Maybe Erin and Sam needed a vacation now that school was out. Erin was a kindergarten teacher. After an entire year, she was bound to be depressed about saying good-bye to her students. Especially since she hadn’t been able to have children.
A vacation might give Erin a whole new perspective.
Whatever the trouble, Ashley wanted Erin’s birthday celebration to be happy. And as the others arrived and began filling the house, Ashley determined to hide her concerns about Landon. This was no time for her to be sorting through the jigsaw puzzle of her emotions looking for pieces that belonged together.
She would go by the hospital after dinner. But this was Erin’s night. Ashley’s feelings for Landon—whatever they were—would have to wait until after the party.
* * *
Kari walked into the kitchen and tossed her purse on the desk.
“Hey, Ash.” She rolled up her sleeves. “Need some help?”
“Sure.” Ashley’s arms were full, and she pointed her chin toward the counter. “Grab those napkins, okay?”
Kari did as she was told and followed Ashley into the dining room. “Where’s Mom?”
“She went up to check on Cole. I was going to do it, but he’d probably rather have her, anyway.”
Kari ignored her sister’s defensive tone. She set the napkins on the table. “Any sign of Erin and Sam?”
“Not yet.”
“Hmmm.” Kari followed Ashley around the table, laying napkins at each place. “I’m worried about her.”
“Me, too.” Ashley arranged glasses in front of the last two plates. “She hasn’t been herself.”
Once the table was set, Kari stole a quick look at the stove timer. Their mother had made roasted chicken and squash, and Kari had barely enough time to make Jessie a bottle before dinner. What was it about Erin? Was she pregnant? Was that the reason for her recent moodiness? Or were she and Sam struggling?
Whatever the problem, Kari hoped to find out more this evening.
She measured the formula and added warm water, shaking it as she made her way into the family room. A baseball game played on television, and her father had Jessie propped up on his lap. “Can I feed her?”
Kari smiled at the picture her father and daughter made together. John Baxter was an accomplished doctor, respected by his patients and peers, but sitting there with Jessie, he looked like a little boy begging quarters for the candy store.
“Yes, Dad.” Kari handed him the bottle. “Her tummy’s a little upset, though.” Kari grinned. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
He held Jessie up and wiggled his nose against hers. “Papa’s not scared of crummies in the tummy, is he?” He shot Kari a look. “Besides, if I could feed you, I can feed her. You still hold the record for baby mess-ups.”
“Ah yes, the good old days.” Her mother entered the room, holding a sleepy-eyed Cole by the hand. Cole pressed against his grandmother’s side, clearly not up to conversation yet. Kari ruffled his hair, and he treated her to a little smile.
“Could you do the salad, Kari?” Her mother grinned as she sat down and pulled Cole onto her lap. “Since Grandma and Papa are busy with more important matters?”
A ripple of laughter tickled Kari’s throat, and she reveled in how good it felt. Very gradually, in fits and starts, her sense of life and love and laughter was returning. She remembered a verse Pastor Mark had quoted in a sermon recently: “The joy of the Lord is your strength.”
It was true; she was living proof. The greater the joy that stirred in her heart, the stronger she felt. And the more she was able to believe she would somehow survive despite everything that had happened. And despite the confusion and emotional numbness that still seemed to darken most of her days.
In a matter of minutes dinner was ready, and the entire Baxter family gathered around the old oak table. Over the years her parents had added two leaves so that it was long enough to accommodate their growing family. Brooke and her husband, Peter, sat at one end with their young daughters, four-year-old Maddie and two-year-old Hayley. Across the table were Luke and Reagan and, next to them, Erin and Sam. Ashley and Cole sat at the other end with Kari. And in the middle—together as always—were their parents.
When their father had finished praying, he turned to Ashley. “Landon’s doing remarkably well. One of the nurses tells me you’ve been in to see him every day.”
Ashley stared at the mound of squash on her plate and nodded.
John gave the others a quick update on Landon’s condition. “Truthfully, I didn’t think he’d survive that first night. I’ve never seen anyone pull through that kind of lung damage.”
Kari watched Ashley and felt her sister’s pain. Earlier that morning they’d talked about her feelings for Landon. Somehow in the mix of wanting him to survive, Ashley feared she might have unintentionally given him the impression she was in love with him.
“You poor girl,” Kari had told her.
“What? It’s not me I’m worried about; it’s Landon. He needs to focus on getting better, not worrying about someone who’s been hurting him since junior high.”
“That’s not what I mean.” Kari had given her a gentle smile.
Ashley had blinked. “I don’t understand.”
“You don’t see it.”
“See what?” The conversation had taken place at Kari’s house. Ashley had been sitting on the floor, her knees hugged close to her body.
“You gave Landon the impression you’re in love with him because you are.”
Ashley had denied every bit of it. But Kari was convinced otherwise.
The timing was wrong—that much was certain. Ashley was still trying to figure out who she was. But Kari had no doubts that when Ashley was finished fighting her feelings, the truth would be obvious. And that one day Landon Blake would occupy another chair around the Baxter dinner table.
But now, with the others watching Ashley’s reaction, waiting for her to share something about Landon, Kari felt sorry for her. She slipped an arm around her sister’s shoulders and grinned. “Ashley has a new job. Does everyone know that?”
The conversation hopscotched from the old folks at Sunset Hills Adult Care Home to the escapades of Maddie, Hayley, and Cole to the frustrations shared by the doctors in the family that the blood bank was at an all-time low.
When dinner was nearly finished, Erin looked at Sam and flashed him a brief smile. As if on cue, he cleared his throat and pushed back from the table. Taking Erin’s hand in his, he scanned the eyes of those around him. “Erin and I have an announcement to make.”
Immediately Kari felt the excitement build within her. An announcement from Erin and Sam could mean only one thing: They were going to have a baby! That would explain the recent changes in Erin’s personality. She was probably suffering morn-
ing sickness. Yes, that had to be it. Kari studied her youngest sister. Another baby in the family! How wonderful would that be?
Sam was practically glowing, but . . . Kari shifted her attention to Erin. If she knew her sister at all, that wasn’t gladness in Erin’s eyes. It was pain and sorrow, the kind that could not possibly be associated with pregnancy. Kari held her breath.
With everyone waiting, Sam continued. “I’ve been offered a job in Texas.” He could barely contain his enthusiasm. “It’s in Round Rock, just outside of Austin. I’ll be managing a division twice the size of the one where I work now. The money’s amazing, and we’ll be able to buy the house we’ve always wanted.” He grinned briefly at Erin. His smile faded some when she didn’t return his enthusiasm. “We . . . we wanted you to be the first to know.”
For a moment no one said anything.
Sam must wonder what’s wrong with us, Kari thought. A normal family would be bursting forth with congratulations. But Erin’s husband didn’t know the Baxter family very well if he thought moving Erin across the country would excite them.
Tears filled Erin’s eyes and she shrugged. “Well?” A sound that was more laugh
than cry slipped from between her lips. “Aren’t you going to say anything?”
Elizabeth was the first to recover. The corners of her mouth lifted halfway, and she set her napkin on her plate. “That’s wonderful, Sam. Texas is a fine place to live.”
“Yes.” Their father rose to his feet and reached across the table to shake Sam’s hand. “You have a very bright future ahead of you, Sam. We’ve always known that.”
“Wow.” Ashley slipped her hand into little Cole’s. “When do you leave?”
“Not for a while.” Sam was quick to answer. “Sometime this fall, probably.” He grinned, something Erin hadn’t done since the announcement. “We’ll visit the area over the summer to check out housing, but the move won’t happen until the end of October at least.”
Kari glanced around discreetly at her siblings. Brooke was staring at her plate, pushing her fork at a piece of chicken. Luke leaned forward, his forearms anchored on the table as he studied Erin.
But Ashley’s reaction was most telling.
For years, Ashley had pretended to be a fringe member of their family. She joked about being the black sheep, the Baxter child whose place among them was more tolerated than welcome. Every time Ashley talked that way, Kari corrected her. But Ashley seemed bent toward aloofness, determined to be less connected than the others.
Now, though, her eyes bore a sadness that was unmistakable. Ashley cared more about the rest of them than she ever dared admit. She might not always fit in, but she belonged all the same.
Kari imagined Erin and Sam’s packing their things and setting off for Texas. No wonder everyone was having trouble being excited. The Baxters had never been apart, not really. There’d been the six months Kari had spent modeling in New York City, and Ashley’s year in Paris. But none of them had actually relocated for good.
The phone rang, and Luke jumped from the table to answer it. “Hello?” His eyes lit up, and he motioned to Kari. “Yeah, she’s here. . . . Uh-huh. . . . Lots better. He’s still in the hospital but out of ICU, breathing on his own and all. . . . Yep, everyone’s fine. . . . Okay, I’ll get her for you.”
Kari watched, puzzled. Who would call her here, at her parents’ house? Someone from church? The conversation around the table stalled as Luke handed the phone to Kari and said the words that made her heart rate double.
“It’s Ryan.”
Chapter Six
Kari needed a quiet place to talk.
She thanked Luke, took the phone, and headed upstairs to her old bedroom, the place where she’d stayed so often in the past year. When she was alone, she exhaled and held the phone to her ear.
“Hello?”
“Hi.” His voice worked its way across her heart, soothing out the wrinkles that had collected through the day. “Did I catch you at a bad time?”
“No.” She sat down on the bed and closed her eyes. “We were just finishing dinner. It’s Erin’s birthday.”
“I tried you at home first.” He paused, and Kari could hear the concern in his voice. “My mom told me about Landon Blake. Luke said he’s better.”
“Much better, thank God.” Kari leaned back on a stack of pillows. “Dad says it’s a miracle. He won’t even need skin grafts for the burns.”
“Has Ashley seen him?”
Kari pictured Ryan sitting in a New York apartment, worrying about the people back in Bloomington. Landon’s older brother had graduated from high school the same year as Ryan. And everyone who knew Landon knew of the torch he carried for Ashley. “She’s practically set up housekeeping at the hospital. I think it’s been good for her. Helped her take stock of her priorities, you know?”
“Yeah.” Ryan’s voice was quiet. “Nothing like a hospital to make you do that.”
Something in his tone told Kari there was more on his mind than Landon Blake’s injury. Was he missing her, wishing he hadn’t taken the job in New York? Or did picturing Landon in the hospital have a way of drawing Ryan back to those days after his football injury? The same way it had drawn her back?
Whatever he was thinking, Kari wasn’t willing to guess. There was no point in getting into a deep conversation with Ryan. He was too far away, and she was still sorting through the ashes of her life. Besides, every thought of Ryan made her sick with guilt, as though she were betraying Tim and their marriage and everything they’d shared together.
Whenever Ryan called, she was careful to keep things on an informational level. Updates about Jessie, talk about training camp, that kind of thing.
“So,” she asked casually, “what’s up?”
Ryan uttered a tired sigh. “Meetings, meetings, and more meetings.”
Kari laughed. “Ready for camp, huh?”
“Two weeks and counting. We open July 26, and everyone should be there. No holdouts. Preseason begins a month later at New England.” He chuckled. “Between managing the personalities on the team and juggling the depth chart, I’ll barely have time to coach.”
“You’ll do great.” The laughter remained in Kari’s voice, but more because it was what Ryan expected. The truth was, she found his impending heavy schedule a little frightening. Though she wanted to be independent, to make a life for herself and Jessie, Kari had to admit she looked forward to Ryan’s calls. She liked the way he asked about Jessie, checking on her milestones and celebrating when she smiled or slept through the night. Talking to him was different from talking to her family about those things.
But with the season starting, he wouldn’t have time to call—or certainly not as often as before. It was another reason why she had tried not to depend on him since Tim’s death. Ryan had his own life in New York. Anything could happen once he began traveling with the team and coaching games. He could lose track of her or meet someone else and fall in love.
Kari couldn’t blame him if he did. She hadn’t given him any reason to hang on.
Ryan broke the silence. “So how’s Jessie?” Kari could hear the smile in his voice.
“Beautiful. Growing like a weed.”
“Letting her mother get any sleep?”
“Of course not. We have diaper duty at midnight, hunger pangs at three in the morning, and meaningful discussions at five.” Kari sank deeper into the pillows. She was more tired than she’d realized. “Sleep is a thing of the past.”
“You know what I wish?” Ryan’s voice grew softer. He paused for a moment. “I wish I were there to help. Take the midnight-to-five shift, just once in a while.”
Ryan’s tone was so clear, so real, he might as well have been sitting beside her. “That’s nice. But we’re okay.”
“Really, Kari?” His tone was velvet. “Are you?”
“Yes.” She sat up. “Jessie and I need this time together. Figuring out where we go from here, you know? Working through the memories.”
“Are you modeling much?”
“A few days a month.” Kari stood, cradling the phone on her shoulder as she walked over to the window. The evening summer sunshine washed over her face. She’d modeled since graduating from high school, and in the past few years she’d done a lot of catalog work, but when her marriage fell apart, she’d taken time off. Now that Jessie was sleeping through the night, she was gradually getting back into it. Tim’s insurance money wouldn’t last forever, and she needed the income. But it wasn’t fun like before, and Kari understood why. Tim’s death had created a void in her life that modeling jobs didn’t fill. “I don’t know how much longer I’ll do it.”
“How come?”
“Life’s too short. I want my time away from Jessie to count for more than pretty pictures.”
They were quiet for a moment. She leaned on the windowsill and gazed at the old farms in the distance. She never tired of this view, the trees behind her parents’ house bursting with summertime.
Kari bit her lip. She wanted to ask Ryan what he was doing, how he was spending his free time. But she couldn’t. It would hurt too much to hear he was dating, to know he’d moved on since their time tog
ether last fall.
Of course, it would also hurt to know he was waiting for her, as he’d done so often before. Because a part of her heart—the part that was capable of love and relationship and togetherness—had been numb since Tim was killed. There was no telling when it might thaw—or if it ever would.
Kari watched two bluebirds dancing in midair outside the window. “So, you’re about to be crazy busy.”
“I’m crazy busy now.”
“True. Meetings and, you know, whatever else.” Again Kari resisted the urge to ask questions.
When she was silent, Ryan spoke, reading her heart as easily as he had always been able to do. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing.” She knew her answer was too quick. “I’m glad you’re busy. That’s all.”
“Kari . . .” He released a quiet laugh. “Just come out and ask me.”
She tried to sound indignant. “Ask you what?”
“Okay, fine. Don’t ask.” Once more she could feel his smile, see the sparkle in his eyes despite their distance. “I’m not seeing anyone, okay? Is that what you’re thinking?”
Kari whirled around and flopped down on the bed once more. “Ryan Taylor, that is not what I was thinking.”
The teasing faded from his voice. “Really?”
“Really.” She closed her eyes briefly. Lying never was easy for her, but she had no choice now. Wherever her wandering thoughts had taken her, she had not been a willing passenger. It wasn’t fair to let Ryan know she wondered what he was doing in his spare moments. Not when she was still grieving Tim’s death, still thinking her heart was permanently broken.
“Okay.” His tone was tinged with disappointment. “But just for the record, I’m not dating anyone.”
Kari stared at the pockmarked bulletin board near the door, the one where teenage pictures of her and Ryan once hung so many years ago. “You don’t have to tell me.”
“I know.” He drew a slow breath. “I wanted to.”
They were moving into dangerous territory, and Kari fought back a wave of anxiety. Now was not the time to fan the fires of all she’d ever felt for Ryan Taylor. Hers was a life taken up completely with mothering and learning to live without her husband. She could not possibly see what lay beyond this lonely season. Not yet, anyway.
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