by D. N. Hoxa
Before I could answer, it started. Apparently the pain was too much and Mom couldn’t hold it in any longer, even though Ella was there. She began to scream.
Ella’s body started to shake violently on my lap as she put her palms on her ears and squeezed her eyes shut with all her strength. I watched her, and then my mom as she screamed and moaned and gasped over and over again until my vision blurred.
“Please, please, please, please…” Ella was pleading with her hands on her ears and her small head shaking. She wanted me to stop Mom’s pain. But I couldn’t. How could I make it stop? If there was a chance, a possibility at all, I would go to hell and back to help her, to stop her pain. But I couldn’t. Nothing could help her. Nothing but death.
A piece of me died away, ripped itself from my soul as I prayed to God with all I had to take my mother’s soul away, to save her from the agony that was tormenting her with every breath she took. I prayed for her soul to be saved. I prayed as I watched her—her screaming mouth, her dull eyes. I prayed for my own mother’s death.
And then I fell.
23
——————————
The dream tormented me every second that I was stuck in that small room. Three days passed, and everyone came to see me.
Nick was there with me all the time. He wouldn’t leave my side, just like my dad. He’d caused the fire in the training area in Lyndor and had run for the cave as soon as the damage was done. I was very proud of him. Two scarlet circles appeared on his cheeks when I told him that.
Jack came, too, with his mouth full of dirty words, and I was glad Dad wasn’t in the room at the time. I wasn’t exactly sure how to explain the nature of my relationship with Jack. He already got enough killer looks from Nick.
He didn't stay long, though. He said something that had to do with him being the messenger and having no time to sit on his sexy ass all day, while people brought him food on his bed. I could never thank him enough for making me at least chuckle.
Old Smith came to see me, too. They still hadn’t told him about our departure, and he was so eager to continue with my training that I didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth.
Even Thomas came, Aaron’s father. He nodded once at me, eyeing me with his ice cold gaze. Like that, he looked so much like the Aaron I’d seen the last time. He said he was glad I was okay, but the words seemed forced. He hated my guts, and I was sure the Elders had made him come to me. For some reason, they’d thought I’d care or that it would make me feel better. They obviously didn’t know me.
But Ella and Aaron never came.
Dad said she was doing okay and that she just needed some time to think everything through.
“She took all this magic crap very well, better than me. I freaked out a little. She didn’t,” he said after the hundredth time I asked him where Ella was and when she’d come to see me.
Of course she didn’t freak out. She was strong, stronger than anyone I’d ever known. And they’d told them everything. Everything they knew, anyway.
“Soon, I want to hear your side of the story, Star,” Dad said reluctantly, as if he wasn’t even sure he wanted to know. But he knew he needed to.
No matter whom I asked about what happened in Lyndor after I dropped unconscious on the floor, or what happened with the potion, they wouldn’t tell me. Some said they weren’t the right person to talk to, others thought I just needed to rest. It pissed me off endlessly.
Eventually, I gave up. On my second day, I even got them to let me get up and take a shower. If I’d stayed like that for one more second, I’d have gone mad. Dad helped me out of my bed and into the bathroom. Barely moving, I cleaned myself without daring to look in the mirror. I had nasty bruises all over my body. I was cut in more places than I could count and had seven thick stitches below my left breast. They hurt like hell, and I cursed Young every time I tried to move and the pain cut me in half.
But the physical pain was nothing compared to the feeling in my chest. It grew heavier with each hour that Ella didn’t come to see me. I was beginning to believe I’d lost her forever. I felt depressed and dreamt of mom so many times that it felt like I had her face carved in the front of my mind. I saw her there at all times. I took advantage of the few hours I was alone and cried in silence. It felt like the tears somehow eased my pain, as long as they kept falling. But then the headache would come, and I’d want to cry from it all over again.
There was no escape.
That evening, Dad was telling me all about the weird creatures that lived with us. Apparently, we were in Kentucky, in another, bigger RR Base. According to my father, there were at least a hundred people living inside, and another fifty or sixty coming in and out every day.
He was telling me about the first time he laid eyes on a nymph when the iron door to my small room opened, and Ella walked in. I froze in place and held my breath.
She was wearing jeans and a white shirt. She looked so beautiful with her hair pulled back and tied at the base of her neck. Without a word, she took a seat on the chair at the end of my bed.
“Hey, baby,” Dad said, and all I could manage was a small whisper.
“Hey.”
She waved her hand weakly.
“How are you?” I asked after a deep breath.
“Good, I guess,” she said, tucking her hands under her thighs.
Dad winked at me as if to say that that was progress. It was, indeed.
Her voice hadn’t changed much. It was a little sharper and higher but soft and soothing at the same time. I straightened up in my bed, trying to sit up enough that I could be on eye level with them. Once settled, I decided now was the best time for my story. They needed to hear it, and I needed to tell it.
Besides, I wasn’t sure when Ella would walk out and how long would I have to wait to see her again.
“You wanna hear the story?” I asked them. Dad smiled a sad smile.
“If you can tell it,” he said, caressing my hair. That always made me feel like a little girl. I had no idea how much I’d missed his touch all those years, ever since Mom died. Ella just nodded and pulled her legs up on the chair, embracing her knees to her chest.
And so I started.
I told them everything, starting with the day at Sam’s bookstore, to what happened at the hospital, and then about my years in Lyndor. I described everything the best way I knew how because I wanted them to see everything the way I’d seen it.
The hardest part was telling them about the murderer, the monster I’d become. I intentionally left out the killing parts and skipped a lot of details regarding them. I made myself tell them about the day I’d seen Ella, the day I’d gone with Aaron with the intention of gaining information. It was hard to see their disappointed faces, but they needed to see all of me, all of what I had become.
I told them about the Elders and about what I could do and was relieved to see that they didn’t look at me any differently afterwards.
I talked and talked, stopping only when I needed water, and by the time I was done, it was already eight in the evening. Dad never moved from his place beside me, tightening his grip around my hands while the story went on, and Ella stood up to pace around us every now and then. I gave them time to absorb all the words I’d said, to mull over everything they’d learned about me until Ella broke the thick silence.
“So, what happens now?” she asked. It was so good to hear her voice.
“Now we leave. As soon as I can get on my feet, we will leave this place, this whole world behind and we’ll be safe.” It was a promise.
Ella pressed her lips into a tight smile. “So they said, but I was really hoping they were wrong.”
“What do you mean?”
“They told me you want to leave. I just didn’t want to believe it.” She met my eyes, her brows narrowed.
“We have to leave,” I said. “We’ll go away and we’ll be safe. Nobody is going to be able to get close to you anymore.”
“So, you
’re just going to leave all these poor people here to fend for themselves and go? Just like that?” she said, practically yelling at me as she stood up.
“Ella, it’s for the best,” I whispered. Strangely it felt good to be at the receiving end of her yelling.
“They need you, Star.”
“And I need you and Dad to be safe,” I reasoned. “Please, Ella. You have to understand that—” she didn’t let me finish.
“Oh, I understand, Star! I understand pretty well that after everything you’ve just told us, after everything that’s been happening, you can get up and leave. You don’t mind turning your back on the people who need you to be there for them. You just get up and leave!”
Before I could blink, she walked out of the room and slammed the door shut with all her strength.
I kept my eyes on it, waiting for Ella to return and say that she was just joking, that she didn’t mean those words she said.
She didn’t.
What the hell just happened?
“Just like her mother,” Dad whispered, shaking his head, lost in his own thoughts.
I couldn’t breathe. Ella wanted to stay? When? How? What was I going to do?
“Dad?” What did he think? Was he on the same page as Ella?
But Dad wouldn’t even look at me. He just kept staring at his fingers. Oh, no! Not Dad, too!
“Have you thought about this long enough, baby?” he asked after a loud sigh.
“Yes!” I shouted. “Of course I have thought about it. It’s all I’ve been able to think about ever since they took you!”
It wasn’t fair to shout at him, but I just needed to take some of my desperation out. First Ella, then Aaron and now Ella again.
“I know it must have been horrible, baby, but that wasn’t your fault.”
“Of course it’s my fault. If it wasn’t for me, none of this would have happened. None of it.” My vision blurred. Great. I was crying again.
“That is not true, and you know it. You can’t choose who you are, Star. You just are. And I trust you if you think it’ll be for the best to leave,” Dad said.
“I do. I really think we’ll be safer that way.” Finally, he was coming around. Or so I thought.
“Will we, though?” he asked, his voice still calm and his eyes warm as he watched me fight with myself.
Of course we would be safer, wouldn’t we?
I tried to think of all the reasons I’d thought about before making the decision.
I couldn’t.
“You’ve seen what they’re like, Dad,” I whispered, and he just nodded but wouldn’t meet my eyes.
“I have. But they don’t live only in the United States, baby.” He had a point.
I closed my eyes, breathing slowly. I knew that there were magical creatures all over the world, but we could run, hide. I could keep them safe.
“Like I said, I trust your decision. If you think leaving the RR is the best thing to do, then we’ll do it.”
“I wanna help, Dad. I do! I just want you and Ella more. I couldn’t bear it if something else happened to you because of me. And I know that there are many Red Rebels now who can help, but the Council will stop at nothing.”
He raised his brow again like he always did when he was thinking something through. “Then it is decided. If you believe you can protect yourself and us better alone than with other people, then I believe you.”
That was supposed to make me feel a lot better about myself, but it didn’t. What Ella said to me still stung. Was I really that much of a bitch?
I definitely had been four years ago. I’d been foolish enough to leave them and believe they would be safe. I’d let my family think that I was dead, for God’s sake!
Did I believe that the RR could keep my family safe, even when I was not there? No, I didn't.
I squeezed my eyes shut. Yes, I did believe that.
But they were all I had. I remembered the way I’d felt when I first saw the message from McGraw. It nearly broke me again just as it had back then. I inhaled deeply, needing time and space to think and hope that the confusion would clear before I made another mistake and lose God knew how many more years.
“I’ll think about it,” I finally whispered, turning my head the other way. Suddenly I felt so very tired, I just wanted to sleep. Dad planted a kiss on my forehead before he left me alone with my thoughts.
I’d never thought that my own family would think leaving was a bad idea. I always assumed that the best way, the safest way for Ella and Dad was to walk away, disappear, and change everything about us. I’d never actually explored the possibility that they could say no. I just thought that the decision was mine to make, again, and nobody else would get a say in it.
“Selfish bitch,” I muttered to myself.
If we left, we would live. Live in hiding, said the ugly voice of reason in my head.
But live! I insisted.
But…I’d been wrong before.
Every thought inside my head was tangled. I didn’t know what to think first. But it all circled around one thing.
The potion.
I had seen what it could do to a human mind. I felt its sickness spreading like a virus. It was terrifying. I promised I’d destroy it, and I hadn’t. I couldn’t.
And I was never one to break promises.
I shook my head, trying to get rid of the ache that was starting to form in the back of my head. For the first time in four years, I wished more than anything for my mom to be alive and just tell me what to do. She would know. She always knew.
But Mom wasn’t there.
I was alone and my sister hated me. She thought I was a heartless bitch. Aaron didn’t trust me—with reason—but I was just going to have to live with that. Because I had a potion to destroy and Council members to kill. My evil smile was playing on my lips even before I realized it was there.
24
——————————
I woke up in the morning way too early but well rested. I’d been doing nothing but sleeping lately. It was something in that tea that Horatio—the warlock of the RR—was giving me for my pain.
The door opened a small crack, and Ella entered, but stopped when she saw that I was awake. She turned to leave, startled.
“Ella, wait. Please, stay,” I said, playing with the flower necklace in my hands as if it was going to give me comfort.
Reluctantly, my sister nodded and walked inside the room. She took the chair farthest away from me as usual and sat, avoiding my gaze. She looked so pretty. She wore jeans and a nice pale green shirt. I smiled, my heart pounding with pride.
“You’re so beautiful,” I said. “Just like Mom.”
Blood rushed to her cheeks. She looked around like she didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, but I enjoyed the actual show of positive emotions from her. I enjoyed the view of her for a few more silent minutes, taking everything in: her hair, her eyes, her thin frame, and her bitten fingernails. She had done that ever since she was four years old.
“I’m so sorry I left,” I whispered. She kept her head down the whole time. I wished she could just look at me. It was so hard already. “I thought I was doing the right thing. I just wanted you to be safe.”
She nodded but didn’t look up. So I continued, thankful that I got to say those words. They were a heavy burden to hold on my own.
“And I’m sorry I lied to you. I was too weak to refuse in the beginning.” I’d been the world’s biggest coward. “And then after a while, I just didn’t want to drag you and Dad into this with me.”
“We don’t have to leave,” she said, her voice strong.
I nodded. “I just wanted you to have a normal, happy life. Away from all of this,” I said, hoping she’d understand and maybe someday even forgive me for the things I’d done.
“You think we can have a normal life after seeing all this? After knowing all this?” She finally met my eyes, and it felt like I was looking right at my mother.
She was her exact copy.
“I changed my mind, Ella. We’re staying. But at the first sign of danger, the second you’re not safe, you’re leaving willingly and taking Dad with you.”
Her face brightened, and for a second there, she looked just like the thirteen-year-old girl I’d left four long years ago.
“Deal.” Her cheeks burned red with excitement. It was a good start. I loved seeing her like that. “I’m going to tell the others.” I would tear up the world, I would give her anything she asked for just to see her like that, always. “You’re doing the right thing,” Ella added before she disappeared behind the door.
Nick came soon after, his face barely holding his giant grin. He’d heard. They’d all heard. Dad hugged me when he came right after, although I could see the fear in his face.
“We’ll be okay, Dad. I will not let anything happen to you.” Dad believed me. Ella believed me, too.
The only one who didn’t come to see me was Aaron.
I kept asking Nick about him, and he’d get all edgy and say he hadn’t seen him or that he was busy. I missed him, more than I wanted to admit. I wasn’t sure why.
All we did was fight, and he always talked back to me. I believed that was it. I liked to have someone who challenged me, like Ella always did.
In the evening, she came back. She gave me one of those big, golden coins that took you to the Fifth Dimension.
“The Elders want to see you. Alone.”
“Thanks, Ells,” I said, and she blushed. It seemed like the nickname hadn’t grown on her at all in the last four years. Or it was the fact that Nick was standing in the room. “Sorry.” I said, shrugging and smiling weakly.
“No, that’s okay,” my sister whispered, and with her head down, she disappeared again.
I could have laughed. The name had finally grown on her, and for some reason, that made me really happy. I inhaled deeply a couple of times. I shook my head as if that would help me get the thoughts and feelings to the side so I could focus. It took me a while, but I was ready to meet the Elders.
I put the coin in between my palms and thought of the ones that were summoning me. I felt a pull in my gut for just a second, and when I opened my eyes again, I found myself on my own bed in the middle of the living room filled with sofas and that delicious scent.