’ll walk from now on. So where’s the tour go from here Julie? Personally, I think it’s going down. Down like a mine basket overloaded with Dwarves.”

  Julie laughed. “I agree, Rat. Down it is. Follow me, Gents.” She said as she once again side-stepped down the stairs. Grimbledung made it a point to wait until Julie was well out of sight before following Drimblerod down the stairs.

  “This is a really nice main building you have here,” commented Rat, “and the out buildings are more classrooms and a dormitory, I imagine?”

  “Yep. That’s about the size of it,” said Julie. She was a little let down that it seemed the tour was being cut short; she was quite proud of the school.

  “Rat” scolded Drimblerod, “We are not skipping the rest of the tour just to fill your belly.”

  Rat matched Grimbledung and began to look intently at the floor.

  “I swear; I can’t take you two anywhere.” He turned to Julie, “Where to next? We need to get a feel for the place to have an idea of the kinds of wands you are going to need.” He glanced to the two, who were now examining a chair intently, in a louder voice he continued, “So we’ll have a good time on the tour and get something to eat later.” He waited for either of them to acknowledge him. Neither did. “I said” he began again, testily; “We are going to enjoy the tour and get something to eat afterwards.”

  “Does this mean someone’s going to carry me? I’d hate to faint.” Grimbledung silently reached down and picked up Rat and sat him back on his shoulder. “No more teetering,” warned Rat.

  Drimblerod exhaled slowly. “OK, Miss Julie. How about we see what some actual instructing in action.”

  Julie perked up. “Great! Let’s go to the sparring ring. We just got that set up. That’s a good place to watch the action up close and personal.” She walked to the main entrance. As she got to it, the doors opened. Both of them. Per her explicit instructions to the Gargoyle Brothers, both doors only opened for her; everyone else got one or the other. There was no pattern to which opened- it depended on which Gargoyle won Odds or Evens or whatever other bet had been made. “Thanks guys,” she said over her shoulder as she exited. Before the Gnomes got to the door, the one on the left closed quickly making them abruptly change course to weave out the open door on the right... They were, after all explicit instructions.

  (more of) Chapter Thirty

  Wherein Julie Continues to Give the

  Gnomes (and Rat) a Tour of the School

  Julie led the Gnomes behind the Gristmill to a cluster of buildings. As they walked out the doors, Drimblerod looked over his shoulder. The Gargoyles were now both looking in opposite directions. The entire area was paved with large blocks of sandstone; even in a downpour no student was in danger of tracking mud inside. All of the buildings were different sizes, but were painted the same traditional farmer-green with white trim. “We’ll eat in there” she pointed at the one that was, at one point a barn, “so we’ll do a loop around to it. Don’t worry, Rat” she looked at the rodent and smiled, “the food is really worth the wait. Th
e bottom floor is a full service Cafeteria with four of the best cooks within a week’s walk. The top floor has a couple of dozen classrooms in it. We won’t go upstairs because by then you will be classroomed-out.” She pointed to the building they were approaching. “This used to be a stable so we knocked out the stall walls, added some seating in the hay loft and it’s now the sparring ring.”

  They entered the building through a small door that was installed in one of the large stable doors. “The big doors still work and when we have a dance, we open them up. We can put the minstrels on the inside and tables to eat on out here. It’s really nice.” She smiled as she thought back to the last dance- it was a rousing success. Hopefully at the next dance, she mused, she would actually find a partner to swing her around the flagstones. The building was completely open on the inside and fresh straw was spread on the floor. A cluster of students- all around 12 years of age- were in the far corner while a gangly Human stood on a box and gave instructions.

  “... so disarmin’s better som’times when duelin’ ‘cause the law can’t git you then.” He finished as Julie approached. He lowered his wand. “Big Julie. Hey.” He said amicably. He was a man of little words. The less said, the less chance something incriminating would come out. ‘No convictions’ was a record he was proud of. He was only one of three of professors who called her ‘Big Julie’- they were part of her Syndicate that also believed that a change of pace was in order when Raul was done in. One didn’t take the poisoning of a nearly immortal, impeccably dressed Elf lightly. At least three of her close associates didn’t.

  When she told them of the long since established ‘exit strategy’, they all asked when they were leaving.

  “How are things going, Vera?” Julie asked.

  Grimbledung, who had been looking about the sparring room appraised the man, “Vera? Isn’t that a girl’s name?” He said casually.

  Veratus “Killer” Bosconius -wanted in a dozen kingdoms for murder, mayhem, mischief[20] -and worse- slowly turned his head to meet Grimbledung’s appraising eyes. “Radish,” he said simply. As he did, he barely even flicked the wand at Grimbledung from his waist. If no one were looking directly at the wand, the move wouldn’t even be noticed. In a flash Grimbledung became a plump red radish. Clothes and all. Rat dropped to the ground beside GrimbledungRadish. They were about the same size.

  “What in all the lands!” Exclaimed Rat as he backed away from GrimbledungRadish.

  Grimbledung was aware that something was amiss. He had no arms, no legs, no body that he could ascertain, yet he wasn’t gone. There was no need for breathing in the darkness that was his existence, so he was pleased about that; however, in general, he was aware that he was, all in all, nothing substantial anymore. A wisp of a thought. It was disconcerting being in that state, and even more so not knowing if he would ever come out of it. He wanted to cry, but since he lacked eyes, all he could do was whimper to himself in the darkness. It wasn’t nearly as comforting.

  Drimblerod staggered back and sat down roughly. His eyes were trained on the radish that was once his partner. He was in shock. “Grim?”

  “Vera!” Scolded Julie, “that’s a new business partner of ours. Please change him back!”

  Vera nodded at Julie, “S’alright Boss.” Once again, without raising his wand he flicked it discretely. Suddenly Grimbledung was back.

  Grimbledung sniffed. “What happened?”

  “YOU WERE A RADISH!” Rat sniffed Grimbledung’s foot. There was, to his amazement, a mild radishy smell to him.

  Grimbledung glanced down at Rat. “What? I think I was here, I think. But I wasn’t really here. I’m not sure ...” He looked at Drimblerod for support. All he got was a wide-eyed look in return.

  “Well, why don’t we just move on and leave Professor Vera to his lessons,” suggested Julie as she tried to usher the two Gnomes out the door.

  “Vera?” Began Grimbledung, “isn’t that... OWW! Rat! Why did you bite me?” He winced as he grabbed his foot and hopped about.

  “Let’s keep the tour moving, like Julie said,” said Drimblerod has he steadied his partner and led him to the door.

  “Well, you were right about one thing, Julie,” commented Rat looking up at Julie. There seemed to be a grin on his face.

  “What’s that?”

  “That definitely was up close and personal.”

  “That it was. Let’s get moving before something else happens.” She ushered the Gnomes to the door.

  As they left, they heard the professor continue with his lesson, “An’ a salad later, y’got no body. No body. No murder.” He nodded. “An’ no trial. And what’s no trial mean?” He asked his students.

  “No convictions,” they all replied in unison.

  Hastily Julie closed the door. “Sorry about that. He’s an old business partner of mine and he’s ...” She smiled. “Unpredictable.”

  “I know what you mean. I got one of them too.” He jerked his thumb at Grimbledung who was skipping stone to stone toward the next building as if nothing had happened.

  The group continued to a pair of three-story buildings that were side by side. They were connected by a covered walkway in the middle and both ends. “That one was the old homestead for the Gristmill, and that one was used as a hostel,” explained Julie. “We kept the Homestead pretty much like it was, but we completely refurbished it. A few of the professors use the rooms to stay here during the week and then they go back to their hometowns on the weekend. It works out well because they have their own kitchen they can share. The other rooms are used when we have sporting events or competitions for visiting schools. I’m hoping that as things get better around here, we can have some houses built and maybe a store or two opened up.” She smiled proudly, “We could establish a whole new town here, if things work out.” She stopped and looked around the grounds. “Julesville” she said reverently. Lost in thought, she scanned the area, seeing a boom town around her.

  “What’s the other building for?” Asked Drimblerod.

  “Ohhh! A headless Orc riding a unicorn!” exclaimed Grimbledung, who was also looking about, but more up than anything else. “Through a field of cotton!” He added.

  Broken from her daydream, Julie looked at Grimbledung. She looked up at the blob that was a cloud and saw nothing even remotely as he had just described. She began to say something but Drimblerod interrupted her.

  “You’d be wasting your breath, Julie. Believe me. So what’s the other building?”

  Still looking up in an attempt to discern a form from the cloud she answered, “That’s the old hostel. We combined the rooms to make them bigger and ended up with twenty-five classrooms. There’re five per side on the first two floors and then on the top floor, we have five really big rooms that we can use for combined classes or meetings.”

  “That’s a lot of classrooms” said Rat, “How many students do you have here?”

  “Well, about one hundred live here on the grounds and they go home for holidays and class breaks. About another hundred or so live in the general area and commute in.”

  “That many kids live in the area?” Asked Rat, “I’d never have imagined. That’s a lot of kids. What, was there a war and follow-on baby boom that I didn’t hear about?”

  Definitely the brains of the operation. “Well it used to be just a couple dozen kids, but since the Teleportal service opened up, we have about a hundred students coming in every day. We definitely aren’t using all our classroom space so there’s plenty of room to expand into.”

  “If I weren’t just a rat, with only the food that temporarily resides in my belly as my best asset, I’d buy into your racket.”

  “I appreciate the endorsement, Rat” said Julie. “OK, that building over there,” she said pointing, “is the Dormitory.” The building, nearly half again as long as the others and three stories tall, was the newest looking building on the campus.

  “When I had it built, I figured all the students would stay here on campus. I
never imagined a Teleportal service opening up.” She frowned, “I should have started one of those as well.”

  Drimblerod shook his head. “I don’t know if that would have been a good idea.” He thought back to his days as a miner, before the Great Riot of 681. “Folks may work for a Company for a bit, but after a while, the Company Houses, Company Store, Company School, and Company everything else rubs them the wrong way. Then there’s picketing, rioting, and general mayhem.” He stuck out his tongue. “It’s better to let the money get spread around so there’s no one person to be the focus of the ... general mayhem,” he finished politely.

  “General mayhem?” Asked Julie.

  “That’s polite for lynching’s above bonfires that also may include some disemboweling for good measure,” said Grimbledung. He remembered the riots of 681 as well. As an instigator.

  Julie blanched. “Wow.” Was all she could say. “On that note, I say the tour’s over.”